A narcissist will always eventually, one way or another, discard you. It doesn’t matter whether you leave, they do, or how the relationship blows up.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is this: the narcissist doesn’t care about me and can live without me.
We experience this from their words and actions, lack of understanding, non-existent empathy, accountability or remorse regarding what they have done to us.
We discover that our feelings and life mean nothing to the narcissist; he or she may even hate us now and be hell-bent on trying to destroy us.
My heart goes out to you if you are still suffering the trauma of this, because truly until we heal from this, the trauma is unspeakable.
However, it is my greatest wish today that this article will not only explain why the narcissist will always discard you but also the deeper truths that will help grant you relief, healing and the power to move on and create real relationships with people who do have the resources to genuinely care about you.
The Shock of Narcissistic Discard
Falling from the dizzy heights of being idealised is such a heavy shock.
We may have believed that we were the narcissist’s ‘everything’, and certainly this appears to be the case in the love-bombing stage of the relationship and reappears when a narcissist is hoovering us back into their clutches in order to retain us for narcissistic supply.
What we may not have realised until much later, is that we were ‘necessary’ to the narcissist, but not as a flesh and blood human being with a soul and feelings. Rather, we were the object to grant them their addiction – their feed of energy, significance, resources, sex, money and/or any attention that allows them to self-medicate themselves away from their inner screaming wounds of defectiveness and insecure feelings of insignificance.
A narcissist is never ‘in love’ with you, they are incapable of that. They are only ‘in love‘ with the feelings of relief you grant them from their inner wounds, no different to a heroin addict being in love with heroin. You are a necessary commodity, and therefore when you prove to be no longer useful to self-medicate with, the narcissist will immediately devalue and discard you and replace you with someone else who can fulfil that task.
The replacement person may have been groomed and waiting for quite some time, if not already enlisted in the narcissist’s life.
In relation to Family of Origin narcissistic relationships, as well as those with toxic neighbours, business partners, friendships or any other capacity – the narcissist’s involvement with you is all about what they get out of it. The narcissist seeks to make you responsible for tending to and dancing around their wounds, by using you to their advantage and scapegoating you as the person to blame for why they have such disgraceful and regular all-consuming negative emotions when their inner traumas are not being offset adequately enough with narcissistic supply.
This is heart-breaking when we understand that a parent, sibling, or some other significant person in our life is supposed to have the resources to be loving, supportive, empathetic and caring. The sad truth is, if a person is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, regardless of who this person is in your life, they simply can’t help being a narcissist.
When a narcissist discards you, things don’t end pleasantly and in a way that can be processed humanely. The methods of discard are brutal; you will be accused of all and sundry, possibly even being the narcissist yourself. The narcissist will assert that they were honest, loving and credible and that you threw their love away and acted with a lack of integrity and care for them. There will be zero responsibility taken for their behaviour, actions, words and lies, regardless of what you discover about what they have really been up to.
Once you are no longer adequately serving their False Self, you need to be completely delisted – meaning you will be smeared and discredited to anyone who will listen.
You will be dismayed to discover that there is no empathy, compassion or concern for your life now. In fact, if the narcissist can make you pay dearly for not serving their False Self adequately, by pillaging and raping everything from you that they believe they are entitled to (like a vulture ravaging a dying animal) this further vindicates their nasty insatiable ego.
And enough will never be enough – if you allow it.
All of this is shocking because YOU regard humans as human beings, not objects. You care about their heart and soul rather than objectifying or sexualising them and using them for ego feeds and agendas. It is unthinkable for you to be able to grasp how the narcissist operates.
We have to wake up …
The relationship was never about you, team or ‘us’, it was about being with a severely damaged individual whose thoughts and actions were always about them, without consciousness or remorse.
What Constitutes Narcissistic Discard?
We may think it is a narcissist leaving our life and never wanting anything to do with us again, but really this narcissistic delisting is something we experience over and over with a narcissist even when still attached to them.
We are discarded every time we are dismissed, deemed irrelevant, or dehumanised, which of course is part and parcel of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse tears up the very fabric of our soul, and our humanness – the place of feeling whole, valued and safe.
Why Must the Narcissist Discard You?
To preserve his or her False Self, the narcissist must deny and reject your True Self.
Deep within, your True Self knows it deserves honesty, team play, empathy and real love. The trauma screaming inside you is because you are not living aligned with your True Self. The emotional pain is the signal to tell you how far off track this relationship is.
If your needs, feelings and opinions were valued by the narcissist, this would mean that you would no longer be dancing around the narcissist’s wounds, pandering and catering to them.
This is why the narcissist will not listen to your grievances, take responsibility or value your feelings. He or she does not want to work towards solutions and harmony with you or amend their narcissistic behaviour. They want you to stay asleep and keep feeding their egoic significance. Each and every time they hook you and you respond with any energy towards them, they achieve this.
You waking up, pulling away or starting to assert your own needs, boundaries and rights by no longer marching to their drum, or arguing with them or justifying yourself whilst trying to get the narcissist to change, stops feeding the narcissist.
Then they must discard you and move on to more fertile narcissistic supply.
This also happens when you became so sick, needy or emptied out that there is nothing left for them to gain.
Hopefully you can move yourself into the first category, and heal from this, so that you truly embody that to be discarded by a No-person is not about being betrayed and ditched by someone who was capable of love – rather it was a blessing, releasing you into a true life of loving yourself and now being free to generate true love.
Deep Quantum Truths Regarding Narcissistic Discard
The horrible, never-ending and disastrous eventuality for narcissists is that all relationships with others will end up being discarded, discredited and delisted by them.
The real reason for this is because the narcissist has completely discarded themselves.
The narcissist has attempted to kill off their own True Self; they have disowned and divorced themselves from it and put a fictitious character in its place (the False Self).
When the deeply damaged, wounded and abandoned True Self emerges, the narcissist lines someone else up, projects their pain onto them and tries to destroy them, which unconsciously is all about trying to destroy their shameful True Self – the inner vulnerable parts that they have no desire to meet, heal and resurrect in order to become whole.
The narcissist does not relate to him or herself with empathy, love, kindness, vulnerability or self-honesty or self-soothing. Instead, the narcissists self-relationship is delusional; it operates in egoic and pathologically disordered ways, designed to prop up the False Self and grant this fragile insecure identity the feed of significance.
The narcissist has no resources to relate to you as a valued human with a soul, because people cannot grant what and who they are not Being to themselves.
When we realise this deeper truth, we can stop trying to hold narcissists responsible for caring about us and valuing us. They have NO ability to.
Which then leads us to our true liberation …
How can we take our power back by healing what we need to?
Healing Our Own Self-discard
We were all discarded by narcissists.
We all discovered that, we were not important to this person in the ways that we wish to be valued by those we love.
Where we can go so wrong is to try to force the narcissist to be like a normal person – to have empathy, care, compassion and real love for us. Now I hope that you can understand why this was never going to work.
Our salvation, healing and emancipation from the terrible trauma of a narcissist’s discard, only comes by turning inwards with self-inquiry, and then committing to the inner work to heal.
These questions are vital:
How have I discarded my own inner being, truth and soul by remaining attached to someone trying to force them to care for, value and love me?
Where am I struggling to be my own source of love, acceptance and support?
What traumas in my life have left me feeling so discarded – unworthy, unloved and unsafe – that I am repeating this with other incapable and damaged people now?
Have I had enough of painful relationships with toxic people, to turn inwards and heal my love trajectory, so that I can be healed and whole and access real relationships with other whole and genuinely loving people?
(How do you feel about these questions? Are you on this journey of self-healing yet? Are you ready to start? I’d love you to answers in the comments below.)
I promise you these are all the questions and conclusions that I came to myself when I took my power back and decided to take matters into my own heart and hands to heal this.
I used to experience relationships of continued abandonment – being thrown under a bus and being brutally and cruelly repeatedly discarded. These relationships impacted on me so severely I truly would have died if I kept continuing this pattern.
I knew I had to heal and uplevel myself into a healthy self-partnered relationship, one where I would never again discard or abandon myself, regardless of who anyone else was or wasn’t being or doing.
This is the work that I passionately encourage and help guide others to do, after narcissistic abuse, as a step-by-step process which to date has liberated thousands of people from over 90 different countries worldwide from the torturous trauma of narcissistic discard.
If you relate and you have had enough of the pain, I’d love to show you how … here
Maybe you’ve been reading my blogs and listening to my videos for a long time but have never taken the first step to start doing the real work – the inner transformational healing – that is so needed to heal from this.
If this is you, it’s time! You can begin working with myself and thousands of other thrivers here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain (your whole real life) by doing so.
And as always, I am so looking forward to answering your questions and comments.
Hi Dear Melanie, This topic is so timely for me. Its been one of those mornings of grief. Looking on my realisation and then separation as a blessing is what I need to know right now. Deep down I know that I am better off without him but every now and again the feelings of being discarded and unappreciated raise their ugly head. I continue to module and self partner. I really am better off, I know that. I have come such a long way. I look forward to getting over this one but will probably take a while. Am working on it though and sorting out those peptides slowly but surely. You are such an inspiration to me. You went through so much and look at you now. You are strong and brave. I would not have had a chance if not for you. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting it all in perspective. I know what I must do and that is the key so that I can do it. Such a relief! Love Shar xx
Hi Shar,
Awww sweetheart I am so pleased I can be an inspiration to you.
Keep going Dear Lady, and just know no matter how deep the traumas run, one day you will break free to the other side … you are so getting there.
Are you in the NARP Forum for support when needed? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Please know you don’t have to do this alone – we are there for you.
