Narcissists push back.
They push back on your boundaries, on your attempts at No Contact and when you try to take your power back.
Expect this and more because they’ve got weapons in their arsenal they pull out when they want you to relinquish control.
Disregarding boundaries is one of their favourite tricks – they crawl under, climb over, walk around and smash straight through them.
It took me years to learn the hard lessons and finally become immune to the backlash from narcissists for setting up blocks to their shenanigans.
In my latest Thriver TV episode I will share these lessons with you so you can take your Soul and rights back starting right now. It can be done, thousands of Thrivers in our community have learned how to do it so listen in and get started.
Video Transcript
Today, I’m going to help you get really clear in regard to the backlash, the shenanigans that narcissists play against you when you set boundaries or go no contact with them.
You see, narcissists do not like not being in control and they don’t like you taking control. They’ve got weapons in their arsenal to pull out to try to get you to relinquish control – these are the other things that we’re going to talk about today.
But before we do, I just want to say thank you so much for tuning in to my content and for all the beautiful and supportive comments. I’m so grateful for them. They continually confirm for me why I do this mission. Let’s get started.
When You Set A Boundary With A Narcissist
We’re going to have a look at when you set a boundary with a narcissist, what happens?
Narcissists disregard boundaries. They crawl under, climb over, walk around and smash straight through them.
As a Thriver taking your Soul and your rights back, this is what you need to understand – a narcissist is not going to respect, understand, or honor your boundary. They don’t have the capacity to do that. For a boundary to be effective, nobody else needs to respect, understand, or honor your boundary. Only you do.
Where you go wrong is that you think the narcissist needs to respect, understand and honor it and then you try to lecture and prescribe to get them to do that. You try to tell them why they need to do that and why they should be doing that. Yet all that does is hand a narcissist narcissistic supply. It gives them attention and energy, and you’ve walked straight into their trap.
So what does a narcissist do when you try to lay a boundary? This is what they do – they won’t even admit that they’ve done something wrong. They’re going to argue with you, make excuses, justifications. They project it all on to you. They’re going to turn everything into being your fault.
They tell you all the things that you do wrong that are not even related to the conversation. They change the subject. They go off topic. They twist, they turn, they bring in allies, real or imagined.
In short, they’re going to do anything but listen to you, validate you, hear you, honor you and respect you and agree to the boundary. Know this, expect this, be prepared for this.
So let me give you examples and I’m going to keep it really simple.
How Not To Set A Boundary With A Narcissist
Let’s start off with how not to set a boundary with a narcissist.
You tell the narcissist off for talking to you disrespectfully, and you say that you’re not accepting it anymore. And what comes out of the narcissist’s mouth in retaliation is going to be completely disrespectful.
They just broke the boundary, and you find yourself fighting for the boundary, explaining the boundary, lecturing and prescribing in regard to the boundary. And you may continue doing this for the next two weeks as if you’re having an argument with an angry five-year-old in an adult’s body who refuses to get it, trying to wear them down and get them to get it.
You may eventually hear what you want to hear, but then you’re going to discover as fast as it takes to boil an egg that everything you thought was resolved is thrown out the window again. You’re back to square one again.
The boundary never held. Why? Because it never was a real boundary.
How To Set A Boundary With A Narcissist
Now, let’s look at how to set a boundary with a narcissist.
You tell the narcissist that you will not accept them being abusive to you anymore. The reply to this is of course abusive or at the very least invalidating, because the narcissist doesn’t care about your feelings and isn’t going to listen to what you need from them in any shape or form.
This time you don’t expect them or try to get them to say, “Okay, I understand. You’re right. I’m terrible to you. I know it hurts you. I promise not to behave like this anymore.” You stop expecting that. You’re not waiting for that. You’re not trying to get that.
So as soon as they’re disrespectful, you remove yourself. You leave, you stop engaging. You completely detach and you go No Contact if you can, or you apply Modified Contact if you can’t leave the home yet, and you will no longer accept any interaction with this person, because it’s abusive.
Your actions say it all. You mean it. They don’t need to agree to the boundary. You agree to it and you’re enacting it.
I don’t know how much simpler I can give it to you. There actually is no other way to do a boundary with a narcissist. However, of course, it’s not that simple.
The Problem With Trying To Hold That Boundary
Let’s have a look at the problem with trying to hold that boundary.
