A narcissist knows how to target you.
It’s no different than a lion sizing up an injured gazelle.
ESPECIALLY after narcissistic abuse, you need to KNOW how they do it…
As well as close up all your GAPS – the things they LOOK for that MAKE you susceptible to them.
If you are TERRIFIED of running into a narcissist again, this may be the most necessary TTV episode you have ever watched.
Video Transcript
Narcissists are very manipulative and they know how to draw you in and empty you out, sending you all the way to your demise.
People believe that narcissists can target anyone. So if you believe this, I really hope today will help you understand that they can’t.
Mind you, if you have been drawn in this is NOT about blaming and shaming you. I was too! What today’s Thriver TV is about is you identifying your ‘gaps’ and closing them firmly up, so that never again can a narcissist identify you as a target, hone in and ensnare you.
How does that sound?
I promise you this – when you become inoculated against narcissists, you’re free to be yourself, powerfully and radiantly in the world. No more hiding, shrinking and being scared.
What could be better?
Do stay with me on this today, because I’m going to take you through powerful, real-life examples to explain to you HOW to achieve this.
Okay, before I get started, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, make sure you hit the like button.
Closing Your Gaps While Dating
Understandably, people are terrified to date again after being smashed by a narcissist.
So many people ask, ‘What if I get sucked in again?’
I really want you to know that dating, when you have these fears, is dangerous. This is because fear is a powerful magnet that draws to us exactly the experiences we fear. Fear does NOT keep us safe. The reason why is because our most important human soul lesson is to know that people outside of you are NOT responsible for your experience – you are. If you fear them, instead of being solidly you, then life will show you HOW you are not being solidly you.
If your beliefs are that sharing a meal and a glass of wine with a narcissist means they can trick you, draw you in and start destroying your life, then you will continue to get what you believe. If you believe ‘This previously happened to me because I had gaps that I was unconscious about, however, if I shore them up this will never happen to me again’, then you don’t need to ever worry who you are sharing dinner with.
In fact, you will welcome the experience of seeing how DIFFERENT you are as your own powerful protector and healthy Source! How else will you have the confidence to know your life is firmly in your own hands and isn’t susceptible to others?
I know in my previous life I used to hand my weaknesses and victimhood (gaps) to narcissists on a plate. It was my ‘normal’ and I had no idea I was doing it.
One of the greatest mistakes that makes us as easy prey for a narcissist as an injured gazelle is for a lion is this: telling them about all ways that previous partners have hurt us. This is because it means all a narcissist needs to do is tell us how much they are NOT that person. Then we think we have hit the jackpot with this person, whereas the narcissist is actually skilled in telling us what we want to hear.
If we do instant relationships and don’t take the time to ascertain someone’s values and character, we are playing Russian roulette with our soul and life.
Look at what happens when we discover that we are hooked to someone who is not a nice person, who doesn’t have our best interests at heart, and who doesn’t even have the resources to be healthy – we lie to ourselves that we are ‘in love’.
Real love has certain criteria to even be possible, and without these requirements love is obsession, addiction and toxic rather than genuine.
Likewise, if we try to be everything that we think someone else needs and wants in order to be loved and accepted, then we are not being real and are hugely susceptible to being matched up to a False Self – a narcissist.
Yet, if we are firmly in our body, anchored in our values, self-love and self-acceptance and take our time to see if people match our values and truths, we no longer accept and try to change people who aren’t compatible into people who will make us happy.
Rather, we will be content to wait until the right match comes along.
Let’s imagine a few different scenarios:
Craig is on a date with Amber. She looks and smells great and Craig finds her to be stunning. They start a sexual relationship very quickly. Amber is a narcissist and starts abusing Craig and draining his resources. Only a few weeks into the relationship already Craig is hooked because of the great sex and he doesn’t believe he can meet anyone as attractive as Amber.
***
Then there is Scott, who is on a date with Joy. She wants to move things along very quickly. Scott knows that sensible women, who honour themselves, take time to ascertain men. Anyway, he’s not interested in sex without feeling and connection. He refuses to sleep with Joy, wanting to take his time to get to know her. Joy, after a couple more dates when Scott will not capitulate, sends him a text accusing him of being gay and telling him he has lost the best dating opportunity he’ll ever have.
Of course, Joy was a narcissist needing to secure narcissistic supply very quickly. Scott dodged a bullet.
***
And then there is Georgia on a date with Darren, answering his intense questions about her life and her past. She replies with how disappointed she has been with men not making her a priority, and how this hurts her. Darren looks her in the eyes, leans over and says, ‘Any man would be honoured to have you in their life. These men were stupid; they had no idea what they had.’ Georgia’s heart fills with love and joy – just as if she was a parched woman in a desert finding an oasis and taking a deep drink.
At first the honeymoon period was amazing, but it turns into horrific rejection, abandonment, disdain and abuse. Darren was a narcissist who had quickly and expertly hooked Georgia in by pretending to be the saviour of her wounds. Naturally, he was the messenger of them, because these were her gaps, her unhealed inner parts that he could abuse her with, while she clung on, desperately addicted to him and trying to make someone love her better THIS time.