Love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you Mel, Yes I am in the NARP forum. I have found the responses a little cryptic at times but I find that I am still thinking from my head even though I am monitoring my thoughts. I am getting there and it is very helpful when I ‘get it’. Its a whole new way for me and the changes I am experiencing are truly life changing. I can feel it and its starting to show. My one and only wonderful friend who has stuck by me is noticing the positive changes. Sometimes just coming from nowhere so I take comfort knowing that my subconscious is awakening. The program is wonderful and I am so thankful for this opportunity. I will be ok and that’s something I wouldn’t have imagined a few months ago. Love you Mel. xx
Ive read so much of your information, but never felt ready to admit this man in my life was so damaged. I kept believing i could fix his lack of trust and fear of commitment. I have not let him harm my inner self. However, i have wondered why i let him stay in my life. I guess i really hoped he would see my kind soul and not abandon such a chance to be loved. I set a trap today to just confirm all my fears. He walked straight in and i saw how faceless he is. How he doesnt care for me and his words are just words. So im ready to find how i fix me, this bit of me that feels i chose to chase a man that would evitably never be caught. There must be a reason i did that. I feel im conditioned to dissapointment so he fit.
Thankyou so much Melanie, you’re wonderful blogs are so helpful. I’m now 20mths out from the discard after a 27 yr marriage but still react quite badly to triggers. A thought or an image of them together comes from nowhere and I immediately get anxious and sob like a baby. He left me for her after I’d just had major surgery and given a permanent feeding tube. His last words to ke were, I never said I loved her, we get on well and shes healthy.
May I ask you, how do I deal with the intense feelings of being thrown away, I feel that she better than me because shes healthy. It’s like my brain thinks she has won a major prize. Ita so painful and I’m so scared I’ll never stop thinking of them as in my imagination they are living this amazing happy life. Hes never looked back , i wasnt worth fighting for, neither were his stepchildren and their children. He has also abandoned two daughters from his first marriage, they have children hes never met. Please tell me how to deal with these obsessive thoughts and images and even feelings of jealousy of her. Thankyou for all you do for everyone xx
Thanks Melanie I can relate to every word.
I ran my own business had 3 kids with the narc I had no choice but to take my kids to work when they were all 8 weeks old because he wouldn’t support us and I had to keep up with his grand ideas and if end up paying for them pretty much gave him my soul & waited on him however He was earning the big bucks. His money was his mine was ours. Never truly loved the kids and still I didn’t see it for what it was even tho most around me did. Ended up finding out he cheated on me the entire 8 years many woman even while I was in labour reciving naked pics for mistress once I finally started holding him accountable for all the gasslighting cheating and abuse ect. He gave me cervical cancer from affairs too he booked his teeth in the day of my operation typical narc!!!
Once u see it your like how did I miss it 😣
He stonewalls and discards in the most horrible way to replace with someone else who literally wouldn’t have lasted 1 second having children with him.
It’s hard to comprehend when u have been soooo good to this person and everyone knew it to be smeared before discard your just like whattt this makes sense they have to deny your real self so true!!!
He was so selfish and lazy & kept me in fear with so many tactics! Thankyou again for your work it’s weird how they act the same😯
Hi Mel, bless you I have been doing the work loving myself back to wholeness working on my trauma which kept me stuck in painful relationships thinking I did not deserve love and now I have woken up to value love and care for myself not to look outside of myself for it. I am feeling happy. Even though it was family members I let go of I cant fix or lose myself they need to take responsibility which I have looked at my part in it and I am willing to do the work for my freedom and emancipation.
I am in the same frame of mind. I know it is for the best, but years of devaluing and the final discard for someone that was supposed to be his dream life-long partner is the icing on the cake. I ran 3 businesses with him and worked an outside job as well as raising 2 children. I often worked 16 hour days to get everything done. No vacations to speak of, no weekends off to speak of. Life centered around him and his ideas, never mine. Even if I had a good idea, he would discount it and then bring it up a few weeks later as his idea. I think the word is impossible! Just this week I received my final divorce papers. Although he made no efforts to go for a divorce, he did sign the papers. I think I will use my good ideas to promote myself in the future. By the way, I petitioned for the divorce and paid for my divorce and feel really good about that.
Oh yes, mine always picked up my ideas as his own and ran with them. I thought it strange but never challenged it. How come he couldn’t come up with his own thoughts? Impossible is definitely the word and has crossed my mind many times. We are in a good place to heal Myra. Power to you and lots of love. xx
Could someone please help me learn the steps to letting this awful situation go? To be able to release myself from holding on? This has been a never ending issue for the last two years of my life. I feel destroyed, manipulated, abused physically and emotionally by this person. I don’t know who to turn to for help due to I have no support system when it comes to family. I’m all alone. I can’t go on feeling this way. Being discarded every time he has a raging spell. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
Hi EAlex,
Those steps are fully explained in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
There is an abuse healing system called NARP which I developed to deeply, cellularly – for real – get that done http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending power, breakthrough and healing to you.
Mel 🙏♥️💕
Hello EAlex? I’m finding myself (possibly in vain?) typing & posting a response to an SOS you sent out some time ago.. I would love to know your situation right now & how you are at the moment ? I hope there was no further agony to endure? The reason I’m so interested to know (&hoping!) that you have reached some stage of resolve & /or recovery? is because your ‘words’ mirror my current situation almost exactly, & your explanation is pretty much identical to where I am emotionally in my life right now. I was very recently & very suddenly ‘discarded’ by my covert malignant narcissist of a partner. After three year in a relationship, & sharing (what I was led to believe) an evening of genuine intimacy & affection with my (then) partner. But by 2pm the following day I found a carrier bag containing some returned possessions left on my doorstep. He wouldn’t then
answer my phonecalls, I just got a single text telling me I was a bad person, before he blocked my number on his phone. This person ‘love bombed’ me in a very big way, but then following all my failed attempts & futile efforts to intercept & derail a very long & increasingly painful ‘devaluation’ process, I finally reached a point where I had become so emotionally beaten down, broken & helpless (& still confusedI) through a barrage of continued manipulative abuse & ‘gas lighting’, when I was at my most wounded, I was abruptly & unexpectedly ‘discarded’. The pain is excruciating.
Hey Mel,
Thank you so much for this article 🙏 it is very timely for me, as I’m going through my mom, s discard of me and a friend, s discard as well.
It, ‘s such an excruciating painful feeling!
But with the help of Narp and your articles, I, ve changed a lot.
What I realized and what you just wrote, is that before your final discard, a narcissist will discard you in smaller ways many times. I, ve never realized that until now.
My so called friend for instance has the tendency to not respond to my text, or always to late. If I ask her out on Friday, she, ll text me back 10 days after Friday. She is used to discarding me and getting my attention whenever she wants to, as that used to be my codependent behavior.
But I, ve shifted, I can no longer let people treat me that way. I truly feel I deserve better!
Of course, when I told her how her behavior hurt my feelings, she got very angry, played the victim (she, s a martyr/victim type) and didn’t take any responsibility.
I, ve had enough. Better to be my own best friend, than hers.
My whole social circle is changing, I had so many narcissists as friends 🙈 it, ‘s a tough and lonely period of my life realizing that.
I hope I can heal myself from that codependent behavior once and for all!
Thanks for all that you do, you and your team pull me through my darkest hours.
Much love💖
Laura
I also have a very lonely time after realizing how many narcs are/were my friends. You are Not alone🌸
Hi Laura,
I am so pleased this article resonated and was timely for you.
It takes great courage to do what you are, to go empty and honour and heal you.
Please know from within this space of self truth and love comes the most beautiful and selfhonouring gifts.
You’re very welcome Laura and I’m so pleased my team and I can help you.
Sending blessings and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you Mel! 😊😘
Hi Mel, Wonderful blog! When I started NARP I realized I had so self-abandoned that I was worn out, sick, and discarded. Now after many months of modules I know that I will never self abandon again. NARP has been an incredible healing process for me full of images, love, and life. I see more now from this post that I had become so insignificant to the N in my physical illness that I was never going to be considered useful again. He was discarding me almost everyday as he ran off to get is fill elsewhere. His final discard was hard and the withdrawals so painful yet I do know it was done for me and not to me. It was a gift. I am moving daily toward wellness and healing and it is a joy. Blessings and lots of love to you, Dreama1
Hi Dreama1,
How wonderful you are this self partnered now!
I love reading your words of expansion, live and joy that have been so deserved for your self healing efforts.
It’s such a joy to be living this life, and thank you for being a fellow Thriver.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie. Am really enjoying your emails, especially this one about being discarded.rings so many bells! you’d think at my age, 77,I would have ‘got the message’s by now, but alas, think it is only just sinking in. I knew of Narcissism, have read loads of books, had therapy, but think the core of it all is just accepting this is my problem, a magnet for the Narcissists. My current one is your side of the World. We met here in UK in the 1970s, he discarded me then, and he’s done it again, even though I haven’t seen him in over 40 years! It is a painful lesson – be careful what/who you wish for. Great to have you on our side. I am a very independent woman and in control of my life, but emotions all over the place! Thank you for sharing your experiences & recovery with us. The chances of getting any help over here are nil, you have to just be your own therapist! Sylvia S.
Hi Sylvia,
This is great this resonates with you!
Please know you are really welcome and I’m so pleased that I can help.
I adore taking out power back to become our own therapist. That’s what my NARP program powerfully allows us to do – effectively.
Have you checked it out? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It’s never too late to change your Love Code Sylvia, in the only place it can be changed – deep inside you.
Love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, I found your article to be just what I needed right now. I had had my Bf for four years and just couldn’t and still can’t a little work through how he was able to switch from loving me on the Friday to hating me by the Monday.
We own a house together and he took himself out to the spare room and didn’t speak for three weeks ( not the first time for the silent treatment) he would not speak or engage, kept shutting his bedroom door and go out without so much as a word to where he was going. Any interaction with me was one of what seemed like utter contempt towards me …I eventually left and have gone no contact with him … this is where I find it the hardest for I feel quite dreadful at the moment and as I’ve left the surroundings I’m in are new to me as is being alone …. I don’t know how to begin to heal … I guess reading your article is a start for me .. I’d like to learn please xxx
Hi Colin,
My heart goes out to you, this level of discard is so painful. Congrats for having the strength so far to hold No Contact.
