3 Things You Can Do To Ease The Terror Of Narcissistic Abuse

63 thoughts on “3 Things You Can Do To Ease The Terror Of Narcissistic Abuse”

1. I’ve listened to many videos and this is the best one ever. I’ve bookmarked it to read as I pack up my home of thirty years to get away from the narc. next door. Although I totally get that this wake-up call has led to a complete transformation in my self-concept, it still isn’t safe to hear her voice or see her. For my safety, I will leave and I will be travelling lighter.

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   1. Hi cg,

      I so hope this has helped you.

      Wishing you wonderful wellbeing, breakthrough and joy with your new destination and life.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      Reply

   2. Hi Mel,
      First I’ll apologise for this being a long message as I know it will be.
      I was married to my narc husband for 30 year. I finally found proof of his sex addiction and infidelities from his phone.
      Until that time I couldn’t bring myself to lbreak up the family. I thought I may be wrong about him etc. Having never known I was suppose to follow my instinct.
      To the outside world we were the perfect couple. I had lost my first husband and he seemed to be the answer to all my prayers when he came into my life.
      There were things that made me wonder about him in the early days but he always had plausible answers when I challenged him etc.
      Anyway, long story short, he left me when we were supposed to be trying to work things out. Actually I was the only one doing any work towards this I discovered.
      At first myyounger boys (our boys) were I think quite angry with their dad and didn’t see much of him but after a while I realised they had softened towards him and were seeing him more and at times were quite strange with me and I was getting weird looks and silences. I still don’t know what they are about unless of course he had been telling them lies about me which is quite possible.
      Then he became ill and it transpired he had an aggressive type of cancer and it was terminal. During this time I realised my boys would want to spend more time with their dad so I didn’t didn’t worry too much if I didn’t see them so often and said I understand you will want to spend what time he has left with him more. I did get to see them just not as often.
      Well my ex died a few weeks ago and I was genuinely sorry he had come to such a nasty end as I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and he was after all the father of my two youngest boys. He had got married during his illness.
      While he was alive he was extremely controlling, manipulative and passive aggressive. I was always afraid of him I think even in the early days although I used to say I wasn’t. A bit of bravado.
      You would think that after he died I would no longer be afraid BUT I find I don’t want to turn my bedroom light off at night now and I’m scared. When I said I would be at the funeral I was told I couldn’t go as he didn’t want me there and I was banned along with my eldest two boys. Apparently he had said To on e of the youngest that he had to tell us not to go.
      It was very hurtful as I had wanted to support my boys at their fathers funeral. In fact there was no one from my side of the family there to support them. I felt terrible about it but I did realise that it was probably planned that way to hurt me. But he wasn’t even thinking of his own children’s feelings was he. It was so selfish and horrible.
      Then there was a charity event in his name ( you almost have to laugh) for the hospice in which he died. Guess what, I was banned from that too! Yes I could have gone but the boys again said no so I didn’t want to cause trouble for them.
      So now I’m wondering how many more things I’m going to be banned from and what else is in store for me even though he’s dead.
      He is still controlling my life and what’s worse he has put his two children in an impossible position and I’m thinking maybe he is trying to break my relationship with my boys.
      I would like to ask them what was actually said to them by their dad but I’m afraid it will cause trouble between us. I Do Not intend to allow my ex to carry on controlling me or my actions from his grave but he is doing it at the moment. How do I stop it please.

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      1. Hi Rosie,

         Please know my heart goes out to you, it is very usual even after an abuser passes on that there are many unresolved emotions and traumas, as well as control and fallout even after their death.

         NARP my healing program purges all the traumas and false and painful programming our of our beings, releasing us, regardless of who the abuser was – if they are still in our life and even if they are deceased.

         By being released of the trauma this also helps your boys shift organically as well, creating the best possible peace and space for resolution.

         This is my highest suggestion for you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

         I hope this helps.

         Mel 🙏💕❤️

         Reply

   3. Hello Melanie

      I have a narcissistic mother-in-law and mother. Any physical interactions with them leave me absolutely exhausted, frustrated and restless. It’s the most unhappy story of my life. I’m trying hard to break free. I have a quick question- should a narcissist be reminded of boundaries? Or should I simply try to heal from the inside?

      Thank you… I hope I make it to the other side as successfully as you have.

      Best regards

      Reply

2. Hi! I’m eternally grateful to you for your contributions, which have been so helpful to me and have the potential to be so transformative for thousands of others.

   And I really appreciate this talk, because you really are going to the heart of the trauma for me–the utter terror of group persecution and ultimately annihilation.

   However, a cluster of questions I continue to have is about how this applies in situations where there isn’t the potential to avoid material/physical harm. I think there is a sort of Ur-power in attitudinal change, which is only available to adults, even in the worst physically threatening situations, such as with Victor Frankl, who discovered radical freedom and meaning even within a concentration camp and went on to spread his message for the rest of his life after surviving.

   So I guess my questions are these:
   1) In the first world, for the most part adult women are much more able to apply these principles and ultimately get away (if they’re not murdered by the narcissistic batterer) from physical harm because they have economic opportunity and democratic laws. But there are lots of adult women (and child brides) all over the world who don’t have those options–who are stuck in horridly unequal, toxic relationships with narcissistic abusers and are not free to leave, despite how much they can free themselves internally. Furthermore, let’s say a 17-year-old mother of two former child bride and wife of a narcissistic abuser in Saudi Arabia DOES apply these principles and is able to find some internal freedom within her marriage, even though she can’t leave. When we detach from narcissistic abuse, but are stuck physically with the narcissist, aren’t we in more danger, because they’re threatened that we are no longer dependent on them? Part of their thrill is knowing we’ve internalized their abuse, but if we realize it’s not personal and that becomes clear, do these women become more of a target for the abusers?

   2) I guess my ongoing grief here is how children, by definition, don’t have the emotional distance to put these principles into practice. I know I didn’t, with two narcissistic parents and a criminally abusive older sibling (and bullying I faced in school, and then lots of sexual harassment once I hit 12/13 onward). Are there ways for us to somehow make these principles available to children or are we doomed as a species, because of the particular helplessness of human infants, always risking that a percentage of children are going to grow up dependent on narcissistic “caregivers” and form an identity out of those traumas?

   Related to this, internalizing the message of the narcissist and dancing around their projections is precisely how children emotionally survive–in a way, like the young wife I mentioned in #1 above, in that, to maintain the critical child/caregiver bond, the child has to NOT SEE the abuse, because it’s too threatening to the abuser to reflect back to them the reality of who they are. For those of us raised in profoundly abusive families, had we somehow been ABLE to apply your teachings above our parents wouldn’t have magically changed due to our letting go–they would have doubled down on the abuse because our independence would have terrified them.

   —–
   Anyway, I know that’s a lot to ask/raise, but one of my blocks in fully letting go is coming to peace with how faith in God can truly, miraculously change my attitude about abuse, but it can’t always prevent it (as we see with war, rape, murder, tyrannical regimes, cultures that promote child and female abuse, etc.) So, I wonder where you fall with regard to all of that.

   Again, your teachings are making such a difference to me. You’re really onto something here!! Namaste from North Carolina!

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   1. Hi Magnolia,

      That’s great this video has resonated deeply with you.

      Absolutely there are people who are not as fortunate as we are, such as even having access to shelters etc to be able to escape.

      And absolutely children do not have the power to create boundaries and safety for themselves under most circumstances.

      Where I am passionate about creating change is empowering those that CAN so that we start to create a ripple effect of change for not just ourselves but also marginalised people and also creating healthier future generations for our children.