Of course, doing what I just described can be very painful and difficult to do, because the narcissist will try to get you to acquiesce. And this is the kind of things they do – they will tell you that you are the horrible one, the narcissist, they’ll tell you that you’re doing the cruel silent treatment.
They’re experts at this, taking no responsibility for their behavior and then when you try to pull away to save your own Soul and sanity, they blame you for all of the problems. This is just what narcissists do.
Then they’re going to pull in allies. They may go to your family and friends, and they may tell them what a terrible person you are and put more pressure on you to drop the boundary.
How do you defeat this? How do you get past this? You can’t change the narcissist and you can’t even change other people’s opinions about you because of the garbage that the narcissist is feeding them.
You can only change yourself, which means changing your emotional reaction to whatever’s going on so that you’re able to hold your boundary. And really, this takes deep dedicated inner work, because the narcissist knows every button to push in you.
They know every chink in your armor and how to infiltrate you emotionally and get past any boundaries that you try to assert.
How To Hold Your Boundary
So how do you hold your boundary?
To strengthen your boundary, armor means reinforcing and healing up your emotional gaps. And this is done by meeting, releasing, and reprogramming all of the triggered confusions and doubts where you start second guessing your boundary, where you start feeling responsible for others who refuse to take responsibility for themselves.
Maybe you’re feeling this terrible emptiness and this loneliness and these longings and feelings of being unloved or unworthy of love or guilt or abandonment or worrying about what other people think of you or whatever it is that’s being triggered by what the narcissist is doing or not doing.
Make no mistake; you are in a battle for your Soul and your life. It’s nothing less than this.
What this battle is really about is claiming the truth and the value of your Soul and life and taking a stand for it, regardless of what somebody else is or isn’t doing. This is really about coming home to yourself and your True Self and your True Life.
If You Succumb It Gets Worse
I really want you to give you this warning. You really need to know this. If you succumb, it gets worse. I promise you this, because I’ve personally experienced it and I’ve dealt with thousands of other people who have as well. I’m pretty sure there’s a good chance that you know exactly what I’m talking about.
If you do succumb and you get sucked in by the narcissistic tactics, things get worse and worse and worse.
Not only has the narcissist delighted in being able to throw you off your boundary, they will also punish you for trying to reinstate the control of your own life. It’s been an absolute insult to their ego that you thought that you could do this to them. So when you “reconcile” (even though it isn’t a true reconciliation) you will see that the cycles get worse.
Expect What Hurts
People ask me all the time, “What should I expect from the narcissist? What are they going to do now that I’ve laid a boundary or I’ve gone No Contact with this person?”
My answer to this is always the same. It’s going to be what’s going to hurt you the most or get a reaction from you. The same narcissist will use different tactics with different people. I’ve had that completely proven to me, it’s the utter truth.
Why? Because the narcissist is a No Self. Their energy and their operations are never about anything unique or original. They’re actually about them working on other people’s fears and insecurities for their own agendas.
So if ignoring and abandoning you by not making contact is what’s going to hurt you the most, the narcissist will do it.
If sending you a cryptic text that may look like it was intended for somebody else, such as a mystery lover is going to get your emotions churning, then the narcissist may do that.
Or smearing you to colleagues or a boss or your family or friends, if that’s likely to get you going and make you retaliate, the narcissist may do that.
If parading a new source of love supply all over social media is the way that the narcissist will try to torment you and get your attention, then they will have no qualms in doing that.
I want you to know this more than anything. The narcissist’s shenanigans are actually not about them.
In this surprising twist, which the narcissist fully realizes, their tactics are actually all about you. It’s the thing that they know is going to hurt you the most. It’s the thing that they think is going to get you to hand over the control that you’re trying to take back.
As soon as you make contact with the narcissist when they succeed, they have you back under control. They can love bomb you with false promises or blame you for everything and dump their anger all over you. They can string you along with lies in regard to getting back together with you one day. They can make arrangements to see you and let you down at the last minute to punish you.
This is the thing. You’re not dealing with somebody who has a conscience. Rather you’re dealing with somebody who is after an ego feed and this to them is it, “The fact that I can affect you emotionally intensely means that I am significant.”
For the narcissist to consider you as a flesh and blood human being with a Soul who has needs and rights and values, that deserves validating and respecting, is disgusting to the narcissist. It’s actually unthinkable to them.