Colin the way to heal in NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp It is my complete step by step inner core recovery program that saved and gave me my life, as well as thousands of other people world wide.
It’s the way to heal.
Sending you love and strength
Mel 🙏💞💛
Hello Melanie
Thank you so much for keeping in touch with me 🤗🌹💐
Yes I’m really struggling and don’t seem to get any release from the pain day to day feel like I’m just going through hell every second of the day
I’ve lost all my friends and my family don’t keep in touch much anymore, I’m going downhill with my health and I’m really lonely!! I’m on my own and I struggle because I have to go to work as I have to pay rent bills etc etc. I just can’t get my mind to stop thinking about him it torcher 😕😫😪 But I just want to change and can’t get back to me anymore
Thank you soooo much for your excellent emails for keeping in touch beautiful lady 🌹💐💖💜💕 xxxx
Hi Janet,
My heart goes out to you with the pain you are suffering.
Please know it’s in the inner work that’s key to unravel this, get relief, clarity and healing.
That’s what my inner transformational resources are all about and I’d love to help you connect to them.
The starting point is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi
I do not know where to start.
I’ve been married for 19 years in August to a narcissist who over the past year has filed for a divorce and done some unspeakable horrific things to me and our 16 year old son.
He is still hovering because of our son but has moved onto a new source of who. He has inlisted on helping him harm me.
Every day I wait to see what will happen today. I go through the motions of work and just trying to deal with each new thing they try to hit me with.
My life is no life and I’m tired of crying myself to sleep only to wake an hr later consumed with thoughts of why? And when will it end.
Your videos are so helpful to me and are presently my only source of survival.
I have enrolled in your nark program but never seem to be able to have any time to follow it.
Thank you for Shsring all you’ve shared you’ve kept me alive.
Wanda
Hi Wanda,
My heart goes out to you going through so much and feeling your pain.
That’s great that my videos are helping you, but please know they are supplements to the real inner work which is NARP.
That is where the the real healing and inner shifts take part.
Maybe being in the NARP Forum will help give you the support and motivation to get started. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Sending healing and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie, you always come to the rescue at the right time with your message to guide me bakc to light. Your sharing about your deep personal experience’s is so brave and so needed at a time when the darkness makes me feel like I’m the only one and that it’s bc I’m flawed that this happens to me.
I started answering your questions and by the second question, I realized I wasn’t supporting the part of myself which wanted support from others, I was denying this part of me and telling it that’s it’s dangerous to reveal vulnerability. My gosh, I haven’t realized how that belief boxed me in to believe that if I ask, I won’t be supported and I had believed all people were this way which forced me to only accept my tough part. But it left me unsettled inside and that inner child wasn’t going to be left being deprived. My life flashed before my eyes and I saw how that grew to effect multiple areas of my life and really left me boxed in and made me dependent and needy. Of course it’s normal and human to realize that decent people wouldn’t push me off the boat to sink if I needed a hand. It’s just the wrong people. It makes a huge difference to allow myself, to allow this part of myself to be. It makes me whole. I can support this side of myself now. I don’t have to make me wrong for expecting decency. It’s so human. I had not seen this for so long. Thank you!
Hi Ilona,
I’m so pleased I could help and thank you for your kind words.
I love your self enquiry, and it’s wonderful that you have had this breakthrough awareness.
I wuss for you incredible healing breakthroughs and true connection and love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for sharing your experience, you are a guide and an inspiration. I have recently divorced after 23 years of marriage and 2 children. I knew that there was something wrong in my marriage from the beginning but at first I did not want to admit it, then I kept it going for the sake of the children, I became blind eventually after 9 years of marriage and discovering once again his latest betrayal I asked for divorce. That was the beginning of the nightmare. Threats to take the children away from me if I left him, making up all sorts of stories left me scared and powerless. I was living a life that did not belong to me. Time went by, my children gave me the strength to go through separation ending up with divorce after all that time. Now there are days when I do realise that I am finally better off without him but also there are days of darkness, sadness
where I still blame myself for putting my children and I in this awful mess. I know I still have a long way to get out of this situation but I am so very grateful for you help and for giving me strength. I know I can do it. Lots of love, Lella
Hi Lella,
Sending love and strength to you and please know absolutely you can will continue healing and Thrive more and more.
Your True Life awaits Dear Lady. Much love to you and your children.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Could you please clarify something for me? I seem to remember from some of your previous videos/articles that narcissists and codependents are two sides of the same coin, with the difference being that a true narcissist will never make the necessary effort to heal, while a codependent can.
What I am confused about is that a number of people in my life act narcissistically, and yet they are also really into self-development and learning about childhood wounds…and then in some ways they seem to progress…but then ultimately they are still stuck in victim mode and still do unhealthy behaviors themselves.
Are they narcissists, or are they just codependents for whom the penny just hasn’t yet dropped?
When I think of my own healing journey I definitely sourced well-being outside myself; although never maliciously, and I knew that something was missing and wrong inside me, but until I found your website I was unable to figure out what was going on. Counselors found me very introspective and with high emotional intelligence, and they would tell me that I was doing great after we talked, but within me I could still feel the hole, and it wasn’t until after my narcissistically abusive relationship when I was so desperate for healing that I finally encountered your videos and resources.
Anyway, I am trying to determine the position of these people in my life, and also my role with supporting them vs enabling them and also possibly hurting myself…and how this all fits together! If they are just codependents then how do I still protect myself? Any thoughts???
Thank you, beautiful soul!!
Hi Sharon,
This is such a good question. Sharon I relate to these people because I totally used to be one myself!
If doing the inner work in a cognitivec way rather than shifting trauma out cellularly, we are still stuck with the trauma inside, trying to manage it whilst it lives on inside us controlling us.
It’s probably not their intentions that are ‘off track’. It’s more likely to be that they don’t have an effective too to heal beyond their traumas.
Sharon I really believe the truth for all of us is to be compassionate and empathetic to others whilst having healthy self love and boundaries, as well as showing up honestly with the people we care about.
That truly is the best thing we can do, and all else follows from there.
I hope this helps answer!
Love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi/ I don’t see how you answered her questions- I ask because I have the same questions! thanks
It could be that the person (narc) is trying to control the healing process. Meaning, once the source of the childhood trauma comes into view, they run away from it and get back to the narcissistic ways. Them practicing self development is probably an act for others and even themselves to say that “if they wanted to change they could.” However the real work of changing requires some persistence on their part and staying in the inquiry mode long enough to attain clarity. Their in and out of self development practices could be a sign of their unwillingness to face the trauma long enough to use it as a guide for living a more serene life.
I had a reading last night, which was surprising. It certainly made sense. First, The White Knight,. Although his energy is not around me, which actually does’nt make sense, as I continue to think about him? This is 7 years now. I was told then, it was his wounds and had hurt many women, but of course, I thought I was The One to help him. He shared a lot of his hurt life and being Empathic, felt , I’m the one that understands. 6 years ago another reading told me he was dangerous for me and there was something I didn’t know about him . The same last night and that I never would. Still feel very sorry for him as I realise he is probably struggling to understand himself. Or maybe not. I certainly want to be healthy again the more I accept there is nothing I can do for him, the more I can do for myself. The peptide addiction, certainly made sense. I talk to the bad guys, “having a party today aren’t you?” On a bad physical pain day. This morning, “Today, you behave !” The more information I receive (thank you Melanie) the more I have to work with .
My daughter the same. From the reading, this was not about me persay, it’s father and daughter, its their Karma. It spills over on to me as I didn’t help them. Its freeing to know this. Foregive them all. Which is much harder said than done. For me understanding is key. Now I can work on me without guilt.
Blessings Melanie and support team and to all who are going through physical and mental deep distress. 💜
Hi Sue,
It is so true that many of us thought we could fix and help others, and love them and be loved by them.
Now the shift is in deeply understanding that when we love and respect our own inner being health we can let go and forgive and allow others to not be in our lives, and finally be free to create lives of real and healthy relationships.
I wish that for you Dear Lady, and for all of us.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi
Thanks for the articles. The last two in particular have really hit home. I know I need to be out of this relationship but keep getting pulllrd back in despite the fact he so obviously doesn’t have any idea of how much he has hurt me.
Your description of the situation is scarily accurate. I need to start tracking steps but don’t know how.
Hi Polly,
You are so welcome and I am glad they are giving you some strength and hope.
Please know when we focus inwards and start unravelling and understanding ourselves and healing why we keep handing our power away … then it becomes possible to break free and get up and out of this.
I’d love to show you the exact process to do this, which myself and do many others in this Community have done.
The first step is here Polly – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Please know there is a way and I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for this article tis morning, it came at the right time for me as I still question myself but having read your work and made a connection with it after my friend send it to me I decided to sign up to start the work on myself because it all made sense of the life I was living with my husband for nearly 30 years, I spent all that time trying to help him but to the detriment of my own inner being it’s a very long story but all of your work explains it all to me now and makes perfect sense which helps me know I wasn’t going mad like I though at the time. This article was so important for me to hear because the only part I couldn’t made sense of was that 3 and a half years ago I had just been broken down so much that I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore and I was going to leave that he could have everything so the next day he left but stoped paying everything including the mortgage leaving myself and 3 children with nothing and then took my 14 year old son out of school to go traveling with him and turned him against me for a few years, I was heartbroken but now realize that he was making me pay both financially and emotional because I was going to leave him so for last few years have been struggling to keep our home and keep a relationship with my 3 children as he still tries to turn them against me anyway it’s all due to come to court in a few months after him delaying it all for years which is why I have found all your work just in the right time I think. After doing the first few modules I seem to have a resistance to do more so not sure if I need time to process it all as I did find myself really tired after some of them. I know I really need to do them as the stuff he is doing Financial and with the children is still really hurting me and I am finding it really hard to write a response to his defense because it is all so twisted it’s just so unbelievable that he can make up so many lies. Could you recommend one particular module I could work on for this ? Thanks again Melanie for all your work xxx
What you describe is so familiar to me Tina. Only I have 4 children (2 to each Narc, with a 10 year gap in between relationships..) I thought I had healed & finally found myself a true connection, & decided to go for it & try for ‘happily ever after’ a 2nd time around, only to realise I was repeating past history & had put myself 10 steps backwards. Now, a few yrs down the track, even though things haven’t turned out ideally & have been a massive challenge physically, mentally, emotionally, & financially (as I’m also struggling to maintain my mortgage now changes in circumstances have me unable to work atm), I’m still so glad that it all happened & enlightened me to the extent of my codepency & people pleasing ways.
