Narcissists fight DIRTY.
In battle with a narcissist, whilst trying to get resolution, sanity or even a scrap of decency, it may seem like all you get is MORE traumatisation.
Narcissists can feel IMPOSSIBLE to defeat.
But … this isn’t the case.
In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to hand you the REAL way to bring a narcissist to justice.
Video Transcript
I’m really hoping that today’s Thriver TV will wake you up, in a good way. In a way that gives you more than just hope. In a way that grants you the True Solution to bringing a narcissist to justice.
This is important because many people believe this is impossible to achieve. But truly it’s not, and after watching this episode I know you will understand how to do this.
In many ways, this video is an extension of my last video, which was about how to protect ourselves as highly sensitive people. This one takes this further by putting an end to a narcissist lining us up – and spinning the tables once and for all.
Today we’ll break this down, one step at a time, leading all the way to the revealing of the number 1 tip regarding bringing a narcissist to justice, which myself and so many other NARP members have achieved … powerfully.
Okay, now before I go any further into the unravelling of this, make sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven’t already, and leave a like if you enjoy this video.
Okay … let’s start, with the first necessary understanding for today.
The Challenges To Overcome To Bring Narcissists To Justice
Many of us struggle or have struggled to bring a narcissist to justice.
The first common stumbling block is that we don’t want to hit people hard and hurt them, it’s not in our nature. Especially someone we wanted to or once deeply loved.
Yet, we need to realise, when dealing with a narcissist, that there is no middle ground. It’s simply stand up in full power, rights and truth, or you WILL be taken down.
The other sticking point is that we have been scared regarding what the retaliation and nasty possibilities will be. However, narcissists are not powerful or even well-armed. They are bullies who use another person’s fear against them. When we aren’t as yet anchored into our power, trusting ourselves and Life to deliver powerful and solid results, we hand our power away with fear. This is where narcissists thrive, able to use this against us to their advantage.
Deeply Investigating How Powerplays Happen with Narcissists
There are many martial artists who know that one of the most effective ways to defeat an opponent is to use an assailant’s energy against them. Steven Seagal in his movies, with Aikido, demonstrated this tactic perfectly
To discover the answer of how to bring a narcissist to justice begins with understanding exactly how they bring us undone. How do narcissists control us and hurt us?
The answer is: they find our weaknesses and exploit them.
Things like struggling to honour ourselves with setting boundaries and limits and not wanting to rock the boat …
And, being able to be manipulated through guilt and over responsibility for others to the detriment of ourselves …
And, being so attached to needing this person to love and approve of us that we continue trying to assert our goodness and loyalty no matter how badly we are being damaged …
Or, being empathetic and compassionate toward someone we should not be continually granting another chance to …
And the list goes on and on.
Narcissists find these gaps, these unhealed parts within us (our unresolved inner wounds not allowing us as yet to honour ourselves healthily) and twist and turn these parts of ourselves to fulfil their agendas.
They play on these parts, belt them or withhold from them, depending on what manipulation tactic will yield the greatest results.
I have talked over and over again (just as I had to firmly realise myself) about the necessity to heal these parts within, to close up the gaps that the narcissist can continue to target, hook us in and keep abusing us with.
It’s only when we find, release and heal these inner parts of ourselves up to being self-honouring adults on the inside, that we no longer are trapped by narcissists.
What Happens When We Close Our Gaps?
It’s so important to understand there is a necessity to be solid on the inside (which NARP can powerfully help you become) before stepping into the ring to take down a narcissist.
As a result of doing the inner work, you have a powerful opportunity to become ‘anti-fear’. Meaning you are continually meeting and uplevelling your triggers on the inside and therefore the narcissist can no longer emotionally trap you and derail you.
Because of not reacting and handing over any emotional attention, you have stopped granting the narcissist narcissistic supply.
So many things start to shift from this place; you can go free of the notion that you need the narcissist to do anything for you to get a positive outcome. Rather, you have started anchoring into your own being to begin generating this reality yourself.
There is no more fruitlessly trying to make deals with them, hoping for them to come around to your way of thinking, and you cease hoping that they can be reached with compassion, fairness or empathy, or start acting like a normal and reasonable human being. Additionally, you are way past any yearning or heartbreak for the person you wish the narcissist could be, and simply see it for the Truth, which is:
Your journey with the narcissist, including this pivotal time, of incredible stress and needing to find and anchor into your True Self and True Power is for this reason –
Fulfilling your soul contract with this person to take your evolution to self-love, self-respect and self-honour. Which includes healing yourself beyond the comfort zones of fear, hiding and shame, to rise into standing fully, calmly and clearly in your rights and truth and openly walking them powerfully.
The 3 Choices in Dealing with Narcissists
It’s important to understand that narcissists in battle do not seek what non-disordered people do. They don’t want resolution and solution so that they can get on with their lives. There is no life for a narcissist without narcissistic supply and with peace and harmony in its place.
They feed and thrive off pain and drama and knowing that they can hurt you and get attention from you. The longer this goes on for, the more the narcissist’s ego receives its vindication.
So here are the three choices for you in order of less preferable to most preferable.
- Try to hang in there waiting for the narcissist to do the right thing … by trying not to rock the boat, giving them what they want, or trying to help them get over it by supporting them in the separation.
All of this just grants the narcissist a feed that energises them to drag it out, to keep you hooked in, and your suffering going.
By using these ‘play it safe’ tactics, you are bypassing your own healing, evolution and uplevelling and continuing to hand your power away. A likely outcome is that you will be locked in stagnation and ongoing battle with the narcissist with no end in sight.
- Capitulate and walk away losing a great deal, if not everything, to the narcissist.
Before I knew how to stand up to narcissists and win against them, this was the choice I took. I let everything go to save my life.
Absolutely it can mean a narcissist loses all physical and practical holds over you (you still have the energetic one to heal yourself from), but it also means that you may have to restart your life possibly from scratch (which is possible – many Thrivers including myself have achieved it).
It’s also important to understand that no matter what you grant the narcissist to appease them or try to do the right thing, ease your own guilt, or finally get them to recognise that you are a good person … according to them, you will always be the villain, smeared to all and sundry, who destroyed their life.
- Stand and deliver your True Self and power.
Without any of the old fears and inner programs that were derailing you, you can completely cut off narcissistic supply and disempower the narcissist, and then hit them at their weakest point (which I will explain to you shortly.)
If you choose number 3 and do it the right way, you could defeat the narcissist quickly and receive more than you thought would be your result.
This happens REALLY because all of life celebrates and rewards powerful soul graduations.
Finding and Exposing the Narcissist’s Gaps.
The absolute number 1 tip to bring a narcissist to justice is finding their weakest point and exposing it.
A narcissist’s weakest point is this:
Lack of integrity.
Narcissists are delusional, entitled and disordered. Their version of reality is not one that the rest of the world accepts as true.
In every narcissist’s behaviour is lies, loose actions based on egoic hubris, false versions and skewered realities.
They leave themselves open to the exposure of this where they drastically lose credibility and power.
Here are some examples:
- By remaining calm and totally factual in any communication electronically, many narcissists will ‘pop’ with horrible replies that expose their sickness.
- A narcissist I once dealt with, lied to authorities regarding not receiving notification from me. I had sent them registered mail that they signed for which exposed that lie. Their case fell apart shortly after this. (The moral to this story is to make every dealing recorded and therefore accountable.)
- Megan, one of my clients, exposed in court how her husband had not contributed to the mortgage or bills for years, which completely short-circuited his lies and overentitled property settlement claim.
I really want you to know, when you have no fear of delivering everything, within your rights that is the truth and fully expose it CALMLY and CLEARLY without being emotionally derailed, then False Selves crumble.
It’s a narcissist’s biggest nightmare, just as it is a vampire when a whopping great light is shone on them.
The Step-by-step Formula
This is the absolute formula to bring a narcissist to justice.
- Heal up your gaps to the level where the narcissist no longer ‘matters’ to you, and the narcissist knows it.
- Treat the narcissist as a non-being, without any emotion whatsoever and stay firmly on the matter at hand.
- If the narcissist still plays games, start legal proceedings powerfully yourself.
- Gather and use every bit of arsenal you have against them, calmly and factually. Don’t diagnose or cite ‘narcissism’, just expose behaviour.
- Let go of your attachment to results and be empowered in the knowing that you are graduating (evolving yourself) to the fearless power of self-love, self-respect and self-honour, regardless of what anyone else isn’t or isn’t doing.
- Continue releasing all traumas and triggers that arise and keep bringing in more of your True Self to replace them, with NARP, so that you stay on course.
If you are prepared to do what it takes to evolve to this level of power and True Self, you will become a force impervious to False Selves. This is the truth that countless Thrivers in the NARP community have achieved.
What happened for most of us is the narcissist capitulated. They let go, grant you what you want and exit the scene. They must – they cannot bear being irrelevant to you, treated like a nobody and exposed as their disordered self.
I know this path is not for the faint-hearted. It’s not something we can attempt from our mind, born from fear, resentment, retaliation or righteousness. If you try to bring a narcissist to justice from an inner emotional resonance of victimisation, you will only receive more victimised results which will traumatise you further.
Your actions must come from a choice of personal evolution and rising into it as your greatest life mission. It can’t be for ANY other reason if it is to be authentic.
There is also the need to see this opportunity, to heal and rise, as a gift and a blessing.
Right there is the most powerful force you can harness.
If you are serious about seeing an end to your holocaust, and if you are bravely ready to stand up and get this done, I will help you.
Today’s the day it can begin, right here by signing up to my free 16-day course, which was the starting point for many NARPers who brought the narcissist to justice. To get started click this link.
And, if you liked this video, click the Like button, and if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. Also share with your communities, so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.
Hello. This post was right on time! I made the mistake of exposing my sociopath spouse too soon. I have custody of our three children and she has been working “out of state” the last two years. After catching her in many lies, I told her I wanted a divorce (oops) to which she agreed the relationship was toxic. I had left my job to go back to school, having her support but I slipped into the discard phase ( I had previously dealt with this 4 yrs ago when I sold my business so that re could relocate the family for her job).
The last two months, she has attempted to have the kids and I evicted from our home to which the lease is solely in her name by paying late in Feb and not paying March at all. The kids visit with her every other weekend and most times, I’m detoxing the kids once they get home. I have a temporary protective order in place as she’s gotten physical with me twice and recently posted a social pic of her at the gun range with a very interesting caption (indirect threat). She missed the court date so I had her served this wknd during her hotel stay with the kids this wknd. I’m hoping our next court date allows for some justice so that the kids and I can focus on our recovery. I know the sociopath is infuriated that I will not back down. I really just want to make sure that I am acting in the best interest of my children and not trying to get even with my spouse. In my state, you must be separated a year and November can’t get here soon enough! My question is, how did you balance doing what’s right, being assertive yet insuring that you didn’t tart reacting out of vengeance?
Hi KN,
This truly is such a great question.
The way to know is that we keep letting go of these feelings and traumas so that it becomes not about getting even, rather just powerfully walking out truth and rights.
That’s what the intention and motivation needs to be.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, new NARPer here. This is sooo timely for me. I am in a total stalemate with my narc due to legal issues with him violating or attempting to violate our Custody Order. I’ve offered many scenarios to come to resolution and nothing has worked. Neither one of us wants to go to court bc it costs lots of money and we’ve already spent several thousands just to be nowhere. Where do I go from here? Spend the money for justice or seal my gaps and hope the narc exits the scene? I believe he knows I have a good case based on documentation but he won’t but budge. Also I’ve heard the judge could go either way as he is unpredictable. Anyway, my anxiety over this has been through the roof and I’m desperately trying to wrangle it through the modules. Very hard to move the toxic ball of anxiety out of my chest. Please advise. P.S. So far I love the NARP program and truly believe this will work for me.