***
Finally, there is Anna who is on a date with Peter. Peter asks Anna about her previous relationships and Anna explains to him how blessed and grateful she was for her journey, because of the work on herself and how it helped her love and accept herself and be free of her wounds.
Peter visibly seems confused. He says to Anna, ‘I’m the same. I have learned so much from my relationships. I love personal development and growth as well.’
‘Oh’, says Anna, ‘What exactly did you learn and from what experience? I’m all ears!’ Peter’s conversation with Anna showed he had no grasp of either personal development or taking responsibility for his own development or growth.
At the end of the night, when Peter asks Anna if she wants to catch up again, Anna answers, ‘I think not. Good luck with dating and thanks for an interesting evening.’ To which Peter replies, ‘You’re right, there isn’t enough attraction for me to see you again anyway.’
Anna was nearly crying with laughter when she got into her car. This was such a powerful graduation where she was punching the air with joy. ‘I just flushed out a narc EASILY. Yay!’
High five to her!
Closing Your Gaps In Family Relationships
Let’s have a look at how this translates in situations with people we already know, such as family relationships or friendships.
John is a married man, a grown adult with his own family, yet his father Gary controls him. Gary is always asking John to drop everything for him, and rather than show gratitude and appreciation, Gary constantly criticises and abuses him.
John is hooked, and even when his wife threatened to leave him because of money, energy and time drained on his father, he couldn’t stop jumping to attention every time Gary summoned him.
John’s unhealed wounds were responsible for these unconscious pulls; his entire life he had been trying to earn his father’s love and respect, but nothing he could do was ever good enough.
***
Gayle used to hand her power and time to her narcissistic sister Colleen. Colleen was a single mother and used Gayle for money and babysitting, and whenever Collen got a man in her life, she would use him instead, and dump Gayle like a hot potato.
Gayle was previously heartbroken, confused and wrung out, and she lived in hope that one day she would have the healthy loving relationship with her sister that she had always dreamed of.
Finally, Gayle did the work on her inner traumas regarding her relationship with her sister and released the hooks and pulls of responsibility and guilt that she’d suffered. Gayle stopped handing money over and, after the last discard from her sister, was very clear – without an apology, and respect, the relationship was over.
The relief Gayle felt by claiming her life, power and soul back was immense. When her sister tried to smear her, Gayle let go of that trauma. She had no need to try to prove anything, and just kept her eyes on her side of the road, continuing to heal and generate her own healthy life, letting go of anyone and everything that didn’t represent this.
Now, let’s look at the business side of things.
Closing Your Gaps In Business
Andrew is brilliant yet shy. He had incredible ideas, development processes and loads of money, yet he didn’t have the confidence to be a public front man. Andrew met George, a charismatic salesman, through joint friends.
Over a few drinks, Andrew shared his dreams with George. George’s ears pricked up. He looked Andrew intently in the eyes and assured him he could help him with contacts and connections.
Andrew felt the relief of ‘Finally someone with the confidence and persona to help me’ and he and George joined forces. Twelve months later, after George disappeared with half a million of Andrew’s money, Andrew realised he had been conned by a sociopath.
Andrew didn’t take the personal responsibility to stop blaming George, and realise sensible adults do due diligence, check out people’s credentials thoroughly and draw up contracts and retain control and security along the way.
His lack of belief in himself had caused him to willingly, and far too quickly, hand complete power to George – which is what everyone, without exception, does to narcissists that abuse them.
***
Alice was a client of Jeanette’s when Jeanette shared her dream to open her own shop in a prestigious area. Alice told her she had the same vision and they should consider a partnership. After investigating Alice’s proposal, which Jeanette requested, Jeanette realised that she, herself, would be taking on all the risk and financing, and that Alice’s references weren’t credible.
After calling Alice out with the discovered truth, Jeanette never saw her again as a client and felt no loss at all.
The Absolute Formula To Not Get Taken In By A Narcissist
Now, let me condense these different scenarios and make it really clear cut for you.
1) Don’t express your weaknesses to people you don’t know.
2) Stop holding other people responsible for your life – such as believing you need to find someone else to fix, save or complete your life.
3) Don’t fall in quickly with people. Narcissists need a payoff of narcissistic supply rapidly for their expended energy. They will not hang around for your due diligence.
4) Know your values and retain your boundaries. Other people don’t need to get it – you need to get it.
5) Release your hooks and gaps within so that there is no more neediness, recklessness and emptiness driving your choices.
6) Be excited about every experience and opportunity which presents and strive to be your best self without any fear or concern about how other people are being.
It’s so important to understand that we all have patterns of behaviour and emotional hooks – unresolved wounds – in our life that have caused us to hand our power away.