      I adore within this Thriver movement, that there are women from India, Japan and Africa now working with NARP who never previously would have. There is an uprising of women taking their power back, inspired by the sisterhood available to them.

      There are also women in this Community who have had big breakthroughs legally in countries and counties in unprecedented ways because of shifting their Inner Beings.

      We all have to start somewhere, or everywhere and this really is no different to what the suffragettes went through – they dreamed of a different world.

      Sadly we have discovered with narcissism and systems, the calling out has been largely ineffective, yet empowering ourselves from the inside out did work.

      All I know Dear Lady is if we, who can, one person at a time, get free of our trauma and get well, then we are (so within, so without) in the best possible position to help heal our world into wholeness for ourselves and our future generations.

      Already the ripple effects of this are incredibly far reaching.

      That’s where I want to deeply focus, on the solution I know of.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      Reply

      1. Thank you so much! I think you’re so right, that it has to begin with each individual human, and if we have the privilege of a relatively safer space from which to grow, we can use that not only for ourselves but as a first step to shift abused persons in places where they don’t have our options.

         Where I get stuck is around ontological claims that when we radically accept our power the external world shifts to meet those expectations. I think to SOME degree that is true, particularly in democratic societies, but to me the ongoing challenge within my faith is that God gives me the strength to see new possibilities within a constrained world but that there is no promise that the outer world is going to change to address my pains and fears. But that outer world certainly has more promise if in fact I can put those fears in their proper perspective. In my personal experience here in America, changing my attitudes has definitely resulted in the narcissists losing more power, but I don’t think that’d be the case if they’d (the men, anyway) had the legal power they had 150 years ago or that they have now in many third world countries.

         In other words, for example, I don’t believe little babies in Rwanda smashed against walls by soldiers “chose” that family in which to be born or have a soul contract. However, if the older children and mothers have access to new ways of thinking about themselves that help them take the forced narratives of their captives/abusers less personally, they will 1) tap into a greater strength/alignment with God that will enable them to live lives with more meaning and hope and 2) they may be able to see creative ways previously, literally in-conceive-able to them to help others make those changes.

         But I can’t believe that when I make these radical changes in thinking about the abusers in my own life that that directly stops them from doing things like picking up a gun (I’m in America) and going nuts with it. What it DOES do is give me a freedom of space, thinking, and hope wherein I can make a lot better choices and also create the best life possible for myself, even if on the slight chance an insane abuser decides to use physical/material violence.

         But you’re absolutely right–we must start where we are. And I don’t want to hold you, a woman, to a higher standard than teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, or other non-dualist male teachers who never discuss the reality of growing up when you’re colonized by narcissistic abusers whose entire raisons d’être seems to be keeping us as females down down. Men just don’t have that experience, even when racially/ethnically abused–the experience of being so personally colonized by a narcissist in daily life (even with narcissistic mothers, they have a lot more options as they grow older). I continuously feel that that the liberation theology/non-dualism taught by these men still fails to address the interpersonal, discursive nature of reality and how that holds us as females down, and I feel like you’re getting closer to discussing that reality. It’s not just as easy as radically saying “it’s all an illusion.” It sure is real if everywhere you go you’re predated upon, beaten up, ignored by law enforcement, raped at will, discriminated against in employment, etc., etc., which is not Eckhart et. al’s experience. I don’t blame them for it, but they just don’t address those realities for 50% of the population.

         This is an ongoing, exciting challenge for us in narcissistic abuse recovery–how to first, begin with ourselves but then, to the degree we’re able, take that out to transform the world. The latter can’t be our goal (since we can’t be married to outcomes, as you say), but it can certainly be my hope.

         Again, thanks so much for your important work. A recovering Southern Belle (and current radical feminist)–in North Carolina

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   2. MagnoliaNC, your post is very thought-provoking, and I have been thinking about it all day, especially your first question. I’m struck by the fact that even in the first world, among non child brides, many women who are married to narcissists find it hard to physically leave. I think in places where there is a great amount of authoritarian control, such as certain parts of the American south where evangelical churches are a safe haven for narcissists who abuse their families behind closed doors, women are no better off than child brides in the second and third world. How do we help these women when their religion is preventing them from exposing the narcissist and leaving? And do they face an even greater risk to their physical safety, and their children’s, when they do leave? I’m thinking about the scene in Fried Green Tomatoes (I’m from Alabama) where Mrs. Ruth’s abusive ex comes to steal the baby after she’s gotten the courage to leave. I have to wonder how common this still is—women staying put after detaching mentally for fear of their physical safety. I’d love to learn more about the statistics of who stays and who goes and why etc. Thank you for posing these questions.

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3. I am letting go of the fear and pain now. I’ve released a lot of the pain but still have fear and haven’t experienced much of replacing pain and fear with life and Source yet. Not sure why. Looking forward to doing the new NARP version and taking it for a test drive tonight! Thank you, Melanie, and much love.

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   1. Hi Kimberlea,

      NARP is that process lovely lady. If you are struggling at all to get that ‘shift’, assuming you were working with NARP previously, please come into the NARP Forum so that we can help you find and release any internal beliefs blocking this.

      It will only be a tweak!

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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4. I’m happily and joyously releasing into healing

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   1. That’s awesome Sue,

      Wishing you happy and continued Thriving!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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5. Thankyou so much
   I have experienced unbelievable cruelty at the hands of a narcissist ,I have experienced callousness beyond belief . I have broken sleep and wake in the mornings in Trauma. It takes me all day to recover from the night terror ,I feel mentally ill and have zero self esteem . It helps to hear that someone understands ..Finding it hard to pull myself out from the trauma

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   1. Hi Heidi,

      I do hope that my material can help bring you some comfort and relief.

      Have you signed up for my 16 day free course yet http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      This takes you gently and lovingly through how to start releasing and healing the inner trauma.

      Sending healing, love and relief to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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6. Melanie,
   I didn’t,t just suffer Trauma from my Narc Mother, but Trauma from witnessing the death of my Father at home from a heart attack when I was 21 and then being blamed for his death by my Mother through giving him worry even though he had ill health ( c.o.p.d, Angina,Fleabitis and h.b.p), this was followed by more abuse when I unknowingly moved in with a Sociopath former Schoolmate after my Marriage broke up and he turned the screw with my misfortunes, it,s been tough, doing jobs that I wasn,t suited to because I was suffering from bad P.T.S.D was full of fear and self-doubt and had lost my ambitions, your modules are helping but I struggle sometimes as my powers of concentration have been affected but I will keep trying
   Lots of love
   Christopher

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   1. Hi Christopher,

      My heart goes out to you with what you have endured.

      Have you connected with us Thrivers in the NARP Forum?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      There is such a wealth of knowledge, care and expertise with NARP work to assist your recovery there.

      Big hugs and healing to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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      1. Thanks for caring Melanie x

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7. Dear Heidi and Christopher,

   To both of you I say, keep going with the HARP process.

   Your commitment to yourself in this way WILL pay off; your relationship with yourself, and your TRUST in that relationship, ARE ALREADY GROWING – regardless of whether you can see it now/always or not – as you begin this work.

   And remember, it is not a linear process, there will be some back and forth, some returns to what was healed, as you heal deeper levels of those wounds. Trust yourself to commit to healing whatever shows itself to you as pain or fear, and you WILL be healing, and Life will show you that as you begin to have peace at your core.