Hi Darling,
Lovely to meet you here!
I would highly suggest keeping at releasing the trauma first, because really the feeling of ‘this will all unfold’ proceeds the ‘event’.
Without knowing more about your dilemma, it is hard for me to say – and that 2 way conversation can’t really happen here on this public blog.
My highest suggestion for you is to reach out in the NARP Forum where we can support and guide you much more deeply.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have and am still suffering the aftermath of ending it with a narc. i too yourv6 week course and thriving is my goal. he’s now suing me for money which he says i owe after 9600 in damages and stolen property..he has a new supply yet wont leave me alone, violated restraining order 9 times..police do nothing…justice is for me to stand firm in my truth.
Good morning, my question is for my niece. She has 5 children the 2 youngest of which are his. She is in the middle of a divorce with the world’s worst Nar. He never held a job, owes more than 60 thousand dollars in prior child support with his ex. Threatened her and still to this day continues too. Cheayed on her so many times. He is posting social media videos belittling her and her whole family, he gets his 5 yr old daughter on video making her lie about what her mom is doing away from him. All children are terrified of him. He has broken his TPO so many times and my niece has taken him to court over the violations and he has gotten away with it. On the videos he says things like where is has been going and what she is doing and alot of stuff, says he has eyes everywhere. Now she is so scared that this is true. Like he made a deal with the devil, she says. He is terrorizing her and the courts arent doing anything. She takes everything to her lawyer that he videos or posts and recorded phone calls he leaves her. But nothing is getting done. We are just hoping the lawyer is holding onto all this info to unload at the divorce and child custody hearing, which he says he will win. My question is this. How van a person go through all of this that my niece is going through and remain blank and not give him power when your babies are involved? Thank you.. Very Concerned Aunt. Please email me the reply if possible. Thank you
She must do the Narp program. Only she can help herself to become empowered in her own truth. Its about her evolving right out of narc drama. Many free resources by Mel on FB and Y T and free Masterclass to sign up for on Oct 16. She will grow beyond her own expectations. NARP truly is life changing. She will find the answers as she works tge program. Truly brilliant healing work. This work changed my life.
So true. Every time that I considered an email or a text and realized that it did not come from a place of power in that I was still attached to the outcome of vindicating, then I decided not to send it. Soon enough, I was sending no emails and making to no calls to him. Soon enough also, I realized how little I actually needed to communicate with him and how much I thought I needed to in the past. At first, he amped up and made things worse for me. But when he did this, from my new perspective of personal power, I realized that it was because of his own fear and loss of control. When I sidestepped that as well, he pretty much just tucked his tail and went away. He sensed my power. It was such a freeing transformation for me and healed so many of my past wounds and ironically, I am grateful for the experience.
Hi April,
It is so true that the inner transformation is key! Well done!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I did the NARP program for 4 months religiously before actually leaving the narcissist while he was on a hiking trip. I cried and wailed many many hours while upleveling emotions I had carried for decades.
I did what you described so well. I filed the divorce and took care of all details while keeping all communication strictly non-emotional with him.
The divorce was final in two months!! This included dividing properties. I knew I had to be willing to go fast and let go of what would be ‘fair’.
I went no contact a few weeks after the divorce. But I still had severe aftershock which I did not expect.
Spring has sprung here in the USA and I am feeling the budding of new possibilities.
Thank you for your insight and wisdom!!!!
Hi Susanne,
This is brilliant that you took this path and got your result so quickly!
That is the powerful combination, letting go of and uplevelling inner wounds whilst simultaneously walking a straight unemotional powerful line.
So happy for you that you are up and out the other side and feeling positive Susanne.
Sending continual blessings and expansion to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My dearest Melanie,
But for you and your program, I never would have understood who I was dealing with day to day. My only regret is this information was not available to me earlier. I am so thankful you are now here to help others with recovery from narcissitic abuse.
Today, for the first time I have responded properly to the rhetoric of a narcisttist. He was not able to push the buttons of yesteryear to revoke a response that normally would have made me sick for days. I feel I have healed.
This video could not have been more timely. I pray people will listen to this very important message and join your program. It truly saves lives.
Hi Catherine,
It’s so great that you in this place now and are standing impervious to the ridiculousness that narcissism is.
Bless you for helping inspire others.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My dearest Melanie,
But for you and your program, I never would have understood who I was dealing with day to day. My only regret is this information was not available to me earlier. I am so thankful you are now here to help others with recovery from narcissitic abuse.
Today, for the first time I have responded properly to the rhetoric of a narcisttist. He was not able to push the buttons of yesteryear to revoke a response that normally would have made me sick for days. I feel I have healed.
This video could not have been more timely. I pray people will listen to this very important message and join.
Thank you so much for this Melanie! Perfect timing. I feel like it’s written exactly for my situation. I have a court hearing in a couple days with my ex. We have court proceedings monthly. Seeing him during pickups and drop offs in the weekends have been jarring. Multiple emails and legal documents weekly via our lawyers. A 10-day trial next year and on and on.
I have been feeling despair mixed in with hope. I can feel and understand that I have to go through this trial-by-fire. All my feats are right here, right now, in my face. I have nowhere to go but face them.
I’m so grateful for your words of encouragement. Knowing that you and others have survived the onslaught, gives me hope and a new horizon to shoot for.
Hi WB,
That’s great this was timely for you!
That is so great you are going to meet your fears and walk through the fire.
That is where the truth alchemy and release into your True Life happens.
I’m so pleased myself and Thrivers can encourage you. You’ve got this!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel
Given the subject of today’s Narp episode, I reflect, second guess, check my list, search my brain wondering whether I’ve “done it right”, or missed a step.
Ok, so, I have had no contact with my narc after leaving him in May 2018. My attorney handled my end of the divorce through the summer; securing arrangements for narc-spouse to refinance our house of 14 years to get my name off it, to buy me out, and return my investment in the house. Narc had 90 days to accomplish this, so by Thanksgiving 2018 I got confirmation the refinance had been done and was offered a lump sum amounting to my investment, and 1/2 of the equity in the house minus certain improvements. His lawyer was “ready to write a check” that day. However, I countered thru my attorney, agreeing to reasonable considerations, but refusing to pay 1/2 of new carpeting he put in since I left, refusing to pay half of high end dishwasher he put in since I left, and refusing to pay him 1/2 for the for the pricey engagement ring he had gifted me 16 years ago (he can have the ring and credit me).
Have not heard anything since the counter-offer (4 months), have not heard from my attorney since the counter at Thanksgiving even though I have contacted her bi-monthly concerning the disposition of the case. Trying to be patient with the process but this is getting absurd. I have trusted her to do what she has been hired to do. In the last several weeks I have intended to ‘let go’ of worrying, letting the process take it’s course, I have stayed “no-contact” with narc; I could be a poster child for “no-contact”.
My question is this, ‘what now’? I’m doing my part but the wheels have ground to a halt. My lawyer is mute; on whether she needs more money to finish up the case, if she has heard from the other lawyer at all, whether she needs anything from me. I get only crickets in response to contacts (voicemails, texts) to her. The exception was a February text answer to me from her indicating she was in court that day but would look into to it the next day but no response otherwise.
Melanie, am i missing anything?
Hi Lorinda,
I just really feel that you need her answer regarding what is happening.
Can you go to her office, or contact the law institute.
She has a duty of care, with you as her client to respond.
Personally st this point I would do all that is required to gain her response and then guage the next move.
Is there a block within you regarding holding her accountable? Has it been familiar in your past to be ignored or overlooked? Is it familiar in your history to feel unsupported or let down?
This could be a pattern coming up for healing, which if you do so, will help a lot in getting things moving again.
I hope something that I’ve written here can help you.
Sending you blessings and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Lorrinda,
I have some similar issues with my ‘last’ attorney. I worked with her for a year and half never really resolving much, not to say the narcissist husband helped either, but I soon found out this attorney was a narcissist as well. She didn’t listen to me, didin’t return answers to emails, was late returning phone calls, and even took a two week vacation out of the country once without telling me when we were to be in a proposal negotiation with the other side. I wanted to fire her so many times, but was told by my coach and friends I couldn’t let her go, because we were so far into the d already and she knew all of it. I was livid having to fight with her many times for what I wanted and needed while she discarded my needs as important often. She took me for $62K, which did include much work I had to submit of proof of what my husband was hiding and stealing, but she also dragged it out and delayed answers. Finally, the skies opened up and her firm disbanded. I then took it upon myself to part ways with her. I won’t tell you all that happened there, but it was very typical of a way a narcissist handles being left… In hind sight I realized she never had any interest in really solving my case, as she was always being pulled out to handle other partners cases and mine got left sitting for months on end… (I’m not exagerrrating either.) She just wanted the money. I am presently asking my next atty to petition the husband pay for much of my atty fees to her as they are really his bills for his work I had to do. He never complied, lied, hid monies and side jobs, and never talked to his atty., so he wouldn’t have to pay her, which he told her… If you don’t get answers asap from your atty., I would do what Melanie said. Tell your atty. you need answers now, or you will go over her head. They don’t like it, but they are legally obligated to take care of you. If that doesn’t work, go to the bar and report her. Then find yourself another, much better attorney. Stand up for your rights!
Rose,
I SO appreciate your words of validation and a window into your journey. The uncanny piece is that she (this attorney) had been available, on point, and appropriate at every turn for me. Then, as I look back, poof, vanished! How else would God, uthe Universe get my attention! But this got my attention, I’m seeing her as an A.I.D.; otherwise I would have missed this opportunity to heal.
As Melanie suggested I am due for a healing concerning holding others accountable, feeling unsupported, let down, ignored, feeling overlooked.
Lorinda
My first question is there a caviat on the property so he cannot sell it, make the money disappear and not pay you? I’d be hounding the lawyer to get this back to court, or be changing to a lawyer who is going to act in a more timely matter that gives you the outcome you want.
Kristie,
My thoughts exactly, so there is a lien on the house at the courthouse even though there is much documentation about the purchase of the house, arrangements in narc’s estate paperwork that favor me and my investment. But a property lien doesn’t pay bills 😀
I’m retired and have my own pension but the real property representing a working lifetime is my retirement as well.
My intent this week is to make contact DAILY with attorney; respectfully, calmly, professionally, without malice.
Thanks Kristie for sharing your wisdom and thoughts!
I have a 3 1/2 yr old son with a malignant narsist Who also displays sociopathic tendencies
Our child has been since Age 1 Making Very clear statements of sexual abuse from his Dad
At the age 2 his brother 3 1/2 yrs older than
Our mutual child Started sexually abusing Our son.
