Narcissists know how to target, charm and ensnare people.
Soooo many of us, despite being smart, capable and even highly successful people in so many areas of our lives, were taken in.
And … so many of us shook our heads, threw our hands up into the air and exclaimed –
“WHY is this happening to me?!”
I was there, and I know you, more than likely, have been as well.
Why DIDN’T we see it coming?
How on earth did we let ourselves be BLED DRY of our time, energy, money, resources and health?
How was it possible that we stayed attached to these people who spoke to us, and treated us in the WORST ways we could ever imagine?
I promise you there are deeper REAL reasons for this, that are impossible for you to discover, learn and free yourself from … until you get deeper.
These things aren’t obvious or logical, and looking around in your outer life will not grant you any clues.
You will only discover them if you turn inwards to your inner landscape.
Which is exactly what today’s video is about – taking you on a journey inwards to identify the 5 traits that capable, lovely and intelligent can people have, making them easy and tasty targets for narcissistic predators.
Video Transcript
My work is always about empowering you so that you take your power back and become a force who is not susceptible to narcissists. This isn’t possible just by finding out information about them and staying clear of them. The truth is narcissists haven’t just infiltrated your life now, additional ones could turn up anywhere in your life.
There is a wonderful expression that I love, ‘When we are no longer afraid to walk under ladders, there will no longer be any ladders on our path.’ I want you to understand our job is NOT to look out for narcissists and avoid them. That would mean we can’t be out in life conjoined with living. It would mean you are afraid, on the lookout, shrinking, holding back and not being you.
And the worst thing of all is, you are dreading coming across another narcissist which is always a sure-fire way of getting involved with one again. Whereas, if you don’t give a crap about running into one and you are fully and powerfully yourself, it no longer even matters who is a narcissist or not.
People say to me “This person is undermining me at work. Are they a narcissist?” My response is “So what if they are? Lose your fear, show up, confront, be transparent and be powerfully yourself.”
Other people say, “My boyfriend does this to me, and I’m really scared that I’m dating another narcissist.” This is how I feel about that … I don’t care whether anyone’s boyfriend’s middle name is Satan or Stanley. What I care about and what you need to care about is, ‘What are your values?’ State them and be clear. Stand for them. If he can’t rise up to meet you at that level genuinely (and your body knows the truth on this when you see his actions and if the cycles keep repeating) leave and live your life aligned with these values. Then you will share a life with someone who is capable of delivering them.
Other people say, “The ex is being hell with co-parenting, and she is ripping me to shreds, how can I protect myself against this?” My answer to that is: “Do what you normally wouldn’t do. Release all fear from inside of you, stop trying to walk on broken glass, cut deals and appease her. Stand powerfully in truth and deliver it and create your truth for you and your kids no matter what she chooses to do or not do.”
Can you see that there is a theme here? It’s all about taking our focus OFF them and putting it firmly ON to changing the one person we have the power to change, which is ourselves. We are not going to change narcissists and unconscious people, but we sure as heck have the ability to change our part in this, which are the reasons why we are tolerating less than the life and treatment we were born to live. And, we can stop completely self-abandoning and self-avoiding everything that our inner being, the true guide to our life, is screaming at us.
We are going to do an exercise together, now, which is feeling some statements in your body. If it feels strong, real and warm in your body, it’s the truth. If it brings you anxiety, confusion and fear then its Wrong Town, it’s a false premise. If you want to heal from narcissistic abuse and empower yourself against them, you need to take this journey out of your head and into your body, asap, without exception.
Repeat this after me: “I am going to learn all I can about narcissists, look out for them, avoid them and stay safe from them.” How does that feel in your body?
Now say this statement, “I am going to heal and develop every part of me that hands power away whilst accepting painful relationships to try to get love, approval, security or survival. I declare I am going to heal and become my OWN true Source directly with My Higher Power and the healthy components of Life. Never again will I accept a False Source into my life.”
How does that feel in your body? I want you to really feel what is going on for you, inside you.
Please pause this video and post your response below, after feeling your answer.
In my book, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse, I share the nine main susceptibilities that I believe make us targets and food for narcissists. Today, I want to share with you 5 of these main susceptibilities. These are really big, and it’s not negotiable to ignore them if you want toxic people to stop hurting you.
#1 Unhealed Existing Trauma
A susceptibility is if you have already existing unhealed trauma from previous abuse. I know this has been the case for many of us, in fact all of us, until we clean it up.
Within our subconscious are the programs on every topic, as a literal powerplant manufacturing approximately 95% of our entire life by the time we are around 30 years of age (according to neuroscientist Bruce Lipton). If your Beingness is that of an unhealed abuse victim, you will unconsciously seek out and be with more of the same.
This is the way that our unhealed wounds get our attention, by projecting their energy out into The Field (Life) which then draws to us exactly the evidence of what is unhealed within us. The inner creates the outer always. And the outer is the manifestation in the seen world of Life and our soul in concert making conscious what has been unconscious, in the unseen world, so that we can go to it, release it, and live free of it.
Don’t we all know a person who has never done the inner work, and no matter how lovely they are, just keeps meeting their same patterns with a different face? I was one of these people too! Maybe that’s also your story.
#2 Lack of Boundaries
Point blank, if you self-abandon your inner being when you know you need to speak up, you will people please, go along with other people’s versions of life, and try to make the unhealthy deals of ‘giving to get’ (narcissists love cashing in on this) to try to get your needs met.
