Abandonment is the devastating outcome to practically all relationships with a narcissist.
And it is a cruel weapon they use against you especially when you need them most. In a healthy relationship people support and care for you when you need them most – not with a narcissist.
Let me share with you some very clear and common examples of how you can be abandoned, abused, and ultimately betrayed by a parasitical individual who is only ever looking for a self-serving payoff. I’m sure that more than one of these scenarios will sound familiar to you.
Plus, in this week’s Thriver TV video I explain why the narcissist is NEVER going to supply your needs in a genuine, durable way. I also help you get clear on how you can completely get past watching them walk out the door despite feeling highly traumatised and reeling from their cruelty exactly when you need them most.
I promise you, once you open your heart to this new understanding you will never accept this horrific treatment again!
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about how narcissists abandon you when you need them the most, and how devastating it is.
So let’s dive straight into some examples of this. You’re feeling poorly and the narcissist ignores this, and tells you everything that is wrong with them, and then demands your attention. I know you’ve had that happen.
Or maybe you have had a friend, or a boss turn on you, or a family member, or something horrible has happened, and the narcissist gets angry with you and blames you, or even agrees with whomever is hurting you.
Maybe you’ve suffered a terrible shock or a loss in your life to do with a loved one or your job or a pet, and the narcissist is not supportive and even attacks you and blames you for it.
Maybe you’ve just received a terrible medical diagnosis, and rather than the narcissist be by your side as your family member or your carer or your partner or your spouse, they attack or ignore you and completely pull away. They may even disappear.
And heaven forbid, if you get any attention from other people, the narcissist will discredit you and them and try to come between this in some way.
Could there be anything more traumatic and painful than being abandoned and abused by somebody who you would think should support you when you need them the most? It really is one of the most ultimate times of outright betrayal.
Why Narcissists Don’t Support You When You Need Them The Most
So why is it that narcissists don’t support you when you need them? With a narcissist, they are the parasite, literally, and you are the host. You are in their life for them to extract energy, resources, attention, and stuff from you.
The relationship to them was never about them granting energy, love, care, and support to you. Narcissists are a No Self. This is the truth about them. They have self-divorced their Inner Being, and they’ve created a fictitious False Self in its place. And that’s the lens that they’re living through. That’s their life.
This self that they’ve created as themselves is a pumped up ego. In reality, it’s paper thin. It’s incredibly insecure, and it needs constant attention and feeding to maintain itself. So the narcissist, quite simply, has got no inner resources, no real good stuff, or self-maintained and created energy to hand out to others. There’s nobody home there.
The narcissist is always on the hunt for energy from outside of themselves, otherwise known as narcissistic supply, to self-regulate their necessary superiority, and they don’t have the resources to give out to others.
There’s a little bit there, which they can use as a tool to get a payoff, but there’s no resources that they can spare to give out without a payoff. So it’s quite frankly disastrous for their energy reserves to give to you when you need something and you don’t have energy to give back.
The narcissist feels dead on the inside if they’re giving energy out without a payoff. It’s actually not personal, because the narcissist can’t see you as a flesh and blood autonomous human being. They don’t even see themselves that way because they’ve denied their true inner humanity and created a false fictitious self in its place, so they can’t even connect to you deserving genuine concern, care, and consideration. There’s just not those resources to give, unless it’s an act to get something.
So when you’re down and you are out of resources, it makes the narcissist feel horrified to care of you.
Why The Narcissist Is Never Going To Supply Your Needs
The narcissist is never going to supply your needs in a genuine, durable way, unless it’s to get something, but you can be that person to yourself.
The narcissist presented themselves as our Saviour, as our God, as everything to us, or maybe we projected that belief onto them. Definitely, as a parent or as a family member or an authority figure in our life, we believe that this person is supposed to have our best interests at heart, yet a narcissist doesn’t.
As a love partner, we believe that this person is a co-provider of love, approval, support, and security for us, but as a narcissist, they’re anything but. As children, we were powerless to choose ourselves over these people and be prepared to lose them, rather than lose ourselves. Yet, as adults, this is exactly the passage to heal and recover ourselves that we need to take.
Many of us, as adults, didn’t initially realize this. I was one of them, because personally, I thought I was capable and confident in my life, yet with the narcissist, I felt like a broken child and that I’d die without him. I came to realize that I needed to heal my co-dependency because I believed that my life depended on fixing and changing him so that he would love me healthily, even though he was cruelly abandoning and abusing me horrifically.