It has been on going since after the sexual reports
Made he hired an attorney that is called a killer in the courtroom. I went from having sole legal sole custody Given by the father to Now I have less time
All I asked for was supervissd visits that there would be no hear say yet No I cried when I was told Not to breather hard as I begin to have anxiety listening to the lies and A judge tell me it only happened Obed deal with it yourself Get counseling well I have a counselor I’ve had One Who happened to start the mediator program out here in Humboldt worked 25 yrs so She’s aware of what I am facing is absolutely an injustice No doubt about it
My ex attorney She’s unethical completely deceitful
She is known to legally bully with no remorse in collecting money for fictions fabricated paper trail
In order to favor her client she has absolutely No intention What’s so ever to defend what’s true or Essential for the children’s safe care
Now involved In a set up where you undergo
mental evaluations as a tactic to harass and weaken the opposing party, even if there’s no evidence of a phsycosis, I have been forced to start over in life in every way, That’s Not enough Ive done two mental Evaluations that come out clear of any need for mental treatment. I live in Humboldt county
It is a hell to live here. This is a place known to have highest rates of child abuse and domestic violence
As well as Del Norte county. I attend court so often It has become impossible to start over and get or keep a job, with the Longest gap to return to court being
1 1/2 months for the holidays only to return to every other week 2 or 3 times a months Court dates
all in which I am being legally abused not only by the father judge and attorney finally I was told by who did the mental evaluation your being discriminated against Your best bet is taking this outside this county I am Now thinking of getting the news involved I am a spiritual woman And a Very passionate advocate Yet None Of it takes away How My precious Boy returns With a rage he looks so out of himself so regressed urinating Or defecating himself only before & after his visits Yet he’s been fully Potty trained before turning 2 yrs. I am Reading And learning and growing yes
That doesn’t take away The anger while
I lack of Support No one has been able to handle what I am forced to fight against Nor has quite understood the detriment to our safety, I know what’s next is I get killed. I will NOT be an easy target
I may have opened my heart To be in Love
All meanwhile an entrapment was being set out in order to have me a mean Web of lies And all the horrendous torturous things he did and is now legally allowed to do against Us all. Can you contact me directly Mrs. Evans If so please provide me a link to send my personal 411 too
May No one he grieved my deluded present experience. Peace and Love
Sending healing thoughts
I realize that expressing this In writing publicly is very painful and absolutely difficult for me
To any who read what I posted I realize a lot of errors due to Auto incorrect. Oops I get so frustrated expressing the Traumatic reality I am legally forced into, I do self represent myself after having a male attorney That turns out to have clinical depression and suacidal tendencies demand sex from me
When I said I want nothing to do with you he said he wants to kill himself, there after he started using things in my file from my ex against me
Saying I should be happy the judge did me a favor taking my child away from me I’ll have more time to dedicate to taking care of his needs I owe him
Then A woman attorney that he talked to without my knowledge then I met her and she then took my case just when I thought a Blessing finally
only to pretend she’ll do what she never cared too using The male attorney as reason she wanted nothing to do with me as She quit on my hearing I rescheduled them Inwas alone and the judge went as far as to ask me if I was having sex with the male attorney. I exclaimed disgusting!!!
I couldn’t believe In My child’s hearing They Don’t take any evidence coming from non biased people such as pediatric or psychiatric reports instead they took his best friend and step mom who happened to
Be as judge mentioned some type of friends of the judge when they were young hmmm
and my ex personal pictures That had no relevancy to safe care or assurance of safety or proper health care of our child yet he Won. The combination of it all
I almost lost all custody I am constantly threatened even without cause by that judge he allows that attorney to do what I haven’t even yet learned I can do to properly respond to diligently advocate for my Angel boy. Humboldt county has it’s own agenda Justice simply isn’t allowed here
It’s a very clicky place and By the time it gets to another county everything relevant is hidden
The day isn’t long enough for me I seek to educate myself constantly I have taken accountability of all
Things In my subconscious such as fears and childhood trauma
I am so frustrated I don’t wish anyone to suffer as I do However All I read I can only get bits of a tiny piece of what I can actually benefit how advocate
A criminal Who rapes a child has an immediate appointed attorney if they cannot afford one yet the most vulnerable species a child hasn’t that same right unless The judge decides tooallow your child have a proper legal representation If You cannot afford an attorney Humboldt is filled with corrupted attorneys and I don’t need one that lies or exaggerates for me simply one who Will join my petition to advocate for safe care in truth and Honoring justice For goodness sakes I am seeking hope in every place when no one has given a single care or concern This is What’s truly insane I am fighting the good fight clean and pure hearted For what It is My beloved innocent child who’s innocence they look to rip apart from him
I will NOT stop until my children are exonerated and Divine Justice is there Victory. In the mean time I am beyond devastated exhausted to the core
Hi Olivia,
Myself and this entire community hearts go out to you and your dear boy.
Olivia I am putting you directly in contact with my support team so that they can assist you.
Please look out for an email from one of my lovely staff.
We will do what we can to help.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I admire you for sharing your experience and Helping so many With very useful And detailed information on how to address dealings with a narcissist. To all you brave courageous beings Who are also very willing to seek support and be supportive unto others in this community of Loving souls that know what it is like to deal with a toxic identity less person Bless you whole
Thank you for your response and support for my children and I. Through this very difficult time
To all the community please consider to join my petition to advocate for all children equally as they Deserve safe care and a healthy support that doesn’t hinder there precious innocence.
ABBA God creator of all existence Guide Us Through In Truth Ease Love and Light Right into abundant health and Joy Through Jesus Christ I petition for all who are being discriminated against abused When in need of legal support, you receive it As needed for you to Divine Justice There be NO one who diminishes or disguises Any evidence May the process Not be a hindrance Instead a Blessing for you through and through
Sending healing thoughts to all Amen 🙏🏽
This is a long email and my first blog ever. I found your website last year and gave it to my daughter lady year.
I am a grandmother of 75 from uk staying with my daughter and 2 lovely grandsons ages 6 and 4.
My husband and I have spent 15 months out of 24 months in a small skiing village in the Rockies BC Canada.
We have done our homework and entered that black world of the narcissist. My daughter is strong!
She threw him out in January 2017 after his coercive abuse, no bruises, no scars. After a 10 yr marriage. He left and made her life hell trying to get custody of the kids. He had never interested himself in the home with the kids but had favoured the elder child teaching him sports and this boy anxious to please Daddy became very proficient. She fought him until 12 th Feb 2019 when the judge said he could have unsupervised visits. He had a biking accident in Oct 2018 and he broke his neck for the second time in 3 years. His mother came to stay with him from Oct to Feb 19 this year. The weekend after that he had the children overnight for the first time. We then had reports from the school that both boys were behaving badly( on different days) and could we collect them. Over Xmas 2018 when they were visiting him in a house his parents bought the children were the worst behaved we have ever seen. The elder one had nightmares, regression, abused his mother, angry…………..
Some of this behaviour repeated itself the week after their father had them to stay. On the following Saturday the older one took my daughters phone and tried to take photos of his private parts. There were other things said. My daughter went to her counsellor and the counsellor said that if she did not report this to Social Services then she would do so. My daughter reported it on the Monday. The police were informed and the children interviewed on the Friday. Neither of the children revealed anything. Police case dropped. Social services assured her that they would hold her hand the whole way. They would interview us. They would interview others including counsellors etc. So we had some hope. The ex was interviewed on the Friday. On the Monday my daughter was informed that her ex could now resume unsupervised visits. She then insisted that we had to be interviewed as they had spoken to her mother in law in Vancouver..
I cannot write what our 6 yr old grandson told my daughter nor of his out of character sexual behaviour towards his grandpa and still everyone refuses to believe us. Our lawyer when we lost on Feb 12 never contacted my daughter again but just sent the bill. The previous lawyer who also made a mess of things early in 2018 said she was pregnant and the Firm quit but reimbursed us.
As you can imagine we feel that every door we have knocked on will not open.
Where can we go to get justice? We are from London and we know how our system works.
Here my daughter is not believed, lawyers say insufficient evidence, he pays no child support, demands everything, plays the victim and the courts and social services believe this charming handsome guy and my daughter is being held up as the abuser.
Lastly my daughter’s ex has a best friend, guess where? in Social Services as a Protection Officer in this town.
We believe if he has unsupervised visits that our grandsons will be groomed and abused.
We though that the Law operated in the best interests of the children not the father needing the kids. That seems their top priority. Lastly my daughter supervised the visits with her ex from April to October which was very difficult. Very few people would help and there is no other help here.
I think I am writing this to tell someone who will believe us? Her 2 counsellors say she was abused by him as she has been seeing them since his first accident in 2015. Six weeks later our second grandson was born…. that is when the nightmare began and has not stopped…
Thank you for listening to the bare bones of our story.
My heart goes out to all of you as a witness to what happens to daughters(and sons) when a narcissist grooms them.
Anne
She pursued her case on the grounds that she wanted him to have a mental assessment because of a suicide attempt in her house, where she had let him stay while she and the kids were away in January. We did not know that he had a sexual harassment charge against him and on the day of his suicide his work had called him in, he was not sacked but given a part time job, he freaked out so that when a friend could not get hold of him they came to the house and found him. He was taken to the local hospital overnight, sent to Cranbrook next day to a psyc ward. Discharged himself. Had they not found him my daughter would have found him the next day when she got back. Suicide/homicide? The charge of sexual harassment by a work colleague was dropped! Mediation and a separation was offered. He did nothing. No child support because he cannot work, he has PTSD. No medical records. He prevaricated and has taken us to court three times. He got unsupervised visits on Feb 12th 2019
Hi Anne,
It saddens and sickens me to hear this story as I have sooooo many times in this community. The lack of justice in the system and how perpetrators get away with it.
Anne I stand firm in what I know in this Community from the last ten plus years of working with thousands of people.
Narcissists are a psychic and spiritual enigma, parasite and virus.
They bring to the fore with all victims already existing traumas in their energy fields from past lives, genetic histories and childhood traumas.
It’s not until we deeply heal the hook within ourselves that the trauma of what they bring goes away. If you research my Thriver shows you will see the overwhelming evidence that this is true.
The only suggestion I can grant your daughter is this: no amount of ‘doingness’ works. It’s not until you deeply work on and heal your ‘bringness’ regarding what is happening that the Quantum law of so within, so without starts to work.
That’s what defeats narcissist, and I don’t know anything else that does as the absolute necessary platform that everything else can build on.
My heart goes out to all of you so much.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel
Thank you for your kind and supportive reply. What else could I expect?
I know I sent your information to my daughter Melanie last year but she has had a weekly group who are doing amazing work and she has made enormous strides.
However I think your work is more relevant and I will check where she is with that.
Would you recommend I do your course? I feel I have been so drawn in by this man who also took advantage of us as we paid for him to be a qualified carpenter, we had a pre nup and documents drawn up so he could never claim against the property,. He got them into debt for 100,000 dollars, and there is a lot more all of which you have heard before. Now I know we should have walked away years ago and I am a victim too. Until recently I did not realise that he had us all in the loop.
I know my daughter made mistakes and we stayed around to make sure he did not drive us away like he did with her brother and family.
Unfortunately it is the grand children we are trying to protect.
Is there a blog for family members too ?
Thanks again for being there
Anne
Hi Anne,
It’s great that what I’ve said deeply resonates with you.
Famously in the community, which I wrote about in my book, one lady – a grandmother – worked diligently on herself and by proxy with NARP on family members and five generations of family division by a family narcissistic member and in law narcissist all dissolved.
Anne one person deeply internally healing can generate incredible change. In my opinion you can help you daughter and grandchildren more powerfully than anything else this way.
The blogs are really supplements, and there are many regarding our children, (which is also grandchildren) as well as parallel parenting. All you need to do is google my name plus these words and they will come up.
The true core healing shifts are in NARP working through each Module piece by piece and shifting out your trauma which Quantumly also influences all those connected forward and backwards along your genetic line.
Also as a NARP member you have direct access to the best global Quanta Freedom Healing specialists who can guide you 24/7 in need regarding how to help heal all of this.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
I know what I have to do thanks to you. My biggest problem is that I cant stop caring for a man I spent 43 years with. How do you get over that sort of commitment? This man was the love of my life. I have always been a one man woman. How do I deal with this?