By not speaking your truth and living aligned with it, you have automatically positioned yourself as a victim to life, instead of a healthy generator of it. This was huge for all of us, handing our power away, going along, walking on broken glass and trying to have unhealthy people look after us, instead of looking after ourselves.
Like so many of us, I used to have total inner terror about saying my truth. I was deeply embodying the traumas of the fear of CRAP (criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment) and you can add to the A in there also the fear of annihilation. I literally couldn’t think straight or put two words together when I needed to look after me. I know so many of you are the same, and I promise you this makes us absolutely susceptible to narcissists.
Narcissists will push and nudge our boundaries bit by bit to see what they can get away with. And to our absolute distress, we discover our levels of tolerance to abuse are huge because of these unhealed previous traumas, and our inability to have healthy boundaries. Of course, we hope that someone else will look after them for us, but guess what? That doesn’t happen, we don’t get rocks to protect us, we get hammers that smash us until we heal and look after these boundaries ourselves. My NARP Program is all about healing and reversing these traumas, as well as all the ones that make us susceptible to narcissistic abuse.
#3 You Believe You Have to Earn Love and Approval
Narcissists can sniff this a mile away because it means they can twist it back on you and you will keep jumping through the hoops that get higher and higher trying to prove to the narcissist that you are a decent person who does have integrity.
Simultaneously the narcissist behaves atrociously getting away with all sorts, blaming you for it and you stay attached trying to change their idea about you, hoping they will finally treat you like a human being instead of like a piece of trash.
Can you see how twisted this is and how much it keeps us in the game? That is until we learn the vital Quantum lesson, so within so without, ‘the only person who needs to think well about me is me, and then all of life that is healthy will follow’. Meaning, ‘I won’t give a damn if someone else doesn’t, and I will easily attract and sustain relationships with people who mirror back what I already think about myself.’
The way we heal this one is to go back, find and release our original traumas (which NARP does) where we suffered conditional love, and felt like we weren’t worthy of love unless we made other people feel a certain way about us. In short, we may have never felt good enough to be loved, regardless of what we did or didn’t do for people. This is a terrible inner identity recipe to get hooked into narcissists.
#4 You Have a Heightened Need for Security
If you are over responsible and capable and need order, sensibility and security in your life, you may be used to cleaning up other people’s disasters and poor behaviour so that you can feel safe. The old original programs for this (which I promise you are underneath this incredibly painful co-dependent pattern) are things like: ‘You are sick and unhinged, but if I make you better, then I can survive.’
Can you see how dangerous this is with narcissists? If we are like this, we are like honey to toxic bees. We stay attached to them whilst they do all sorts of loose and unaccountable behaviour (narcissists are a law to themselves), and we go into overdrive trying to keep authorities from the door, the roof over our heads and the issues from escalating.
It’s not until we pull away and start healing this terrible compulsion within us that we stop doing that, hooking up with ridiculous out-of-control people, rather than generating our own solid, healthy life in co-creation with other real, genuine and healthy people.
#5 You Are Really Hard on Yourself
I want you to be very clear about this, that the following is an old and false platitude: ‘People treat us how we treat them.’ No, they don’t, they treat us how we treat ourselves!
It’s Quantum Law. There is no outside. If you treat yourself with criticism, disdain and contempt, that is how people will see you and relate to you too, especially the key people in your life.
Be clear, narcissists are narcissists. They behave like they do because of their unmet, unhealed inner trauma that they have no desire to resolve, and they are not magically going to be nice to you, once you heal your relationship with yourself.
Rather, you will no longer accept treatment from anyone beneath the level of love and support that you have established with yourself.
It’s like being a healthy person who no longer has any attraction to junk food. It’s just not you anymore. You just don’t choose it or participate. And you no longer kid yourself that a greasy burger is all of sudden going to become a healthy buffet. Narcissists will be firmly off your menu and really repulsive to you.
Can you see how cleaning these 5 susceptibilities up (there is so much more about this in my book as well) would change everything about your inner relationship code, which is who you are attracted to who, who finds you attractive and how you show up with people?
I promise you narcissists pick their targets. They sense and sniff out people who are people pleasers, stuck in previous traumas, hand their power way and are over responsible and acting out co-dependent fixer behaviours.
These are the people they can attach to, mine and abuse.
When you heal, uplevel and clean this up, not only will you become a boundary boss you will also be a radiant beast who has no fear of anyone anymore because you know all you have to do is be yourself! And, if that doesn’t fly with certain people, so be it! For every false door that closes, two true ones open, I promise you!
That is how spiritual, Quantum compensation works!
So, if this powerfully resonates with you, and I know with a lot of you it will, let’s get started… right here by connecting to my free 16-day deep inner healing course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more.
And, if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.
So, until next time, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
I have a dad who’s a narcissist. And it’s been really hard breaking free. I feel like when I make progress everything comes tumbling down again. I’m risking my relationships with family who wants everyone to be happy and together when all I want to do is be my free self without his abuse. I’m working on getting a job so at least I won’t depend on him financially or for a roof over my head. Idk but I keep losing the tapes I bought on my computer to do the body work. I love these videos and they have been helping me with a thrivers life and have met wonderful people through this process.
Hi P N,
Are you talking about the NARP Modules to do the inner work?
If so please contact [email protected] so that one of my lovely team can track your order and resend them to you.
Getting set up and working the healings will help you so much in getting free within and without of your situation with your father.