I feel very blessed to be the mother of my 4 beautiful children & try to improve myself constantly with education, self care, enforcing boundaries & QFH. Though I still often feel very overwhelmed & find myself self sabotaging.
I have been focusing on Module #1 repeatedly, & have been recommended #8 by NARP members to address triggers that come up facing legal battles which has helped, though its clear to me I still have a long way to go towards complete healing. When I first joined NARP & started the modules I found I was completely exhausted after the healings & began avoiding modulling during days I felt extremely triggered.. took me a little while to learn that that was the best time for me to face it & i’d achieve a more significant shift..
the shifts I have managed to achieve have resulted in complete turnarounds of particular situations for me, eg; my eldest quit his yr 12 & 2yr cadet program to go & live with his father, work for cash money, & at the same time receive the dole payment (after his father & others encouragement), after barely skipping a beat throughout his childhood & always being such a responsible young man.. this triggered me massively & things went downhill fast between us. Once I focussed on myself & modulling, our relationship got immediately back on track & my son then returned home, took action & got himself back on track again also. I wish you heaps of luck, strength & healing Tina, you’re not alone xo
Awesome article. I’ve just been discarded by my narc wife. A drinker and a gambler. A cycle that never ended, until I said no more. Then I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. 20 years of marriage down the shute. I’ve known she was a narc for many many years. Her father and brother are both narc, which she freely admits. But not her. In anger one day after another gambling binge with no remorse, I told her she was just like her father. Well, that was it. , all over. I don’t know how I lived with the incessant demands on a daily basis. I’m guessing because it was my second marriage, I wanted it to work. Oh well, 15 years the first time and 20 odd this time round. Of course it was all my fault, even tho she had been married before for 12 months and engaged 3 times before me. I guess they all got away easy. Anyway, great articles, they are making the healing process so much easier. Thank you.
Hi Graham,
That’s great that this article resonated. I’m so pleased you are out. It’s wonderful that you drew the line with your boundary. That is when people will step up or need to step out.
I wish you incredible healing and breakthroughs, it is your time for you, your True Life and to shine.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
i also recognize that i now see how many people i knew where narcs. For the moment I’m in bed with sinusitis and the flu it seems. High fever. ‘mI quite sure the narc ex found out i’m working with NARP 🙁 so he’s trying to dismantel this for me.
I have a new job and it’s is going well but he found out and started threatening about what he’s going to tell to other people. Yesterday i was so ill I couldn’t go for shopping or to the farmacie then he offered to do that but instead of better I became much more ill (problem is i don’t know people here yet). It seems severe psychic and emotional attacks trying to make that i’m not able to work…I really need to keep him away. What can I do to gain physical strength again asap? And can i work with NARP without him intervening? i wonder what happens if he also purchases the program just to know what i’m doing?
It’s indeed a punch between the eyes to notice they don’t care at all or try to come closer to make you even more sick.
is there a good remedy to get my life-force back again in a short time?
Thank you!
<3
Hi Nath. I’m interested to see your reply from Mel, so I can also add any extra suggestions to my list of self care schedule..
thought I’d stop in to share a few things that have helped me regain my strength when I was at my lowest & barely functioning -(after 2 troublesome pregnancies & a terribly difficult relationship, I had been overdoing it, had extreme insomnia & exhaustion & was beginning to have further side affects, affecting all aspects of my life.
My Dr recommended I start anti depressant medication & knowing of side affects of these I asked him for some alternative natural suggestions I could try & also started researching naturopathic options & suggestions from nutritionists, naturopaths, life coaches etc.
I’ve had good results with the following;
a little bit of sunshine each day provides Vitamin D, 1/4cup oats with breakfast within 20 mins of waking helps brain clarity, function & energy levels- I now make breakfast bars, overnight oats & smoothies with it & all sorts of extra ‘good for ya’ ingredients, multi-vitamin, pro biotics, Vitamin C, magnesium & evening primrose oil (of corse pls seek further professional advice on these suggestions first, I’m no dr 😉)…
essential oils with massage, bath & foot soaks, inhalers, as an alternative perfume, & aromotherapy diffusers- my favourite oil is called Vetifer & makes me feel very grounded & calm but there are a lot of EO’s that can help with mood &/or health issues.. spas, saunas, meditation, nature walks.
I researched herbal teas & got myself a variety to help with various things, & started having a chamomile tea before bed, crank up aromatherapy diffusers & listen to sleep apps/meditation that helped quiet my brain & get me to sleep, eventually overcoming my insomnia. I also have eliminated coffee & replaced with hot or iced herbal teas during the day- rosehip, green tea & hibiscus being some of my favourites..
I wish you strength & wellness, & hope you find something to help you, Wendy xo
Sorry Nath, I forgot to add.. module #8 in Mel’s NARP program is ‘Release & heal the fear of the narcissist & what may happen next’, & has helped me no end 👌🏼
I’ve also focussed on module #9 too- ‘Release & heal the connection to the narcissist.’
Cheers, Wendy xo
Thank you Wendy fo sharing all this tips. very kind of you.
I’m beginning to feel a bit better in the meantime: the fever is down but I can only have soup for the moment without problems.
I sleep a lot and I’m doing the modules like 8 and 9 yes 🙂
thanks again xo
Hi Nath,
I’m so sorry you are feeling this sick and under attack.
Are you able to connect in to the NARP Forum to get support at this time?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
That is my greatest suggestion to you.
There is no benefit in including him in your healing. That only enables him to control and hurt you and sabotage your progress more.
Keep detaching from him and healing you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
I asked my new password and then I would need te read how to post exactly. I know the rules but it’s more the practical side…
I’m focussing on trying to get better for a training.
I sleep a lot and I’m doing the modules but noisy neighbors and works in front of my place are not really a context of rest…
<3
Thank you SO much for these lessons! They are ittle nuggets of gold to me! I had a narcissistic mom, sister, and ex-y-pooh. I can finally see a narcissist coming down the road like a big yellow school bus with its lights flashing. The hard thing for me to accept is that they are lost souls, and I need to steer clear, rather than jump into a relationship and try to help them. I used to want to “show them the light,” like a spiritual Wonder Woman. I hate to see humans suffering and acting cruelly, but it’s not even safe to get involved with them. I guess the Good Lord will sort it all out in the end. Thank you again for all the enlightenment! XXOX
Hi Sandy,
That is such an important one for so many of us to let go of and heal.
Trying to take responsibility for those who don’t take responsibility for themselves.
Which actually doesn’t let them fall and stop using others to avoid their inner wounds!
NARP Module 6 is all about healing that gap in our boundaries!
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am enormously grateful for the personal attention you give to each and every one of us who are charting our paths to higher ground. Your strength and gifts are a lifeline!
Awww Sandy,
Thank you, your words mean a lot to me.
Much love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Wow, Melanie, this article really hit home to me today. I am 3 years post narc, having been discarded with no notice. One morning we were laughing and joking about something, the next I asked him to remove my name from his current ‘get rich’ scheme ( he used my name, not his ) and after 20 years, this was the first time I stood my ground. I left for a meeting, came home and he announced he was ‘moving downstairs and that it was all my fault’. Bam – our relationship was over after, as I mentioned, 20 years. The reason your article hit me is about other ‘narcs’ in my life. I realized, as time went on, that I had a collection of narcs all around me and my constant praise of them soothed them. I was full-out narc fodder to a host of people. I have a brother I love who has a narc for a wife. I have always catered to her over the years, ignoring her domineering ways and her narc behavior. I stopped doing this, recognizing her for who she is. For instance, we organized a trip to see a play and she changed the whole date and time without consulting me, fully expecting the old ‘Sue’ to give in. I didn’t, and didn’t go. Anyhow I was hurting this weekend a whole lot. She lives 3 hours away and is vacationing with my brother an hour away. She told me where she was going and didn’t invite me. The last time she went there, I was invited and spent the day with them. This time she informed me she was going and they invited a female friend – very passive person – to go with them, not me. I’ve been hurt all week about this, coming to terms with the fact that I have been discarded by her. I won’t do her bidding anymore and she has been very cruel to me. Guess I am still coming to terms that I have several narcs in my life, not just my ex, and a lot of my relationships have changed enormously. But it still hurts to be discarded. Thanks so much for this article. You helped me understand and heal. THANK YOU.
Hi Sue,
I’m so pleased this article was timely and helped.
I really want you to know that not just the trauma of precious discards can be healed beyond, but also the reoccurring pattern in our life.
I’d love you to check out my free inner transformational resources to understand how to heal this for real.