As shown in these examples that I have shared with you today, Craig, Georgia, John and Andrew, as a result of remaining unconscious, are stuck in historic patterns indefinitely with no sign of relief, growth and change. Narcissistic abuse is an ongoing soul lesson for them – until they wake up.
Whereas, as a result of taking firm responsibility to be the generator of their own lives, Scott, Anna, Gayle and Jeanette are living on trajectories where their Life delivers them the same genuine support and authenticity with people and situations that they are showing themselves.
So, is this clear now?
Has the penny dropped?
Do you know the powerful way home out of narcissistic abuse now?
If this is not 100 per cent clear in your body, which is where it needs to be, then come with me while I help you heal your gaps and traumas that have made you susceptible. And, I promise you, together we will find them and release them, turning you into a boundary beast – firmly in your power, saying ‘narcissist who?’ because they will cease to have any power over you at all!
This journey starts by clicking this link.
If you are with me write ‘Boundary Beast!’ below.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.
Boundary Beast!!!
Boundary Beast!!!
I lost my husband of 33 yrs he passed away 5 yrs ago I was very depressed.after 2 yrs my sister ran into a guy I dated when I was 18 she talked me into meeting up with him because I was staying in my bedroom a lot and not going out of the house,she said you need to get out and was concerned with my health and depression after talking with me about it for almost a yr I agreed if she would go with me to meet him she said it’s just someone to do things with and no commitment.we met and he started talking about how he always loved me and was hurt when I broke up with him when we were young due to him going skinny dipping with another girl back then.we started talking and seeing each other.It was good in the beginning then he started bringing up my husband and how he wished we had what my husband and I had because we were inseperatable he seemed jealous then he would bring up people I dated after him when we were young.we continued dating,he knew my husband and I use to ride on our Harley motor cycle so he went out and bought one he very soon tried to get me to move in but I wasn’t ready for that as I was still grieving 33 yrs is a long time to lose the love of my life and father to my kids.i was very confused he would constantly bring up the past.I did fall in love with him as time went on but my family noticed he tried to seclude me from spending time with my family and only spend time with him.He was filling my head with things and making me think I was going crazy saying I said things or he would say you font remember your twisting things up,I thought I was losing my mind and he was very jealous of other friends of my husband and mine especially men.I ended having to have 3 hand surgerys and was in 2 very bad car accidents to which he had no remorse and wanted me to be at his house to take care of his dog while he went to see his kids out of state and be with him instead of home recuperating.Then mother ended being diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor and breast cancer and 2 aneurysms so I took care of her at her home while she was on hospice during this time he started seeing another girl but didnt tell me and didnt come to see me at my moms accept a cpl times.when my mom passed he told me dont just show up at my house I’ve been seeing someone I told you that you didnt have enough time for me and I thought we should break up I was shocked he never once said that but said I dont remember.Yhen he continued to want to see me but would still see her without telling me till I caught them both naked at his house I was devastated then he would tell me he doesnt wsnt to be with her and I am the only one he wants so I would continue to see him.Then he told me unless I move in he is going to continue seeing her and told me he didnt care if my mom died or my daughter I am suppose to be with him and he doesnt take rejection very well I was shocked so we broke it off and he would continue to tell me he was sorry and feed me a line once again to come back he would actually count the days thru the month when I was not with him due to my moms passing,my accidents,and 3 hand surgerys and always say how many days I was and wasnt with him as he saying I just dont remember things I literally thought I was losing my mind.He continued to see this girl and I playing his game between her and I and made me believe he loved me more he literally broke my heart as if I wasnt going thru enough with everything else I had been thru in the 3 yrs and was constantly bringing up my husband that passed saying you 2 were inseperatable that’s what I want etc…he finally started having the other girl stay with him saying I didn’t have enough time for him and she does but I love you not her she just makes more time for me.I am so hurt by him because he has made me love him and it’s like im addicted to him and I am so hurt especially when I didnt think I could ever care for someone again and to be honest I dont know why I do I have been thru so much in the last 5 yrs since I lost my husband and my mom and my 3 hand surgerys and 2 accidents and now him.It has been 8 days since he has contacted me and I am hurt,lost,and devastated because I love this man and I dont know why.My dr had to put me on depression medicine and anxiety med shortly after I lost my husband and with everything else I feel worthless,foolish he has drained me physically,mentally and emotionally I am more depressed and my anxiety is bad I am on disability due to my 2 accidents and 3 hand surgerys so feel like less a mom a grandma and a women. He has really damaged me yet it is hard for me not to see him or hear from him and it hurts knowing he has the other women with him in the house that I redecorated and cleaned up for him due to him being a hoarder his kids would always complain because of him hoarding things they were ashamed to bring their girlfriends over but than they were proud to after I cleaned it up and decorated I put so much work into making his house a home giving him a beautiful garden that he started for his mom before he lost her because I wanted to make it nice for him,taking care of his dog at his home so he could go on vacations to see his kids and family,decorating for Christmas to surprise him when he got home from seeing his kids,I just really tried to show him how much I love him and care for him I as m so exhausted from everything it hurts knowing this other women is with him because I love him and put so much effort and love and caring into this relationship and I feel like I am just a piece of garbage that was just thrown out all because I wasnt ready to make that move on moving in with him yet but there were a lot of red flags and things my family tried to get me to see that he was doing to me but I still love him and miss him and think of him constantly and think about him with the other women and it hurts and I wonder will he try to contact me and I wonder what did I do wrong which was that I didnt move in like he wanted so he just throws me away over and over and plays head games. I’m just very confused,hurt,I dont even want to get up in the morning.There is so much more to tell thats happened I could really use help badly.ty
I also have to get injections from my neck down to the bottom of my spine and I to right leg due to 2 accidents
Awww Kelly,
My heart goes out to you. Absolutely this is very painfully narcissistic what has been happening to you – and it defies all logic and sense to the normal human feelings of attachment and love that can be experienced.