They can pretend they care. They can tell you exactly what you want to hear usually because there’s no other way to get through to you. But as soon as you need the real life proof and actions and conversations that support you, you’re going to see the narcissistic demon appear again.
This is why you need to get really clear about the tactics that a narcissist will use against you and be able to shore up those parts of you that are being triggered so that you don’t fall for it.
In Conclusion
So in conclusion, let’s go through the formula again to have your boundaries and hold them.
It starts with state you truth and enact it without the narcissist’s blessing, because you’re not going to get it. Then you need to ignore the tactics to get you to rehook to them and hand over your boundary and control.
As I say, in all of my videos, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving, because there’s nothing else to do. Which means that when you get triggered, turn within and heal those parts of you that are getting hooked in. Then the narcissist will have no power over you and you won’t be handing over your power to get overpowered and hurt again.
For those of you who have not as yet experienced Quanta Freedom Healing I would love to invite you to. This is the inner healing tool in NARP that makes such a difference in being able to get those triggers and those insecurities and those susceptibilities healed up to wholeness.
It’s going to shore up the gaps where the narcissist can infiltrate and start controlling you again. So please come into one of my free webinars. The link is attached in the show notes so that you can get a deeper understanding about how this is going to help you profoundly.
I really hope that today’s video has made a lot of sense to you. Please remember to subscribe to my channel and also share this video with somebody you know it can really help.
As always, please leave your comments and your questions below because I’m really looking forward to having this conversation with you.
Hi Melanie!
So true! When my boundaries that I’ve tried to set up collapse things simply get worse! They are so insidious and at the same time right out in the open with their abuse…. thank you so much for the reminders about boundaries because that’s the only thing that can stop them! When my boundaries are established and she can no longer attack me or get to me it allows me the opportunity to do my inner work and most importantly to be connected to and in touch with my inner child…. thank you so much for this blog today and also the email! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
The narcissist in my life for past 15 years had a diagnosis of bipolar depression. I never ever saw the narcissism until he left. I had not married him as he had an affair for 1 1/2 years (off and on) 2 years into our relationship, (wouldn’t you think I would have left then?),and I would not marry someone I could not trust. He would go on rants and threaten he would find someone else to marry if I wouldn’t marry him and I would just listen and stick my head in the sand. I always blamed his weird behavior on his bipolar diagnosis, and didn’t think I could leave him as he had this bipolar thing going on. My intuition kept reminding me that something was wrong. When he left about 4 months ago, he threw a letter down on my table blaming me for his unhappiness. Of course, when I asked him, he had another source he had apparently been grooming. I have seen him once since, but now no contact and he has only e – mailed once about getting together (which I declined) and mailed a note about my grandson’s athletic news(to which I did not respond). No contact is easy for me. It is the no closure ….. and anger at myself for allowing myself to be sucked into his sickness that is difficult. Thank you for your insights and knowledge on this psychopathic behavior.
Hi Nancy,
thank goodness you are out of that and can now start healing.
Sending love and breakthroughs to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie-
I have heard and watched many videos/webcasts etc from others regarding narcissism and they all educated me on what narcissism is and why these people are the way they are. However, your message stands high above the others because YOUR teachings have told me and taught me how to take my own power back.
I heard about owning my own power and finally got it many months ago while listening to one of your webcasts. I would like to say you have been instrumental in changing my life. As a lifelong people pleaser raised by two narcs, it was very difficult to break out of the pattern of putting others first, including the narcs. Do I have all the answers? No, I don’t. But I am far better off now than I was even as much as two years ago due to all the education I have gained from you and your teachings.
One thing I did learn the hard way was never to even attempt to educate a fully grown adult on how to function in the world/treat me with appropriate words and behavior. That is a THEM problem, not a me problem. With the narcs in my life, I’ve learned to save my breath and my words, instead allowing my actions and inactions to show them exactly what I think of their nonsense. It’s been a struggle to shore up my own power but it’s also been essential to do so and I’m better for it. I have you to thank for this.
Hi Laura,
I am really passionate about healing from this, rather than just learning about it.
I love that – so true! It is not a “me problem” (beautifully put!)