Guidance on this would be appreciated.
Thanks so much,
Shar
Hi Shar,
Please know that when you find and heal that part of you within that is still attached, you won’t have any of that yearning and missing.
You will be free.
Most of us used to feel exactly the same, until we did the deep inner work with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I promise you that there is a way through.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie
Wow how shockingly true this video is for me. You have trully got this whole thing.
I have always run away and have had to start from scratch over and over again.
Since Joining NARP I have been working around my 2 year old and ancient. It hasn’t moved yet and I live in a house where the people on the ground floor smoke skunk. This alarms me and sends me into fear and panic. I have tried everything except the police and have been moduling on fear, and panic and controlling my external circumstances to stay safe through the NARP modules.
It is a process but this video today is such perfect timing for me Melanie I cant believe it ( well I can!).
I will continue on my NARP journey and am forever grateful to you for leading the way.
Love Reena xxx
Awww Reena,
How uncanny (but not!)
You are so on fast-track evolution riding the wave.
You’ve got this Dear Lady.
Sending, as always, love and strength.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, this video was perfect timing for me. I have discovered huge tax fraud by my ex and I felt to scared of retaliation to act on it. He has kept me living in fear of our lack of finances for so many years it’s ridiculous. Then it came to me the other morning that if I am to step out of fear which is what I want to do then I should act on this. To me that is what your video was saying.
Am I correct in this?
For me to step out of his fear I need to disclose the huge lies that have gone on for years – to the right authorities that is. I do not come from anger or hatred just a sense of justice.
Hi Tanya,
I really do believe, if these people are out of our life, then why bother with anything else other than healing, expanding and creating our own amazing life?
Yet, if we need to defend and fight for our rights and what is ours, then we can anchor into our truth and healing, stand up, expose narcissists and succeed.
It’s a very personal choice and only you know what your situation is. Your answer is within you.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, this video was perfect timing for me. I have discovered huge tax fraud by my ex and I felt too scared of retaliation to act on it. He has kept me living in fear of our lack of finances for so many years it’s ridiculous. Then it came to me the other morning that if I am to step out of fear which is what I want to do then I should act on this. To me that is what your video was saying.
Am I correct in this?
For me to step out of his fear I need to disclose the huge lies that have gone on for years – to the right authorities that is. I do not come from anger or hatred just a sense of justice.
Thank you Melanie
I stumbled across your page one night and my life has been changed. You have literally saved my life!. I was self- destructing bad blaming myself .it wasn’t healthy for our family ..I put up with his abuse for almost 4 years .I went to psychotherapy .we went to marriage councelling. I have a history of this .Nothing helped .I have a friend who is in a similar position .I read her your post out loud .don’t think she fully realizes yet . thank you for all your valuable resources that support me daily .my life has changed .I don’t know if I can ever leave him but I now know how to manage him .
Hi Lorna,
I’m so pleased my information has helped.
Sending you further strength, clarity and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I am in a living hell. Fourteen years o fcovert abuse, the whole thing.
Now I should be moving forward and I.m paralysed.
I have two children with the narc and live abroad, and feel that everything is weighted against me.
Meanwhile he has jetted off into the distance, has totally moved on, has tormented me non stop, you know the story.
Stupidly, I have allowed him to. I am so low after this experience, that I know I.m starting to nose dive.
Other people think I’m weak, or needy.
Just want some peace.
I don.t know if you can reassure me. I#m pretty desperate right now.
Sue
Hi Sue,
My heart goes out to you after suffering and still feeling such trauma.
Sue it’s great that you want relief. That is what my inner transformational resources are all about.
I’d love to connect you to them here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending you healing and strength and please know that it can get better.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie I love your videos but I think you are missing the “like “ button. I only see options to “share” -perhaps it is just me , but I wanted you to know .All the best , Diana
Hmmmm Diana,
I have one!
Maybe contact my support team at [email protected] they are great with these questions!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie!
Once again you have chartered the way! ❤️
Their weakness! How great to start focusing on that they ARE all the same with entitlement, dishonesty including to authorities and table turning etc.!
Thank you also for advising me to treat this person as a non-being and knowing how alien that feels and the courage needed do so.
I signed a court order with an old signature and ‘forced signature’ when our daughter was ordered with unsupervised access to him. (Sexual abuse etc)
One has to follow authority/court orders (I was too fogged/traumad in court to be affective) but my soul and soul child bond was/is too powerful to say it’s OK.
One also respects authority and it is such an identity smash when you see the business aspect/bullying built into the legal system that a judge would not see.
When an expert like you give advise. It is like being given the keys to your inner instincts and self again. It pushes that boulder hard up the hill to the top!
Thank you, needing help with NARP time wise as damage control to function everyday consumes time! Don’t stop the videos! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Rating.
XXE
Hi ENPB,
I’m glad this has helped and resonated with you.
Hang in there, you have been dealing with so much and you are doing a great job.
Sending more healing and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Melanie
Son & family live 20 minutes away, he works 5 minutes away, have not seen him for 3 years. He sparsely texts – but only replies to a happy birthday or Merry Christmas wish.
He will not meet for coffee.
What you suggest makes sense and if it were not for my 4.5 year old grandson (who we have not seen since he was 4) and my 2 year old granddaughter (who we have never met)
I need to negotiate back to the family in some way, I believe. If I do the Steven Segal moves, the string to my son will expire. Somehow someway I need the string to link to my grandchildren.
THanks Melanie.
I knew nothing about narcissism until January, and boy have I been on a crash course . I love your videos, they help so much.
THe thing was I discovered my partner was leading a double life, s and m scene, and that was it, i had to wake up.. THe awful thing is, the level of abuse he has directed at me has been nothing short of sadistic and vindictive cruelty. He is the sunny boy everyone likes.
I am quite scared, because it seems he.s simply out to destroy me and gains pleasure in it.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I appreciate it x
Hi Sue,
I am so sorry that you have been going through this and feeling this threat.
It is such a nasty feeling when ns are vindictive.
Please know that when we release that fear from within, something very powerful happens. N abuse is a psychic and emotionally energetic phenomenon… that when we break those chords by releasing all of it within us – then narcissists lose all ability to stay hooked to us or hurt us and they melt away.
Myself and many others in this community experienced this shift with awful narcissists after the inner release work.
There is a way beyond this and I’d love to show you how here: http://www.melanietoniaebabs.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This video is so insightful. It is spot on. The path to freedom is difficult as you must come to terms with the fact that you are simply in a relationship with a person who does not get you and is basically destroying you. I resonate so much with this information Melanie you and only you can explain it so well as you have lived it. I cannot describe how empowering it is to finally let go of the daily traumas you are experiencing at the hands of this disordered individual and come back to who you are meant to be your true and authentic self. This is an emotional vampire and you must walk away. I only wish I knew all this before I experienced so much pain. It is never too late to start the journey back to you. Thank you for your great work.
Hi Carmel,
Please know you are very welcome.
I’m so happy for you that you are coming home to you.
Sending continued blessings and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie.
Please forgive the lengthyness of this post. I woke up a new person after your email yesterday! I have never heard you speak on the “justice” that can be possible…I found you in 2014…you have sent your emails and life changing counsel to my mailbox for more than four years. YOU are the ONE I found in the summer of 2014 when my entire world fell apart…When I could not figure out what in the world kind of human being I was dealing with. I met him three months outside of separating from my husband who I had been married to for 22 years and bore four children with and who btw was NOT a narcissist. However, our marriage did end because of questions of infidelity. Questions only …that ruined the trust in our marriage. Hindsight now is I would go through 100 of my divorces if I could rewind time and never have met this man at all. In fact, I can honestly say, that I had never to this point in my life, at the age of then 46 I had never had a true “encounter” with a narcissist. I had no idea when I sat down for that “conversation “with him in 2011, the separated and divorcing victim that he portrayed himself to be…Two houses… A private investigator, a line of work that gave him all the freedom that he needed to live the life LIES he was selling…And there I was… perfect for the picking…he was EVERYTHING I HAD EVER WANTED (little did I know he was honestly EVERYTHING I HATED) and there I was, the newly divorced, not looking under any rugs or behind any doors, just trusting hook line and sinker a man that was a police officer, claimed to have been an army ranger, and was now an active private investigator… A resume that spelled “protector”…He used every bit of that resume to his benefit and to my detriment. What a fool I was. And he used every single one of those careers and his wife, yes that was all a lie…He was in fact married in a state that has a law called “alienation of affection” and for four years to keep me in line, And I’m sure multiple other women as well, he then started using his wife as the threat… That she was going to sue me if she found out and take everything I owned and bring my business to its knees… All threats and lies… At this point I was truly dealing the realization… What he IS…I gave him everything, more than $35,000 in cash and gifts… All for “a future” ..with my new “soulmate”…. looking back at that time now there were red flags everywhere. I did have the constant sense that something was just not right… The divorce that was taking forever…I was not in the business of checking behind a grown man and honestly he gave me enough “attention” that it wasn’t something that I really cared too much about as I had just come out of a very lengthy and long relationship with my ex-husband… Needless to say my expectations at that point in our relationship allowed him to run around and do everything that he did… he had two homes… And he stayed alone at one of them often… It made his lies believable… His wife had been beaten down by him for more than 20 years… I just did not realize this fact or this would have changed long before it did. I was a HOSTAGE TO EMPTY THREATS for 7 YEARS I WILL NEVER GET BACK. Things began to unravel in 2014 …In the summer of 2014, I introduced him to my 34 year old niece….Being that I am adopted, it is a niece that I did not meet until she was the age of 15. To make a very long HORRIBLE story short, After three months of an entire summer that I credited as my first stab at bringing a family member into my “relationship with him “ended in three months later with an admission that the two of them,The very night I introduced her to him, created a chaotic situation in which she left my presence to go talk to him in my behalf, what a joke, they were like two magnets… Malignant personalities attract like bees to honey and that is exactly what happened… that behsn an ongoing affair right underneath my nose for the entire summer right under my nose…My OWN NIECE… then they triangulated me relentlessly together… what I also did NOT know at that time is that my niece was DIAGNOSED borderline personality disorder, A fact that was kept quiet in her family so as not to put her in a bad light… She was just as bad if not worse, God took care of her…she was taken from this earth two years ago in a drug overdose. After the summer of 2014 and the admission that brought me to my knees and actually brought me to your doorstep, looking for answers I googled ” my boyfriend is verbally abusive sleeping with my niece” or something like that… And I found you. the reeling in sheer devastation from that is something I still deal with today in the form of an anxiety disorder that I do not ignore any longer. Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Financial abuse. Threats. Lies. Cheating on a level I did not even know was possible. When what they did to me came to light, little did I know I still had for years ahead of me before I would see JUSTICE..After a full year on antidepressants and distancing myself… Walking away from both businesses which he is still active in all over social media… Without one dime in compensation… I secured an attorney and got out of those businesses and that began what I did not even realize was happening, the period of time you were just speaking about, distancing myself, gaining strength… Using the truth, the horrible truth that I had found myself in, to begin to find a way to dig my way out… But the need for revenge was overtaking at times .. and I have read so much of your material, talking about not taking revenge, that it can keep you a victim… Well now I realize… It was justice that I wanted. Not revenge… in a way that was bringing me power and I did not even realize it. I saved everything. Every text, every voicemail and I recorded their conversations so I have them both on tape admitting what they did together for any family member or any other person that may want to dispute the TRUTH in the future. Little did I know that I was gearing up for “justice” and I would GET TO deliver it …eventually. Before that eye opening summer, We had come up with an idea for a company to sell T-shirts and other apparel for a hunting and fishing line. That very quickly turned into a breast cancer line. He now uses the breast Cancer line to meet targets. That’s another story. However I had paid for the trademark prior to this summer and right after the admission he launched that trademark forward and I found myself then in the middle of two businesses with him because he HURLED us straight into it…I was a twisted up emotional pretzel at this point… Reeling from the degenerate black hearted behavior…. I was a train wreck and this was his way of keeping me in the lineup and it began two more years of living hell because now all of the truth was beginning to trickle out. My nightmare came to a full head last October 2018, when I finally got up enough courage to reach out to someone in his very close circle that I suspected was neutral and I was right. That began the justice phase. The truth is that she was able to articulate, comparing seven years of my stories to all that she knew, her son dates his daughter…now the REALITY OF TRUTH was at my feet. And I used it. I found out that he had been threatening and involved with multiple women. And using social media I was able to go back and find them each and everyone that I could and I reached out to them using the dates of the text messages and voicemails and constant bidding for my attention that I was denying him… I found 4 women that he was involved with at the very same time he was with me and I contacted each one of them via messenger and I included copies of pictures and text messages for proof and each one of them I was correct. Every single one of them he was having sexual relationships with unprotected. And all of them at this point had been drug through the mud by him… NOW IT WAS JUSTICE TIME and I showed him no mercy. Even one gal from Texas that he met during a show who had just started breast cancer treatment… justice was swift and it was sure… His weakest point was his wife… She has remained with him for years through all of his infidelities and she was aware of every single one of them. He used her as a threat to keep all these women in line and she was never a threat at all. Alienation of affection is a very specific law. His wife stopped having grounds with alienation of affection more than 25 years ago. He has cheated the entirety of their marriage and she has remained with him. It never stopped him from using it as a threat. It’s a threat I’m sure he will not use again out of fear that I am going to come out from behind some wall. Yes I have completely turned the tables. AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT UNTIL YESTERDAY WITH THIS EMAIL!!!!Needless to say… Every word that you have just spoken is TRUTH. But it is a process, often a very lengthy and years long process to get to a point that you have enough information and are at a point to execute JUSTICE. I never realized until I just read this article that this was even an option in the narcissistic play book… And not even realizing it I actually accomplished this and I have you to thank for it. When I started going after all of his women with the statement to HIM that for the rest of my life if I find another one that he was with while he was with me they’re going to find out about it. Basically I have told him that his justice will be ongoing. I also told him that if he contacted me by phone or in anyway again that my next phone call would be to his wife. That is his weakest point. I found out that he has bought her cars and multiple other apology gifts over the years. He has been caught by her putting other women up and supporting them. She has stayed. I will call her. That will be my final act of justice if he contacts me in any way shape or form again and I have not heard from him again… that is something that I had said to him 100 times to no avail until he knew for sure that I was no longer playing in his circus.
