It’s really hard to be a strong boundary setter when you’ve always been the one to keep the peace to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or engaging in confrontation.
I know that in the past, when something felt intrusive, violating or off, I often handed my power away by thinking others were more of an authority than I was. Or, by pretending that whatever was making me uncomfortable wasn’t a big deal. Truth is, I didn’t trust myself but rather trusted them instead.
When I did that with the toxic narcissists in my life, I paid a terrible price because I was simply too terrified to speak up for myself. You might be experiencing this yourself, especially if you’re a caring and loving empath, like I am.
In my latest Thriver TV episode, I will teach you how to set clear and powerful boundaries so you can remove all narcissists from your life forever. Once you become a boundary boss you’ll be the authentic and empowered person you long to be.
Video Transcript
Today I’m going to talk to you if you are an empath, a person who cares, a person who feels other people’s energy and who wants to love and help others.
How do you set powerful boundaries as an empath? How do you become a boundary boss?
So, let’s have a look at the difficulty that empaths have setting boundaries.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
What are the issues that you face as an empath when you’re trying to set boundaries?
Commonly, you want to keep the peace. You don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. Maybe you don’t like confrontation. A lot of us don’t.
Much of this can be the conditioning that you had from your parents when you were little. Literally, because when you were a child, if you tried to speak up, if you tried to have rights, you went through things such as being criticized, or maybe even rejected, abandoned or punished. I call these things the fear of C.R.A.P. – criticism, rejection, abandonment, and punishment.
The problem with all of these is if you are not aligned with your values and your truths, if you don’t grow up that way and you know how to stand in them, then you go along with other people’s ideas of life even though it may not be true for you. Maybe their ideas are even unhealthy for you and as we know with narcissists, their ideas can be extremely abusive to you.
Becoming A Boundary Boss
Let’s have a look at becoming a boundary boss. A boundary boss is somebody who listens to their Inner Being and honours themselves through word and deed, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.
As a boundary boss, you’re authentic. You’re being honest with yourself and others. The great thing is, is you can still be a very kind and loving person. In fact, being a boundary boss is not selfish at all. You are more loving because you’re not just telling people what they want to hear to keep the peace, you’re being truthful with them.
Setting boundaries can be done by empaths. It can be done calmly and clearly by letting go of the fears of how other people are going to respond to your boundaries. This is so essential after narcissistic abuse, because then you won’t be handing your power away to abusive people ever again, as a result of trying to keep the peace and avoid the fears of C.R.A.P.
Here’s the truth that we all need to embrace: Not everybody is going to agree with you. Not everybody is going to like you or want to be with you as a result of you setting boundaries. But this is so helpful because when a narcissist can no longer harvest you and suck your energy, Life Force, Soul, and resources dry – you don’t want these people around you.
What you will get to understand is that by setting healthy boundaries, the people who don’t have the resources to be honest and respectful and care for others, won’t want to be around you. And that’s fantastic.
Here’s another really important thing to understand. You may have believed that people are going to treat you how you treat them. That’s a false premise. It’s not true.
People will treat you in line with how you treat and respect yourself. Whatever you allow is going to be in your life.
Are Boundaries Possible When You Never Learned Them?
Now, a lot of people ask this question … a lot. Are boundaries possible when you’ve never learned them, when they weren’t modelled to you?
So how do you become a boundary boss when you’ve never known how to set boundaries? There’s a really big essential shift to take your power and your truths and your values back – it’s a shift from thinking, “How do I have to be to make you happy so that you’ll love me?” To, “What do I need to do to listen to my Inner Being and honour and respect myself?” This means you move into your body, listening to your gut. That’s your GPS, that’s your Soul Truth.
If something feels intrusive, violating or off, rather than looking outside of yourself to other people and handing your power away and talking yourself out of your GPS, with thinking such things as, “No, they are more of an authority than I am.” “No, it’s not a big deal. I can’t trust myself. I’d rather trust them.” “I’m not going to say anything. I’ll just go along and see. There’s nothing wrong here.”
We know that when we did that in the past with narcissists, we paid a terrible price, because our gut was right. So instead of talking ourselves out of things and looking to the outside for our answers, we honour ourselves and we know it’s time to speak up.