Bless you, and I am so pleased I could help you Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow. It is like you are exactly describing my ex after 14 years when I finally got wise and listened to advice like these blogs. I am going through a divorce and messages like this one remind me to stay firm in my boundaries and that I am not alone. Thank you. Truly.
I am so pleased that this helped Beth!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
It takes power and for some of us more support than others. The support isn’t available for a lot of us, and we have to be cautious about getting involved with the disability system.I can see what’s happening, but that doesn’t always mean that I can do anything about it or have a social support system. I’m really not into the people or social scene here. Have difficulties getting around. I’d rather have peaceful times when I can get them than take on the familiar insane situations elsewhere.
The system is so bad for people like me that narc has been able to play punishment by proxy. Narcs also like to play Tough Cop, Soft Cop. I guess those are variations on triangulation.
Good job Melanie Tania Evans. Good job👍 “MOTHER” is what my life boiled done to in the realm of NARCISSISTIC abuse WRONGTOWN. 👍 “MOTHER” 👍 i know from your videos and blogs that you have become a beautiful Mother to your son and that your parents were not known to you to be Narcs unfortunately i didn’t have that chance to ever catch on to what is going on before my parents died but, i also had the portion of my life brutally “MURDERED”away to feed the “MOTHER” in my life and by default a well enlightened missing dad carried that on for another 2 decades willingly holding to “MOTHER’s” dark entity lambasting since my birth for 7 decades span of outrages confounding miserableness that was the most that she would ever want for her not wanted baby. Only as i type this did i have an epiphany of the tangible kind just who was behind my first memories of actual ocular darkness occurring during an altercation in my whitepicket fence five year old life of bloodshed and it was her my “MOTHER”. THE SCENE was actually suddenly darkened upon seeing my daddy take to action in my defense. I had no idea that one parent could be unaware as enlightened as he was of her dark entity intention and premeditation criminal act on herself and all the children , born both before and after me . As it shows that the psychological state of the female parent has adverse “EFFECT” on the children. In my parents life she caused something worse than street drugs (this is not jibe) to her babies , she miscarried up to 8 times before my birth. Her outward addictions and supposed allergies are directly associated to her lost humanity (ego taking over from her authentic self) it was her self hatred that killed those babies and burdened her two surviving babies to great loss. I say this as a result of my understandings from your NARP and from professional medical men deep into master healing. With decades of “last chance clinic” experience in ACTUAL practice aiding those that had been given up on by the mainstream medical minions. This psychology of the parents has all the impact on fertility imagined or unconscious . Breaking everything to get her way 2 year old in a would be “MOTHER’s” adult body. Through the internet i am able to see the 1,000 things i have not ever imagined could be . Or that i could take into account to create my fulfillment and then prosper in having succeeded.G’day
It is the pain of trying to explain to them about boundaries they should not cross, which hurt you so much. This I have learnt is a pointless exercise, until the cycle is repeated and I do it again. Why? I know I am repeating myself and asking him not to cross boundaries for our relationship to survive, but I feel he enjoys the angst and never apologises or admits he was wrong. No, he will argue like a child, totally irrelevant topics are thrown into the, now argument, and it is all my fault.There will be silence, I am defeated, and he then starts a new conversation as if nothing has happened, totally ignoring the unresolved problem I have just tried to explain to him hurts me so much. I cannot believe I accept it, but I do, he is like a drug and the good times are great, but when he is challenged, he throws such nasty comments and remarks into the argument. I do realise the good times do not really mean anything to him. I think I could be anybody just filling the space, as he hates to be alone. One day I shall be happy inside and out…just need strength to make it possible.
Hi Melanie,
Unfortunately my ex is the father of my child, but I have no problem going ‘no contact’ with him, which I’ve done religiously for 2 of 4 years of the kiddos life.
I even keep a phone just for him so I have the joy of switching it off completely between visits. But his harassment never stops. He still messages the family system 3-5 times every day as if we’re buddies, this animal who lied so much to the judge etc now wants to buddy chit chat! Incredible!
I only switch on the phone when visits start and each time I have to delete 20-30 messages he’s sent at all hours of the night. He’s recently taken to sending photos of his terrible wizened self. Who the hell wants to see that?!
His live-in GF who was apparently “the real love of his life” left him last month because NO-ONE can live with him?! I reply to NOTHING unless it’s specifically important about the child which means I ignore about 95% of his mental drivel. He’s so up his own bum I think he’s only recently figured it out.
