Wow! I love this topic … because it is so … well … interesting.
Maybe like me, you used to believe that narcissists have big egos, meaning … that they are confident.
Certainly, with many narcissists it would appear that they are incredibly confident, because they have big personalities, are strong, sure of themselves, compelling, hysterically funny, and the life of the party (the overt more typical ones anyway).
Today I want to let you in on the truth and the very fascinating “thing” about narcissistic egos.
Please follow along!
Scrutinizing The Belief That Ego = Confidence
Those of you familiar with my work, know I don’t take the contemporary psychological route. I love to think of this Community as immersing into Soul psychology, and thank you for being a fellow traveller and going into these deeper realms with me!
Okay, I’m just going to give it to you straight – I don’t believe for one millisecond that ego equals confidence.
In fact, I firmly believe that many people who laugh the loudest, take centre stage and engage the most with other people are often insecure. They are overcompensating. It’s usually a cover for not feeling confident in their own skin.
This is really about a “need” to be seen, admired and accepted. Generally, because this person is struggling to accept and feel at peace within themselves.
Confidence doesn’t need to “parade”. It just is.
This is not to say that someone being strong, sure of themselves, animated, funny and engaging is always “covering up” how they really feel, but I would say that someone trying to always operate like this, rather than being happy to sit back observe and be quiet at times (especially if they can’t allow others to take centre stage) certainly is in the category of “insecure” and “not feeling whole within themselves”.
A healthy balance is to just be yourself at that time (whatever that is) and allow others to be themselves also!
The Spiritual Concept Of Ego
I love Wayne Dwyer’s acronym for ego – Edging God Out.
I agree. The need to constantly be liked, loved, admired and accepted (often garnered with apparent confidence, showiness and even overt benevolence) is because of not knowing, and being filled with the Light of knowing yourself as Source / God / Creation knows you are– loveable and worthy simply because you exist.
When in the business of filling with Source Light (which I’ll get to soon regarding how I and many people in this community do that), there is nothing to prove, no approval to be won, no needing to try to earn love, and no emptiness inside that needs to be filled with other people’s attention.
Oh, it is such sweet freedom!
This becomes more and more of your natural state when you release the traumas that are keeping you separated from this organic natural connection to Source (you are a part of Source) and fill with the Light which is your True Self.
My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) in its entirety, delivers you home to this organic state, that becomes more and more your natural beingness – your true essence.
True confidence is the ability to be yourself, accept yourself, present yourself, show up honestly and authentically as you are – without having to put on a show or an act to be something other than who you are really being.
Confidence is telling the truth, regardless of the consequences, knowing that Source loves you and honours you because you love and honour you.
Confidence is the throwing away of your ego attachments if it comes to losing your Soul in order to cling to them.
Confidence applies courage and chooses truth and your Soul, knowing that when you align with your Soul, you are always filled, cared for and provided for by the True Source of all things, regardless of how others and circumstances accept your choice.
By aligning with your Soul Truth and your moral compass, and not handing your power away, Source provides. The rest takes care of itself.
I don’t believe “confidence” is enhanced by ego – at all.
Ego takes the quick fix, the easy route and chooses props, image, identity, distractions, other people’s energy, ways to self-medicate and avoid the truth.
It creates false narratives, false connections and false lives.
Now let’s apply all of this to narcissists.
The Narcissistic Ego
Initially what hooks so many people into a narcissist is their apparent confidence, brashness and presence. Of course, it can be attractive and even intoxicating.
But it is not endearing.
Endearing is when someone is being truly themselves – honest and humble.
You may think a narcissist is being “themselves” because in their “confidence” they don’t care what other people think about them.
It may seem that they are authentic. Yet, authenticity is a “warts and all” deal. The narcissist’s brashness is part of the show – it gets them attention.
What happens if you crack the mirage that is the ego – the False Self? This – the narcissist is triggered on a hairline.
“How dare you question / challenge / disagree / criticize me?!” with the associated defence mechanisms that often include cruel attacks, stonewalling, discards and punishment.
Here is what happened – you didn’t feed and prop up the superior, infallible and beyond reproach version of the narcissist that the False Self (ego) demands you agree with.
What does this intense knee jerk reaction mean?
It means this … the narcissist’s ego is a DEEPLY fragile, insecure construct. It is not based in human solid wholeness and reality, which is …
“I’m human, and I give me permission to be myself. My source of love and acceptance is True Source, not anything or anyone else. As Source accepts me so do I. If you agree with my version of me then we are a meeting of minds, hearts and Souls, and if not, I am still me.”
In regard to being a True Self, narcissists aren’t even on the football field let alone anywhere near the goals.
Here is what is really going on with the narcissist, “I loathe my true inner defective, unworthy, unlovable being. Therefore, I have kicked it to the curb (completely disowned it) and created a fictitious self in its place. I constantly tell myself I am a superb, incredible creature, and need to get other people to agree with this version of myself to stop myself collapsing into the parts of me that I am trying to avoid at all costs.”
Can you see now why if you look at this person the wrong way, say something incorrectly, don’t greet them at the door immediately, do this, do that, or even breathe too loudly – you set them off into a barrage of what it is that you did or didn’t do that offended them?