Maybe you need to say, “No, I’m not comfortable with that.” Maybe you need to ask questions, ask for clarification, do your own research, speak your truth even if it is an opposing view.
As a boundary boss, you know that you are setting the standard of honesty, truth, and care for yourself rather than waiting for other people to grant you yourself. You start to understand that transparency and decency and diligence to the truth are easy and normal for people with great characters.
Decent people appreciate and have respect for people who respect themselves, who question things, who want answers, and who don’t make fast hasty and rash decisions without doing their own due diligence, such as letting people into their bed, life, heart, bodies and businesses without essential questioning and research and looking for their own facts.
It’s rash, non-caring, narcissistic or severely needy people who are going to get upset with you, respecting yourself and seeking your own answers and saying, “No, I’m not comfortable with that. This is what I need to look into. This is what I need to understand. This is what I need to ask.”
It is only narcissistic, needy, rash people or people with an agenda who are not going to appreciate you being a boundary beast. This is great because they out themselves, they don’t respect your boundary. They’re going to want to try to guilt, confuse, shame, threaten you, smear you out of your boundaries, or they do defense mechanisms giving evasive answers that don’t make sense. They change the goal posts. They come up with diversion tactics and cover ups when you ask for transparency and answers to your questions. It still feels off and wrong in your body and you get your answer.
The wonderful thing about being a boundary beast is all you have to do is listen to your Inner Being, be honest, speak up calmly and solidly, and be yourself. Be willing to risk uncomfortableness because it is so much better to risk your uncomfortableness with other people than to put yourself into dire situations that are not only going to be uncomfortable, they’re going to be devastating.
As a boundary beast, everything that is honest and wholesome and truthful and caring, that can nourish and flourish you, will step up to meet you, or it’s going to expose itself as not being on your vibration of truth and authenticity.
3 Quick Tips To Help You Set Boundaries
I want to give you three quick tips that are going to help you set boundaries.
- When you feel triggered and when something feels wrong or violating or even abusive, breathe deeply and really come in your own body and say to yourself, “I bless and accept this feeling.” When you’re feeling something confusing, violating, intrusive or wrong, that is going to put you in your body and in contact and partnership with yourself.
- Then ask yourself, “What is my truth about this?” And you mightn’t get the whole truth, but your truth may be, “I need to express myself. I need to do something. I need to pull away. I need to look into this more. I need to honour me.” You’ll know if you listen, you’ll get the next step.
- Speaking up or taking action. This is about taking your power back. This is done with “I” statements. So it’s not like, “Well, you have no right to say that or do that or whatever.” It’s an “I” statement, which is very hard to argue with for other people. So it’s like, “This is what I will accept. This is what I won’t accept. I don’t feel comfortable with that. My answer is no.” Keep your response simple, clear, and calm. Less is best. This is not about lecturing and prescribing to the other person or explaining or justifying yourself. This is about you standing in the right to honour yourself.
How To Become An Empowered Self
Now there’s a lot more to boundaries, but there you have three quick, simple tips that can help you take your power back.
So how do you become an Empowered Self? There’s a lot to this and it is life-changing when you get it right.
I hope that today has helped give you tips, but of course it can take a lot of inner work as it did with myself and so many of us to move out of the fears and the inner traumas usually developed in childhood as well as abusive relationships, that have made it very hard for us to stand up for ourselves. Because when we did, we got smashed and we absolutely felt like broken individuals that weren’t getting anywhere with our boundaries. So there’s a bit of a shift and inner work to do with that stuff.
If you know that this is an area of your life that you really need to look at and become safe and empowered with, I highly recommend checking out my Empowered Self Course. It’s got three full chapters on setting boundaries as well as very powerful Quanta Freedom Healings that are specific that will take you from zero to hero in your boundary setting journey.
This is all the stuff that I needed to learn to move from having no boundaries to becoming a Thriver boundary beast. You can check out this course in the link that appears and also in the show notes.
In Conclusion
I hope today has given you permission to have a look at your boundaries and take your power back and honour you and know it’s not selfish at all. It’s about being an actualized, honest, empowered, authentic, loving being, because you’re being truthful. Then you’re going to be able to serve yourself, life, and others in the most honourable ways.
I’d love to hear if you relate to this, how you’re going in your boundary journey, and what know you need to heal and improve on.