For the first time since 2011… He has finally stopped bothering me. At least for now…And now I know why! No contact is honestly something that from this point forward, I will use that on him as well. He’s not blocked, his email is not blocked… Nothing is blocked anymore… There is no need. I watched him crumble in front of my eyes. And he knows now that I will reach out to anyone with the truth about him. He is still out there taking advantage of multiple women… And now he lives in fear every day that I’m going to find out who they are and expose him. The T-shirt companies will probably be his undoing in the end. The hardest part in all of this, was that I had genuine feelings and emotions and love and care and concern for this man. I would have given him everything and i did…I will never be the same person again. I have exposed him not only completely but thoroughly, to people that he knows and he has no power over me anymore. I’m done. Thank you Melanie. Your information… All of your care and concern and information has saved my life. And now I know for sure I am on the other side of this nightmare. Thank you thank you thank YOU! From the very bottom of my heart. ♥️
Hi Pam,
You have been through so much and my heart goes out to you.
Pam I totally understand how you would want justice after the horrendous things you have been through, yet I really want you to know that the inner healing and release from our wounds into our True Self is the greatest ‘justice’ we could every experience.
You are very right I haven’t talked about ‘justice’ like this before – because the inner healing is foundational to all power we have, and there is no real justuce without that.
I’d love to help you truly heal on the inside and be able to be free of the agony of what you experienced.
That is when I know I’m really doing my job, and anything else that happens from their is simply a bonus. After doing that you may completely let go, take your evolution and be beyond any hooks or feelings about him whatsoever, knowing that all women are doing a dance with their wounds and him to finally come home to loving and being a source to themselves, also.
Which is the evolutionary gift to all us who have been brutalised by narcissists.
You say you can’t get those years back … none of us could. But what we can claim, the releasing of our wounds and the evolutionary into a Self who far extends beyond anything we have ever known previously, is far more valuable.
This awaits you too, if you turn iesrds to do the work to heal, just as I and so many others did from the brink of total destruction.
Pam is it time to turn inwards to get the healing work done? I hope for your soul and heart that it is.
If so the first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending you relief and love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Yes. Because the anger and cynicism is overflowing…. the damage of “reaction” definitely had its way with me and I pray everyday for tenderness to return to my heart. I did get justice…. I know your WORDS ARE TRUTH … I have expericed justice simply because I crossed over the line somewhere and for that I am grateful. Yes. The inside needs healing for sure and you are just amazing for all you do and have done for so many and are doing for those that don’t know they are with a vampire yet…. thank you Melanie.♥️
Hi Mel,
This is a timely video for me. So clear in its message and strong wise words. Lovely flowers today too!
The thing is I am dealing right now with my toxic relationship to my Narc Father rather than an ex. That has had large degree of closure.
With my father, I am in a toxic mix of him giving with one hand to support my situation then removing it with cold lack of care and psychological games or at trying to have ultimate control over me (still) as has happened all my life. There are criticisms and judgements and it has led to extreme levels of perfectionism is myself – that I have unwittingly transferred to my son in some ways that leads to feeling incapable and paralysis. This affects my son too this dance and ongoing war. Those words; “They cannot bear being irrelevant to you” resonate so much.
So when i do decide to make space and not ask for anything in the way of childcare help or to use his car or financial back up for my son (as we have no help from his father) he reels me back in with a hook – such as offering to pay for a trip away, having already accused me of living a unrealistic lifestyle because of a previous trip away or use of the car.
Or now today i have a heavy handed, demanding email ( I have no mobile to text to due to have been mugged a week ago but it showing me so much in terms of those who still demand and expect from me) and in the email he demands to meet with me – not asks – to talk because of an unhealthy, aggressive outburst from my son to both of us last week – a few days after i got mugged in the street and was out of sorts, and he came to look after my son so I could go to a healing meet up to swap EFT sessions. When I returned from the evening, although it had calmed at home he had not fed my son dinner (even though my son refused it), or started getting him ready for bed – he was still in ipad and my father was on face time to his current woman/supply who is a single parent 20 years younger in a different continent – even though he is still married to my mother who lives in a care home. Trying to paint the picture here of his lack of morals and inconsistency. He just commented that I was late back. (ie. my fault that my son still up) I had no phone to call him to say I would be a little later than I thought.
Its like the only thing to do is ask for nothing – yet he gets rougher the more he feels irrelevant. Or else suddenly get generous for a moment.
The problem is and what I’d like ask you is – I am in a flat he owns…I rely on this home.
I am due to have it put in my name at some point (even though it still has a a mortgage to pay) to balance out the inheritance in form of a property my older brother (the golden child) has already had – he keeps playing around with a decision and trying to control me with this fact. This and all he owns is in fact half my Mum’s too. This would allow me to be free as he would no longer be my landlord and if I am struggling financially or want to leave the area I could rent it out. I also could choose to move if I liked without having to be accountable to him. I feel if I cut all ties and walked away I would be making myself vulnerable and my son too. I couldn’t get a stable place to live in the rental market with help from the state. So I could end up homeless.
So I am not dealing with authorities but I am dealing with a situation which is confusing, toxic and complex and there is a lot of blame with no accountability. He believes for example I should have a better job and more income but not looking at the lack of support or childcare I have to be able to go to work full time. I am self employed – work part time and and I have health issues as well as complex PTSD. I get some help from state benefits. But also I feel I am held back by this toxic dance we are in that I don’t know how to break free from completely.
I’d love your insight in to dealing with a family member on this topic with no outside input from authorities to make him accountable. As I mentioned everything he owns is half my Mum’s too but he has power of attorney on all her affairs. I will also go to forum on his latest demand for a meeting to discuss my son as I felt really angry and I know it will be a futile assault on my time and energy and possible trigger me too. The last time we “talked” about my financial affairs it made me so out of sorts I almost had a complete breakdown in the following week and had to re balance a lot since then. I don’t feel safe to have this meeting.
all best and lots of love
Sophie
Hi Sophie,
Glad you loved the flowers!
There really is a lot in here and I truly do understand your dilemma.
Please do google my name and resources regarding narcissic fathers and elderly parents and this will grant you information.
I am such an advocate for the inner work in order to become the power and the shift we need to become.
Ideally you absolutely need to become your own self generative force so that there is no reliance as an adult on unhealthy and abusive others.
He is your father, and also going forward there is the possibity this could happen to you in an intimate relationship.
This was one of my biggest hooks – so I get you – the terror of not being able to make it on my own. I also was a single mother.
This is an internal thing, it’s a belief system and inner trauma thing that many women carry that I would be suggest healing beyond it, so that you can be the force that has possibility and the way out flowing through you, because this is when the true changes happen.
When we are reliant and stuck there is no deals we can truly cut and manage with people. They have us cornered and stuck because we need them for survival despite the abuse. It’s the shifting beyond the emotional reliance inside that will grant you power, freedom and change.
When you become the ‘way’ inside, the ‘way’ must and does appear.
Truly.
I hope this helps. I can help you with this here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Much love to you too.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Your insight has been great!
I did not even know that I was dealing with a narcissist, after 23 years and 2 kids (now young adults) together. I thought it was my Life’s Greatest Love. I thought he was The One. I have been so misguided and just plain Wrong on so many levels about him. I have been very very deceived! We have tried reconciliations 5 different times. I felt sucked back into his bullcrap many times. He has completely used me financially and emotionally, courting me to get me back all these times, saying all these hopes and dreams and promises for our future…only to do a 180 and have none of them be true….and only to turn the tables on me, saying I am delusional. Yes, I have to admit that I WAS delusional…after hoping and praying and believing his false words, yes, I am left holding my emotions wondering what happened. He has made me that way…he has “made” me delusional. This was part of the manipulation.
I learned he was a narcissist simply by reading your info! How Life has been all about HIM. Not me. Not Us. Not the kids or our family or our life. Him. His life. His second life…cheating, but keeping me happy at home, …and for the longest time, in the dark of what was going on. He has belittled me, our kids and every friend and family member I have. He has made me hate and second-guess myself, and everyone else in my life. He has disrespected everyone. But still I defended him. He continued with his life, while mine has been spent taking care of the house, the finances, Him, the children…..doing everything else…while he still went about his retirement saving and planning, and hobbies and friends and “extracurricular activities” outside of our marriage. He has gaslighted me, and blamed me for the demise of our marriage. He has badmouthed me to everyone, including our own kids, whom I have full custody of. Thankfully, I was strong enough to be able to divorce him immediately 5 years ago, to get all of the financial things settled on paper (but he is renigging on honoring that agreement!).