It will be awesome for you to take this from the informational level of healing to the powerful inner transformational level.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I love seeing Tiggy in the video. I realized through this video, I can get rid of the fear of attracting another narcissist by doing the modules. Module 8 is my favorite. Thank you for helping me see that if I just live from within myself I will have the tools to recognize unhealthy people and move along.
This was very powerful for me Melanie, you are teaching me incredible tools too heal from all my trauma
What utterly valuable work you are doing, Melanie. One of the contributory factors to the quality of my life! xxxx
Awwww Meg,
Thank you Dear Lady and I’m so pleased I can help!
Many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I love seeing Tiggy in the video. I realized through this video, I can get rid of the fear of attracting another narcissist by doing the modules. Module 8 is my favorite. Thank you for helping me see that if I just live from within myself I will have the tools to recognize unhealthy people and move along.
You’re The Best! Thank You!
Awww Mary,
Mwah and hugs!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It feels clean clear and amazing…
That’s brilliant Andrea!
Power to you Dear Lady!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I love how your cat was doing the exercises with you! Now and then looking up at you and then going into cat Zen world. We could learn a lot from Cats!
My orange longhair tabby is kinda deaf now- But when he hears me talking on the phone or the vibrations of it -he comes over to sit on my lap. OK I’m going back to the video to listen further
Hi Kathleen,
I so agree that animals are some of our most incredible teachers.
Much love to you and you kitty!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It feels clear and RIGHT. I feel strong(er). I am facing making a change to a relationship right now – talk was scheduled for tonight, but partner (N?) changed plans again. I am scared, and still negotiating a bit, but the message that is getting thru is: whether or not my person is diagnosable in any way, the important part is how the behaviour makes me feel. It does not feel good. It feels like I am receiving abuse. Thank you for your work.
Hi J.D.,
Oh gosh that is so the truth.
There is no comparison to living a life aligned with people who represent your values and with those who don’t.
Your body tells you and we need to choose our truth.
Sending power, healing and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It was interesting to do that exercise. When repeating the statement that begins with learning all one can about narcissists, my body felt like there was tangled up string in it’s got. It didn’t feel right. When I repeated the affirmations, those felt very clear to me. I like to the clarity.
Hi MaryAnn,
That is wonderful that you connected to the truth …
How outer focus equals power handed away, and how inner focus equals power taken back.
Much Love to you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The first statement made me feel stuck, like I’m hitting up against a brick wall with my life. The second statement made me feel more relaxed and less anxious. Sticking with it! On Module 3.
Hi Kim,
Awesome … power to you!
Great that you are working with NARP!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I must say, I had to crack up with laughter with Tiggy’s number, I love that cat. Considering laughter is an important part of healing, I wouldn’t underestimate the major role he has in this.
On another note, I opened this mail because for the first time in a long time it didn’t have the word narcissist in it. In my recovery I’ve realized how many times we are still making it all about the narcissist.
In retrospective, I did see it comming, even though I didn’t want to admit it, for that was my worst fear, so I kept pushing it aside until I could no more.
Also for those of us who have been brought up in this since childhood (parents, siblings), and know no better, that is our familiar ground, we are fixers, healers, and multi-task (whatever is needed) in order to survive, so we are bounded to this for life. Our intelligence is way above average, but only speaking of cognitive type, for emotional intelligence is a total different kind, of which we have non, specially in cases like mine were I have known no other.
After a major blow up with my latest partner in life I’ve come home to re-live it all over again with family members (what I went running away from in the first place).
No matter how much I’ve learned about it, I am still being their best snack.
I just watched your interview with Cristine Northrup as well and I admire you Melanie and Cristine and anyone else for that matter who put themselves on the line for empowering people like us, like Cristine was saying, in other days we were the ones considered the nut case, at last we are able to speak up and call them for what they are, people who lack morals and ethics and would go to any length to make us look bad.
My sincere respect to you
Hi Sonia,
He is hilarious! You should see the things on MTE bloopers that never make Thriver TV!
I agree that the true goal is to be living a life where narcissists are not a part of it.
I was creating an interview with Jeanine Staples today, and we were saying how narcissists are not in our life anywhere anymore.
I so firmly believe that when we have released enough of the trauma within that was causing us to hand over power and dim down and codependently be sourcing, that it does all end.
For me it was about getting rid of the trauma in my body generating that rather than trying to survive it and manage my life with it.
I wish that level of breakthrough for everyone including you.
Sending love and blessings to you Sonia.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie
I never knew what I was actually dealing with, with my ex. You gave it a name, showed me the traits he possessed and the more i read from you: I now can accept: it was not me, but the narsassist I married. Your one article on a narsasis in the court room mirrored my exact experience with the narsassis ex. You gave me the ability and strength to act as my own legal counsel during my awful 6 day divorce trial:
Who the better one to show a judge the cruelty, and silent abuse, and blaming first hand, but I. I used your principles and his true self emerged a full force narsistic melt down! I used your principles and was fully prepared to call the ex out in court, to be the liar and narsisiis he is. It was amazing to see his reaction when the power was taken from him, how much your principles have helped me over the past 3 years! Your amazing and insightful. You gave me my power back, to give him the boot, now to work on me and the whys. I am buying your book for sure.
Hi Janet,
That is awesome that you anchored into cutting off his supply and connecting to your own truth and power.
No narcissist can mine and manipulate when that happens. Hence the unravelling.
Thank you for sharing this story and being such an inspiration to this Community.
So much love and continued blessings to you Janet.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi!
Thank you very much for your videos!