   I say all this from personal experience, and witnessing others’ profound changes and new relationships with Life.
   Every blessing to you both on your journey,
   Stephanie

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   1. Thank you Stephanie

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8. I’ve been reading your emails and watching your videos for some months now and really appreciate the approach you take in addressing the narcissistic wounds we all experience to some degree. There is a lot of information out there, which misleads people into believing that there are monstrous “Narcissists” out to get them, when in fact, there is so much to be understood about their own narcissistic wounds – the core pain and separation trauma, which brings toxic shame; leading to the rejection of parts of themselves and the creation of false selves. We all do it – not just the so-called “Narcissists”! I’ve never had cause to label anyone and have had two significant experiences in my life with individuals who have displayed (both overtly and covertly) the behaviours of narcissistic abuse, which have, as you say, ‘ripped open’ my core wounds. Even though I have felt extremely traumatised, I do not see these individuals as perpetrators, but messengers who have held up a natural mirror that has brought to my attention what I need to heal within myself. In each case, I have seen the ‘two of us’ as a polarised expression of the same wounds.

   I continue to focus on my own healing and do not blame these individuals. No matter how destructive it has been, I know that I have co-created these experiences. I choose to create the necessary boundaries, identify my core wounds, process my emotions and clear the energy and beliefs that are attracting these experiences into my life.

   Thank you Melanie, for the clarity you bring to my own healing journey. Every communication you make resonates with me and keeps me moving towards the truth; enabling me to become more of who I am meant to be. Your expressions have helped me emerge from the complete ‘meltdown’ I experienced just over a year ago; keeping me looking inward to find those fragmented rejected parts of myself that need acknowledging, healing and re-integrating.

   I feel I’m now in a place to participate in NARP, which I sense will bring more cohesion and healing to me.

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   1. Hi Ally,

      I completely agree with your very real post, and I commend you Ally for sharing it. I love your orientation!

      It’s my pleasure Ally and I’m thrilled that you heard my message and turned inwards to partner, love and heal you.

      You will find wonderful healing breakthroughs with NARP Ally, it really does take our evolution to the next level.

      It’s so you!

      Many blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      Reply

9. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. It is really helping me through my divorce with a narcissist.

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   1. Hi Kerani,

      I’m so pleased I could help. Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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10. my NARP subscription held the bleeding ribbons that were me in 2018! I recommend you to 15K + Survivors /communities . You program for innerchild /old Soul healing and EMDR sesssions with psych effectively took the sting/stomach knots out of the worst triggered moments. YOU ARE AN ANGEL part of the Solution.I dedicate myself to public awareness of covert ! My SOurce fuel tank is full again!!!!

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    1. Hi Elle,

       Thank you for passing on the Thriver Way to heal!

       I am so happy for you that you have broken free to the other side.

       Keep shining your light Dear Lady!

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

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11. Thank you so much for this blog post. It is exactly what I needed. I listened to it three times last night before I fell asleep, once in a focused way and twice more as background and I just felt so much understanding which gave me peace and so I wanted to listen again.

    When I was falling asleep I felt and saw white light coming into me. I had moduled that morning but then my day was a bit of a whirlwind of thoughts.

    Yesterday I was caught up in but the N is terrifying and dangerous in physical ways, how does release and healing help my kids and I with that. But your blog answered my exact question and in such a concise manner. So many things were exactly what I was looking to understand, I now feel even more empowered to move forward in my healing and I just feel so grateful that this came when it did.

    A year or two ago I had bought a set of Chakra Merkaba crystals. As well as a reference sheet of Mudra instruction. Both purchased somewhat ‘randomly.’ I had found them yesterday while tidying up some space (they were in separate spaces). While viewing your blog and before I closed down my laptop I found my way to Merkaba Meditation and this too felt like a tremendous gift as the practice uses mudras. There is so much in me awakening on energetic plains and it feels so good and like it will be for forever now.

    I spent three years always moving away from the N, but I was moving over. Now I am moving UP and away for good.

    I have so much gratitude and this morning while I was getting ready I was grinning at myself in the mirror. With love, gratitude and care to you and everyone healing Thanks!!

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    1. Hi Kristen,

       I am so happy for you that you have had such a shift deep in your Inner Being.

       Truly, you are making it!

       Sending much love, power and breakthrough to you and your children.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

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12. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your knowledge and help and direction in my easy healing because you explain it so well. I agree to let go and move on and I must be at this point in my healing,,,just throw all the pain away like a decaying leaf. Have a great day.

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    1. It’s my pleasure L Cheryl,

       And you are so welcome.

       Thank you for your well wishes Lovely Lady.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

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13. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your knowledge and help and direction in my easy healing because you explain it so well. I agree to let go and move on and I must be at this point in my healing,,,just throw all the pain away like a decaying leaf. Have a great day.Cheryl Blood

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14. I’m Lettng Go of The Fear and the Pain NOW!

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15. Excellent video and I appreciate having the transcript to refer back to. Like pulling back the curtain to reveal who the great and terrible Wizard of Oz really is…we always had the powers over the narc…we just didn’t know how to access it.

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    1. That’s so true Kathy!

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

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16. I am letting go of the fear and pain now!

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    1. Hi Melanie,
       Thank you for the wonderful video.
       Melanie,its really hard to explain to someone the kind of mental violence thats inflicted and how deathly ,destructive and all consuming it is.when you tell someone they consider it as just words said or just things done but the abuse seeping into every aspect of your life is something no one can understand.you turn into something unrecognizable to your own self and you don’t even understand it and you can’t even explain it to someone.i lived in an environment of violence for most part of my life.people think it’s common..it’s family problems…everyone has challenges…but when you live with abusers that abuse you and then make you look like you imagined the abuse…that’s the worst to deal with.my aunts always sexually harrassed in the joint family.no matter what I said would be made vulgar and it would be deep gnawing pain in my chest for being misrepresented.they would make vulgar humour and then deny they ever said it.it would take a toll on my health.i was assaulted sexually twice growing up yet had no voice because even that would be just another vulgar ‘joke ‘ in the family.the first assault was by a family member itself.even anger after any sexual humiliation would be laughed at.my body would feel assaulted with their words.there is no logic to it.most family members were abusive in dirty ways.i ended up with similar ‘friends ‘ in college but I would never speak up.i had learnt the art of being crushed by abuse, rather brutally conditioned to do so.no matter how bad it would choke i would never speak up.it was a kind of brainwashing that if youre abused just shut up because if you dare open your mouth I’ll abuse you unimaginably.the kind of terror and fear going through my childs mind was unexplainable.i can honestly tell that emotionally I never grew up.i was that 10yr old child that was abused.i was intimidated and humiliated even when I was 3 ,4yrs old.the words would assault my body.it cannot be explained.i would go into deep panic.whenever I faced even the worst of things I would react like that child.like I have no way out.helpless and stuck.in college I got a friend who actually forced herself upon me.she would literally go where ever I went and stuck to me like with the hardest glue ever.you are so used to this person because day or night theyve shown their face and gave you the kind of attention that you never really wanted in the first place.but your mind is confused as to what happened when they suddenly leave you.she did that and befriended my friends.initially it was one sweet thing and before you even realize the next one…after getting away it was one mean thing and before you reason or understand why the next one …
       I now realize why the abuse is so effective.the abuser doesn’t give you the ”psychological space” or time to think for yourself because it happens back to back.it is all designed to not let you think or reason….for yourself …as to how well they schemed to get you to do what they wanted…
       There were so many warning signs as to how creepy she was.yet I strangely ignored all those.i now am shocked at my own folly.i was arranging my table in the hostel room.i felt a figure at my window.i saw her and got a jolt and gave a quick scream.she was standing with her hands on either side of her face holding the rod and biting it with her teeth and glaring at me.when I looked at her she calmly relaxed herself.it was the most creepy encounter ever.when she befriended me I failed to think of this incident because she made me comfortable with her words.there were many more times she did such things but I ignored them.,because she was my ‘friend’!!strangely no matter who she befriended would be smitten by her and would just ignore whatever she did otherwise.she was way too cruel than anyone could imagine.she used my fears against me to punish me for not complying with her.it would be mental sexual violence including violent humour,lewd songs and laughs and chuckles like a real rap*st.i felt so helpless and stuck up that I never could take action to get out.she was very convincing to people about how horrible I was,though she was abusing me brutally,mentally.she would look from the upper part of her eyeballs with her head slightly bent,biting her teeth with her mouth closed.it was the worst image of a creature so unimaginable.then after damaging something or sexually humiliating she would smirk and give sick unearthly chuckles and laughs.after coming back from colg,i had deep dreaded numbness.i could not be normal.i was disconnected from my body.the disconnections would reach the worst during nightmares and nightsweats where I would lose connection with my body and mind.the deepest loathing and the urge to puke the life out of me would come.the words like rape,whore and her sick face would paralyze me ,drain me of all energy and sanity.i would freeze beyond any logic with only the ghostly and ghastly haunting of the abuse and getting out of my body brutally. I would turn sick after that.sometimes the disconnections would be so extreme that I would wonder if I just died.
       The extreme brutal disconnections lasted for years,but was worst the year after college.but I dint know what to do.the uneasiness of the haunting kind of abuse still pecks at my vitals to this day….though the disconnections have gone…it was a true conjuring movie…