Initially with narcissists we were all shocked that these incredibly “powerful shiny super-humans” could carry on like a spoilt brat over something that we wouldn’t even blink at.
Now you know why …
It’s the problem of the ego … the False Self. The paper-thin personality structure that needs all the planets to align and the wind to never blow the wrong way, otherwise it starts to flop and topple.
The Little Man / Woman Behind The Curtain
False Selves hide, specifically their True Self.
Narcissistic hiding is done with major defence mechanisms. These things are “the curtain” – grandstanding, entitlement, grandiosity, self-promotion ad-nauseum and loads of gaslighting.
The narcissist wants you to think they are more capable and the authority of you.
This is engineered with false promises, coercion, manipulation, deceit and threats. There is also the assault on your confidence with shame, accusations and degradations, so that they can instil this control over you.
It’s an illusion.
None of it is the truth.
It’s a False Self hoax.
The narcissist doesn’t have their own power source and is an insecure coward that is no match for your True Self.
In Conclusion
When you let go of believing this person is your Source of love, approval, security and survival, and accept they are harvesting you for False Self requirements (power and control) then you know there is zero option to save your Soul other than to detach.
Now it’s time to connect to True Source.
As you release the emotional attachment to the False Source (the narcissist) and fill up with True Source instead (NARP is the path for this), you will feel the spell dissolve.
And then you are delivered out to the other side – into your Light, confidence, True Self and the knowing of infinite wisdom, support and guidance.
Then the rest starts to look after itself.
You will see … and feel and know what it is to be free.
I’d love to know if this article spoke to you today.
What do you believe about the ego now? How do you view the narcissist now?
Let me know your thoughts …
I have been attacked by my wife and her boyfriend. They are now openly admitting their affair and they are both filing false reports to the police. I’m very concerned about the safety of my children. She took the children away and had me removed from my home so she can replace me with her boyfriend in the eyes of our children. I’m not sure how this will impact our children or how I will ever be able to repair the damage they have caused.
When I read articles like this it confirms all the traits of my narc ex-husband…he was ALWAYS the loudest talker and laugher when interacting with others; I used to get embarrassed by that. Others could barely get a word in edgewise. Every day I thank God that I left him. My life has PEACE and contentment that was rarely there with him. Your articles help me to understand why.
This article was perfect corroboration of what I’ve been thinking recently … Narcissists are cowards, like schoolyard bullies, picking on those who appear smaller or weaker, in order to puff up their own “ego” and assume power & control.
The ego of my Narcissistic husband was demanding control over my life; the massive insecurity he felt presided over all rational actions and behaviors. He was constantly checking my cell phone and computer for “evidence” to have yet another fit of rage over his imagined projections of my infidelity and using him. Meanwhile, I tried to tolerate his abuse for many years thinking if I could develop a thicker skin I’d survive my marriage. The cost turned out to be too large and the verbal abuse eventually drove me out and I am going though a very dark passage as he continues now to idealize me and want me back. I know if I return, it would be to the same old routine or even worse as he gains power and control. I tell myself not to let him but my peptide addiction is activated whenever I hear from him again and my depression and sadness activated when I realize I can’t .
I feel like I wrote this. I feel exactly the same. I’m sorry you went thrift this abuse. It was horrific. Stay strong in knowing it’s in our best interest to stay no contact. I will do the same.
Lynn do this NARP program, only aytheu. It’s life changing and will set you free. Excellent help when you join.
Hi Lynn,
my heart goes out to you because this is a precarious time.
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and if you are please come in to the NARP member’s forum, where the incredible NARP family can help you powerfully move through this time http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
You don’t have to do this alone!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thanks for the topic! My experience tells me that without a doubt they have serious ego issues and narcissists are certainly NOT endearing! If brash bullying and cruel behavior is the product of ego then, well…… I was told once by a very wise person that all of this that we call narcissism is “illusory behavior”. 😌 hmmm🤔
Thank you for mentioning Wayne Dwyer! ❤️ I absolutely love him and his so inspirational writings….
Much love to you, Melanie ❤️🦋❤️
Bless Peter!
You are so welcome as always!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you so much …all of this is so true …i surrendered to his mental trauma without realising i did that
This article validates my new life without the parental & many other narcissists from my family of origin. I’m sooo grateful to NARP & to you for this new start I’ve been able to make since joining NARP in June 2020.
That’s awesome that NARP is helping you so much Laurel!
Well done on doing the inner work to go free!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This reads as if you are writing about my exact life of being with a narcissist for 26 years! Thank goodness I woke up and left with no contact for 12 years! I’ve learned alot during these years. About 1.5 years ago I received an email from him asking how I was doing. I knew instantly what he wanted. I did not respond. Two weeks went by. I decided to respond with a list of things that had happened in the last 12 years. None of which was good. I knew he wanted me to say how much I missed him etc. I ended with that I have survived all of it without him and am doing great!! Never heard one word from him since. I’m sure he couldn’t believe that I survived without him!! No contact since and never will be! Thank you!!