I just today recognized that I no longer want to be that strong lady, that overcome all things with no flexibility and love. I feel that I want to be mild and alive, with emotions and so on. Today my outer world had show me that I am too strong to myself and I punish myself with ignorance. And I made a commitment to myself and say to myself as you suggest – I will deal with this later, I do very well. Like self support. And this idea, that I punish somehow myself came after I did this promise.
It is sooo big and meaningful, what you do for us!
I just yesterday made 1. module. And feel like layers and layers should be healed.
I am on the start of my healing journey. And I start to recognize my peptide addiction cycles.
“Lose your fear, show up, confront, be transparent and be powerfully yourself” – it is like mantra for me 🙂
I recognized all 5 susceptibilities in me. And 5th just resonated with me today the most – I am hard to myself – and other treat me the same. And it is pain and trauma to be released.
Thank you!
Aww Tigre,
I love what you have written here!
Blessed be beautiful, you are soooo on your way to your True You!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
May God bless you Melinie. Your advise is sound. It has helped me a lot. I really believe that narssicists are seriously mentally ill people that prey on good vulrrnable innocent people. They can’t be helped. I believe they are what the Bible calls reprobate minds. Only God can heal and deliver them from this. Thanks for your help and support. David
Hi David,
You are very welcome and thank you for your comment.
Many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi!
My answers:
“I am going to learn all I can about narcissists, look out for them, avoid them and stay safe from them.” How does that feel in your body?
Rotten!! I profoundly understood, if I would do that: Then I give all my power to them! Then my life circulates around them, then I am focused on them, my life is shrinking and limited, it is entirely controlled with fear and the n’s. I basically donate my entire life to those unconscious creatures. That’s no way to live!
I never saw this so clearly. Gosh this is powerful! 🙂
Now say this statement, “I am going to heal and develop every part of me that hands power away whilst accepting painful relationships to try to get love, approval, security or survival. I declare I am going to heal and become my OWN true Source directly with My Higher Power and the healthy components of Life. Never again will I accept a False Source into my life.”
My hands started to shake, tears almost came into my eyes, but it was a positive reaction. I just thought that whatever my parents, the n, any exes, made me feel about myself or what they did or didn’t…f**k that! I’m awesome and whole and good as I am, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, I don’t need constant or any validation from them, they don’t determine how valuable I and my existence is etc. So that statement made me feel whole, inner peace.
Hi Julia,
Bingo! Power to you beautiful lady.
So pleased that you had this shift into cellular truth.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Your words are so true ,I could hug you for this, I don;t know what energy synchronises this
but where I am finding myself lately is
exactly having no other option than confronting , daring to be honest and finding myself with these
“truthturningitallaroundbecausewearepowerfullbeyondmeasurewakingandshakingupintotwherethelightgetsin-cracks”.
We may heal beyond understanding and just be
🙂
Thank you ,
love&respect,
<3
Boudewien
Hi Boudewien,
So much love and respect to you. I feel so much joy that you are powerfully resonating with this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie, Thank you so much for everything you do. I look at your instagrams daily as well as your blogs and they really do help me in the moment. But I have been struggling. I have done NARP but then I get so swept up with life and work and I stop for a while and don’t do it consistently. I sometimes get so triggered (I have 2 teenagers who spend a lot of time with their dad. He is charming to them but still so covertly abusive to me) and they are so confused by it all. He plays a good game and I sometimes feel so powerless still. I have finally managed to get away for my first holiday in ages and I am in Thailand. I want so much to use this time to do some NARPING. Is there anything I can do specifically? I still feel so stuck at times (although my sister says I don’t recognise how far I have come). I can relate to all the 5 traits above. I sometimes feel like I will always now be alone. That thoughts saddens me. And the N has told me many times I will miserable and on my own for ever. He is on holiday with his girlfriend (this week) to a place where he took me and that really triggered me too. I was with him for 22 years and I sometimes don’t think I’ll ever get over the swift discard and replacement and the escalating abuse. I try to keep a sense of normality with the teenagers but it just feels like he got away with it all. This doesn’t make me sound very evolved does it? Is there anything you could recommend whilst I am in Thailand and can use the next few days before I return to London and a busy business. I was thinking of doing the GOAL setting module but don’t know what goal to set. You are amazing. This experience has been so deeply confusing and I can’t imagine how i would have got this far without your help. Bertie xx
Dear Bertie,
It’s so very confusing and sometimes you must feel so full of doubt whether you’re gonna make it . I am not an expert to give you the best solution but I am a co NARP-er and You ARE very evolving .please, trust me ,
It’s so true It’s a hard but very courageous road you’re taking and the way you sound , sounds you are aware of it all. Your doubts are so human and they will bring you what you’re inner you and your soul is asking for . Tanks to Melanie
Sometimes the words that ‘the Universe, or God, asks me to trust , because he, they have a plan for me ‘ Helped me through the hardest moments .
When I get instantly triggered I usually get relief with module 1 the short version , It brings immediate relief . And as far it is all the pain and injustice and cruelty you feel from your ex concerned , I got much out of Module 4 . you know , a lot of traumas inside of us we are not aware of unfortunately take a lot of time to heal from . and there’s no other way than trying and trusting this journey .There’s no turning back. I hope it doesn’t sound too hard .and ..
I do hope you you can hold onto NARP . It really works . please have faith
I Wish you much strength and love,
The goalsetting module I leave up to Melanie . She might give you the right words in this very moment.