       Thank you Melanie…thank you for all the hope you give .it was the most important for my healing journey…

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17. Hi Melanie I am so so happy to have come across you and all this info. I was feeling very alone and wondering how I could go om when I was led here by chance. I am right in them middle of it with a narcissistic psych nurse husband of many years who has also been very damaged by his work ( he recently had the work of interviewing and assessing the terrorist who killed 50 in Christchurch NZ just as an example) .. I so wanted to find people who UNDERSTOOD !! Thank You
    Sarah

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18. “I’m Letting Go of the fear and the pain NOW.”

    This video really resonated with me because it truly is a soul war, and letting go is massive. What grabbed me the most: “When I stopped trying to change or end what he was doing, and rather turned inwards to release my fears, wounds and gaps that were being pummelled by his actions, then incredible things happened.”

    Yes! I have been on the path to fully realizing this for the past 6 months. There is NO changing or controlling the narc. He is never going to see that what he’s doing is wrong because he is so disordered, and because he has enablers and flying monkeys who protect and justify him. He will never acknowledge the pain and apologize sincerely because in his twisted brain, you deserve the treatment. We have to make that fact a non-issue. We have to tell our ego to stop trying to control the situation and let our higher self emerge. The only true power we possess is our ability to LET GO of the fear and pain (ego) that the narc has brought into our life. And this power that emerges from letting go is MORE THAN ENOUGH.

    Melanie, thank you SO MUCH for giving us this website and blog where we can learn about your personal experiences and share our own. I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me by being so open about your narcissistic abuse and recovery in your videos, and I made the decision to start working with the courses after being threatened by my long ago former fiancé, someone who should not even be a blip on my radar.

    Getting into contact with him after more than a decade (when I hoped he was an actual grown adult, but as we all know, narcs never grow up!) was the catalyst that launched me into realizing what a tasty narc snack I was, and now I’m doing everything within my power to change that. So in spite of the TERROR he brought into my life by threatening me, I’m so deeply thankful for this experience, and maybe sharing it can help someone else…and I’ll apologize in advance for the length. Hoping I can say it all in one fell swoop, embarrassing parts and all, so that it might help someone avoid the same situation…

    Background: I loved this guy dearly, to the point that I believed he was my soul mate. We’ll call him Mr. X. Mr. X and I were college sweethearts and he was everything I ever wanted in the beginning. I could see myself growing old with him, but I made the decision to give his ring back to him when he did a 180 and started showing his true selfish self. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was back then, but after dealing with him in the present, it all makes so much sense!

    I didn’t know that the crazymaking that started happening once I had the ring on my finger was due to Mr. X’s personality disorder. He’d shown me little nuggets of it when we were still dating, and he was a master of getting me to think his mood changes were my fault. I allowed my ego to lead, thinking that I had the power to make him happy and truly appreciate me simply by loving him and spoiling him. Believing that, I also felt that I must have the power to make him miserable, too. Wrong! I had no such power, and LETTING GO of the illusion of control is what I’ve been working so hard to do in the present.

    When Mr. X would pout and give me the silent treatment in the present, thanks to Melanie’s website, I started to understand that his behavior had nothing to do with me. It was simply him revealing his true self and trying to blame me for it, in order to secure narcissistic supply from me. I was Grade A supply because of the guilt I harbored about breaking up with him—for years of having no contact with him, I allowed myself to feel guilty about breaking things off with him. Why? Because I didn’t even realize I had been abused by a narc, therefore I didn’t take time to heal. It took reconnecting with him for me to fully heal, and it is through Melanie’s videos that I’ve been able to LET GO and accept that I was in love with a false self.

    Releasing the guilt I’ve harbored for not trying harder to work things out with Mr. X was so easy once I LET GO of the illusion that things could’ve been any different. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to LET GO once you realize you’re dealing with a narc who will never treat you well.

    Here’s what happened when I reconnected with him: I was lied to, ghosted, disrespected, verbally abused, given the silent treatment, threatened, blamed, and lied to some more. Lies, lies, lies. Crazy lies. I truly think he is so disordered that he believes his own lies. I’m so thankful that he showed me the truth of who he is in the present, because now I can move forward from the past without the “what if’s” and the “should’ve-could’ve-would’ve’s,” which are some of the ego’s favorite things to dwell on.

    Back then, I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have even recognized these behaviors as toxic. But now, I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it would be a total nightmare trying to coparent with him because we certainly would’ve ended up divorced. I cannot tell you how liberating this knowledge is!

    He’s divorced from the woman he rapid-fire rebounded from our breakup with, and guess what? God gave me a gift regarding the timing of our reconnection. I got to see him rapid-fire rebound from his relationship with a long-term girlfriend, and it’s EXACTLY what happened back then when I broke up with him. Same crap, different day. Idealize, devalue, discard. Then launch the smear campaign because the goal is to save face. With the help of his enablers, Mr. X set out to prove that he wasn’t at fault in the most recent failed relationship, and of course that involved telling lies.

    Please don’t let yourself be like me, living with guilt for no reason. Please don’t give the narc chance after chance after chance because he won’t stop hurting you. Accept what the narc is, and accept that he treated you the way he did because something is fundamentally wrong with him, not you. How he treated you was NOT your fault. If you don’t let that truth sink down into your bones, if you don’t release the pain on a cellular level (#3) you’re going to be susceptible to lifelong guilt and you don’t deserve to live that way.

    Let me back up a minute before I get into what Mr. X did to me in the present, because like so many people who share experiences on Melanie’s blog, I’ve been struggling with the effects of a narcissistic family of origin for pretty much all of my life, something that would’ve been nice to know years ago when I entered into therapy for anxiety when I left Mr. X (who of course told everyone he dumped me). When I started therapy for panic attacks, I’d always just assumed they happened because I had something biologically wrong with my brain—because that’s what my mom had always told me.