But “Emotionally”, I was not ready to be separated from him. For 5 years, I am still coping and learning. I am still in disbelief that he could do this. It has been so difficult to comprehend that this “love” was not really Real. The biggest thing for me has been to watch him move on so quickly with someone else. Which never lasts. But now I understand that once the narcissist realizes he cannot continue to feed off from you any longer, and sees you gaining a voice and setting boundaries, he has no choice but to begin his feeding supply somewhere else. I get this concept…but I have a hard time watching it from the sidelines. These poor women have NO IDEA when they are in for, if they stay long enough to see how he truly is.
For now, I have kept the home, the family environment, and kept peace and consistency and love, inside our house…for me and the kids. They see a woman who can be strong and still do what’s right. I am so grateful for being strong enough at least to be able to do this and raise my kids for 5 years ALONE. It’s been hard….but you have to see there light at the end of the tunnel. I try to show my kids good life lessons.
For me, I am having a hard time disconnecting the sense of Love I felt for this man….so that I can be open to having a loving, caring, new man in my life. I realize that what I felt may have been love (for what, now, I really don’t know!), …but for him, I guess I was just an open target of someone he could bully and manipulate and use, for as long he possibly could.
I have to now recover from those “feelings” and repair the damage he has done to me financially and mentally and emotionally, to gain back my self-confidence and self-worth. This is NOT easy. I guess I am still a work in progress!
Thanks again!
I read your words and I feel every single second of it. You were not delusional. We were not delusional.you were lied to. We were lied to. We were manipulated. And there is a big difference between being delusional and just flat out being used. I read your words And I hear the words of the narc in my life’s wife in them… God only knows what she has suffered and like you and your story, you now have the power in your hand… Because you have the truth now. Mine lied about and lived a perfect life that appeared that he was separated. You are a strong beautiful woman and the reality is the delusion is found in the empty promises that belong to HIM. You are not delusional. You are free.
Awww Karen,
I am so sorry your heart and soul has been so hurt.
Please know myself and others who also suffered that trauma significantly have healed from the inside cellularly what we possibly never would have been able to otherwise.
We used my process NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Please check it out, because it helps us heal in time frames and ways that we did not know were possible.
Sending you love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I took the journey of healing and found my true self. I began operating out of my power and truth not fear. I set firm boundaries. Now my husband has chosen to take the journey within himself and heal. And he is healing. This once entitled,self centered, covertly narcissistic sex addict is changing. He has disclosed his addictive history and owned his abusive behaviors toward me and our children. After 38 years with this man I never believed this to be possible but it is happening. I’m still separated from him as we both work on our traumas and triggers and inner healing. But I am hopeful we may be together in the future. I believe anyone can change and heal if they commit to the work.
Hi Janny,
I so agree that they can with full dedication to healing inner wounds and the humility to be vulnerable and real.
I wish you every success and love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Melany, it is so good to be remembered after so severe attacks, to just smile and heal for there is nothing else to do. Also I believe my morther needs to be put to justice. When we were young she made my father murder our beautifull puppydog we all loved so much. This murderous spirit has always been working through her. With all the knowledge and healing and thriving I hope her influence and control will crumble as wel. Thank for reminding me that they play dirty.
Hi Dineke,
It’s my pleasure and I’m glad this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
LOVED the sound effects! Humor is so golden! You are beautiful ❤️
Thank you Laura sweetheart!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie
I walked away 27 years ago from my NARC sister who aligned with the senior partner in the law firm that I hired to protect me from her , her lies, the men that she had sex with to manipulate, etc. I was cheated out of $$$’s of my rightful inheritance and threatened and smeared with the most agregious lies for all this time. At the time , I was so beaten down, I decided that to walk away from any more ugliness was the best for me. Let her have the family business, the small towns where my family was from… I could go on unfettered.Well, cheating me out of almost everything wasn’t enough for them. They have continually stalked and smeared me for 27 years. The senior attorney , who has known criminal connections ,his wife and his ex partner have had three separate people threaten my life. The last one told me not to even think about suing them. They would draw out a lawsuit for decades.
The group is holding $$ that they admit belongs to me, but of course, make all kinds of excuses and conditions to other people why they will not release it to me. I am just about ready to sue . They have constantly stalked me, smeared me, harassed me on FB until I deleted my account recently, etc. You know their tactics. Giving up everything and walking away doesn’t work with NARCISSISTS. Anyway, Melanie, Thank you for this. You are right again, although this is not an easy decision. I do believe that a person must be spiritually and mentally prepared to stand up to these types. I also do believe that when you do stand up in the right form… no emotions, , with the right attitude, you can prevail rather easily. Once before, I had to sue an attorney who had been stealing from a partnership that I was in. After he lied ,slandered me and kept cancelling his deposition appointments for appx. 1 year, we finally got to interview him. Guess what? He almost began to cry when my attorney pressed him in the deposition. Got in a huge argument with his attorney (he, of course, lied to his attorney) ,settled one week later and gave me the whole amount that I was asking for. Feeling stronger now. My sister is the same…a loud, lying, bullying paper tiger who always plays the victim. I wish I would have sued them years ago and saved myself all the bullying , although I don’t think I could’ve dealt with all the stress and ugliness at that time. Thanks again. 🙏❤❤
Hi Kathy,
It’s awful what you have been through.
It sounds like you are getting your power in order, and it’s time for you to stand tall and strong now.
That’s your evolution and enough is enough.
Sending you success and positive breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement, Melanie. Sending you blessings.
It’s my pleasure Kathy,
Always …
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I’m at a slightly earlier stage but very fearful as to the next step. I’ve been waiting for the demise of my Ns father as that will ensure my N comes into property and will hopefully move there. This has now happened but I am grieving the loss of a much loved father in law and suddenly fearful that it’s not just the N I will be losing but the whole family of whom I’m fond. He’s long been devaluing me and turning friends against me, I suppose it’s only time for the rest of his family to do the same post funeral. I am fearful of being too exhausted and upset at the funeral to make a last impression on people I’ve known most of my life and who will leave me soon afterwards. They all love the N as he is charming and funny. They don’t know the real him.
I realise I have to accept this and move on but the changes will be huge. I am lacking courage. I’m surprised at how I am resisting leaving the family. Whilst his father was alive I had a purpose and was needed, but once the house clearance is out of the way I am certain the N will turn on me and get rid of me, demanding his half of our house to renovate his family home and move his mistress in.
How do I find courage to let go of everything I have? The N is greedy so I am likely to lose many possessions, friends and my home soon. I am an orphan so have relied on my married family for many years and more than anything that’s what is cutting me up. I am accepting that the N hates me and damns me at every turn, so perhaps that’s the first stage sorted. Not long ago I was fighting to make him normal and feel supported. I’m past that now.
Hi Gabriella,
My heart goes out to you. The demise of our relationships with narcissists does bring up so much regarding loss and pain.
I totally empathise with you, knowing you will lose things and people dear to your heart, this is very common in this Community.
Please know, however, that when we heal and recover ourselves there is such a full and real Self generative life that we start experiencing, knowing that we are no longer dependent or susceptible to such losses again.
This takes inner work, but is so worth it.
I’d love to help you achieve this level of inner wholeness here as well as relief from the fear and pain: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I didn’t know I was a target for a narcissist… until my seemingly wonderful relationship to one came crashing down. I am thankful to have discovered the truth about his lies, infidelities, and his past abuses against many other women just BEFORE marrying him. Your videos have helped me to not only understand the disordered thinking of this person, but more importantly how to use the devastation and pain to awaken my greater power and purpose. Many days are still a struggle, but no contact, caring and loving myself, and releasing my past traumas of childhood abuse/neglect are keeping me healthy and sane.
Honestly, without your guidance I might still be needlessly tangled up with this person. Thanks for all you do!
Awww Grace,
That is so wonderful that you have embodied the Thriver message and are actualising it.
Sending many continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I wish it was just physical violence I had to worry about with my son’s father. He said some things and did some thing that indicated he was likely sexually interested in minors. I don’t have any proof of his dealings as such. I just won’t put his name on the birth certificate (and thus I do not get the child support myself and my son deserve) because I don’t want him having custody or access to our child. I feel somewhat cheated because the financial support would really help. If I stand up to him and my son gets molested as a result – nope, not doing it. I really wish that I had sorted out my own attachment issues and understood that I had them BEFORE.
It’s fascinating how much my attachment issues played into all of this.
Hi Megan,
It’s so good that you made choices to not go through this horror.
Please know 100 percent we can all heal up and get free from financial blocks and fears. I almost tragically used to suffer from them too, which does mean a continued struggle.
Once they are uplevelled within I promise you that we start living a completely different and powerful reality of opportunity and abundance. The loss and struggles come to end.
Have you checked out my inner transformational resources? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
They address all blocks and limits in our life.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thx Melanie. I also will share this info with my boss who has a family issue where she could use this info.
My story where I feel I wish the narc would get some ‘”just desserts”( but instead they just seem to keep getting dessert)
I was discarded about 1.5yrs ago after 4years of entanglement with a Narc (lies, manipulations, gaslighting, future faking, silent treatment, alcohol abuse, unstable at work, and just plain crazy statements that made no sense sometimes) She ran off in a very crass manner with a new interest…lying that she was not involved at all with anyone. Even tho the person heard about some of this…the person proceeded….however who knows what the narc told them/ lied about.
I knew logically this person was bad news for me pretty soon into it my time with her.
I within 6months or so -began researching -it was toss up btw borderline and NPD. It didn’t really matter- the person was mentally not fixable and definitely Cluster B- and now I’m 99% sure NPD. I saw it in print, I heard it from people’s mouths. I knew I didn’t want to go into my old age with this person. yet I thought maybe I could ? show enough patience and love. Maybe …this …maybe that.
She pretty much hid me (lied) about me to her (few) ”flying monkeys”. She hid me from her partner she was cheating on. She hid me from her family ”just friends” for 4 yrs. finding that out -that I was hidden and not respected at all in that manner- really hurt badly.
towards year 3, I realized I was addicted. I told her so. I said-it’s not so much love as addiction with me. I was hooked on the physical intimacy and companionship for evenings and weekends(we didn’t live together) I work full time and am stable/responsible/compassionate etc. I have struggled here and there with fidelity in my 55 yrs -but I don’t intentionally TRY to hurt anyone and I take responsibility for myself and try to treat others with due respect.
So Mel- I knew I had to get out. I wanted just be able to walk away but it was that Dr. Jekyll/Miss Hyde- intermittent reinforcement and cognitive dissonance-that kept me hooked- just one more bike ride, one more hike trip, one more dinner/overnight.
So- why – when she finally found a new sucker who was entirely clueless and came charging in to date her–didn’t I heal ?
I initially did feel an exhilaration of FREEDOM! The first day or two. But then – I sunk and sunk very low. My heart was crushed for so many levels and wrapping my mind around all the lies and manipulations became difficult. Everything became so clear after I stepped away.
Further deceptions of hers came out. But still I just fixated on the pain of them/the new golden period honeymoon couple cavorting about and it killed me. And now- 1.5 years later -they are still cavorting as far as we can tell. And I still get tweaked by it and I lose sleep some nights and I waste days at work / and get depressed. I still want to have a physical relationship with her. I still want ???? something. I want validationg? truth? her to be what she isn’t? LOGICALLY I know she is bad news. But the ‘world’ keeps showing me- “well, she’s not that bad, SHE’S the one in a relationship! she’s the one getting her needs met- I’m the one who’s on the sidelines….even tho I have a lot going for me-but I am not going to just PICK SOMEONE ASAP to be with.