Here was the truth that I’m passionate about you realizing – the truth was, I was abandoning the responsibility as an adult to heal myself enough to make healthy decisions regarding what I would and wouldn’t accept.
When I did let go and I healed, I realized there were many young, unhealed parts of myself, that I’d never healed up from childhood, that were holding somebody else responsible for my inner feelings in my life, instead of being able to be my own solid self-loving source.
Through Quanta Freedom Healing with the NARP healings, I learned how to self-partner – how to feel solid, safe, and empowered on the inside.
I lost my neediness and attachment and addiction to him. I was able to let go, create boundaries, align with my values, and say yes to what was healthy and identify and say no to who and what wasn’t. It changed everything.
I was no longer self-abandoning. I’d come home to that essential relationship with myself. Love, health, and prosperity started generating in my life abundantly, and I started to Thrive. The same can and will happen for you when you let go of narcissists that are constantly abandoning you and come home to that relationship with yourself.
I hope this has made sense to you. I hope you realize now that this isn’t personal, that you are lovable, you are worthy of love and support and partnering, but we have to become that to ourselves first.
You are Divinity sent. I cut ties with a “Benevolent” narcissist – with no regrets – found myself thinking of her when all the old rubbishy feelings surfaced. I’m really good at owning my stuff; yet my life had been filled with one type or another. Cutting ties with all freed me well that I actually met my Twin Flame. My phone showed me that it had been, eerily 5 years to the day I last saw her. We had been “friends” for about 30 years. And this article – well, it could be talking about ME. Your writing is top-notch and I look forward to your articles.
Thanks ever so much.
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for this topic! It is certainly something that I have wondered about for a number of years. I made a comment earlier on YouTube but I’d like to say some more here…
This is about the day I was discarded and the circumstances surrounding the discard day and why the narcissist may have done thngs in such a brutal way….
I had been going through treatment for sexual trauma that I experienced when I was in the military. I was going through a certain type of therapy called cognitive processing therapy.
It was not an easy therapy to be going through but it was a necessary one. I needed help with issues and I needed help managing this specific trauma.
I was beginning to experience increased nightmares and on some occasions the nightmares were worse than others. The night preceding the day that she chose to announce to me that she was leaving was a night filled with the most terrifying and horrible dreams I may have ever experienced….
I remember waking up horrified…after a little I went over to her and said to her that “I had some of the most horrible dreams last night I’ve ever had”. I was broken! I was weak! I was completely emotionally disheveled!
I also am quite certain that I was at one of my lowest points of vulnerability in my entire life.
All she did was give me a “side eye” glance and turned away…
I’ve had the thought on occasion that she, more than likely, in her own sinister and malicious way, maybe intuitively or otherwise, knowing that I was in a vulnerable and weakened place, especially during that previous night and now the morning, cunningly calculated precisely this particular time to make her grand “presentation” to me…a hand written note on a crumpled peice of paper…. saying, precisely, “I’m leaving you”!
(Actually, probably foolishly, that morning, not considering or aware of what was actually going on, I was reaching out to her for help, which probably showed her more weakness and vulnerability….because there was no one else to turn to at that moment….)
what I got was a brutal, cold, calculated discard!
That moment! That experience! The impressions that I took in at that time are all indelibly printed in my psyche! To this day I still feel the trauma of those moments!
The terror continues to live within me….
So, after reading this article and listening to you today I have a question… especially after reading this article…
could it be more than likely that the narcissist knew that I was in a particularly vulnerable place within myself and as a result of her malicious narcissistic cunningness chose that time, a time when I really could’ve used her help, to literally pounce on me like a lion choosing a weakened antelope to attack and prey on…
I would also like your thoughts on whether or not my nightmares may have intensified or been intensified that night because I was in very close proximity of the narcissist (the same house) and was possibly feeling whatever it was that she was emanating while calculating her dark sinister plot…
I kind of think that all of that is true but if you don’t mind I would love to hear from you and what you have to say or think about those things! Or what specific modules I can use to get answers….
Once again, I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me this opportunity with NARP to work through and manage all of these things that still are going on in me and very specifically this topic….
Thank you so much, Melanie! Sending lots of love your way! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
these are great questions, yet I want you to know the truth about them – the answers will not release you from the internal trauma of them.
If you are still trying to get answers in your head, then relief and freedom will not be the results – only some answers that your mind will continue to want to “think about” will be.
The truth is I don’t know the absolute answers to these questions. I don’t know what she was thinking and I don’t want to even ponder it.
N’s abandon – period. They hate having to support.