His new full time job (he doesn’t work he grifts with his criminal friends) is working on the kiddo who doesn’t really like him. He’s using the paedo trick of enticing him with pets to buy him. I ignore it. I try and fill my kid with as much love as possible so he’s as immune as can be from this sicko.
Because the ex isn’t normal, I know his not so low level harassment will never end unless he finds himself a wealthy GF (he just loves other peoples property) or he literally drops dead, but thanks to you that I figured the boundaries out, I got it, and my life is coming back to me.
It’s not just parents who teach weak boundaries I think society colludes to tell people especially women that it’s unreasonable to have boundaries especially against an ex. We have no right to leave these pigs say the terrible judges, police etc. But we do.
If it wasn’t for no contact I think I’d have gone mad. Thanks to your voice in the wilderness validating us, we all can start waking up, taking our power back, and help push back against all this crap. It’s time.
With gratitude and love.
Hi Sky,
please know that the power every N has over us, contact or not, is the triggering inside.
Have you considered doing the inner work to go totally free of all of that?
It’s the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves and our kids and to enter a truly glorious life.
It’s the triggers that stand between us and “that”.
You seem like you really want to grow and heal. NARP for you would be my total suggestion http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks again Melanie, So happy now I’m the other side of the narks craziness and back to normal, I have a new life in a New town, with lots of New friends and neighbours, everything has been restored, family, possessions, Peace, Contentment and your So right, the Love I was looking for, was in side me all the time, and I’ll never give my Power away to another, keep up the Great work, Blessings Col 😇
Hi Col,
it’s my pleasure.
Soooo happy for you – you are rocking it!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Another Wonderful video Mel regarding Boundaries!
Really Love the explanation, the example and then the knowing that actually what it takes is to hold the Boundary, regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
To keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving, because there’s nothing else to do 🙂
Wonderful!
Thank You
Kondwani
Thank you Kondwani!
Bless you Dear Man
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is a really difficult one for me because I have been working with a therapist to understand what’s going on in my life. And it seems that it’s unclear who the narcissist is.
From childhood my mother’s been telling me that I’m too naive and influenced by others whilst constantly telling me to be “seen and not heard” have respect for my elders and not to argue or disobey what they tell me. Whilst maintaining my perfect appearance, I never came home untidy as I’d never hear the last of it, the same goes for bad behaviour it was always about her reflected image.
Now Im addressing these things, she constantly shuts me down with “you’re right, I am a monster”
Stays away for weeks only to slowly make her way back into my life when I’m feeling more confident in myself to go and pursue my own life.
I’m 30 and completely isolated.
Because every person that gets close or everytime she suspects someone getting close she starts digging and undermining everything. My hair my clothes, the choice of friends even making a mockery of some quirk of there’s. Its too much.
Hi Lily,
my work is about not working out who “they” are, it about healing and aligning yourself – regardless of them.
I know that may not make sense now – but it takes all the confusion out of healing and gets directly to where you need to heal – inside of you.
I’d love to explain to you more about this in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this helps, I think it could assist you a lot
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie
I got sucked in again yesterday over arrangements for the children and find it difficult to keep to the boundaries if I think they will affect the children detrimentally. He obviously knows I am like this so no reasonable options are ever forthcoming. Is the only solution to do something which is best for me but not best for the kids?
Thanks.
Hi Bronnie,
giving in is not best for our children, it teaches them to acquiesce and allow their boundaries to be compromised.
That is not what they need from you.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar to understand more about this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I haven’t seen or heard from my daughter for 2 years as the narc has taken her over. I have spent past 2 years fighting him in court where he has completely taken over all court reporters due to the fact they don’t do due diligence to spot that most of his testimony about me being mad and abusive is false. I have used your narp programme to try to heal myself whilst still having to try and protect/retrieve my child out of his control. Its exhausting and traumatising as he can play a system that is set up to give men power over their wives and children. I have tried to disengage spiritually but its tough when you hear your child repeat the words of the narc and believe his version of events, even though she’s seen him arrested for hitting me etc. I can see how he’s messing with her head in the same way he messed with mine.
Everything you mentioned not only applies to Narcs but also. Narc organizations. Its profound because I’ve seen it in both.