The starting point is here:
http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/freecourse
Sending healing and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have been with a man for 11 yrs. They have been the most damaging 11 yrs of my life. I gave everything I had financially, physically and emotionally thinking this would make him realize how much I loved him and how valuable I was in his life. Well it did nothing for me, except give him more leverage to use against me. No matter what I have done it was never right, good enough or just discarded. He has caused me terrible legal problems, tried to send me to prison, caused my children to distance themselves made me homeless. Now that I have started to take a stand in my own behalf he has decided that I need to be taught a lesson. I have finally realized that it will never be anything except what it is and I can’t live with that any longer. I desperately want and need help to get past all the damage that he has caused me. I want a wholesome normal relationship with a truly loving person but I am afraid I will just get involved with another narcissist man. How do I keep that from happening and be true to myself?
Hi Tammy,
You poor thing you have been through so much.
The total answer is to heal, by doing the inner work to release the terrible trauma you have experienced and the unconscious reasons regarding why you were trying to earn love and approval – which so many of us were doing in these relationships, rather than having our own inner worth and healthy boundaries.
NARP my healing program is all about finding and releasing and reprogramming our original traumas that have unconsciously led us into playing out our wounds with narcissistic people, so that no only do we heal our trauma symptoms but don’t repeat these horrific relationships again.
To find out more about what led to my own and thousands of other people’s full recoveries in this community – the starting point is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie, I was in a long term marriage to a narcissist and have been out of that marriage for 13 yrs now. I have been diving deep into improving myself and feeling pretty good about my healing and my relationship with myself and my family. Now in the last 2-3 months, since my father has been moved from his home to assisted living, I’ve been dealing with my siblings, who have started to treat me in many of the same ways as the ex treated me. While the ex was an overt narcissist, I am now dealing with a covert passive aggressive brother, and an in your face, ‘tough shit’ sister. The overt is so blatant and easily seen, but the covert is whole different animal, it’s just so hard to wrap my head around…I don’t know what he’s going to do or when, or the reasons behind these passive aggressive acts of anger, directed at me. The sister and brother have been making decisions for my father, and in some cases, issues that directly affect me, and they are leaving me completely out of the loop. The sister commands me around to do things that make her life easier, but no conversations with me, no imput from me and they are implementing actions without my knowledge. When I’ve found out about the things they’ve implemented after the fact, they are angry with me, and I’m told ‘tough shit’ this is the way it is going to be! They have also taken any and all decisions out of my father’s hands, who is quite lucid and able to make decisions and speak for himself…he now has no voice! They have set up a very adversarial environment and I’ve been cast to the sidelines, for reasons unknown to me. I don’t even recognize these siblings any more. I’ve been forced, for my own well being to take a step back from these siblings, and completely remove myself from the situation, because it is affecting my physical, emotional and mental health. I am reeling trying to understand this, and feel like I’m back to where I was when my marriage with the ex imploded! I’m left to wonder if the ex is the only narcissist in my life?…
Hi Brenda,
I am so sorry you are going through this again.
The total truth is when we are powerless to be heard and to have rights and feel terribly traumatised by anyone on our life, the only way forward is to pull away, and release and heal from the trauma.
That grants us the next step, the relief and the evolution beyond what is happening to us, regardless of whether we can enact change on the situation or not.
That’s what my inner transformational resources are about – regardless of who the toxic person in our life is.
This can help you gain relief and clarity: http://www.melanietoniaevabs.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Wishing you healing and breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I love reading your blogs and listening to your podcasts Melanie, each time gaining further understanding and clarity.
At first I could only relate to bits of what you talk about however I find now the more I read the more I understand.
Just fantastic.
I cant help but feel compassion toward the Narcs in my life as I still care for them but now my primary
concern is taking care and stepping up for myself in a loving way. It has the amazing spin off effect of having others
care for me in return thereby creating mutually loving relationships with a deeply satisfying flow of give and take that is drama and trauma free.
Bless you Melanie I want to be like you when I grow up!
Hi Robyne,
That is so wonderful that you are self partnering and honouring you and therefore honouring all of life in healthy ways!
I’m really happy my material has helped you.
Continued love and blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie
I have been following your blogs for several years now and you never cease to inspire me further. You were the one who made me realise that no contact is the only way forwards because up till then I was always of the assumption I could change the narc in my life. Most of your followers seem to have husbands/partners as the narc in their life. Mine happens to be my mother. I now realised how I have been groomed by this person all my life and this latest blog has made me understand why I have experienced such painful emotions on going no contact. I have almost come to the end of my first year and am determined I will never go back, but somehow still get the feelings that to discard your own flesh and blood is wrong and shouldn’t be happening. I still feel I have a long journey ahead.
Hi Lauren,
I am so pleased I have been able to inspire you to honour you.
Do you know that my NARP Program, to detox, release and live free of all related traumas to n-abuse is for any narcissist in your life, including Family of Origin?
That is my biggest suggestion for you to heal from this: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I think I can see the stages of healing happening rapidly for me now by following your program and listening to your video.
What once was this insatiable desire to get the narcissist to see logically how cruel and inhumane their actions were to me and my children moved into a need to “show” them I was detached from them, like an “I don’t need you- I’ll show you” how good I am without you type of vibration then once I really started to look at ALL of my relationships, parents, relatives and any friends that were not showing up for me to support me in my becoming the highest version of myself- this was the real liberator. I began to feel that painful desire to the narc- it felt so familiar- and I began to see how it was the original wound of my parents dismissing me and my needs. It was never about the narc- it was about me and my wounding. He can’t fix it- only I can.
This has propelled me into I think the final state- true indifference. There is not a need for justice. There is not a need to “prove.” There is just a need to move forward and away from anyone that can’t show up in a healthy, reciprocal way. Thank you. So within, so without.
How perfect Ali,
You totally have shifted into total emancipation and your soul graduation from this.
Just beautiful! Thrive On! This is where the magic begins.
All my love
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I love what I’ve seen and read from you thus far.
I am stuck on this question from your article “What traumas in my life have left me feeling so discarded – unworthy, unloved and unsafe – that I am repeating this with other incapable and damaged people now?”
I left my 3rd husband nearly 2 years ago after 17 years of marriage. For the past 18 months he has been hoovering me (and it was working :() to get me back into his life. This roller-coaster of love/betrayal has nearly destroyed me. I finally went “no contact” 6 weeks ago – and it’s been extremely difficult and I’m dealing with anxiety.
Back to the question. LOL. I know I have childhood trauma but I have no memory of actual events that caused it. All I can remember is feeling scared. My father was some form of narcissist and an alcoholic. I was afraid to be alone with him for fear that he would hurt me. When I reached puberty, I literally thought he would come into my room at night and stab me to death. I did not observe or experience any physical violence in our family, so I have never been able to explain this intense fear. I definitely see the pattern of the type of men I become involved with and marry. How can your program help when memories of trauma/abuse are lost?
Hi Goldie,
That’s wonderful my information resonates with you.
Goldie please know that with NARP the logical information about the inner trauma is absolutely not necessary to heal beyond it.
In fact cognitive assimilation is the barrier – hence why so many of us – even WHEN knowing where our childhood wounds took place still had no ability to live free of the effects of them.
The real truth is trauma is from collective history, epigenetic wounds and other sources – not just childhood wounds, and NARP takes us cellularly to all these necessary levels of dense energy, and allows us to load up and release that toxicity cellularly, and reprogram it with our Higher Self (the healing and the resolution of it) whether we get any logical information about it or not.
Trauma is an emotional energy that only needs to be’felt’ to be resolved, with the right tools. In fact ‘thinking’ and ‘logical dissection cant resolve it, even regarding its origin, because the trauma still remains locked within, and the thinking pathways will always default back to the inner traumatised composition.
When we start working with real
Quantum tools in NARP to heal, we begin to wonder how on earth we though we could or would heal our trauma the old ‘thinking’ way.
I hope this has encouraged you to park the ‘trying to work it out’ and start the process of going to ‘what hurts’ in your body and ‘releasing it out’ … for real.
I’d so love to help you achieve that and discover the freedom and power you will gain through NARP, which does need to be experienced (felt) to be understood!
Sending blessings and breakthroughs to you Goldie.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie- Do narcissists know the truth about themselves? I know they portray an air or superiority and entitlement, however, do they truly believe that they are superior? I struggle to understand if they recognize the truth about themselves and work very hard to mask it or if they truly believe they are superior.
Hi Lidia,
This video of mine may help answer that question https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5KfsdxMSy2Q
In regard to superiority, narcissists are deeply insecure people who feel incredible inferior. The False Self is a malignant cover up for this.
However ones self delusional lies can be compelling. Hence why when reality or others trying for accountability hits, narcissists suffer extreme narcissistic injury and insult.
They cannot bear for the ‘lie’ to be threatened.
I hope the video helps explain more.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I agree. They cannot stand for the “lie” to be threatened. I think narcissists are most dangerous (ex: physically abusive) when you expose the truth about them. When I was married to one I would never go toe-to-toe with him in an argument. My gut instinct was that this guy could get physically abusive. I chose to walk away. Unfortunately for his next wife things were different. She stood up for her rights and paid the price – broken arm, fractured jaw etc. The N paid a price too! He landed in jail for quite some time and forever has those incidents on his criminal record.
Hi Melanie. I honestly don’t know how your thriver plan came to me during a Google Search but it did. It has to be a sign of what I need to do. Now! My husband and I have been separated for a year and a half and it’s been a cycle. I originally left due to him cheating but in this last year or 2 it’s been turned around and I’ve been treated like the one who messed up and needs to prove myself. I had to move back into the home we built together due to losing my job and the inability to do that job because of long term depression and flat out not trusting that anybody is going to ever give me unconditional love or friendship, be there for me when I need them the way I am there when somebody needs me. This month has been pure pain inflicting torture. Like you said I am completely and utterly destroyed. My husband….the same man that I truly thought was my soul mate and I believed him without doubt that he thought the same. That man now despises me. He accuses me of trying to take “his home” and he try with everything he’s got to make me believe it is his home and I have no rights. I’ve said all the things u say “soul less” “he never truly loved me. All an act” I’ve realized he was narcissistic for a little while now. I am scared. I don’t know if I can keep being strong. He’s mean, so many threats, my own family is questioning and doubtful that I’m not taking drugs. I feel so alone. I want to stop loving him and caring what happens to him so bad but he’s done so many horrible things to hurt me and I still. Can’t stop how I feel. There is hope right? I’ve got 2 younger kids that I’m holding on for and it’s not a very strong stringing Im tired. I’m list on what to do next other than sign up with you. What are my other resources. I need legal help but am barely getting by financially. Is there help for that. Thank you Melanie I think you may have been sent to me by a beautiful angel I call mom. I’m looking forward to feeling whole and happy again.