Thid is deeply toxic, confusing and painful. Kelly at the time that you met this man you were vulnerable and in great pain, and this is often a time when toxic people do get their hooks in.
Kelly I’d love to help you untangle this, heal and take your power back, to get out of this agony.
That process can start here for you: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I so hope this can help you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Kelly,
Welcome to the world of the Narcissistic Abuser. What he’s doing is word perfect from the script they use whether they’re male or female and you’re addicted to his abuse and misuse, we have all been there so you need to get out and move on… easier said than done but IT can be done.
You obviously have a loving caring family so there’s a plus but until you decide you’ve had enough of this treatment by this man and go NO CONTACT then you’re just waiting for more of the same to happen, you don’t love him he’s just messed with your head to the point you can’t see what to do, well here’s what you do…
GO NO CONTACT… NONE WHAT SO EVER!
Go and do Melanie’s 16 Day Course which is FREE and will help you start to see how you can change your life around if you want to change it around
Thank your family for helping you and allow them to keep helping you in whatever way you need help and that doesn’t mean lying in bed blubbering all day but starting to think how you can help them in small ways which will help you feel like a person again, it doesn’t have to be a big deal just some small thing each day to help you on your healing path
And last but not least… GO NO CONTACT… NONE WHAT SO EVER! I can’t say this enough because he’s just waiting to do even worse things to you the moment you cave in, is that the life you want to lead? I don’t think so otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out for help.
Good luck it’s not easy but the freedom is so immense you’ll wonder why you thought he was worth all the effort and emotional pain, go back and enjoy all those wonderful memories you shared with a true loving man and when you’ve healed the crap this one has dished out you will find someone just as loving again, but unless you heal the crap you’ll just have more of the same type of men show up in your life
Boundary Beast!
BOUNDRY BEAST, 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
Boundry Beast!!!! 🙂
Boundary Beast!!
~thank you~ ♾❤️
Boundary Beast!
You’re awesome. Thank you for all your work 🙂
Boundary beast!! Love this post – thankyou!
Boundary Beast!!! HA 🙂 Love it! Thank you for your kind reminders/interesting insights. So good for the soul. I didn’t get angry with the article on identifying why I hung onto to a narcissist. … I know there’s more work to do on myself, but the one reason that rang loud on why I hung around and why I put up with it (this ‘friendship’ for a decade) was compassion. Yep, I felt for the person. . . . but things didn’t add up quickly, and I thought on reflection, that I was distracted with being a new mom in a new city, with totally new circumstances, and felt a bit vulnerable … and being kind and friendly didn’t hurt … and almost a decade passed. I tried to wean this person off me gently but they wouldn’t let go… I understand this clearly now…but it took almost 3 years, and had I understood what was really going on (I felt it so I went with my gut) and was happy with cutting off, however I’ve had hiccups along the road, and am realizing moreso now why its not a logical/easy cut off as the emotional work still needs to be done on myself. I accept this totally. So glad my good friend passed on one of your videos out of interest in hopes it might help. All your articles and videos are informative and helpful. They’ve helped in making me take the time to consider the gaps…but how to work on them is where I’m struggling a bit…
Hi Yasmin,
You are so welcome and that’s great my information resonates with you.
It’s so true that our hooks are not logical they are deeply emotional.
My healing resources are the inner work to heal up these parts of ourselves.
The starting point which explains it all is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary Beast!!!!
Boundary best! Thank you for all your healing work!
Boundary beast. I have been very very hurt by a narc for many years. We have been separated for 10 months now. 2 kids together. 7 and 9. I was as low as I could ever be and raising kids with her is not easy but I can honestly say thanks to my friends and family and listening to your videos I am an incredibly happy person now. I’m obviously still healing but I am on the right path and I just wanted to say thank you for all the help you have given to me. I’m not sure where I’d be if I didn’t find your program. Thank you
Hi Blane,
I’m so pleased you are honouring yourself and powerfully healing with NARP.
You are incredibly welcome and many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary Beast
Boundary Beast!