    My mom’s dad was an alcoholic, and so was my dad’s dad. But they were very different men. As you know, alcoholism very often coexists with narcissism, but not always. Mom’s dad was violent and controlling but put on a face like he was a pillar of the community. Classic covert narcissist who hid behind religion while beating the crap out of his wife and kids (at one point he tried to kill them) and controlling them to the point that they couldn’t go anywhere or have friends beyond the superficial relationships at church and school. Their life revolved around a southern baptist church, where it was never ever to be discussed with the preacher or anyone else what he was really like behind closed doors. He quit drinking in the 80’s (replaced that vice with chain smoking) so I never witnessed him drunk, but the emotional damage to the family couldn’t be undone. My mom has carried a huge amount of shame with her because of their dysfunctional dynamic, and it should come as no surprise that she developed borderline personality disorder, and due to that, she enmeshed me to herself so strongly that my friends were her friends and I couldn’t do anything without at least inviting her to participate. My mom has a very bubbly personality and is well-liked because she tells jokes and enjoys being around people, and I’m more introverted and cerebral, so naturally many of my outgoing friends liked her more than they liked me. They had no clue what she was like when it was just she and I one-on-one. They didn’t know that the purpose of me being born was to “save her.” They didn’t know I’d end up in therapy for a year to heal the mother wound that she inflicted on me.

    Dad’s dad was a high-functioning alcoholic, but he wasn’t a narc. He was aloof, kept to himself, was very hard working and honest. Everyone knew that with him, what you saw was exactly what you got. He didn’t try to hide his drinking. Dad’s side of the family truly had love in it where mom’s didn’t. Granted, my dad is an emotionally distant man, who, because of his dad’s out-in-the-open alcoholism, refuses to drink a drop of liquor. He’s a very kind and good man, but he’s not equipped to deal with anyone on an deep emotional level. So, given this dynamic, my purpose as the oldest child was to meet my mom’s emotional needs. She made me into the sort of person who could be a very tasty narc snack, and I now understand that’s why I got into a relationship with Mr. X in the first place. She hurt me a lot, but I have forgiven her. I know that she became the way she is because she was abused by a malignant narcissist and never sought help for it because of the “protect the secret at all costs” way she grew up. I have so much pity for her, and she has recently entered into non-church therapy, FINALLY, and I hope that she will eventually be able to LET GO of all of that shame.

    Anyway, back to what my ex did to terrorize me and put me on the path to letting go and healing once and for all…

    As I said, I’ve lived with a lot of guilt about our breakup, and about 9 months ago, I contacted him to make him aware of something that happened in the aftermath of our breakup. I’d purposely not kept up with his life, mainly because it hurt really bad, knowing how fast he moved on from our relationship (literally within a month he was with someone new after dating me for over 2 years), and I’m not on Facebook so I had to do actual library research to find out how to contact him. (I’m a librarian LOL) I went old school and sent him a letter to tell him that I was sorry for how things ended (see that guilt I’m talking about?!) and to let him know that he’d been told a lie about something very personal. It was a lie that my mom told him, pretending to be me, using my phone and my email, and I didn’t find out what she’d done until years later. Why did she do this? Because she couldn’t handle the thought of us getting back together and as I said, she had enmeshed me to her and felt like it was her place to do it. She wanted to make sure he’d never contact me again. And she succeeded.

    Well, until I got back in touch with him and was treated so badly, I’d harbored anger toward my mother. I believed my mother had nefarious motives in going behind my back and lying to him. But now, I see the situation through new eyes because Mr. X is a lot like my mom’s dad. Covert narcissist. On his Facebook, he calls himself a “God-fearing conservative family man,” and claims that integrity is the most important thing to him, all while telling these horrible lies and issuing threats.

    There was no adequate vocabulary word in my repertoire back then to describe him, but I’ll describe the behavior that caused me to give the ring back. On my birthday, my mom gave him an entire sack filled with birthday decorations shortly after we got engaged because it was the first birthday that I wouldn’t be able to be at home to celebrate, and she included a cake mix with a can of frosting, even put a bottle of cooking oil in the sack, and when I got home from work on my birthday, he pointed at the sack on the table and said, “Your mom gave me all this shi* the last time we went home but I didn’t know what to do with it.” Uhhh, ok. Well, how hard is it to read 3-step directions and bake a Betty Crocker cake mix? How hard is it to tape some streamers and balloons to the wall? He’d always done super nice things for my birthdays before we got engaged, and I of course thought I’d done something to deserve that sack sitting there on the table, so I didn’t make a big deal about it.

    But then, a few months after that, I got very sick with the flu and he couldn’t even be bothered to open up a can of Campbell’s soup and heat it up for me. I took great care of him every time he got sick, and he couldn’t even do one easy little thing? All he could say was, “Do you want me to call your mom to come take care of you?” He couldn’t be bothered because there was nothing in it for him. That was the last straw for me. And I’m thankful I had the self-confidence to break up with him in spite of all the time we’d spent together and the ring on my finger, and in spite of not knowing back then that he was a full fledged narcissist, because guess what? Part of my LETTING GO involves that can of chicken noodle soup. I see that Campbell’s soup moment so vividly in my mind each time I find myself dealing with a Multiple Sclerosis relapse, a disease I didn’t have when we were together, and I know without a doubt that he wouldn’t have supported me through the ups and downs of this disease if we’d married. He would’ve made it a hundred times worse and I know that I dodged a lethal bullet.

    But why on earth did I allow myself, for so many years, to block out all the bad things about him, which I called mood swings back then, that ultimately caused me to break up with him? Because that’s part of the trauma bond. Even a decade later, I felt like I owed him an apology, along with the truth about the lie he was told, when really, he didn’t deserve anything from me. He should’ve been the one apologizing to me. Me getting in contact with him set off a crazymaking chain of events, with him lying to me from day one.

    I’ll just list off the things he said and did, starting with his reply to my initial contact:

    1. Emailed me saying he was divorced. Sent me a picture of his kids. Failed to mention the fact that he was in a long term relationship.

    2. When he finally told me about the long term relationship, said he didn’t tell me about her when we got back in contact because they were broken up. Said she was “an alcoholic with issues out the wazoo” and he felt like he owed it to her to stand by her. Went into great detail about how she hid bottles all over the house, how he was afraid of what she’d do if he left her, etc. Used this sob story where he’s the hero to tell me that her constant drama meant he didn’t get any sex. Asked for private pictures of me due to this sob story predicament. Oy! Told me he’d loved me more than I would ever know, and that he wished my mom hadn’t intervened because things would’ve been “so much easier on him” if she hadn’t.

    3. Why’d I buy these bs stories? Why’d I send him private pictures of myself when he begged for them? Because that’s part of the trauma bond, and boy was it STILL strong. He said exactly what he needed to say to get what he wanted from me. He led me to believe for MONTHS that he was interested in a relationship with me but that he couldn’t abandon his long term alcoholic girlfriend until she got help, and that made me more likely to do what he wanted. He knew based on my family background that alcoholism is what led my mom to abuse me, and he knew I’d feel sympathy for him, the jerk face!

    4. Told me he had lymphoma when I told him about having MS. Said for about 6 months, he thought he was dying. Said that he’d been “through hell” after his divorce and that I’d never be able to understand how much it hurt.

    5. Made me feel sorry for his divorce, saying that essentially, it was all MY fault. If I hadn’t dumped him, he never would’ve run to her. He called his marriage the worst thing he ever did, and somehow, I believed that his misery was my fault.

    6. Went ghost on me for a week, and when he got back in touch, told me that he was sorry for disappearing but there had been major drama with her drinking, and that he’d “finally ended it for good.” Continued to ask for private pictures because “nobody got him quite like me.” (Really. How big of an idiot am I? So embarrassing!)

    7. After their breakup, told me he was nursing a broken heart and that he’d love to see me but it wasn’t possible because of how terrible the breakup was.