Hi Lindsey,
My heart goes out to you and please know there is hope.
Lindsey have you come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar ?
I suggest that as your first step ASAP so that you can learn how to get power, strength and your life back.
Sending healing and breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Now I’m little bit confused with this theme why narcissists inevitably discard you, because every now and then I hear stories about women who have been married with n’s like 30 years. Why in such case the n didn’t do the discard earlier? Just curious…
I was being discarded for sure, even before any “official” relationship, engagement or marriage. I know how silly this is and I absolutely not should “envy” women who have been married with a n…but there’s little bit this hurt feeling, why he didn’t propose me? I know, I know…it’s a blessing that the relationship ended, before we would have become married, live together etc…
Hi Julia,
The real truth is these people at the very least have been emotionally discarded by n’s, even if still ‘together’.
If a narcissist is having certain fundaments of their life taken care of, whilst they can remain doing what they do – why not stay?
Our healing Julia from the patterns and pain of narcissistic abuse always lies in meeting the particular trauma they trigger within.
The ones where narcissists stay on is something like this for these women ‘I’m used by others for their benefit. I don’t have my own rights and voice and I’m simply here to serve others’ …. whereas for people like many of us who were discarded, our childhood and ancestral wounds go more like this, ‘I’m not worth loving or committing to’.
When you meet and heal that wound within, not only will all the pain be gone, that pattern will also cease playing out in your life.
That’s the deep necessary inner healing that NARP creates to change our life http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
“The real truth is these people at the very least have been emotionally discarded by n’s, even if still ‘together’.”
This is a very good point! Something I haven’t thought about before.
I think for me the wounding is/was: other women are “chosen” by men, not me, that must mean I’m inferior. I cannot trust men/love, they can just take and leave at any time.
No wonder the discard and he founding the new woman hurt so much! As if it somehow “confirmed” my beliefs are true.
When I have done healing work and have nothing to do with the ex n anymore, I feel I should not focus on narcissism at all anymore!! It doesn’t feel good to me. Not even relevant anymore. But I’m just curious also…does narcissism “ease” or become somehow less severe when the person becomes older? Or worse? I feel when time passes, he becomes older, that his new relationship is somehow less drama free, or who knows…
Normal people learn “life lessons”, grow, mature, evolve, gain wisdom. I think this is what it is, to live the life, this is something what’s “supposed” to happen when we become older. But doesn’t this happen to a n at all? Don’t they “learn” anything in or from relationships? Or maybe they don’t even want to, to work towards that goal, to have more harmonious relationships, understand each other better etc. Shocking.
Hi Julia,
It really is so true that we get Lunden by narcissist with exactly the beliefs that we go inwards to heal to completely change our previous painful love trajectories to healthy ones.
That is the gift when we turn inwards and free ourselves from these internal traumas.
Truly narcissism gets worse as people get older. She may just be more compliant at this stage to the abuse. And … many people don’t see what goes on behind closed doors.
To learn and evolve means to face ones own inner being and wounds and transform them.
That should answer your question as to whether ns do that or not!
Truly, our salvation lies in simply taking care of our own evolution.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
In 2014 I met a man who came in and swept me off my feet. For a few months he courted me, got me to trust him, he opened up to me and honestly I thought I had met the man of my dreams. After some time we finally did the “ deed” to wake up the next morning, him leaving. Our goodbyes were like many others and nothing would cause me to be suspicious. As I was straightening up I realized he had left a few things and hurringly tried to reach him by phone before getting in the freeway just to get no answer. At 1st, it could have been anything so I waited for a call back that didn’t come. I was blown away. Confused, hurt.. I had NEVER HAD A MAN EVER DO THIS. This was the start of the “ pushing me back” phase. I would give him what he wanted ( space) he’d come back around.. I had NEVER HEARD THE WORD NARCISSIST. I didn’t know what it was. I thought I had met a man who was a player.
So with all the back and forth, I learned to just adapt to what he’d do. Go missing for months, never return texts, in answered calls. I would move on.. try to date.. but this man had a hold on me. In October.. after years of therapy, intense working out, meeting nice men.. I finally said enough! I was done!! I just told myself he’s “ shuffled” you out, he has new supply and probably wouldn’t know your name.. I moved on. The weight, worry was over. Holidays came and went then BOOM! 2 months of not hearing from me, he calls, starts all the “ nice talk”. Whats weird is I thought, wow.. he had a taste of not having me. I really thought he missed me. I caved. After that.. I was a mess. I knew in my gut I had unleashed this madness again. I suddenly couldn’t eat, sleep.. my head was jumbled as to why? Why did he reach out? Of course never any communication, the calls would start to slow down… and I, after 2 months of this new in my heart I had to let it go. I didn’t throw blame to him. I just said what I New he would never do. I simply said.. I’m not competing for anyone’s attention because I wont. Do you, have at it. If in your future as he’s in his late 50’s ( yes they act this way) your done with the games, get tired.. and want a serious relationship, if I’m still single we can talk. It’s what I had to say without feeling guilty, questioning myself, was I to mean?? Funny right? I know myself.. for whatever reason it made me feel strong. I sent that on Sat and he never ever responded. If that doesn’t say anything. If I meant anything to this man, if he was just a good soul, we would have talked. I’m fine. I know I can’t be with a man who is with other women. It was learning and ( yes it’s taken a long time) to understand narcissistic people, that most likely I was not the only one in his life. He was juggling me and others. I had to take myself out of that equation. I know I’ll heal as I had back in October. The only thing I question myself is… is he narcissistic? Or is he just a player? Is he just a non communicator? Is he just so frustrated with me that he doesn’t want to indulge in my frustration? The gut tells me he is a Narc. It’s crazy that I legitimately tell myself he never cared, and that’s sad.
Sorry for the long note as I just found your web page. I wish there were support groups to sit and talk with others.
Hi Kim,
How heartbreaking and confusing … big hugs!
The real truth is Kim that when we stop trying to work out ‘who’ they are, completely let go of the focus on them and come inside ourselves to deeply investigate and heal the hook in us .,. Then we get relief and freedom.
The hook in us is this type of wound, ‘who in my past abandoned me, wouldn’t commit to me and love me and didn’t treat me as valid?’
Because then we can understand it is that trauma that has set up our internal love code to connect to people who we act that out again as our love matches.
The necessary inner work is not logical, it is done by deeply self partnering and doing the work to release and replace our inner painful love codes.
That is what all of my healing resources are about, which go way beyond just my videos and blogs.
The first step to take that necessary inner journey is here Kim: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending love and breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello s..I want to share this with you …I have a narc bf …one day he stopped talking to me after that I tried to contact him twice but he blamed me for the same and said there is nothing left to talk about ..I don’t know what to do now….is it the final discard from his side….is he really going to leave me forever…I want to know if he ever going to come back in my life…as this had many times with us ..but this time it’s been more than a month but he is not hoovering me at all…is it a final discard
Good morning. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and feel like I am ready to jump into NARP. I have tried everything else I can think of, reached out to many therapists, yoga, massage and read as much as I can on the subject of Narcissistic Abuse and still feel stuck in the same sad place, feeling discarded ( he replaced me within 10 months, moving the new girlfriend into our house with our children, not caring what affect it would have on them), devasted and lost. I don’t know how to go on and remake my life. My children pretty much want to be with him (the oldest won’t even come to me because he used parental alienation), as I left the marital house with everything in it and move to a tiny 2 bedroom carriage house. He seems to have everything ( the kids, house , money, new girlfriend) and I am struggling financially and emotionally. I am stuck and cannot find a way out!!
Is NARP going to help me dig out of this place I am in and teach me to change my mindset so I can create a life I love and finally be at peace. I am willing to do the work, I just need to know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel!!
Hi Courtney,
What you have been through is so awfully painful and my heart goes out to you.
Yes, please know NARP is the incredible process to get free from unspeakable trauma, and have big breakthroughs.
Myself and the team look forward to helping support your Thriver journey in the NARP Forum.
Love and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie!!
I am so happy that I came across your youtube videos!! I had reached a point of wondering what the heck was wrong with me and began searching for videos that would address what I had done that was so wrong to be so devalued? I find it mind blowing that at this point I see the narcissism started with my mother then trickled down to my siblings and now have seen this in my own son. After reading this article I wanted to just cry and release the pain but where do you start when there are four people who have done this over and over and over again and I fell for it every time. Now that I am seeing this behavior in my own son who I raised and loved unconditionally it’s hard to think of what part of it did I have in it that made him that way. I had for over a year cut my mother off because she was so brutal with her words. Not understanding that she was a narcissist the cycle started over when my step father died and she clung to me like a piece of wet toilet paper. As for my siblings one always acted like a martyr and had to be praised for every right thing she had done. She was pretty cool when I would agree with her and say things like “If I had half your brain I’d be dangerous” or “You are the best at everything you do” but as soon as I voiced my hurt feelings over my mother’s irrational behavior my feelings were thrown away like they were insignificant to what she had dealt with. As for my younger sibling she was reckless. She always had a way of putting me down and my inability to ever do anything right and boy was she quick to switch a story up making me look like the bad guy if anyone ever spoke highly of me. Recently when she found out that my son had blown up and cut me off and never wants to hear my name or discuss me she jumped on the bandwagon and went out of her way to spend time with him. She then went and told my mother who in turn “slipped” and told me. I had no idea that this was transpiring because my sister never had anything to do with my kids and I would have never guessed they all would be in “cahoots” if you will. After reading the first two ebooks I deactivated my facebook that had my sister and mother on it. My son had blocked me so that wasn’t an issue. However I’m coming to the realization that my son was talking with my sister who talks to my mother who of course was talking to me and she was reporting back. I’m beginning the no contact phase which actually feels good to know I won’t be feeding them their supply. The damage I have allowed to compile on the abuse I suffered as a young child is huge and I hope you have steps I can take daily to end the vicious cycle and be ok with it. I know I have done the best I could as a daughter a sister and a mother. Now I have to believe it.