Boundary beast…thank you Mel…you are magic. …when you mentioned the kookaburra you brought a memory back to me …the song I sang in my school music exam was kookaburra sits in an old gum tree…I still remember the words…I had no idea what a kookaburra bird was since I am English and was very young….I am now humming this song. ..it is making me smile. …thank you
Hi Lorraine,
I love that song too!
So glad you can now relate to the noise one makes!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
And what you said is exactly what happened with my ex…I didn’t want to disclose my past as it was awful but he insisted on it…I felt dirty afterwards….little did I know then…what I am learning now through you and your wonderful work. Thank you again Mel
It’s so true Lorraine,
Before the n-abuse trip, so many of us didn’t know what healthy boundaries were.
That’s great you are healing them!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary beast !
BOUNDARY BEAST 🙌💯😊
Boundary beast! I have been divorced for 3 years and just tonite he lashed out thru my greatest vulnerability-my son. I have come a long way but still get zapped on occasion. There remains some letting go I must do. We will never co-parent the way I had hoped. Continue healing my traumas.
Thank you
Hi Teresa,
That is great that you are becoming a BB!
It’s so true co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible.
The model that works better is parallel parenting.
I hope this resource of mine can help
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1FEY5jkpCQo
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary Beast!!! Thanks from me and the kookaburra. Xxxx
Awww EMW you are so sweet!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My boundaries are set in stone! I will allow them to be broken for no one. Do not need a man to complete me. Asperger’s is a disease of the intestines causing the brain to really become a mess. There is a cure. For the time being, I find it tacky to complain about one man to another & I refuse!! I had a case worker female who tried to control me, but couldn’t, so she took my kitty & put her down & then ran. I have police reports & other proof. She tried to 302 me, but I was so silly it was unfounded. The organization she worked for is trying to project blame onto me & hold no responsibility for what has happened. I because so upset that I became ill with a fast heart rate & high blood pressure. I’m sure you know to get her where she belongs will be a blooming battle & my body has become so tired that I barely can keep my balance.
Boundary Beast”””””””””””””””””””””””’
I’m becoming a boundary beast, learning to be fully in my power through working Melanie’s Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
So pleased NARP is helping you so much Richard, and I hope you are loving Version 3!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary Beast!!!
Melanie Tonia Evans… Narp is truly changing me at the root of my being-I will be forever blessed that you turned up in my life when I thought all was lost xxxxxxxx
Awww Joanne,
I’m so happy for you that with NARP you are breaking through into your True and Amazing Self!
It makes me so happy to hear that.
Much love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary Beast…
I’ve just blocked someone from my phone and social media…someone who I’ve been in a relationship with for almost a year now. He was soooooo different from my ex-husband, and thought he was the most caring, loving, kind person I had ever met….
Anyway, I see how I “fell” for so much during this new relationship – and about how much power I handed over with all the information I shared with him quite early in the relationship. I picked up some warning signs early on, but convinced myself to work through things, or about how much good there is in this person, or about how much I love him and how much he loves me.
I signed up to NARP almost 2 years ago (about a year after getting out of my marriage), but never completed all the modules. I am going to give it a shot again..for myself…for my well-being.
Hi Nicky,
This is so great that you are being a BB and standing in the power and clarity to honour you.
NARP will help you so much in finding and uplevelling the hooks and going to the next level of your truth and incredible life!
Big kudos to you – you’ve got this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
So hard to do Mel. But knew that this time I couldn’t go into conversation again about why we need to end things, why we need to take a break etc….have done it so many times this year already. This time, I’m saying “enough is enough, no more talking, it’s done”…without anymore discussion or explanation, or else, the cycle just repeats itself……just went straight to blocking him after the last nasty set of messages I received yesterday.
Oh gosh Nicky,
Never will there be mutual understanding or care for your feelings and needs. You will always be the ‘bad one’ and the patterns don’t cease!
Yes, ‘I’m done and now it’s time to heal me’ is the only way out.
Please apart from NARP get into the NARP Forum for mine and the other Thriver’s support at this time.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Love and strength to you,
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Becoming a boundary Beast !
heres a strange scenario for you analyse
Why does a narcissist mother watch one of her children be thrashed by her husband with a walking stick so the child was black and blue ?
Do they obtain a nark Feed from this ?
This happened to my sister when I was younger, however I was not in the house to prevent this abuse.
eventually the father in question later took his own life when the nark mother divorced him, and may have constantly called him with verbal abuse. I believe he may have been the co-dependent in the family and possibly bipolar.
love to hear some feedback if you can as I can feel my stomach churning as i type this!
great videos Ange, love the info, so accurate and to the point.
Ooops, got the name wrong Melanie !sorry about that
“Boundary Beast”
I’m so so PROUD of all you Thriver BB’s!
Got to LOVE our Community!