I have worked with Law of Attraction which has helped quite a bit. I have been to counseling. I have mainly tried to shift my thoughts off the negative and off her and onto ME and my good life. But my link persists.
one activating mistake- I actually met her 4x in last 8months -trying to feel it out and see if what I’ve learned about narcs is true. and it appears to be-she’s re-written history and is manipulative and selfish as ever. She was flirty! Even tho she is now moving in with her new catch. She said ‘she’d like to see more of me” – and she called me in January- ‘just to say hi’.
I know I came off of my No Contact – I re-entered the fray and opened the wound again.
But …..what linkage do you think keeps a pretty normal, sensible, nice, compassionate, loving and responsible person- needing attention and validation from someone that treated them so AWFULLY? it ticks me off to be this age and this aware and still hooked.
I have tried NARP a bit- and I don’t find any INJURED baby self. it seems common that the type of person I am – that gets hooked on these gosh darn crappy people that screw up your head and heart. My mother would be so disappointed in me for accepting such a crappy treatment.
Arggggg!
Hi Kathleen,
You are very welcome.
Please know Dear Lady when we take our focus off them and get extremely determined to find the inner hooks keeping us in the game, that make NO sense logically, that’s when everything changes.
We don’t know what they are until we do the inner work.
That’s what NARP does and hence why it is so powerfully effective for this community as it was for myself.
It is the answer and shift you seek Kathleen and there is zero risk for you in trying it, rather just your True freedom and healing to gain.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending healing and real breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie!
This is off topic, but I’d still have this one poignant question for you. You know how bad the n abuse is so no need to talk about that now. 2 years ago the situation escalated badly and led to a total break down. Basically the past 2 years I have done intensively healing work. I’m quite proud of myself to come this far. I am not at all the same person anymore like I was about 5 years ago when I first met the ex n. So I can see now that his presence in my life served a “higher purpose”.
I might at some point still want to have a boyfriend, husband, life partner…
But now suddenly this fear raises its ugly head. Or it’s not like active fear, more like irritation or annoyance, concern: what if still after this crazy amount of deep healing, I’ll still meet a n, a new one? That would be a very bad “joke” from the universe. It’s really not like fear, but more like…I’m done with these ridiculous clowns, I just don’t have time for them in my life anymore!
I have made this “check list” in my mind, about red flags etc., like no instant relationship, no hurry, no instant sex…I want to take it slowly, to build trust etc. But what if I meet a n, who can “sniff” all of this, you know, someone who says “yes, it’s fine for me to take things slowly”, then I think that is a man I can trust, when in reality he is a skilled actor (n)?
Or is it so, that even when we are healed and trauma-free, we can still meet a n and even “accidentally” have a date with one? But the difference at this time will be, that we will not stay connected, do not continue the relationship, are no longer needy, obsessed, addicted? I’ve spent so long time thinking, how on earth I can know early on whether I can trust a man, but it is actually more so, that I will be able to trust myself (intuition etc.) and detach, if needed?
I’d love to get clarity with this! It’s somehow like…if I still let the past (n abuse, fear, worries) limit me, hinder new relationships…then I continue to give my power away to them and still somehow let the n limit/control me, even when he is not in my life anymore. I’m not gonna give him that “joy”!
Hi Julia,
I really want you to know that when we heal up those fears and have done enough inner work to show up authentically, trust our inner voice, be prepared to ask the difficult questions, and have difficult conversations and no longer have the fear of speaking up due to the fears of CRAP – criticism, rejection, abandonment or punishment then we can truly say – ‘bring on the narcs!’
Julia it’s not until you have ZERO fear or them, know you are impervious to them and couldn’t care less about them … that you can graduate.
That’s the level of inner work you must get to, to be safe from them – and they will continue to come into your life as sure as anything until you know 100 percent that no matter what, you are self partnered and your own source and you are prepared to be true to you – regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t being or doing.
Ns will come so that you can graduate by having closed your gaps (healed your inner wounds and fears) and be fully prepared to do it differently in your power THIS time.
Your entire life moving forward needs to be that – all of ours (including mine) does.
The truth is not just anyone can be taken down by ns. People who can’t be duped by ns also encounter ns, they just don’t hand power over to them. They ascertain people healthily and take their time to trust them and let them fully in, they honour their inner beings, they don’t make excuses and justifications for people’s behaviour, they arent empty enough to accept crumbs, and they don’t make sudden and rash decisions because of not being a whole source to self.
And most of all if they start experiencing unacceptable behaviour they will walk away rather than experience abuse.
This is who we need to be … and exactly these things and so much more is the person I have dedicated my life to myself to become. Then there is no fear.
What we fear is a powerful attractor of what we get.
I hope this makes sense and points you into Right Town with this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Yes, it makes sense.
Now I write this with a little bit sense of humour…But with men, generally speaking, the normal ones…This is so difficult for me, this whole theme of showing up authentically. Can I “just” be myself, without trying anything? Would a nice, normal man become attracted to that? I mean, don’t we all women want to be at our best/better, look better, slimmer, younger…I could wear push up bra and red tight dress and look stunning, and gather lots of attention from men. But it makes me feel uncomfortable and somehow funny/silly, because I feel I’m like in theatre and wearing a role costume. It makes me feel, men see the exterior and not the person (me!) inside. The truth is, I’m nerd, introvert and prefer no make up look and grey cardigans 🙂 I noticed, I have often tried to play the role of a “dream girlfriend” or “sexy woman” etc. and it just feels artificial to me. I’m not trying to hide or diminish myself, I’m just comfortable being me! But I’m not sure would men be attracted to that?
So this being authentic…somehow I feel it means I’m at “my worst”. But if a man doesn’t like me as I am, I suppose then it’s not worth wasting my time to that. I used to be a people pleaser and for sure, that I won’t do ever anymore!! 🙂 I just feel that being myself, authentic…it takes great courage.
Hi Julia,
Hun … all of this logical thinking and searching for strategies happen when we still have the unhealed inner beliefs ‘I am not loveable and acceptable as I am’.
Until we heal that there is much confusion around all of this.
When it’s healed then we can be us, with heels and push up bra if we wish, but the angst and trying to be approved of is gone.
It becomes then more about ‘hmmm are you a good fit for my values and truth, because I’m really whole just as myself.’
Take it from someone who knows! Much happier days!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you Melanie. Whatever the problem area is, you always have some words <3
But wounds or not, I think probably nearly all women are insecure in this area of looks. I'm actually a very tall woman and the n was visibly shorter than me. This was one of the heart breakingly beautiful aspects of the relationship I think. He didn't mind my height, I think he was probably even proud of it (I was also 10 years younger than he), that was very nice. Yeah, but that's all now ancient history…
Sometimes I just think, how amazingly "psychic" he (and n's are) is to tune into my wounds, probably immediately since the day one. It's unbelievable, how they are so skilled to recognize other peoples wounds and have zero ability to recognize their own wounds!! Astounding.
Hi Melanie,
I’m glad I found your website, what I’m reading is making me feel better, but I continue to have rough days because I coparent with an exhusband narc and he will do anything to pull me into his drama/chaos. I filed for divorce almost 4 years ago, after 10 years of a hellish marriage. Divorce was finalized almost 3 years ago, I pushed everything thru courts, found the mediator, coparenting counselor, did all paperwork, etc…After being a SAHM for 6 years, I went back to work full time, got kids on my health insurance plan and filed for divorce. He blamed me, said he tried to save our marriage, and this was all my fault. He racked up almost 70K of debt during marriage and hid it from me, lied about basically every aspect of his life, online habits, friends, taking off work and hiding it from me, wouldn’t tell me where he was spending money, creating false narratives and manipulated and gaslit, told his mom I was abusing our finances, not true, so she sent him thousands of dollars, she is wealthy and is an enabler. He attempted perjury on legal court documents, got busted because I had paperwork to prove he was lying and had to change them. He’s also a lawyer!
I’ve moved on, recently bought a house, have a great job, but have to deal with him on a weekly basis because we coparent, I’ve made it so we communicate only via email or text and it’s very short messages. Last month, he informed me he’s in a relationship with the mother of one of my kids friends and she’s most likely going to move in to the house his mother bought him, did I mention his mom is an enabler? This is the same woman I suspected he was having an affair with while we were still married. My kids don’t know about this yet, he is supposed to wait 6 months before sharing with kids he’s in a relationship. It’s in our legally binding parenting plan. Says they’ve only been dating since November. He has spent the past month barraging me with emails saying the rules don’t apply if the kids already know this person and it will be my fault if someone tells them he’s dating. I have calmly and repeatedly explained via email that we will stick with the 6 month legally binding rule, that no adult in their right mind would walk up to 2 young children and tell them something like this. Meanwhile, I have gotten my kids into therapy so they can be in a trusting environment when they do find out in a month, because it’s going to be traumatic and confusing for them. He, on the other hand, is concerned only with what he wants and creating drama and chaos when all of this could be avoided. But that is what narcissists do. I always stand my ground with him and do everything I can to have as little contact with him as possible, but it’s really draining. The past month has been hard and I need more support.
Thanks.
Hi Kris,
I know this is really hard and painful for you, but please know the more we try to control the uncontrollable the more it controls us.
It has been years since you were together, other people are going to come along. And one day absolutely you may meet a lovely man that to be in your life will need to be around your children. How would he potentially feel about a 6 month rule? It is a big ask for someone to be a complete secret to your children for this amount of time.
Truly many people would wonder why you are not free to introduce them to your family (to your kids) earlier and what are the binds and complications with your ex? It also is unrealistic for a man wanting to ascertain if he could take on your kids part time as your life partner if he is seeing you for six months without being able to meet them.
Also this means you have to lie to your children about what you are up to? What is that teaching them?
Lies dont protect children. They are not silly. What it does is teach them not to trust others and worse of all themselves.
I see many potholes for you, moving forward, with this arrangement!
This I know about our kids, when we heal and let go and can be okay, then we are in the most healthiest place to support and help them go through adjustments. It also teaches them by example that life has change, disappointments etc and we can be strong, while and self soothe and cope regardless if what someone else is or isn’t doing.
Absolutely there are a whole long line of new hurts and things to heal regarding ‘new partners’ and I would look at letting go of the trauma and healing that within.
What is so much more important to your children, more than a six month rule (in my humble opinion) is seeing a healing whole Mum who is able to be calm, loving, available and at peace no matter what he does.
And … ultimately it’s about will this woman be kind and good to your children. She may be a welcome addition to their well-being whilst parallel parenting with him.
My heart goes out to you, I know this is tough.
I hope what I have shared here can help.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Being in a committed relationship for 6 months before introducing that person to one’s children is standard practice in the United States, it’s written into coparenting plans in order to protect the children. I’ve never once heard of this being referred to as lying, not by parents, family members, pediatricians, judges, and certainly not by any therapist who understands divorce, parenting, and the emotional, mental and psychological health and well being of children of divorce.
Maybe they do things different in your country, but here, this is the norm.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/03/dating-with-kids-5-ground_n_1911152.html
Hi Kris,
I stand corrected and I am so sorry for not knowing, I haven’t heard of that in the States, we don’t have it here in Australia to my knowledge..
I would be interested to have other members here get involved with this topic, as I will research it.
Am I misunderstanding that the children are NOT to know anything about the new partner for 6 months? Or do they know and then not meet them? If they don’t know then what is said to them when going out on dates?
I understand now that new potential partners could be understanding about this condition, with it being law.
I feel, here, where it isn’t law, that healthy decent parents are mindful of their children and do take their time respectfully with them. Do we really need a law to understand this?