I’ll light a candle
bye
Boudewien
Thank you so much Boudewien, that is encouraging and helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. I will try module 4 again as I think I just have more to shift. Best wishes to you, Bertie
Hi Bertie,
Oh yes it is sooooo much about turning inwards and healing it all from the inside out.
It feels to me that you have limiting beliefs blocking your healing process that can be addressed with NARP.
Are you able to come into the NARP Forum so that we can help you?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
That is my greatest suggestion for you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am sooooooo ready for this and so excited. I was married to a narcissist for 24+ years, together just over 25. He left last December. Eighteen years ago, just three days before my one and only child, a daughter, was born, I went to a psychotherapist really as a crying out … What the heck is going on in my life? It was the one and only time with this psychotherapist, and it was a male instead of the female that I was supposed to meet that day on a crisis basis, but there was a mix-up in scheduling, so I took the appointment in desperation. In that short hour, explaining some of our problems, he simply said, “It sounds like he has a narcissistic personality disorder.” Um … what?! I had no idea what that was, nor was I ready to face it. I mean, I was 35, had suffered three miscarriages, was a Christian, had a first husband who left me for another woman (though, not a narcissist) after six years of marriage so I did not want a second marriage to fail, and was about to have my first child that I had tried for three years to have after suffering through the heartache of three losses.
Fast forward 25 years, after much emotional abuse, rage, and manipulative control, being married to the CRUELEST man I have ever known … who literally almost drained my sanity, causing me to feel crazy, and certainly drained us financially and in every other way, BUT never stole my core of joy, I said ENOUGH! His continual anger, devastating rages, and cruelty had escalated to the point where I finally realized I was never going to be “good enough” for him, as he would always change the standards for what I needed to understand he needed. Obviously, so much more I could share, but I sent him on his merry way, actually helping him find the former “love of his life” whom he lived with 35 years ago. He subsequently went to her and stayed with her for six months, and she sent him on his merry way, realizing she was ready to jump out of the window after two months with him, wondering how in the world I did it for 25 years! (I guess I am a narcissist’s dream target!). Indeed, I actually prayed she would realize this, after thinking she was still in love with this man from 35 years ago; I knew I would never wish my now ex-husband upon anyone.
Anyway, it was not until about three weeks ago, I started to look up what the definition of a narcissist, and boy, oh boy, I realized I was married to a malignant, covert narcissist who devalued me and attacked my feelings of capability. (Oh, yes, I was also the woman he could not live without, the most “beautiful woman in the world,” he was desperately in love with me, blah, blah, blah). My initiation to research on the subject of narcissism brought me to a low state, facing the reality of it all. This new status/label to me was seemingly a notch higher on the rung of abuse to me, not simply emotional abuse (and I am not diminishing the effects of that), but something truly dark, malevolent, and pathological that I had endured. I had attempted six months ago to look up what types of women get involved with narcissists, but it was just too painful to read much further than an article or two. For one week I felt very low, helpless, and hopeless thinking I would be forever damaged and it would take years of therapy to learn coping skills and maybe get well. But then I really started to dive in to the research and found on article on “Signs You Have Been Abused by a Narcissist,” written by a psychotherapist, and as I was reading, I welled up with tears, experiencing a sense of relief placing a name to the extreme ugly abuse that I had suffered, and releasing some of the pain that resulted from that extreme abuse. AND … for the first time, I decided I WAS NOT GOING TO MINIMIZE THE ABUSE that I suffered (nor excuse it because of his justification that he was so “damaged”) all of those years, as I wanted to claim it, but also in that realization, I did not want to remain a victim of it. Truly, I wanted to wad up all the tragedy, hurt, and painful memories, as if in a paper ball, and simply devour it! I felt empowered for the first time ever at the possibility of healing! I wanted to look forward and not back, and be a victor not a victim.
Prior to this new finding, a friend had tried to encourage me, saying, “Oh, that is all in the past now. You do not have to deal with that stuff anymore. Just look ahead.” While I realize, he was probably doing his best to encourage me, he unknowingly trivialized what I went through, and that was troubling. I knew I could not simply “never look back” without dealing with it, but did not want to want that to become a lifelong process that would cripple me, causing me to “live there” and remain a victim. I wanted to be an over-comer, and SOONER rather than later. I wanted to take on the day and get this healing done!! Was that a fantasy? Well, I didn’t know, but I researched further and somehow happened upon your website, Melanie, and I thank the Lord I did! It represents FREEDOM. The more I have gone through your daily emails, and now this video, I am convinced you will take me to a place of healing, empowering, boundary setting, and joy like never before. How does this video make me feel?!! Ecstatic!! I believe you when you say I will become a THRIVER.
Prior to this, what scared me when I was in the doldrums was someone whom I respect said, “You need to figure out what is wrong with you that you would endure this.” It was almost like a life sentence, as if she was saying, “Girl, you need serious therapy.” But look at me … I still am a woman full of joy, though struggle with bouts of questioning my CAPABILITY. Matter of fact, that is my target word: capable. That is the one thing that I know was attacked most in my marriage, but was it all due to my narcissistic husband? No. I realize this existed prior to him, but was certainly damaged far deeper than it had ever been by living with him for 25 years. Yet I am a high achiever. I am loved. People see me as walking joy. And I realized I am still lovable, I really am capable (I need to believe that and that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”), and I truly want to discover those things in myself that need to be completed for my walk in newness of life, away from the narcissist, so I can believe who I am in Christ and what the Lord fully intends me to be as His creation.