    8. Well guess what? She wasn’t an alcoholic. Nor did he break up with her. AND OF COURSE HE DIDN’T HAVE LYMPHOMA. When I discovered the truth, I should’ve silently walked away. I kick myself for not doing that, but again, I believe this had to happen so that I would realize that I needed to TURN INWARD, LET GO, and HEAL MYSELF.

    9. Guess what else? He was already seeing a rapid-rebound chick, after MONTHS of leading me on and letting me believe he was some wounded hero nursing a broken heart, but that he wanted me to keep waiting for him, and I found out the truth by getting someone to look it up on Facebook. I did that because the lies were unfolding and I felt like he’d gone ghost on me because of another woman. Yup, that gut instinct does not lie! But again, why didn’t I just silently walk away when I discovered those lies?

    10. When I confronted him upon seeing the Facebook relationship status where he’d been “in a relationship” for over a month while continuing to lead me on with his broken heart bs, he went ballistic. He told me that I shouldn’t be “stalking him” on Facebook. I’m sorry, but how is looking someone up on Facebook and seeing a PUBLIC relationship status stalking? It’s only stalking when the narcissist says so, right?

    11. So here’s where he THREATENS to send all of the private pictures—which he begged me for, and which he led me to believe he needed to have because his ex was such a drama queen alcoholic who wouldn’t give him any sex—to my FATHER. He went completely psycho and would not let up on this, calling me a who*e and that he couldn’t wait to send everything to my dad, all simply because I found out that he was lying to me and confronted him. That was the biggest mistake. I shouldn’t have confronted him. Please don’t EVER confront a narcissist. Letting go is much more powerful. LET GO and walk away.

    12. So when he threatened me, I sent him the law in Alabama about distributing revenge porn, which results in a 12 month minimum jail sentence, and he replied, “I’m not scared of you. I have the best lawyer in the state.” I said, ok then, I’m going to the sheriff with this threat. (He’d texted it and you’d better believe that I’m keeping this threat on file forever because I have no doubt that he’ll eventually try to hoover me when his relationship with rapid-fire rebound chick inevitably ends in a messy way, as all of his relationships do).

    13. He changed his tune and apologized when he realized I was serious, and he tried to blame HER for things, saying that “she put that sh*t on Facebook. I didn’t know she was putting it on there.” He told me that she’d been “after him for a year” and that he was sorry for ghosting me instead of telling me the truth. Ha. Here’s another opportunity where I could’ve LET GO but didn’t.

    14. He made it clear to me that he “had too much respect for my father” to send him anything like that (that was his idea of apologizing for threatening me), and I said wow, why do you respect him but not me? He couldn’t answer. Another missed opportunity to LET GO.

    15. Begged me to be friends after threatening me. I said no. He went ballistic again and to keep the peace, I kept talking to him out of TERROR. I was TERRIFIED of what he’d do if I didn’t do what he wanted. So I asked him why he wanted to be friends with me when he chose rapid-fire rebound chick over me, and he told me that he hadn’t chosen her over me. Said he was only with her “for now” and that it scared him to think about going back to “what we had all those years ago.” Here’s what he really meant: “you dumped me way back then, gave me a narcissistic injury, therefore I feel the need to blame you for everything wrong in my life and I’m going to do whatever I want anyway, and as long as you’re allowing me to blame you for my issues, I’m going to keep stringing you along.” This was another opportunity to LET GO.

    16. I told him I’d be friends with him, but he had to stop lying and ghosting. He said ok. Well, what does he do? He ghosts me again. Why? Because he’d lied about the seriousness of his relationship with rapid-fire rebound chick and she’d apparently seen a text I sent him. So when I asked him why he ghosted me yet again after begging me to be friends, he said, “Your text was seen by other eyes and caused me to have a sh*tty night.” Ha! The arrogance! So I said, why would it matter if I was texting you? You said the relationship was not serious and that she’d read more into it than it actually was. What does he do? He blocks me from texting him and THAT is when I said enough was enough. That was around Christmas, and ever since then, I’ve been washing my hands of him for good. Never again will I allow him into my space. NO CONTACT.

    17. Except, those of you who have dealt with narcs know how sneaky and secretive they are, and ever since the final contact occurred, I’ve been getting harassed by anonymous comments on my Pinterest boards. They say things like “sl*t” and other vulgar terms, and literally every day I have to delete these comments. Then, about 2 weeks ago, I received an email from him where he has shown me a template of a website with the caption, “Your other pictures are going to look so good on here when I get finished.” The website had my name across the top of it, my occupation, and a picture of my face on it. I told him that if he hadn’t already deleted the pictures, then I’d be suing him because he was supposed to have done that in December. He said “bring it on.” He acted like I’d never sent him the revenge porn law. His design on terrorizing me this time around was to see if I still had feelings for him, because he insisted that I “couldn’t wait for them to break up” and other crazy things. This would have been TERROR, it would’ve been frightening like it was in December when he initially threatened me, but he was powerless because I had LET GO. A day later, I went to the website link and it had been deleted. Why? Because he knows I have the law on my side and because I made it abundantly clear that I wanted nothing to do with him. Instead of waiting for a reply, I blocked that email address, same as I blocked his previous one, and told myself that whatever he does, I’m going to be fine. I LET GO.

    So you see, this experience was completely avoidable, and it’s embarrassing that I gave him so many chances after he disrespected me and lied the way he did, but going through it was necessary for my healing. It was necessary because I had to realize that Mr. X never loved me for me—he only loved what I could do for him. It was necessary because I had to learn that I didn’t really love him either. I loved a false self. I felt the need to apologize to the false self. I felt guilty about leaving the false self. All of that was completely unnecessary and If I had been healed from the trauma bond, I never would’ve felt the need to contact him in the first place. So I urge all of you, once you realize you’re dealing with a narcissist, to LET GO, TURN INWARD, HEAL YOURSELF, and stay NO CONTACT for the rest of time. Use the tools of the legal system if it comes to it, but the true power is in letting go. The narc has no power over you when you do that. Thank you Melanie for helping me change my life. I couldn’t have set myself free from him without your website.

    Reply

    1. Hi Corrie,

       I love that you have so honestly and openly shared with others your journey!

       It truly is the same tale of chasing our tail with malignant narcissists … I know so many people (as I do too) relate to the absolute insanity of it all.

       It’s 100 percent true as you so powerfully outlined, there is only one way out of this, detach, let go and heal and then it all comes to an end.

       Corrie please know how welcome you are and thank you for your incredible contribution here.

       Continued love and blessings to you.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

19. “I consistently see that when people healing to Thriverhood also do this – accept the truth of their situation, let go and start to fully heal – they quickly leave the terror behind and start moving forward into fearless and healthy trajectories.

    And the narcissist becomes powerless to affect them.”

    When my marriage to N went into a death spiral and I was deep in the throws of n abuse and hanging on by a thread for “dear life”, that is when I found you, Mel. You talk about people stepping up and into our lives/field and providing support at the right time. Angels must have been working through my keyboarding/enquiring fingers because when I prayed to Him for help and guidance, he dispatched you. 🙂 I can’t say it enough, you are an earthbound angel, a true beacon of Light.