Most intelligent adults also date platonically for a time, and get to know a potential partner before sleeping with them. Could this person meet the children as a ‘friend’ rather than a ‘lover’ because they aren’t that yet?
I’m finding a blanket law difficult to understand here, even though I can understand the intention of it.
I also believe that ns don’t respect their children (it’s just all about the n) and even if there is a law in place would break it on the quiet. Just like every other boundary placed in front of them.
I find our systems so interesting in that such a strict policy for ‘new partners’ yet within n abuse there are so many unhealthy parents allowed contact with children even unsupervised, just because they are biological – despite abuse evidence, reports of abuse and discrediting psychiatric evaluations.
Regarding my ex n’s who were both completely remiss regarding their children, I believe another influence, considering ns usually target nice people, could possibly (and hopefully) be better for the children than a totally unavailable and selfish n parent.
Just my thoughts about this …
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This hit me to the core. Time to heal the wounds of childhood left on me my feelings of inadequacy. I was so floored hurt angry and not seeing my wounds that habe kept me vulnerable. I just signed up for counseling in 2 weeks and i know WHAT i need to work on. I wanted tools to protect anxiety from hitting me in my stomach..this opened my eyes …i start w healing my hurts. I have come a long way and have more to go. Thank you. Inspired and healing daily from narcissistic physical mental abuse. Free
Hi Anna,
This is great this deeply resonated with you.
That’s great that you are inspired to hold and release the traumas. This is so much more freeing than trying to live with and manage them.
Sending you blessings and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you Melanie. It is amazing how you achieve to wake me up again and again…. and remind me of my power and courage. Thank’s a lot! And I am very much looking forward to your new NARP version – 30 minutes – that’s perfect!! I have to admit that, after about 30- 45 min I always needed a break – I just could not concentrate any longer on the hard issues…. I will restart doing NARP from the beginning as I must admit I fell for another narc – a covert one – a therapist – and although I noticed it very quickly and consciously tried NOT to fall for him (as I already “smelled” it) – I was kind of devastated at the end – because I had to recognise that I had not done all my work yet…. So it is so great that you released NARP 3 – just a the right moment for me! What a great idea! Thank you so much and – lots of love for you !
Hi Claudia,
Sweetheart I am so pleased that I could help connect you with you!
That’s wonderful that you are looking forward to NARP 3, it is so exciting!
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie! I have survived being married to a narcissist for 31 years. I have known & dated him on & off
from the age of 17 years. We married when we were both 25 years old. At 57 years of age I hit my limit,
and left my husband, while in an emotional turmoil, with much anger and resentment. My husband controlled all of our finances, except my pay cheque. It has taken me 2 years to realize that he is a narcissist. I signed up for your 16 day workshop, but missed the 3 keys to Thrive Webinar. I would very much like to join NARP and take your course. At the present time, I am awaiting our divorce trial.
Luckily for me, I have been able to access some information to prove that he has more funds than
he is admitting, and has not handed in to his lawyer and/or the courts. I am the one who filed for divorce,
and have been paying a lawyer. My husband is representing himself, but has obtained a lawyer, as ordered by the pre trial judge. My adoptive mother was addicted to prescription drugs, which she never
sought treatment for. I was raised to look after everyone else except myself. We have 3 lovely
adult children, a granddaughter & granddogs. Almost 2 years after leaving him, my breast cancer came back. He on the other hand brought his lady friend out in public 2 months after I left him. He had
introduced me to her the year before I left him.
Our divorce trial date is for May 2019, but may be delayed due to info I gave to my lawyer.
I so want to be done with this man once and for all. I have been listening to your radio programs on
utube. Do you have any advice that you would be willing to share with me?
Thank you! Melody
Great post! I totally agree. It sometimes feels like the easiest thing to do is give into the narcissist and do whatever they want. But in fact this has the effect of them having less and less respect for you. Once I identified that I was dating a narcissist, I realized that the best thing to is never try to explain yourself or get defensive. All this does is give them more information to feed off and they will attack, attack, attack. Things can get really bitter when trying to argue with a narcissist and they will never be able to understand or comprehend your point of view, or apologize. Once I knew this fact, I learnt to just give short answers and say “no” without any explanation. Ignoring a narcissist and not being reactive sends them wild, and sometimes it actually reveals their insecurities.
Outstanding. Right to the point describing my exact experience. I don’t have a severe NARC but in the very least he fights dirty and definitely when triggered uses narcissistic defense mechanisms. I’m out of the enmeshment stage through years and years of hard hard work….thank you for all you do with your writing — it really nails it here.
It’s my pleasure Yana,
And I’m so happy if this can help you.
Lots of love to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
My question is this: how are others signing up for and going through a 16 day process when they still live with their narcissist partner? Mine goes through my stuff, finds my hidden plans to leave but never confronts me so I just feel crazy, reads emails, journals, FB messages, and I’m fairly certain monitors my online activity with regard to sites and searches. Even posting this has me nervous. So how in the world are others watching videos and taking courses without ‘being caught’?
I ended a toxic friendship with a narcissist 3 years ago and recently after having a baby, they stalked and harassed me with a super flattering congratulations message. They got my new phone number somehow. And sent all these messages pressuring me to respond. My intuition could sense the manipulation and my fears didn’t know if I should or shouldn’t to have them leave me alone. That, combined from feedback from others that they probably meant well, led to my decision to say thank you. Of course they pressured me into getting together. I blocked them.
After that I felt bad, that perhaps they meant well and I was truly being too dramatic and fearful. I also I didn’t want to hurt the person or create conflict. I also wasn’t positive they’d leave me alone. So I called them to say again with as much kindness as possible hat I don’t want to reopen the friendship and that I wish them well. I even let myself become manipulated into staying their Facebook friend to make the situation seem less ugly; I was guilted from having them turn the tables on me and making me feel like I have no reason to leave them when they mean well.
The conversation went no where but sure enough they fried requested me. It made me sick to see it like what did I do, but I added them to keep my word. I restricted my privacy settings so they could not see pictures or my whereabouts which would in the past be a trigger for them to stalk, harass, and attack me for not doing things with them.
Sure enough they discovered somehow I restricted them and attacked me 8 hrs later saying that I’m immature for adding them without providing full access to my current stuff.
I responded that “I don’t need to justify my privacy settings or anything else. I don’t want communication. Please don’t contact me or my family.” I then blocked this person on all fronts. And they still kept trying to make contact but whatever.
My issue is that my intuition was right and I’m mad for ignoring it and sacrificing my own well being to enmesh with them because I cared about their feelings. It was such a passive and disempowered move. Then when I sent that message and went no contact, I felt like I was escaping something.
It does not feel as empowering as it did three years ago. I feel guilt now that I’ve released the fears around it, and wondered if I left in a way that was too cold. When I called I was so passive and wished them well so many times and now I was just like I’m done and calmly stood up for myself and left.
How do I recover knowing I ended things somewhat from a place of victimization. My whole efforts to make them feel better and avoid conflict by talking to them in the first place did not come from my Higher Self’s perspective and was inauthentic. The decision to leave is authentic, but I feel like I just left in response to an attack and didn’t put that “wish you well” seal on it. I guess I want them to know now that I don’t have hard feelings toward them and I thank them for being the catalyst to my change. Yet still don’t want to reopen things. When I’m not fearful and empowered see my role in it too, I wish I could have tried for a still assertive but yet softer exit.
If wondering about caveats in aus , on properties , you can do this yourself for a fee of a few hundred dollars , you don’t actually need a lawyer to do this …
Hi Melanie. Why can’t I seem to get any relief or healing? I’ve been searching for help/answers for TWENTY-FIVE years. Even within the context of narc abuse it seems I can get VERY little – if any – relief. I DARE not get married lest I am sub-consciously doomed to repeat her behaviour. My narc was my mother, not a partner or husband/wife. She executed her abuse VERY consciously and wilfully. And THEN she went to every length necessary to hide that behaviour from EVERYONE outside our immediately family – INCLUDING her own siblings and parents. That’s right – she CONSCIOUSLY and WILFULLY abused her power as a parent in FULL KNOWLEDGE her behaviour was destructive, and then ensured it was all kept a big secret inside our four walls. And yet I can’t find healing. Hell – I can’t even find empathy!! My voice was stolen and I STILL haven’t healed. I can’t even EXPLAIN it in a way that renders understanding from other human beings. I had been estranged from her for a number of years when she died about 18 months ago. There’s not one cell in my being that misses her or felt ANY loss when she died. Why can’t I heal..or FIND answers/healing? Thanks.
my neighbour is psychotic as he’ll really dumb a pathological liar using the narcissist playbook at me 24 7 non stop she plays the victim so well yet she’s driven me to suicide twice drives me crazy her family don’t want her to get help from a dr cos there pig ignorant and vain as hell I’ve tried to reason using logic n truth I haven’t responded to her for nearly 2 years yet she keeps on n on n on so fed up of it
I am the youngest child to a wealthy family of varying degrees of narcissistic personality disorders and depressive disorders
Family business lost most of their money in real estate bust 30 years ago . Father ‘s depression kicked in dementia /Alzheimer’s . Co-dependent, toxic narcissist mother dragged children in to Not only take care of father but most importantly her as father was always providing . Older brother /spouse and sister refused mother so I became caregiver . I’m the youngest and have no purpose/self esteem except to please narcissistic family who couldn’t careless . Meanwhile my real estate business, family life was requiring way more attention that I was willing to give as caregiving father and domineering mother was causing depression and revealing bipolar disorder that I obviously had but undiagnosed my entire life. Instead of helping me and providing compassion , all exploited my condition and used to their financial advantage . I attempted suicide and while I was recovering separated from all of them minus my own wife and children , I was framed, gaslit as to having embezzled millions of family assets which is logistically impossible but the narcissists make an excellent case by smearing me in my absence so I couldn’t defend myself
Older brother not quite as narcissistic as his covert narcissistic wife , had his own depression issues which weakened his narcissistic stance toward ruining his kid brothers life by framing him for his own embezzlement , felt intense shame and guilt and took his own life.
Even after a horrible tragedy and my attempt to stop the madness with narcissist family by dropping the swords and making amends if to only to grieve a death , the narcissists amped it up on me since they couldn’t feel any responsibility and now hold me 100% responsible for brothers suicide
Mother, whose 14th floor balcony was the chosen location for brothers suicidal jump/plunge, was heard to have said upon hearing that older brother was dead instead of me, “the wrong son jumped”
I have been trying to file suit against narcissists for fraud and breech of signed legal docs but also am trying to insert emotional abuse and distress. Unfortunately the legal system isn’t prepared to deal with narcissistic family members abuse as abuse at all. I would have to have been beaten or stabbed in order to prove this invisible crime
Wow, this is so powerful. In order to remember the steps that you gave us, I came up with a handy acronym that will help: INHALE
I – Ignore the narcissist (ie “treat as a non-being”)
N – Narp – heal up those gaps!
H – keep healing up those gaps, continuously throughout and after justice is reached
A- Act powerfully and with integrity (legal action etc)
L – Let go of the outcomes – it will be what it will be
E – Gather evidence and use it calmly, dispassionately to substantiate the truth
I am in the thick of it right now. Must remember to keep breathing, and this acronym and strategy will help tremendously. Thank you so much Mel, NARP truly is lifechanging and will help set me (and thousands of others) free, as well as bringing us into better alignment, harmony and service with the Universe. Now that’s real love. Thank you.
Hi Juliet,
thank you for your beautiful and such thoughtful message.
Many people are in the thick of it right now.
It is REAL love, and so much love to you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