Melanie, I believe with all my heart that your program is going to be the key to wipe out all the lies and heal me from the wounds, help me to get past all of the things I went through that keep coming to my mind, wherein I connect the dots and dispel the notion that all of those events were “my fault” because I was “the worst wife ever,” etc., and I was the reason for his bad behavior. I look forward to no longer questioning my sanity, feeling guilty for having endured so long and causing my child to only know this insanity, doubting myself constantly, speaking poorly about myself, and being confused. This clarity is the beginning of my freedom.
And, finally, one of the greatest realizations coming out of this, I realized I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT A WEAK PERSON. I AM AN AMAZING SURVIVOR! Though I was trapped in a web of the most cunning manipulative tactics by an extremely bright yet cruel man, causing me to live in an extreme state of confusion as he fed his need for narcissistic supply through these use of these tactics, with me essentially taking on his mental disorder as he finger pointed and blamed me for everything, causing me to live in a constant state of confusion and lack of clarity to make sense of my world, HE DID NOT CRUSH ME TO THE POINT OF COMPLETE DESPAIR. I CAME OUT WITH JOY AND HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AND MY PHYSICAL HEALTH INTACT! PRAISE GOD! I THANK THE LORD, MY SUSTAINER! No, my ex did not take JOY and HOPE from me. My mental health … well, it is definitely a tad tarnished, but I know that can be polished, and I will use my experience for the good as the Lord has refined me through it and I know there has been great gain from it, as this enduring pain has brought me closer to the Lord as I had to depend on Him through it all.
So what may have been perceived by any onlooker as weakness, could never be understood by one who is not under the thumb of a controlling, abusive, calculating, manipulative narcissist! No, I am not weak. I AM STRONG. I SURVIVED. No, I am not incapable. I AM CAPABLE and know I am now empowered to heal. Yep, I WAS the perfect target for a narcissist because I believe the best in people, and I still do, which I think is wonderful. However, now, I will take that positive outlook and refine it for my good and for God’s glory as I move forward and heal, getting the most out of this life. I know the best is yet to come!! Thank you, Melanie! I look forward to purchasing you program and beginning this new journey.
This video? Your emails? How do they make me feel? JOYOUS. FULL OF EXCITEMENT. READY TO HEAL FULLY. I LOOK FORWARD WITH GREAT EXPECTATION TOWARD MY FUTURE THAT THE BEST IS YET TO COME. THIS IS A NEW LIFE. THERE WILL BE BEAUTY FROM ALL THE ASHES AND I WILL CONTINUE TO RISE.
Thank you. May the Lord bless you greatly as you continue to bring freedom to the lives of others, Melanie.
Hi Linda,
That’s so wonderful that you are ready to heal, and NARP is going to make a big difference to your healing journey.
Myself and the entire Thriver community look forward to supporting you and your breakthrough.
Lots of love and blessings.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you, Melanie!! I am so excited. I am going to work through the introductory stuff you sent and then start the actual program. What you have offered already has brought so much clarity! I am simply amazed!! I am so ready for this.
Awww Linda,
Bless! It is your time Dear Lady!
I am so excited for you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi,
I want to say something funny about this:
‘When we are no longer afraid to walk under ladders, there will no longer be any ladders on our path.’
It’s so true! There was a time when coupled people really irritated me. I was lonely, when I went to super market and saw happy couples doing shopping, I felt myself an outsider, freak old maid, inferior, ridiculous, unwanted. I almost started to avoid super markets at certain times. Then I really focused on this issue and cleared it. It is hilarious, that this was about 3-4 years ago, and ever since I haven’t seen any shopping couples anymore, no matter what time of they day it is! Once I even was standing in the queue and behind me was standing about six or seven single men!! (of course I can’t know whether they were single, but at least at that moment they were uncoupled). So funny!
“‘People treat us how we treat them.’ No, they don’t, they treat us how we treat ourselves!”
This might be true when we are adults, but I was abused in childhood when I was about 5-10 years old, which probably is why I have been a n magnet as an adult. So I don’t know how true your statement is re.children. I was just a child, I wasn’t “treating” myself in anyway, children do not even think/understand such concept. This statement made me feel somehow as if I deserved to be abused/punished etc. as a child, that I caused it, that it was my fault/responsibility…ironically this just IS then wounding!
“Narcissists will be firmly off your menu and really repulsive to you.”
This is quite a difficult one. I think after all this healing work I’ve done, if I’d meet a new n or anyone weirdo, I can easily detach and do not continue or start a relationship. But re. this old, ex n, it’s so much more difficult, because I know him personally. I think not all is trauma bonding etc., I think also biological stuff happens, like when you hug or have sex with a man, so that kind of a bond can also form…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see him as “repulsive”, it’s not realistic or even necessary I think. My goal is to see him as a total neutral person, someone who belongs to my past and has made a big impact on me. For sure 🙂 But it’s all okay and I’m at peace at this “level”.
“Rather, you will no longer accept treatment from anyone beneath the level of love and support that you have established with yourself.”
This is a really tall order!! Probably something that’s not going to happen overnight? 🙂 But I’ll keep working on it, day by day…
Hi Anna,
It is so powerful when we target a trauma and clear it that the evidence of it outside of us melts away, just as the trauma inside us did.
Love that!
Absolutely as children we had no choice. Whether we were parented by narcissists, codependents, emotionally unavailable or conditionally loving parents (usually a combinations of all of these things) we grew up unable to establish a firm inner identity that is self loving and whole and is healthily sourcing through out Higher Power and healthy components of life.