Mwah, Mel 🙏💕❤️
Oh, wow, this is a fantastic article. Thank you so much. I have been working so hard on healing my own ‘gaps’ and I can see clearly how I was full-out narc fodder. I love how you mention that if you are full of fear – don’t date. I recently witnessed a woman’s marriage break up after 20 years – her second bad marriage – and without even taking a breath, she got involved with someone else and is getting married in 3 months. And every morning she wakes up in fear. It is a powerful reminder to me to heal and grow in wisdom. After 3 years of intense self search I can finally say, “I am still my loving, caring self – but wiser and with boundaries.” You are sooooooooooooooooo right in all you say and I thank you for this, Melanie. THANK YOU. One thing really hit me when you said ‘don’t share your weaknesses with people you don’t know well’. I’m really open and think nothing of sharing my fears and worries – I need to be careful with this. My ex narc swooped in and promised me the world and then dropped me after 20 years – with no warning. So thanks for this article, it’s amazing.
Hi Sue,
This is great this deeply resonated with you and that you are healing up your gaps!
You are very welcome and much power, love and truth to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary Beast Master 🙂
LOVE this Maria B!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary beast! and still releasing
Boundary Beast
Boundary Beast!
Boundary Beast in process! Great clear cut video!
That’s great Kathy,
So pleased this brought clarity!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Very good article. You really hit the nail on the head with this one.
I have limited contact with the narcissist in my personal life these days.
About the only thing I will talk to him about is the weather. 🙂
Boundary Beast.
Hi Hulia,
Less is best and none is even more!
Keep up the good work.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
BOUNDARY BEAST!!
This article was hard for me to read, because I recognized the mistakes I have been making most of my life. Initially it triggered self beating up thoughts, (how could I be so stupid, so reckless, etc.). but then I remember your healing modules and I know this is the time to be kind and let go of self criticism. Truth sets us free. There is no shame in making mistakes. learning the root cause of these patterns resolves them, for good. I know deeply that a person can only take a person as deep as they have gone in their own issues, blocks, etc. The stories you share of your own journey, show me you have truly done the inner work, gone deep into your own wounds. I’ve known for a long time the value and necessity to uncover the root cause of toxic patterns, self defeating behavior, etc. Your program is the first one I have come across that truly helps with this.(I have been searching for over 30 years). I know this is because of the inner work you have done yourself. Your program is amazing. Thank you deeply.
Hi Eve,
I totally understand. It takes great courage to admit and go towards our wounds that require healing.
Just as I am so proud of myself for embracing my deep wounds, I salute you in your self courage and self love to meet yours.
We are all doing amazing work and an amazing job here Eve.
Thrive On beautiful lady and I’m so pleased you are working with NARP to come home to you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Building Boundaries Beast!
Haha Leslie,
Triple B!
Brilliant 😁
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This is my first time telling this story. In my mid twenties I began work at a facility. The first week an employee was taken hostage. I told the much older more experienced person who made sure I was alright and looked out for me about my recent experiences with abuse and sexual assault. We began an intimate relationship soon after this. I became pregnant. We got married. Three months later and 8 months pregnant I literally ran away from his abuse. I never went back. We divorced. I raised my daughter myself pouring into her and struggling with parenting alone. My relationship with my daughter is what finaly brought me to my knees and to you Mel. So yes, I told people my weaknesses and the most critical life changing time I did so was to my daughter’s father. He would not see her. I always thought of her as mine, as if he didnt exist. It wasn’t until her late teens and early twenties did it even occur to me that she had inherited personality traits from him. It explains a lot. It is as if I had forgotten him. But the things she was doing and saying were inconceivable to me. And just like him. It is like twenty thirty years later I came into touch again with experiences I’d had with him that I had buried. I know this sounds messy but it’s because it is. My beloved daughter is the lesson I cannot ignore or rationalize or excuse or escape. I have not reached gratitude by any means but I know why she came to me. And I see so much now. Even what I told her about my weaknesses. As if they weren’t clear to her being in close proximity all her life. It was like living with the enemy even when she was just a child. It sure felt like she used what she knew about me to hurt me. At the time I thought it was within the parameters of normal kid behavior. The therapists finally called it ODD. I know now it was her. And I know now it was me. I’m discarded now, and mostly maintain no contact. She is in her thirties now and I must focus on me and my healing and my life. I feel like a cautionary tale. The modules help. Courage to use them.
Hi Autuum,
What a huge journey you have been on Dear Lady.
It is so your time to heal.
Are you in the NARP Forum so that we can help support you and help partner you in your healing?
http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/member
You don’t have to do this alone Autuum, we are here for you.
Sending blessings and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
BOUNDARY BEAST!
BOUNDARY BEAST!
Boundary beast! 💪🏼
Boundary beast!
I made a huge breakthrough this weekend. And it all had to do with stepping up and being Me. So many minions “attacking” me. No, they were prodding me. Making me look at my reflection and forcing me to see Me, acknowledge Me and introducing Me. So many years I have “self identified” with the N or my children (“X’s mom”). This weekend, I stepped up and introduced Me. It was wonderful.