This is so timely, Mel! I have to share a revelation I had today while thinking about my current situation (plan to leave, still haven’t because I was worried about all things outside of me and my boundaries and personal power). As I was driving home I passed a church, sneered a bit at the cross and thought “ha, thanks for the help I keep asking for!” And in my soul I heard a voice tell me I didn’t need anyone’s help because I have all the answers inside me. And the next thought was “just leave, you’re not chained or imprisoned in any way. You’re a feel person, so you do what you want.”
How does this tie to boundaries? I’ve been looking outside myself for all the answers, all the help, all the support, for someone or something else to change my situation for me…because I didn’t have any boundaries that told me “you’re allowed/entitled/worthy”!
Thank you, Mel, for all you do. I’m patient, but planning my exit. And when I do, I now know that my boundary of “no thanks, this does NOT work for ME anymore” is what will be driving me!
Oops, that should be “FREE” person! 😁
Thank you Mel. Thinking of everyone in Australia who is facing narcissistic abuse on a systemic level at the moment. Keep those boundaries strong and keep rising above it.
Amen, Suz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was wondering if anyone else could see the parallels between what these tyrants are doing to the world’s citizens and narcissistic abuse.
Thank God I discovered NARP years ago, so it’s obvious to me what is happening, but I will stand firm in my boundaries and won’t be gaslit, bullied, threatened, coerced, etc. into straying away from MY TRUTH and what is right for me and my body!
Thank you darling Suz!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I read so many of your articles and identity with them all. This one in particular strikes a chord, and is so relevant for me at this point in my life. I desperately attempted a boundary of ‘no contact’ for the end of last month, yet I was unable to adhere it it. Part of my issue was informing him of this, and then becoming overwhelmed with my own fears of complete abandonment (although he has emotionally abandoned me years ago). Having children makes this even harder for me as I know this is my ‘weakness’. I truly hope for peace and being able to finally respect my self enough to stay true to my own boundaries. Thank you for all your wisdom
Hi Kat,
I so hope that this has helped bring you clarity and strength.
Much love to you and your children.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Ok, So thank you Melanie for another great article.
I hope I will be able to continue posting, as my narcissist is not only a smear campaign expert but also a hacker and I have had computer issues for years. Now since I have been on this site and posting, I have had difficulty with posting stuff, but I will persevere!!
I have had major upheavals in my life since I started setting boundaries. My narcissist wants to control my every movement i.e. (what I wear, how I do my hair, what I eat, what I feel, what I think). But I have set boundaries and stated that I am not comfortable with this type of behavior and that my private life is my private life. My narcissist then launched into a smear campaign trying to make everyone believe I am mentally ill. Unfortunately this person is a GOOD manipulator. But I don’t care how manipulative they are, I STILL WILL SET my boundaries and what the narcissists fly into their rages. Since my narcissist is so controlling and has access to me, I do worry for my safety often. Is there a point a which we should just lie to the narcissist and pretend we agree so that they do not harm up physically or harm our loved ones etc…
Hello Mel yes like so many others this is also very relevant to me. Recently heard from a narcissist friend who I have had no contact for over 2 years. I found myself very able to set boundaries and keep my distance. I feel that with your amazing blogs videos etc I have come a long way in all aspects of my life. Thank you very much Mel x
Hi Anna,
it’s my pleasure.
I love that you have come so far!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is such a reminder for me that was needed. I recently dated a guy and it was all AMAZING not too intense and I genuinely thought… wow, he’s here. He went away for 2 weeks and filtered the contact and when I asked about me coming out for the weekend (which he invited me to three times prior may I add)… nothing, nada, tumbleweed and I believe after a week of no contact that I have been ghosted.
I haven’t been able to put into words my theory of scaring men but after watching this, it’s true. Setting boundaries within. Doing the work inside (I still have more to do as I’m still attracting these people) it filters out these characters quickly. They may seem like they can rise to your frequency but time shows a lot and most of these people aren’t getting past the three week mark for me! But I’m thinking that this is a good thing. They basically know that they can’t mess around and I’m too sure for them to play their selfish games.