To support yourself is to use Module 1 or The Source Healing and Resolution Module to feel, load up, release and replace with The Light (The QFH process) the remaining traumas and terrors.
Then you will not even have another thought about it all.
You will be finally free.
I hope that this helps and much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
Thank you so much for your kind comment! 😌 After reading your response the first thing I did was the SH&R Module! It was perfect! 🌈 doing this module was exactly what my body and the whole of me needed….thank you for guiding me in that direction…
It was amazing to feel the tiny shifts taking place. The use of the visualizations that you suggested really helped me very much.
I know I have a long ways to go before all the trauma is released and I can replace all of the trauma with Source and Light…✨But, today I got this incredible taste of what that might and CAN be like.
I will return to this module again. Thank you so very much! Sending love and light to you and so much gratitude! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
I am so pleased you anchored into this – and did this shift.
Thank you Dear Man for your humility and teachability!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie!
Thank you so much! You are a great teacher! ❤️🦋❤️
Do you offer scholarships? I’m willing to give beck .
I was possessed by a parasite narcissist for about 10 years. I now have diabetes & high blood pressure due to aftershock. All of this just blows my mind. I do forgiveness work every day however, I lost almost everything.
I thirst to go from deviation to thriving ( if I only had the energy)
I’d love a reply 🌹❤️🌹 Thank you very much ❤️🌹❤️
Hi Audra,
we do offer sponsorships to NARP.
Please email [email protected] and ask one of my lovely team about this.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Peter, I’m so sorry you have been through that, and had a Narc as a partner. Your looking for answers, totally understand why you need them as a sane normal person. But looking for answers from a narc is impossible, because they’re crazy. Your dealing with an insane person, and if you try to get sense or argue with a crazy person, your going to go crazy. Your only answer is that she is a narc, and everything that includes. I hope you manage to find peace and become indifferent to her and your relationship to her, and heal yourself, so you can live a beautiful blessed life ❤️
Dear Liz!
Thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtful words! Many blesings to you!
❤️
Oh Peter! Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities! God sees your heart, and will answer your cries. Yes, they (meaning those parts of you in the dream) were being sabotaged….but not by this hurt, broken person (though hard to accept), but by satan, wickedness, and principalities that He mentions in scripture. “We do not wrestle against flesh & blood,…..but against (what I mentioned above). We all as humans have experienced trauma, which causes parts of our core to break off where demons can attach themselves to. He loves you, and I pray that you reach out to Him as He gives you the comfort you need!
Hi Aneas!
Thank you for your words of comfort, Aneas! May light and blessings always be with you! ✨
Hi Melanie
I was wondering what advice you could give me regarding maintaining a relationship with a narcissistic adult daughter. It is not possible for me to just go no contact, as she will always be in my life. She comes across so sweet to others, but she makes sure that I never feel needed or important in any way to her.
Hi Colleen,
this is a big conversation.
If you google my name plus “adult narcissistic children” this will help you understand what you can do in this situation.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Such an important topic that I’m sure speaks to so many of us. I’d always believed that if I was in a needy state, my daughter would be especially cruel and abandon me.
Sure enough, when I was hopitalized with pneumonia she angrily informed me that she would not be changing her vacation plans and left on a 2 week vacation.
She had previously been upset that as I got older, she would have the burden of putting me in a facility.
I was wondering if you have any advice for me as a parent. My daughter was used as a weapon against me, his new wife was very emotionally and verbally abusive to our daughter and he allowed it. I have since gotten full custody and he simply continues to lie and blame and has abandoned our daughter. My daughter is 10 y/o she doesn’t understand why her dad doesn’t love her anymore and she’s angry. She was once his whole world. It’s breaking my heart.
Hi Lucille,
this is so painful watching our children suffer.
Please know, as the parent not abusing them, if our heart breaks for our children (although of course, this is caring) energetically, vibrationally it helps hold them in the pattern of pain, and devastation.
It is when we heal into our radiance and presence that they can follow.
True healing and inner emancipation is us leading the way “I am a sovereign being able to hold and create my energy and truth regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t do”. That is breaking free from narcissistic abuse so that our children can follow, in our footsteps.
When we heal – even about them – our children follow.
We can’t heal them without healing ourslves first.
If you google my name and “leading the way for our children” you will find more of my resources about this.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie it all is exactly as you describe,the manipulation the suffering the abuse the emptiness of their souls and their vampirism.I was born to a narcissistic mother and got married to 2 narcissistic men.
It took me 62 years to be free,but free I am now for the first time in my entire life.And it feels like my sickness has evaporated and I am now healed.It is miraculous.