    Through your sharing you taught me that if/when I shift, then I will feel relief and I will become stronger. Becoming strong did grant me relief from the abuse. i.e., my “response” to the abuse went from being triggered, to detached observer. I looked at him differently and I began wondering what was the message he had “for” me. This was a huge paradigm shift. I also started to feel compassion for him, because I realized that he will never be able to heal. True to N abuser form, once he realized my trajectory (grey rock/was no longer going to get supply from me,) *he* finally let me go – in a manner/timing he believed to be the most cruel: right before our wedding anniversary and at the beginning of the Christmas season. One might say, he gifted me a “black Christmas” because circumstances meant I had to leave my (17 and 18 y/o) kids behind with him. And then there was the explaining to family and friends “why” (Christmas = a ton of socializing and connecting with family and friends near and far). I realize in hindsight, I didn’t have to provide an explanation or reason to most, that this “trauma” was just more fuel/supply for the N — kind of like a pyromaniac gleefully watching his own bon fire of destruction. But I coped because I was able to shift the trauma that was bubbling up in me. I started NARP last summer. Months later when I finally left the N mid-November, I went from a dependant, full-time wife and “present” mother, to a strong-ish 🙂 independent, working (yes, I got a job in January!) woman.

    As you say, Mel, ‘There’s nothing else to do.” It’s true, people! For the love of Self, just *let go* and shift the trauma, and keep at it. Trust the outcome! Initially it was difficult, but I am thriving because *I let go* – of everything. This is key. How did I let go? To begin with I detached and I took a philosophical approach to my transitioning life. I liken this transition to being widowed and/or an empty nester. If the N had died, I would not have had the choice but to accept my new reality without him and adjust. If my kids had moved out i.e., gone to college which, they will be doing in the very near future, I would have had to accept [it] and adjust. If a fire had burned down my house and everything I owned with it, I would have had no choice but to adjust by finding another place to live and buying a new bed. Most important is, I didn’t lose what was of value, namely: (1) my life. I am still here – healthy, and thriving (!) and, (2) my children. Regardless of our “primary” address, I’m still and always will be “mom” to my kids, no matter where we all live and I savour every minute when we are together in the same space. Technology has made connecting instantaneous, and face to face if we want to, too, so there is that. Thanks to NARP, and doing the work, I don’t feel isolated like I used to. Most importantly, I don’t feel afraid, abandoned or lonely. What I do feel is happy when I lay down to go to sleep at night and happy and open to how my day will unfold, when I wake up the next morning.

    A dear acquaintance of mine (my yogi) gave me a rock for Christmas. On one side of it she painted the affirmations, “I am amazing! I feel great!!” On the other side she painted “acknowledge, accept, adjust”. She had no idea at the time that I had just moved into my new place and was on my own. In hindsight I realize with the help of NARP/Mel and this community, I was doing just that: acknowledging, accepting, and adjusting. I can’t accept what I won’t acknowledge. Acknowledging has been about overcoming my fears to face and embrace my abuse and traumas. Accepting i.e., that my abusers gave me what they were emotionally equipped to give me when I was a child (not much!) and not holding them “accountable” for their shortcomings, dovetails to forgiving/”letting go”, and by shifting [it] creates space for comforting light and Source. Shifting provides relief which allows me to adjust accordingly and with clarity. Adjusting is my journey that dovetails to feeling great and showing up as my evolving, amazing self!

    It’s not easy, but Mel is right. Letting go has been key for me.

    Reply

    1. Hi Nicole,

       Thank you for your beautiful words! I’m so happy for you that you found my work, this incredible Community and NARP.

       Nicole I love what you have shared here, how on point it is and a big standout is … you are right…they didn’t love us, this was a case of them using their energy to try to get an ego feed rather than suffer the ego injury of ‘no longer significant’ in our life.

       Thank you Nicole for inspiring others to know there is a way out of the nightmare and back home to our True Self and Life.

       What you have shared and written is beyond profound and powerful, and the higher road beautiful truth.

       Much love and blessings to you.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

20. I’m letting go of the fear and the pain now!

    Well I actually started doing this some time ago but I still find pockets of resistance within myself!

    It is true though that once you stop living in fear but instead start looking to the future your whole life seems to open up!

    Thank you.

    Reply

    1. Hi Julia,

       Releasing and living free from the fear is key. Have you checked out Quanta Freedom Healing, it is a tool that assists this greatly…

       I’d love you to come into my free webinar for you to experience what it can do for you… http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

       Sending healing and breakthroughs to you.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

21. Hi Mel,

    Speaking of terror…I’m getting no response anymore from your support team and as I told before the N probably found his way into NARP…He had a cyber attack and couldn’t choose my own settings anymore via iPhone…like I couldn’t put ‘find my iPhone ‘ off without getting an entering code for a device of his…he hacked my ID and code…
    So I’m working really hard to transform the inner but have the feeling I need to put boundaries in real life too.
    I hope you guys will support me in this?
    Than you so much!
    Love,
    Nath

    Reply

    1. Hi Nath,

       Please know you are publically posting this and we have been down this track before.

       Natalie, the support team have been in contact with you since June 2018.

       In fact you received support correspondence only yesterday. Every email you have ever sent has been answered. I have every record right in front of me as I type this.

       This is the record of April alone that I just saw from our support records.

       Yesterday 07:07 Ticket 45360 Iva Question
       Apr 04 07:37 Ticket 45075 Clarie Practice
       Apr 04 07:45 Ticket 45076 Clarie Fear of Exposure
       Mar 25 02:58 Ticket 44275 Question

       These all have your name and email address, (which I have removed from displaying here) and I have personally read through your questions and the replies from my extremely caring diligent trained support staff.

       Natalie you have been met over and above the call of duty repeatedly.

       Understand all interactions are fully accountable and recorded. If you make claims that are not the truth, they can be checked out.

       This is my boundary with you now Natalie, please – and this is my final time of telling you this – do not publically post on the forum that you are not receiving care and support from my support staff – because you are.

       Another infringement of a false claim and I will cancel your NARP membership.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

       1. Hi Mel,

          I can honestly say that with the terror I meant what was happening with the Narcs in my life…When I wrote the reply I was completely terrified because what happened was really huge. Even the lawyer I saw was surprised with what I went and going through…We have a big time difference and the support team is indeed helpful so it wasn’t my intention to say they or not there…but I was so in stress that a day felt like an era.
          So the question I wanted to ask was: I get confused about what is setting a boundary in real life (like a lawyer writing the Narc to leave me alone) and clearing up trauma and leave the narcs behind. Is writing a letter setting a boundary or is it fuel? That was what I meant to ask here and not saying that your support team isn’t helping. I can only apologize if in my terror of the Narcs it seemed like that.
          Iva from support explained me i was in crisis consciousness and that a lot of people are in it in their recovery…and it makes a lot of sense. I was really expecting the worse and creating it on the outside. So I hope you can believe me that this what not what i meant. I was all alone in a huge crisis and didn’t find the power at that point to go inward and when you reach out from this place happens what you tell/ you can’t get your message to the other persons anymore.

          Namaste

          Reply

          1. Hi Natalie,

             Thank you for confirming and we accept your apology.

             It really is important that with such effort extended by the support team toward you that they aren’t discredited, especially publically.

             Natalie as you know NARP and our support is foundational on you doing the inner work. Are you working with your NARP Modules?

             Mel 🙏💕❤️

             Reply

             1. Hi Mel,

                Yes i’m Working with them a lot…
                Bit i’m still atracting Narcs…and i’s so tired after months of nearly sleep because of noisy neighbors. The owner was going to do something about it. Now he says I need to move…end my contract if it distubs me…that would mean that I will loose a lot of money…people who saw my message to him say this it the world on his head. How to shift out this? The fact that I meet on abuser after the other?

             2. Hi Nath,

                The place to work with NARP Modules is in the Forum. We are ready with open arms to help you there http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

                Mel 🙏💕❤️

22. I feel a fool as I am following you and keep signing up for 16 day free course. Emails are coming in from you but they are not numbered, should thye be or not sure where to start. Desperate to start with this and then NARP course. Am I doing something daft.and missing the obvious ? X

    Reply

    1. Hi Caroline,

       Don’t feel bad, I know what it’s like to be confused with technology, organisation etc too.