It’s so lovely to understand and experience how damaging the ego actually is. At least after narcissistic abuse you become open and able to dissolve and smash down your own egoism in order to then allow your true self to shine through.
Love to you all
Ameena 🌼
Thank you for another great insight.
You have been a wonderful source of them for me.
I have grown tremendously in the past few years.
With many of your ‘truths’ I’d been doubtful- I have to admit- however, in the end each one proved real.
I am thrilled by the inner freedom I have gained.
Thank you, Melanie
I love that my work has been substantiated to you Beata!
The truth does set us free!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
They also have the biggest, loudest mouths that don’t know when to shut up particularly when they get angry and have hair-trigger tempers over anything and everything real or imaginary.
Dec 5, 2018. Three years of living alone. My Narc husband died just 6 years after I threw him out. A 2 y.o in an adult body. My Narc mother died. My Narc father died by suicide from no way out from my Narc sister’s abusive care. My Narc daughter was the last one left to leave. I sold my house that she was trashing and living for free at 36. She was waiting for me to die so she could inherit it.
What a magnificent deposit in my emotional bank account when I woke up that fateful morning and said to myself, “I’m willing to let all this go. “
I don’t even have words for how clean, stable, and inspiring my life has become in just 3 years of living free.
Hi Cynthia,
what a beautiful inspiration you have just shared here.
It is about letting it all go.
Continued love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Cynthia,
What amazing courage and strength you have! Your story gives me hope! Thank you so very much! 💞🙏
Awesome!I don’t feel alone anymore!Tx
This is exactly how I always saw my narc father, since I was around 15. He’s been dead 6 years now and can’t hurt anyone anymore. I felt free after going No Contact 3 years before he died. My very abused mother died precisely 15 weeks after Dad died. Strange how life unfolds… I have no problem eliminating narcs from my life now, like tossing empty egg shells in the compost.
Thank You it was like you were in the room explaining what is going on yesterday,
I love it when God and the Holy Spirit brings wisdom to my attention.
Thanks so much.
Steve
It is a beautiful thing Steve!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I read your blog faithfully. Today I quoted you on mine. Your insight has helped me so much with the narcissists in my life. Thank you.
Hi Lisa,
its my pleasure and thank you for passing my work on.
Blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’m interested in the Authentic Me. And would lov emore information or reading to attain this.
Hi Connie,
it is such a beautiful goal to connect to your authentic self.
That “self” just “is” when you disolve away your internal trauma that has disconnected you from this.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar (if you never have) to learn more about this – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow! this we exactly my life eight year’s ago. His ego was Enormous. And the sad part was always the loudest talking about nothing. Your blogs has open my eyes to what I was dealing with and aloud me to go no contact. Continue to provide us with great reads. They truly are helpful.
My trips on how to spot a poor soul,,
1- they cannot hold any job for long,,,,,, .they will have many jobs.,,,,,, They get bored. ,,,,,, Bosses are hard to work with/for. They cannot work with others.
2/. Always have a opinion, which is also stupid. /weird. Make no sense
3/. Past 30. No job, Sleep past midday. Goes to bed late.
4/. living with single parent. ,
5/. Lives on YouTube. Texting. Internet. All To experience life /. On films or anything about others ,
6/if you show them ,a way out. Of their situation. Ie.
God has a plan for us all.
And you need to surrender to God.
Listen within. And follow the Holy Sprit.
7/. They will. blow a fuse.
8/. Run as fast as you can—- don’t look. Back.
it’s been almost a year, and i’m feeling brand new once i detach from the narc and began studying this disorder i realize who i fell in love with was myself he reflect everything i was positve back to me i no longer feel the need of closure bcuz it was never really a relationship it was more like a manipulationship and i was ready to fight back when i thought things over i realize i would be giving this kidult what he wanted energy whether it was good or bad that’s what they feed off and that’s when i starve the ( shit) out of him i no longer feel the need to contact him for no reason his ego was full of garbage and i let the trash take out the trash .
I completely agree with all of this! I lived it for about 23 years!! And I Actually used to tell people that it was his confidence was one of the things that I loved about him. Years later, I heard many others stating what an egomaniac he was, and how cocky….and I started to turn and take notice. I was embarrassed. For him as well as myself. This is how he reels people in. Even our own kids notice this now, and they are embarrassed as well.
It also totally resonated with me how one simple thing would “set him off”….not greeting him at the door, not saying hi or bye in the right manner, “breathing too loud” —-Lol…I once got barraged for coughing in the middle of the night because I was sick, and another time for saying Hi to the dog first as I got home from work!!! Ridiculous stuff I used to put up with….and each time, he’d turn it around and I was actually the one feeling bad and apologizing!! Thank God I am OFF that hamster wheel!
Thanks Melanie!!!!
Hi Karen,
You are very welcome!
I am so happy for you too that this insanity is behind you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is so spot on. I have been talking about pride and ego for several years now and how it is affecting our relationship. That ego is so powerful I cannot compete. I have literally felt invisible for the longest time while I watch him openly admire himself. The person I know now I see nothing I would ever have even liked about. I am only disgusted.