Hi Lori,
I’d love to help you release the trauma of n abuse as well as the hooks and patterns …
NARP is my recovery stestem that myself and thousands of others have taken to heal for real.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
To lean more about how NARP can help you if love you to join in my free workshop here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank You Mel!! I am looking forward to the workshop!! You are a blessing!! <3
Hello, I would like to share my store. I was in a 9 year realationship or I thought it was a realationship. Up until 6 mo. Ago. I have about drop e my self batty. I cry everyday .I even commented my self 2 weeks ago because I was really looking it. I just don’t understand what happen or why he has all of a sudden cut me completely out of his life. He has told me several things why but it is always different. And no he has blocked me every way he can to keep from haveing any contact with me. And of course I blamed my self and have really acted like a stalker and a poor pitful person to the point of making my self sick of how I have been begging him to come back. But I realise now that it is not me and it is him but it is still hard for me to except that I thought we would be together for ever. But to my surprise is isn’t going to happen . But your article and your summanor have helped a lot I am beginning to see not quit understanding it but seeing things that are similar . I am hoping to continue to be infomed and learn to like and love me again and try to get him out of my head because this has really taken a toll on me … Thanks for letting me share
Id just like to write about 2 things that have struck me as important in my healing process, and it is quite interesting its affect when we talk about ego, superficiality and true self, universal consciousness etc.
My first point is about how alot of the self help teachings, which are very similar to buddhism in fact did not have the desired effect until I started introducing things into my life that they do not necessarily advocate to do, and il explain why.
Materialism
When the relationship ended i was working very hard, plenty of overtime to keep the house we had bought as part of the divorce settlement. During this time, whilst taking on a great deal of parental responsibilities I was run down, not well groomed and in desperate need of a new wardrobe of clothes. It is only since I had started spending alot of money on designer clothes, getting a nice haircut and ensuring my appearence is impeccable that my confidence and healing has accelerated and a good rate. And it is due to the fact that you are loving yourself, you are taking care of yourself and telling yourself you are worthy of wearing such high quality of clothing. Its not an arrogance thing and should not alter the way you conduct yourself with other people. I know what they say about materialism, im not sure what it says about me. I feel Its not about the item you bought and perceptions of others, its how it alters your perception of your self value.
Showing True Self
Breaking out of codependency is not easy, ive spent a lifetime being a people pleaser, my personality is malliable to make other feel at ease but to my own detriment. Being true to yourself is about assertiveness, but i wonder if we struggle to know when were ready to be honest with others around us, when we are not quite virtuotousness enough yet. I guess what im saying is there are assumptions that codepedents are highly virtuotous people, i know for a fact I am not always, i am not perfect, i do feel an urge to be a better person though. With the help of meditation you can get to that good level i believe. But what you gonna do in the meantime? Shout at the people closest to you when you tired and angry. Ignore people when the urge is there to say what they want to hear. Basically its difficult to align that route to the happy true self and ensuring you expose it to others at the right time.
Thank you so much for this great article. So reassuring to know I’m not the only one here losing my mind. Yes the trauma from being “the one” to being discarded overnight was beyond traumatic. There was very little “devalue” other than a reduction in the lovebombing so again, a total shock. Every day for over a year, I cried and thought about how did I just lose the love of my life. We had just about everything in common and knew of each other for over 30 yrs from college. I didn’t know why he didn’t want to see or talk to me to even explain his text, yes, a text! that we can’t see each other any more. Grown adults – I get a text! Deep down I knew I was replaced but my ego kept saying, no it must be his circumstances, he will be back. Well after licking my wounds and still thinking he walks on water, I noticed a new woman who looked just like me on his social media. Turns out – yep, he was seeing her. Well we got to chatting and he was already making himself unavailable, pissing her off so she gave him hell and took off, never to contact him again. (I saw the texts). THIS is what made me FINALLY get angry, and never want anything to do with him again. This strong woman was my magic wand that finally made me realize, Nope don’t deserve this creep, lets move on. Thank goodness. Sometimes it takes a dose of reality to snap you back into sanity.
Hello! I’m new here. Just wanted to say that I am enjoying your posts. They are very infomative. I had a narcissist discard me about 20 years ago and I still find myself thinking about him every once in a while. WHen he discarded me I found myself in the psych ward. And its been a fight to regain my sanity. I am doing very well now but it was difficult. I have a long way to go I just wnated to share. I hopefully will try the NARP program soon. Thank you so much for your information.
This was timely for me as well. I endured 6 weeks of the weirdest behavior I had ever been a part of. A man who prided himself on being above others , it seemed and I just called it “quirky”… A man who would routinely insult me while, simultaneous;y, love bombing me . I was perfect and I ate up the attention and the false adoration. . Until the last insult, I just blew up and really got upset .I was tired of these attacks coming out of nowhere and then dismissed. I guess this is called gas lighting because he’d act like he didn’t know what I was talking about when I brought up how harmful words made me feel. Then I became useless and no longer , perfect, but a real live human being with boundaries. So out the door, I was kicked, right after I woke up in the morning. I drove him , half clothed and in a stupor. Apparently, all of my things had been packed, already . And then I was just “ghosted ” ..Really the craziest experience I have ever had and am stuck wondering what happened.
Hi Melanie, Thank you for this! I was in a long term marriage to an overt, and got out more than 13 yrs ago. I never thought I’d ever get out of that marriage, but finally gathered everything I had and kicked him out! In the last couple years, the ex finally realized it was fruitless for him to continue to try to sabotage and punish me, even though I’ve refused to engage or react to him on any level, since our court settlement 9 years ago! Just last summer, I was finally granted a divorce!
Now, in the last year a covert brother has come out of the woodwork, which is a much different animal than the overt. None of us had any idea, because he kept it so well hidden, and because he basically stayed away from the family for years, or had very minimal contact. Over at least the last 25 years, he never helped with our dad’s care or the upkeep of dad’s home or property, he was basically AWOL, and told everyone our father is a burden! As our father’s health was deteriorating this past year, the brother’s behaviour continually escalated! He was demanding attention and to be heard/seen, when our attention should have been focused on our father’s care and needs. Everything you’ve said here, this covert is presently doing…everything!
It has come to light that this brother is holding, feeding, and keeping alive grudges going back more than 30 years, which have nothing to do with me, and I’m told, he’s over the top angry at me and our father…he’s holding the 2 of us responsible for everything, that they view has gone wrong in their life…even though he was handed everything on a silver platter throughout his life, he appreciates nothing! This brother is completely irrational, and if you don’t agree with him, you’re the the next victim of his wrath, passive aggressive BS and vindictiveness. Never mind that they’ve rewritten history, twisted and fabricated in order to keep the grudges active and to maintain the victim status they’ve assigned themselves! They have also gone behind my back to smear me to other family members, and have been acting out against me, extremely passive aggressively…he’s telling people I’m the irrational one! Since I’ve seen this behaviour with the ex, I refuse to let him get under my skin or to react in any way, nor do I try to defend myself. I’ve effectively built an impenetrable wall between us…because I refuse to give them any supply or to engage with them on any level, he’s now turning on our other sibling. Now that our father has passed, the other sibling is walking on egg shells around this brother, so as not to ‘upset’ him, they won’t listen to me about the brother….so the cycle continues…
Hi Mel
I have finally separated from him the final straw was him hitting our son in the face, my son didn’t want to go to the police because he was worried about daddy going to prison. I have reported the incident to social services. My son wants to see his dad but not alone, he wants me to come along and we have done this once but it was very painful for me as my ex gave me the silent treatment and kept pretending not to have heard me speak. He was trying to convince our son to see him alone but he said no.
Then I heard he’d been stirring stuff up with my eldest son, trying to turn him against me
I’m uplevelling and wouldn’t have achieved anything with out your help.
How do i manage our son’s visits to see this manipulative charmer?
Thanks Cherry
I have been through a friendship where 1) I’m not sure it was a real friendship, 2) my awareness and expectations of who this person really was was entirely wrong, 3) I’m not sure if I did anything to bring about her rapid change in tone with me, and 4) I’m sure I was dealing with a person with one or more personality and mood disorders.
Let’s call this friend (or should I say “friend”?) Tara. Tara works with me in the same company. She’s a couple years older than me, now in her mid-40s, and has been in this company a couple more years as well, not a supervisor, more of a senior colleague. Tara was divorced/single when we met, and I am married.
Some background: Tara had married young, she married her husband when they were classmates in grad school, and then were classmates during an arduous 5-year training program, and then another year in practice working together until they had – what I heard to be – an ugly divorce (he had taken money from her, I heard). She never spoke much about him, occasionally mentioned she thought he was an alcoholic, but said they probably would have stayed together if they had had kids (they never did, she didn’t talk about that).
So she had been in her early thirties, divorced and single. She proceeded to go through several relationships, none lasting more than two years (one man she mentioned she had been “almost engaged” to, not sure what that means). She had also been through several jobs in the same field, with different companies.