Thank you, Mel. <3
Namaste
This is so wonderful Nicole,
What a powerful breakthrough!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
“Boundary Beast”
Boundary beast!
Hi Melanie,
I wrote earlier saying how much this article has helped me and is fantastic. I’ve been working hard for 3 years (after being discarded) to heal. I have no trouble with my ex narc. I went 100% no contact and have no idea where he’s even living. The problem I have now is in my apt. building. I moved here all friendly and kind and compassionate and discovered 4 women here who prey on new tenants – but only the women. They have lived here for years and somehow seem threatened when someone new arrives. I’ve witnessed this with women who moved in after me and then was told by some women here that they were subjected to a kind of bullying. Oh, it’s only single women they bully. So I avoided these woman and basically stopped talking to them but one of them does a ‘staring’ thing with me. It totally unnerves me. The other women they are bullying have no problem saying something to them but I can’t bring myself to do that. It’s not who I am. The ‘staring’ intimidation is very dramatic. If I drive by this woman, she will swing her head out the window to glare. She does this to me in the hallway, in the parking lot etc. I refuse to get on the elevator with any of these women and she knows this and will run ahead of me to get the elevator – to make me wait. She is 70 years old, by the way, but is wiry and looks to be about 50. I have never encountered this before but it’s been 3 years of this. Today I was walking in the parking lot and heard all sorts of car doors slamming. After the 7th slam, I turned to look and the ‘staring woman’ was standing there, by her car door, glaring at me. It was like she did the slamming routine to get me to look. It is the oddest thing. I just totally ignore her and she is totally disliked in this building but it still bothers me. Any suggestions? I am stronger now but I think she picked up my vulnerability when I first moved in and preys on it. I’m striving to accept that this is ‘who she is’ and let it just ‘go’ but for now it bothers me. Anyhow, thanks for listening.
The “narcissistic stare” n-smirk and n-snear are expressions of extreme disdain reflecting the emanation of sadistic energy. A sadist is someone who feels pleasure when harming others and is a characteristic of malignant narcissists. After not speaking to a narc neighbour for a year, she “snuck up on me” and as I looked up her face contorted into the n-smirk, barely smothering laughing at making me uncomfortable. I froze, felt an explosion in my solar plexus, went into a disassociated state for 2 days and woke up suicidal. Steven Porges (Polyvagel Theory) states that when a person feels their life is in imminent danger they freeze rather than fight or flee. This causes the vagus nerve to send contradictory messages to different parts of the body causing immobilization. He states “20% of mammals” will die from such an experience. Anthropologists have documentation of horses being killed by certain people ‘staring’ at them. ( I saw a video of this). Talismans to protect against “the evil eye” are used in many countries to this day. My perception is that sadism creates such an incoherent state in a target person’s energy field, (empaths particularly), that it causes the person to feel dis-integrated leading to desperate action such as suicide. I lost a friend to this. After explaining this experience to the psychiatrist I started seeing, he told me he thought my life was in danger and to get out ASAP. We moved away for awhile but must return to sell the house. I have done a great deal of work to heal, (including many hours of NARP), my energy is completely different and I no longer experience cognitive dissonance. However, I believe the threat is real. Her husband demonstrated symptoms of “narcissistic victim syndrome” for several years. He died. Her daughter has attempted suicide. I’ve contacted the police 5 times as well as seven other civic agencies and three Provincial Ministers asking for the creation of a Psychological Abuse Advisory Committee. I’ve been ignored or dismissed. You can’t take a person to court for looking at you. We live in a society that discounts the experience of empaths. But I believe “looks” (specifically the emanation of sadistic energy), can kill. Because I can’t ensure no contact, I have to move. Personally, I think you’re in danger.
Thank you, CG, for your reply. I appreciate it. Wow – your neighbor sounds horrible. And to sneak up on you – wow! Yes, this woman would be a sadist – never thought of it like that before. She definitely thrives on hurting others. The owners want her – and the other crazies here – out, but it’s difficult to do when they pay their rent on time. All of them have been given notices by the owners that if they continue acting like this, they will be taken to court. The other ones I just ignore – hard to do because I’m a friendly person by nature – but I totally walk by them and ignore them and have no problem with this. But the ‘starer’ is in a league of her own. She’s a sophisticated bully/sadist and hurts people in many, many ways. One way, is that she will befriend you, then drop you without a moment’s notice. One woman here used to walk with her every day, then – bam – she stopped walking – no explanation. One time I was across the road at a park with my dog and this lady arrived with her dog. I looked over and she screamed, “What are staring at, you dumb b—h.” And if she is on the porch of the building and sees me enter and waiting at the elevator, she moves 90 mph – fast as lightning – and enters before me, knowing I will have to wait. I take ‘dog classes’ with my dog and my trainer is constantly telling off a lady there to stop having her dog stare at others – it’s setting the other dogs up to bark for it’s confrontational. But this lady’s staring is pretty unreal. Sometimes when I’ve passed her in the hall, I stare right back. Occasionally I want to blow her a kiss or simply say, ‘I pray for you every day.’ She’s pretty careful though. She’s lived here over 30 years and knows that people have been told to report her if she is rude, and she could be kicked out. Yesterday blew me away. To hear all that banging of doors – 7 bangs in total – so I turn around and she is doing the ‘staring’ thing. I do look for another place but I live in a small town and I’m in the only building that takes pets. When I look at her, I see a sad, pathetic person. Thanks for your insight. It means a lot and all the best with your situation. They are sadists for sure. Thank you.