Rather, from this empty inner place we try to win love and approval through giving (codependency) where we will always come up empty, or a person could take on the narcissistic model of taking energy via the vehicle of the False Self.
It’s our job as adults to heal our inner childhood fractures that were passed on by those who had their own fractures, defences and coping mechanisms, in order to become whole and healthy … changing paradigms for ourselves and future generations.
That’s what my Thriver Healing process (NARP) is all about.
Re the next point … I truly believe, as an uplevelled Thriver who has found and released the traumas in my body that were hooking me into ex narcissists I simultaneously feel ‘repulsion’ in that there is no way I would choose to be in their company having to organise my self around their disorder to survive. That feels totally repulsive and ‘Wrong Town’ to me after knowing the distinct difference that True Life is and no longer having the painful childhood traumas in repeat with these people …. and I also feel, soul to soul, incredible joy and gratitude that these people brought me to my knees to be released into my True Life.
These are my takes on these …
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This was such a good refresher! Thanks for leading the way Melanie!
Hi Resilient,
It’s my pleasure and lovely to hear from you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The first statement felt scary. The second statement exciting a feeling of ownership. I loved Tiggys antics. ..his little face …adorable. .I really got your words and no longer feel terrified..I feel big changes are a coming. ..God bless you Melanie for the amazing work you have been called to do. A THOUSAND THANK YOUS X
Hi Lorraine,
That’s great that you felt those statements so accurately.
How beautiful Looraine that you sre rising up to Thrive!
Please know how welcome you are and so much love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel
I felt into both statement’s and the first one felt really anoxious inside but then the second one felt overwhelming and hard to accept as if my inner being is totally shut down. I have been suffering extreme depression for about two years now. Everything feels like a job not joy and I can’t wake up in the mornings often. I have hit 41 and I feel like it’s game over there is just nothing left. I bought the narp and want to do it but my energy levels almost won’t allow me to do the work. I am taking anti anxiety med and see a therapist but feel like I am a dead body walking around.
Thank you
Donna
Hi Donna,
Have you connected into the NARP Forum for support and suggestions http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?
That is my most loving suggestion for you.
I hear you Dear Lady I truly have been there myself feeling like there is no way out.
Sweetheart truly it is by releasing and getting the internal trauma out that we can start to get well.
I truly don’t know of any other way, which is what NARP does for us.
Sending strength, hope, hugs and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel,
I couldn´t repeat the first statement, it wasn´t possible and so glad there was another following.
Since May I am reading your post and watching your videos. I live my whole life (55years) with narc. people. But now is something changing inside me. Even my english is poor, I understand the message and it is so important to me, not only to be a surviver, no I want thrive, to flourish. I want to be healed and at the first time of my life i feel love and compassion to myself. I
Thank you so much for your great work!
And i really love your sweet Cat, I have three and they are so special to me.
Blessings to you
Eli
Hi Eli,
I love that you are aligned with wishing to flourish and be a Thriver.
Much love to you and your beautiful cats!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I mel,
Love all your work! Love to order your book, but can not make the formula go through
to the order. It jumps off at the adress…..any other way I can order it?
Hi Helle,
I am so pleased you love my work!
If you email [email protected] one of my lovely support team may be able to help.
Many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Just started watching your videos and seeking some other resource help, following considerable self inner healing and guidance from my higher self and guides etc.
I’m feel alittle stuck with how to deal with my mother’s triangulation and projecting my bad parenting upon my children that came from her that I’m trying everyday to heal from. Because she hasn’t healed she is compensating with now attempting to bond with my eldest daughter that she has decided she’s better at parenting. I have spoken to my mum several times about my healing and why I have taken up the healing path, and spoken to her about appreciating the parenting she was able to give me, and distancing myself from the relationship that’s unhealthy, but this has had an effect on my relationship with my eldest because of this. Similar to abandonment but I feel it been manipulated. Do you do one on one appointments at all? Thanks
Hi Michelle,
I understand your difficult predicament, and it’s tricky because it is virtually impossible for us to make these people ‘get it’ and in the case of your daughter, even influence her choices or how she chooses to feel.
Our true power lies in healing the trauma on how we ‘feel’ about certain events and then we can show up in a whole new way generating completely different outcomes.
We also see a major shift in The Field (outside of ourselves) that reflects the change we have produced in our own inner being.
My highest suggestion to you, to do this inner work is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I do personal sessions, and you may find out more about them by emailing [email protected]
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I felt anxious when I said I would learn and look for narcists….
Calmer ….when I said I would be my higher power
… focus on me
I am not at peace, but trying hard….. I went from genuinely suicidal in August….. to trying to find reasons to live…… For me this is extra hard as I am told I am terminally ill, and my then 3 year partner upon my diagnosis of IBC in Jan. wanted to get married…. later in June….I found out she had shortly thereafter tried to seduce a roommate, signed up on multiple dating apps and was meeting …….all the while I was barely surviving chemotherapy.
I got betrayed and soon abandoned, literally when I needed her so much…..
And …….. I chased after her pleading and begging, and to be honest find myself calling from payphones in the illusive hope she will talk to be …care about me.
The calls are always a mistake…. hearing her say things like your just jealous my girlfriend has boobs ( 5 days before my radical masectomy she told me her feelings had changed, she had fallen out of love and had no love for me )…… so the Oct comment was a reference to my July surgery
And still……. I hurt and still want her to come back
She wants no contact….. It’s me who tries
So terminal cancer diagnosis… and me, focused on my wife betraying me, dumping me, mocking me on a constant……
I don’t know if I am just a hard case …. but release is very hard…….. healing seems impossible………….
just easying the suffering, even just a little …….
is why I am here, in the Thriver network…….