Thank you Mel I really like how this has become so apparent now… peace and love x
Hi Hazel,
It’s so great this brought you clarity, because then the power, truth and alignment can come back to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I had a similar situation myself with dating & was honest and clear about forming a friendship with trust before any physical relationship. He agreed that he wanted the same but then I started to feel pressured in a nonverbal way to be more physical. I continued listening to my inner voice & kept my boundaries. After a nice dinner/movie date he texted me the next day saying he needed more physically and said some rude comments before ending things with me. I took it as a positive affirmation that I held my boundaries & listened to myself. It showed me who he really was & now I can move forward knowing I trusted myself!
Amazing again Mel, well three years after the discard life is amazing, just away now on my 4th incredible holiday, though living in Western Australia is like being on holidays all the time, I’ve Got my loving family back, a better house in a better town, with new friends and Great neighbours my Peace and Joy have returned and feeling very Loved and Cared for. Yes it’s normal to have that grieving time, but you were right, the love we are looking for is inside us already, So now I love and care and respect myself, and loving this New Normal, Blessings Col.
That’s so great Col!
I’m so happy for you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for this wonderful information! What makes sense to me is establishing “within” my own personal boundaries, creating my own personal “sword and shield”, and not so much creating externally placed boundaries towards another narcissist or abusive person…. in my situation doing that, creating external boundaries, has not worked at all because the narcissist is actually quite obtuse….but boundaries that are more intimate…much more connected to my inner, most precious, thoughts and feelings seem to help…. so that my good thoughts and feelings do not run amuck and in the process I lose part of my real life’s intended purpose…. that is, living in a place of strength and stability where my inner child and me function together in a cohesive and higher level…👨👦
Being “self contained” in that way, when it is possible, I’ve already established boundaries that will work under almost all circumstances whether it is abuse from the narcissist or obsessive identifying with everything external….
That place, that place of inner quiet and inner peace, is where I wish to be!
I may not be describing all of this so well but I know that when this happens for me it is truly a “magical place” to be in…. I believe that this deep and eternal wish of mine will become manifest constantly if I continue to follow your work and NARP faithfully and diligently!..🙏🦋 And we 👨👦 are so grateful!
Thanks so much and sending love to you, Melanie! ❤️🙏🕊🦋❤️
You are so welcome Peter,
as always!
It’s brilliant that you are so open to the information and “teachable”.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for posting. I would like to throw in another point regarding fear of reactions when trying to set boundries; Being laughed at! i often get a surprised laughter in response, in general, I mean, from a variety of people, when expressing my own truths. It comes with a “loving”, patronizing tilt, as in “You’re so funny/cute/original/clever ….”. This throws me off my logical, neutral line of thought and shifts the spirit towards a disarming charming/joking “togetherness”.
However, it still works as negative cohesion, because now I’ll start looking like the disruptive “bad girl” if I insist on holding on to my boundaries. This technique certainly stops the conversation and was regularly used by the narcissist(s) in my life. The fact that it has become a general pattern probably suggests that I have developed a problem of not taking myself seriously, and I have to work on that.
Perhaps this is a form of gaslighting?
Hi I,
truly the breakthrough for you is the healing of you that gets disarmed through this.
So that you can stand in your truth regardless of what others do or don’t do.
Great awareness and sending you love and healing.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is so good it lets me know that I am on the right track for healing. I find myself not cowering down to my abuser instead my voice speaks out againt things which are abusive to me.
I was just guided by my gps to get some Melanie guidance and this is so apropo. Thank you!
I have a woman neighbor who is N and asks for help when she’s away checking on a package or other small tasks when away, something I’m happy to help a neighbor with, unless I”m not available. I set that boundary for the first time last week because I was busy getting ready for my first concert since covid. Not only did she not respect my basic boundary but sent me reactive texts. When I calmly told her the other day (thanks for all my growth in NARP!) I needed to be spoken to in other-than-one-word texts, she sent me a page long email. I let her know I was available to speak in person but would not be reading it. She refused to do that (she wouldn’t be in control!). She responded with several more reactive texts.
Sigh, of course I want to have great relationships with my neighbors but this was a long-overdue boundary setting and it’s great to be learning how to be calm and respectful of my voice and speak up, accepting and embracing my truth and the letting the chips fall as they may, loving my soul shining and bright. I will not dim myself for anyone any longer.