Reading your blog for years and applying your technique always made me feel better and showed me the light at the end of the tunnel,literally.much gratitude.
I love that you feel free Sophie,
I’m so happy for you.
It is your time to shine!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie!
This makes complete sense! When my father was declining, a sibling used every excuse in the book to be completely AWOL. Even though they lived less than 5 minutes away, they refused to lift a finger for our father, to spend any time with him whatsoever, or do anything to make his last days better on any level. (Yet had their hand fully out to collect an inheritance!)This same sibling, continues to make life miserable for the remaining family members. Now that I understand this better, I know how to deal with it better! I feel like a weight has lifted! From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Hi Breelee,
I’m so glad that it does!
I love that you feel this lovely shift inside
Sending you blessings and continued breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
Again you describe perfectly the insane way narcs can behave. As our disabled son became more demanding, rather than support me to support his son, it was goodbye, because ’he’ wasn’t getting enough attention.
I didn’t even realize he was a narc! Oh how my eyes have been opened, and how I see and realize why life has been so so hard, like living in treacle for almost 40 years, and how finally, how amazing life feels being responsible only for myself and our son.
I have a friend who had pointed out I was suffering from narc abuse (I thought it was all me) and we share behaviours. One of my favourite narc behaviours is the unfinished task. The lid never put back, the lights never turned off, the doors of the wardrobe never closed, the rubbish never put in the bin, the washing up never done, the washing never taken out of the machine. I wondered, if anyone else recognizes this, and what light you can shed on it. And any tips to deal with it, as for the foreseeable future, until the house is sold, we are stuck together still. Thanks, and thanks so much for your amazing advice and insights, you saved me over covid from being driven completely mad by his insane behavior
Because these simple (to us) tasks imply responsibility- accountability. Narcs need to feel I can do whatever and no one can question me… their fragile ego rests on believing they are entitled, and they need to reinforce that to themselves and you by refusing to finish tasks
Hi Liz,
narcissists do all sorts of things to trigger you, get your emotional attention, feed their significance (I can affect you) and also then get to flip the script blaming you for all the problems because you reacted.
The only way out of this is to detach – don’t hand over any angst or emotional attention.
It’s not worth it – it feeds the bear, energizes them to play more shenanigans and also strips you of your lifeforce.
What is needed to get to this level is the inner healing within ourselves so that it is totally possible to detach, come home to our soul and Source, and be totally unaffected by the ridiculousness.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie! Yes, this is so good! For myself, I’m learning that the horrific trauma that I;ve been through with this my whole life, is only being healed by me being willing to face my own false self which God has always intended me to see, address, and heal with HIS LOVE! Thank you for your rich nuggets that always bless me!!! I’m learning to embrace this journey and see it as a great blessing instead of the “desperate quick fix” that I know so many of us think we’ve needed. I remember 4.5 yrs. ago when my eyes were first opened to this “narcissistic abuse”, I heard a truth that sticks to me even this day. Though hard to swallow, it has carried me through to this day…”just try to understand that the narcissist was actually allowed to be brought into your life as one of your greatest blessings”. Don’t take me wrong, “NO” God doesn’t want us to remain in an abusive situation where we embrace these abusive behaviors,. However, He does want to use it as His launching pad to bring us to our Destinies! I just want to encourage everyone who may be reading this,…”Stay with it, He Loves you, and He’s Faithful to walk you through the process as you find yourself (true self) falling head-over-heels IN LOVE WITH HIM”!!! Thank you again, Melanie! I love you!….and love & blessings to everyone here!!!
Hi Aneas,
I love your response and it is so true!
Incredibly true that these people are launchpads to our true destinies … if we claim that opportunity to go within, heal and be released from the experience.
I love you too Aneas, and thank you for your uplifting and loving message to all of us!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Liz,
I was just scrolling but and read your comment. Is it possible he has ADHD too? Sounds almost exactly like what I deal with as well, especially when he is unmedicated. Maybe something to look into? I hope it gets better for you.
My soon to be ex always used “work” as the excuse to not be there. For funerals, sicknesses in the kids, whatever it was, if he was not going to get attention it meant nothing. He could be there for other people, providing it made him look good or get a lot of praise. It was really maddening. Since I have been away from him, I have realized this is not how normal relationships work. There was absolutely nothing normal, and it was definitely not a relationship. I did realize a few weeks ago when I suffered a big loss, it sucked but it did not suck as bad as it would have living in the same house with someone who just did not care.