Trying …… and appreciateing you
Hi Julie,
That is great that you felt the difference in your body.
Awww Julie, I am so sorry you have been through so much. My heart goes out to you.
Julie have you come into one of my free webinars to experience a release with Quanta Freedom Healing?
It helps us so much to ‘let go’ of what hurts.
I’d so love you to http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
If you are already working with Quanta Freedom Healing please come into the NARP Forum so that we can help support you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I would dearly like to pull on the power of this healing community to help you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
I’ve been doing Quanta Healing now for over a year.
I spend a lot of time in Module One and just keep clearing and healing and thriving…to the point where troublesome people at work leave the company, my neighbors are nicer, I’ve found a wonderful community of learners in my adopted hometown after feeling adrift for so long, little kids wave at me in airports, seeing eye dogs run up to me to say hello even when they are “working” (not for long though, I promise!)…I could go on. 🙂
And yes, I’ve found people that I can have good intentions towards, and it is reciprocated. And I’m going slowly with that…as is best for me. I really am understanding how things feel in my body and more about how trust builds, grows, and is retained. And I can spot/feel an unhinged person very, very quickly. It’s that feeling of being “trespassed upon” with the annoyance and wariness that comes with such an imposition. Instead of going on autopilot to fix them, I can just smile inwardly and move on. Not interested, not fascinated, thank you very much.
A big huge Thank YOU to you and {{{Tiggy}}}.
Awwww Ali,
That is so wonderful you have purposefully healed so much in your inner world and your outer world has followed.
Big hugs and love from myself and Tiggy beautiful lady!
It’s lovely to hear from you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d without a doubt donate to this brilliant blog!
I suppose for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
I look forward to new updates and will talk about this site with my Facebook group.
Talk soon!
I really want to thank you for putting this resource together.
It only took me 12 years to figure out what was really going on with my wife. The narc traits started to reveal themselves near the end of her pregnancy. Basically the esteem bucket was empty once she realized that pregnancy was no longer fun. So, I wrote them off as a hormone issues. Well, the ups and downs would continue. I would ask is this PTSD? as the years past with the emotional ups and downs, love bombing, devaluation, ect. … I narrowed it down to possibility of a mild bipolar issue, commanly known and Cyclithmia. This diagnosis did not quite fit the bill. I knew something was up but I could not put a finger on it. The cyclic nature of narcissism is actually how I honed in the word Narcissism.
Once I learned what it truly means to be a narc everything made since. The last week has been really tough as I realized my entire marriage was nothing more than a one sided co-existence.
We were fresh out of college when we got together. As I grew emotionally I noticed she was not growing with me. I noticed that was I not able to connect to her. She was unable accept who she she was at the core. Everything was nothing more than facade of what she wanted us to believe.
Now that I have learned the true nature of what I am dealing with, I am having trouble keeping that secret. I so badly want to throw it on her face. It’s like having a royal flush knowing that you will get shot if you play it. So.. I am now a cammilian trying survive long enough to get my s%#t together before I leave. It’s really hard to be nice to someone that has been lying and manipulative for over a decade.
I will be strong.
I am the better person
I must get out to save my sanity
I will meet people who appreciate who I am rather than what they can get from me.
One day at a time and I will survive.
Hi Mr.P,
You’re so welcome, and I am so pleased you are unravelling this and on your way to clarity, freedom and healing.
Please know that you don’t have to do this alone, and there are many men in our incredible community working on their Thriver Recovery here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending power and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie! I truly enjoy your videos and have learned so much from your work! You have wonderful energy and feel your are genuine about your work. I had to laugh about your cat, Tiggy! Especially when you told him not to show his bum hole. Cracked me up. And you can tell he resonated with your statements in the video. If you watch him he stops and takes it in! Love it! Thank you for everything!!
Awww Kelly,
Thank you for your comment and lovely words!
Tiggy is very wise as well as hilarious – that is so true.
Thrive On Lovely Lady!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I just saw this today, but I noticed the comments were from last November so I’m a little late for the comment section. No matter because your points are still valid no matter when someone reads them.
For myself, I’m really tired of people who say they care about you and then treat you like a doormat. Actions speak louder than words. Putting up with it for whatever reason is definitely our own fault. I think that a lot of the time our anger is more at ourselves for letting ourselves be used and abused than it is at the people who did us harm. That was #2 on your list about not setting boundaries.
I find that narcissists have a way of twisting everything you say to try to make you feel inferior. I know it makes me angry. I had one narsissist tell me that I was too old fashioned and that I HAD to change. Basically I told him it would be a cold day in hell. I like the way I am. After living in hell for the last few years I feel like I’m getting back to my old self. A lot older and poorer, but finding my stronger self.
You’re absolutely right that it’s your opinion of yourself that matters and you should never take the opinion of people who are out to use and abuse you. They’re not happy unless they are destroying other people’s lives. It must be because of how really worthless they feel and they want to take everybody down with them. Personally I don’t care what their reasons are as long as they stay out of my life.
Thanks for another great article.
It feels like a relieve but at the same time I can sense the profoundness of my trauma. I feel dizzy headed and heavy at the same time. At the same time I feel sad and angry I was forced to survive that way. It makes me want to cry. But it all makes so much sense and it’s a new way to think so it will take me time.