       If you contact one of the lovely support team at [email protected] they will help you get sorted out!

       I hope this helps

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

23. Hi Melanie,

    As always your blogs are really insightful and extremely helpful.

    I am 2 years separated from N husband and truly getting there.
    I often don’t recognize my own fear, it has become a ‘normal’ state of being due to a violent family in childhood.
    I look forward to the day I respond in healthy ways to the cues and clues.
    I know already doing the NARP work can really help me, I just have to stop procrastinating about it!

    Thankyou Melanie

    Reply

    1. Hi Robyne,

       It’s my pleasure 😇

       It so true our normal stays as our normal until we do the inner work. Then it becomes totally unnatural and not who we are!

       There is nothing else to do Lovely Lady if we want our life to change, other than wait until the pattern gets so painfully intense we have no other choice.

       Take it from me, that is a lot harder than doing the inner work before it gets to that!

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

24. Dear Melanie,

    Thank you very much for your videos. They have truly turned my life around, and I find it astonishing that I don’t only have to recover from my narcissistic mother, but I now realise that the discipline issues I am having at work teaching teenagers in school each day are directly linked to feeling bullied and abused in the same way, causing the exact same panic-filled reactions I have experienced with my mother! And of course since starting on this journey of recovery I am able to analyse my interaction with others more and more.
    On a positive note I am suddenly able to recognise a narcissist from miles away! Well…maybe not miles. But just yesterday one of my colleagues asked me – again, as she keeps trying this again and again, just to see if I “bite” – if I could not just bring her cup to the staff room, as she was sure I was going that direction anyway. I responded by simply saying “no”. She did not even bother answering and turned away in a huff. Inside I was cheering and thinking “I know how you tick”.

    There is only one problem I am having, and I was wondering if you could offer some advise please. I now need to have a conversation with my family about wanting to cut contact with both of my parents – my father is extremely supportive of my narcissistic mother. Both my parents are healthy, but in their early 70’s, and even though my husband is fully in the picture about how impossible my mother is to be around, it will be very difficult to make him understand that this is a step I need to take. He is from a very healthy background, with loving parents, and six caring siblings, and he really values family in the “every mother can be difficult” kind of way. I believe that it is simply very difficult for him to understand the seriousness of the problem, and I know that I will have difficulty explaining this to an extend where it really makes sense to him. I know that my children who are in their early 20’s will understand, because they have both experienced my mother’s full blown anger on many occasions. Do you have any experience on this issue? I would really appreciate it. Thank you!

    Reply

    1. Hi Julchen,

       I’m so pleased my resources are helping you.

       In regard to your situation this is what I believe about boundaries and decisions – once we ‘get it’ (our truth) without the need to justify and without feeling guilty, it really doesn’t matter whether people agree with us or not.

       We don’t then explain, we simply share our decision.

       Then they generally just ‘get it’ also.

       If they don’t…it’s still okay.

       I hope this helps.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

       1. Hi Mel,

          Thank you very much for your reply. Yes, you are right of course. I suppose children of narcissists are “projects in the making” and just have to create and build their own strength and personality, which was purposely suppressed since they were born by the people they trusted most. I used to shake my head and say things like “how can people who have been abused cover for their abuser, sometimes for many years?” Now I am finding out why – and I have been doing exactly that! The only thing is that I actually didn’t know that I was doing it. It does feel as if a curtain is being pulled away, and this is both daunting and exciting.

          Reply

25. We have to let it go…..it is the only way to heal. Nothing else works. Also, thank you Mel for the shorter Modules…..I love doing a quick 30mim healing, then I am able to watch a video, or simply go on with my day. I do more of the modules now and really have gone deeper fast, to heal the traumas.

    Reply

    1. Hi Marcie,

       It’s true, otherwise we are continually trying to survive our wounds.

       I’m so happy for you that NARP version 3 is powerful and effective for you.

       Continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.

       Mel 🙏💕❤️

       Reply

26. I’m letting go today! Thank you so much!

    Reply

27. Hello Melanie

    Unfortunately, I have to deal with a narcissistic mother-in-law and mother.

    Years ago, when my mother-in-law wanted to have a relationship with me again (because my baby was a few months old and she obviously wanted a relationship with him, but she won’t admit that of course), I sent her an email. A sort of boundaries and how we would proceed. She accepted it without comment. She’s definitely better than how she used to be. However, if I’m in her company, it’s a different story. She plays the victim constantly, adjusts the truth to make herself look better etc. So, after a mere few days with her, I am exhausted.

    So, recently, I reminded her of this email. Again, she manipulated and attempted gaslighting- saying that she is trying to understand me, she approached the relationship with bygones as bygones and she wants to make a relationship with me as a mother and daughter-in-law, not just because I’m her son’s happiness and her grandkids mom etc, and that she’s “really trying”… she also said she doesn’t keep emails anymore (which is hilarious because she made a folder of all the emails of the past ie. My “wrongs”). She said she didn’t realize how important that email was to me and that she doesn’t remember it but I can print it and give it to her. So I asked if she’d like I could email it again, she did not respond.

    The thing is… do I print it and give it to her? There’s no hard and fast rule about it and I’ve been trying to figure that out. I know i have to change my mindset etc when in hers and my mum’s company because both are very similar. But do i remind her or simply incorporate the boundaries without having to remind her because it’s just easier not having to deal with her at all. I basically don’t talk much when I don’t have to see her.

    I’d appreciate any advice.

    Reply

28. Hi,

    I really need help with a question please. I recently found out my Roomate is a covert narc. My life is really financially unstable now. I have a pet, that I love dearly. Im afraid the Roomate could hurt the pet even kill it. Is the negative enegy from my fear response going to further ruin my finances so I’m unable to financially care for the pet in a crisis? Is buying a video camera to watch the pet going to further inflame the intimidation and create a negative energy effect that results in my fears. I already spent $140 boarding the pet at the vet to keep her safe this week. Unfortunately she knows my worst fear and that I’m trying to protect the pet- and I can’t force her to move- how can I reverse my response without being irresponsible and failing to protect my pet? My hiding the pet may have angered her. Please help. My fear mindset seems to signal things won’t go well.
    Thanks!!

    Reply

    1. Hi Jennifer,

       if you really do feel that your fear response, once let go of, will mean that this won’t happen, then work on that. If you do believe that there is a threat and your intuition is saying to act on it, then you may need to get your pet somewhere else. Without knowing the situation it’s really very difficult for me to give you a definitive answer.

       Most definitely, regardless, for all of us … The healing and rising yourself out of the fear is incredibly important, and that’s where the inner work comes in.

       I hope this helps and I wish you strength with your situation

       lots of love

       Mel 🙏💕💛

       Reply

29. I no longer fear the narcissist. I went no contact years ago. For the last eight year since my divorce (not the abuser) I have experienced one set back after another, including 4 job losses, death of best friend and a sister, multiple moves, another relationship with a user, nsrcissist at work, and again now, massive debt and no income. I feel like I am constantly up against something even though I am in a great relationship and have gotten licensed in a new career but is 100% commission and is in early days. I have 2 sons I can’t help financially. I have done the clearing exercises many times, but the fear of the other shoe dropping and not being able to get out of this, almost the same helplessness and depression of feeling like I can’t get out of abuse, lingers. I wake up everyday not knowing how to move or what to do. Although the fear of the narcissist is gone, fear remains. I’ve released the narcissists hold, but I feel there are still universal tests and I feel just too weary to deal with them.

    Reply

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