At our company, she worked two floors above me for the first couple years after I joined. She was always friendly and cordial with me, I only saw her occasionally. But I began to hear that there was some rift between her and our other staff on her floor. I never heard what exactly had happened, but know Tara to sometimes be defensive, irritable, and territorial about her work – which she occasionally expressed in angry emails to the team!
The chiefs of the department had to switch her office for other purposes, so they transferred her downstairs to my floor, a quieter floor.
Our friendship started pretty quickly then. I had been one of the few coworkers who she had been casually friendly with even before she came downstairs and I felt sorry for her about how the others were treating her upstairs. Although I didn’t know the details about what happened up there, I felt that she was a good worker who was being unfairly maligned.
We hit it off quickly. Mornings and afternoons chatting in each others’ offices, lunch together in the team breakroom, went to conferences together, walks to the company store together. We began emailing and texting quite frequently. Text conversations almost every day. Book and movie ideas, political discussions, you name it, fun chats. Her mother passed away and I spent several long phone conversations with Tara, although she later told me she generally did not like to talk on the phone. Tara describes herself as an introvert, she certainly is, and when she had her door closed and needed to just get her work done on her own, alone, I let her be. Some days she wouldn’t show up to work and I’d text to see if she was ok, she’d tell me she was having “a really bad time” and just needed to be alone.
We saw each other at concerts, where she hung out at intermission with me and my wife. Went to a few company excursions with her, she was friendly with my wife too.
Occasionally, I now realize more clearly, she didn’t treat me as a friend, though. Couple times going out with others from work, she drove me to the venue, and then just left me there without a ride at the end of the evening (once some boyfriend she was all nuts about came and took her away from our group, once she said she just needed to leave, and left me standing there alone in the parking lot calling Uber!). I asked her a couple times if she wanted to join me and my wife for dinner before a concert, and she always said she “didn’t want to be a third wheel.” When my wife and I went on a double-date with her and her then-boyfriend (later fiancee), to a festival (an excessively PDA-filled showing on their part), they just suddenly declared in the middle of the day they were leaving since he didn’t feel well. Another time we went on another double-date with them to dinner and a concert, at the end of the music, they just left without staying a minute to say goodnight. Except for one evening when I invited her (single at the time) to join me and my wife and my parents for a Christmas garden festival and nice dinner, I realize now she never wanted to go out with us unless it was to serve as a double-date for her and a guy! She never invited me out or over to her house.
She shared with me here and there some relatively private details about her life and family (although I now realize she left a lot of details about prior work and relationship life to herself). I used to ask about how she was doing all the time. I really felt more and more that I cared about her. In a purely platonic way, I’m happily married! But I cared and felt sorry for hardships she was going through and wanted (and offered) to help in any way I could.
One notable time I offered her advice I now realize may have been a major mistake. Thing is with Tara, she is very self-assured and confident that whatever she is doing is the right and smart thing to do, no matter what common wisdom says. She had embarked on her newest relationship and after only a few weeks of dating, he had moved into her house, she was planning to buy a baby grand piano to convert her home office into a music room for him, they went ring shopping, and she was planning on quitting her job and moving with him across the country in about a year to live closer to his parents. I only suggested to her that this relationship was moving very fast and she should keep her head on her shoulders – if she was sure it was the right thing, fine, but I was just hoping she wasn’t making rash decisions. (of note, I have kind of made the “instant relationship” mistake myself, and it didn’t turn out well!!). She became quiet – noticeably perturbed at my suggestion to merely think carefully about what she was doing – and tersely told me she had been through many relationships and could easily see that she had found the right man. After just over a month of dating, she knew everything that was bad about him and could live with those things.
On the other hand, I told her about some private health issues I had. And a few months into our “friendship” my wife had a baby, my new son. And she never once asked me about how those things were going, about how I was doing or the baby or my postpartum wife! Not once!
It’s remarkable to think now, but in the months before my son was born, I asked her (at first casually, then with a heartfelt written letter) if she wanted to be the Godmother to my son. She said yes, she was honored.
The major rift happened about a week before my son was born. She had been dating a guy for about 2.5 months and was very content and excited to be in a relationship (the same boyfriend from the double-dates I mentioned). On Monday she was friendly, joking around with me, had a nice chat and walked to the store with me ….
Tuesday morning … not a word. No good morning, no nothing. She shut her office door all morning, seemed very angry when I saw her come out of office in afternoon, I tried to talk to her and she abruptly and rudely cut me off in mid-sentence, closed her door in my face. And she remained like that the next week until I had to leave work for the birth.
I texted her a few times, I was concerned about her very sudden change in behavior. After my son was born, she never texted back. I was reading about depression and noticed her symptoms seemed to match almost entirely (at least from an external view). She finally wrote me a text saying she was overwhelmed and needed some space. Although she said she knew I was trying to be a good friend to her, my periodic checks on how she was doing were increasing her stress, she needed space. I understood. I sent her an emoticon text every week or so to let her know I was there if she needed to talk, but I otherwise kept silent and gave her space all that time.
When I got back to work a few weeks later, I found out from another coworker that after a couple weeks when she was very upset, people had thought she and the new guy had broken up, she came in one morning to announce they were engaged. Other than flashing the ring at me with a smirk over her shoulder, she never mentioned it to me.
Continued silence from her. A few weeks later I wrote to her, congratulated her again, but said I hoped we could clear the air between us. I said I had valued our friendship, and hoped we could resume more cordial interactions, if only for workplace harmony. She eventually replied, again stating that she was an introvert and my interactions with her were making coming to work difficult. My “constant need for attention from her” were “very draining.”
Brief list of possible reasons for all this:
1- self-centered, borderline/narcissistic personality disorder(s)
2 – insecurity/desperation being single for so long
3 – involuntary/circumstantial childlessness
4 – jealous/controlling boyfriend/fiance
I’m curious your thoughts on this painful/confusing situation.
Thanks!
Thank you so much for this article! It finally clicked! I could not understand why our perfect relationship with so much love and passion suddenly ended – I was discarded, in 1 day, with no explanation; discarded from being everything to meaning nothing at all.
All red flags are there, all of them. It tortured me for almost 2 years, I could not believe it as I could not explain it. Until now.
I am willing to let go, move on – more then anything. I’ve been working on it for a long time… The only problem left is, even though I understand all we had was a lie/ not real feelings (from his side), not real person, lies to protect the fake identity… but it’s so hard to find anyone to match up with that charm; is everything true somewhat boring? And everything charming is fake?.. :-(((((((
Hi. This evening I came across your blog and am so thankful I did. I have watched a couple of your YouTube videos and read your articles explaining what a narcissist is and how they manipulate the people around them. My sister is a prime example. Knowing that distancing myself was the best thing I could do has helped to alleviate some guilt. I moved across the country just to get away from her and our mother. Living with one narcissist was horrible but two was soul destroying. When our parents passed it should have brought us together. Instead a huge gulf developed. She waited 12 hours to contact me to tell me our mother had died. Ignored me at the wake and funeral. I came home hurt and confused. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls or emails until I finally asked in one about the division of the estate. Surprise to me! She had taken mom to her lawyer and had her change the will. She sent me a copy. The wording tore me apart. She disowned me and my children. For years my sister played a loving role towards me and my family, but all the time she was spreading horrible lies about us. Eight years and I still feel raw and humiliated. Will be signing up for your course.
Thank you!
Hi. This evening I came across your blog and am so thankful I did. I have watched a couple of your YouTube videos and read your articles explaining what a narcissist is and how they manipulate the people around them. My sister is a prime example. Knowing that distancing myself was the best thing I could do has helped to alleviate some guilt. I moved across the country just to get away from her and our mother. Living with one narcissist was horrible but two was soul destroying. When our parents passed it should have brought us together. Instead a huge gulf developed. She waited 12 hours to contact me to tell me our mother had died. Ignored me at the wake and funeral. I came home hurt and confused. She wouldn’t answer my phone calls or emails until I finally asked in one about the division of the estate. Surprise to me! She had taken mom to her lawyer and had her change the will. She sent me a copy. The wording tore me apart. She disowned me and my children. For years my sister played a loving role towards me and my family, but all the time she was spreading horrible lies about us. Eight years and I still feel raw and humiliated. It made me doubt everyone in my life, even my own children and spouse. Can I trust anyone? Maybe I am the horrible person she painted me to be? When someone hurts you this deeply it’s hard to believe that anyone loves you.
Really, thrilled to have found you. Will be signing up for your course.
Thank you!
Steph
Hi Melanie My story is not of a love that turns out to be a narcissist, but of several narcissistic and psychopathic stalkers chasing me to harass me and committing any number of crimes from trespassing, property damage, production and distribution of images with images taken with spy cameras , defamation, illegal intervention of communications, and it was first for two sexual stalkers, one of them my boss is a sexual stalker psycho capable of any crime, and the second part of this nightmare, starting with an alleged suitor who got too angry For being discarded, go, I brought the experience of the stalkers and he had the same behavior, I didn’t even let him get close. But for better or for worse, these unfortunates do not leave me alone. To my house only as rateros could they enter: to make fun of us, to humiliate us and ultimately to get money from crimes based on other crimes. Here in Mexico the authorities shine for their absence but society itself is disgusting. My own coworkers, supposed friends, told me to just remember that the State of Mexico was number 1 in femicides. And I think that, by discarding them immediately (because of the experience I had), they committed at least 9 crimes, if I had been with any of these I would already be dead.
It was another morning when I didn’t feel like getting out of the bed. The feelings of being abused, discarded and humiliated were all over me again. He discarded me, my efforts, my love right before the month we were getting married in. I invested so much in the wrong person. I still love him and it makes me feel terrible to realize that I am in love with a person who is such a malignant narc. I never want him again in my life but the feeling of loss doesn’t go away. Thank you so much for this article. My will to live is coming to an end but I am trying to get better. Your articles always help me, dear Melanie!
Trashy behavior is learnt behavior. Some just inherit the rotten dust bowl genes from their family.