Sue
Depending on where you live it may be possible for the landlord to not renew this woman’s lease.
Where I live it is the landlord’s right to not renew a lease AND they do not even have to give that person a reason (although they usually make something up like – we are renovating apartments etc and not renewing leases).
She is clearly disrupting the “quiet, peaceful enjoyment” of the other tenants in the building.
BOUNDARY BEAST!!!!
Boundary Beast!!!!!!!
Hello my name is Tracey. I have just signed up to this site as I have been in a narcissistic relationship.i finish it about 6 months ago and now it has hit me like a ton of bricks.
Half the time I think I am going mad, can’t seem to fac function like I used to,
I am a little better than what I was but am really really struggling .
With the NO CONTACT I know this is the best thing to do. And I am on my second day,,
Please please could you give me any advice
Hi Tracey,
You poor thing my heart goes out to you.
It is awful the terrible feeling of aftershock, addiction to the narcissist and struggling to hold No Contact.
Tracey the best way through this time is to turn inwards and fully devote to being there for you with the structured inner work.
This helps to settle the feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and addiction as well as the terrifying feelings of survival programs in our emotions that are triggered when in No Contact.
Please know how many of us went through this!
The most powerful tool is my NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and to learn more about it and what it can do for you my free workshop grants this: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
As a NARP member you have access to the NARP Forum where you get incredible support regarding your recovery from myself, and skilled moderators, who have all done this journey before you
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this information helps and I’m sending you strength, healing and breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
BoUnDrY BeAsTs !!!!
Man I started my journey 7 years ago, I went no contact , a narc mom and damaged family from all her abuse to my Dad and 5 siblings. I had no idea there was a real name for this. After 7 years I was stuck not making any real progress and had been seriously believing that this is where I would remain till the end. But not any more, Your videos and writings have opened up my world and it feels good to know that I am no longer alone and I truly understand and know how to heal. I am so grateful and feeling good inside. Val
BoUnDrY BeAsT !!!
Man I started my journey 7 years ago, I went no contact , a narc mom and damaged family from all her abuse to my Dad and 5 siblings. I had no idea there was a real name for this. After 7 years I was stuck not making any real progress and had been seriously believing that this is where I would remain till the end. But not any more, Your videos and writings have opened up my world and it feels good to know that I am no longer alone and I truly understand and know how to heal. I am so grateful and feeling good inside. Val
BOUNDRY BEAST!!! Thank you Melanie!
It’s my pleasure Horizon,
many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, I have a family member who has smeared me to another family member and now the two of them are trying to wreak havoc on my life. It’s all been a lot to try to process, it’s impossible to understand, or to make any sense of. This narcissist has rewritten history, is in full blown victim mode, has the other family member feeling sorry for them, siding with them and taking me to task for the things the narcissist is accusing me of. This narcissist seems to have forgotten that I know the truth! I initially tried to tell them the truth, set the record straight, but quickly realized, they weren’t interested in the truth, they were Hell bent on getting even, making me pay. I realized I was inadvertantly feeding them supply, by being so distraught over the entire situation, and letting it consume me…for at least 3 years I tried to figure this out and make some sense of it….it was literally killing me! The narcissist would get this smug grin on their face, that took everything I had, not to claw off! It was infuriating! They thoroughly enjoyed watching me suffer, all the while never telling me what the issue was! Fast forward to today, and working through my traumas, gaps, weak spots and false messages I’ve told myself since childhood, now…no matter what they throw at me, I no longer care, or try to defend myself, they can believe whatever they want, smear me to whomever they want. It just doesn’t matter, I feel nothing…I’ve become immune to them attempting to hurt me, on any level! Without any explanation whatsoever on my part, I’ve cut them both out of my life! Now the stress from trying to figure this out, tip toeing/walking on egg shells around them, or trying to please them, is completely gone…I no longer care what they think, why they are doing this, just that the reality is, they are. I won’t be participating, reacting or giving them the time of day, nor feeding them any supply or ammunition! Anyone else they recruit as flying monkey’s, will be met with the same fate. Since making myself a priority and knowing my worth, my health and self esteem is vastly improving. I’m sad for them that they have to be like this, and that this was the only, yet necessary way to reclaim/save myself, my life and my happiness. It is what it is, and I let them go with peace, love and wish them the best, but also realize they can no longer have any part in my life….peace at last!
Hi Bree,
I love that you have let go and are looking after you!
Bravo!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Boundary Beast! 😄😄