Discussing the 5 signs you are ready to start dating again, is one of my most favourite topics to write about! I intimately know the difference between being terrified to love again, and having the absolute joy and blessing to be an empowered Thriving Dater!
I know many of you may feel nauseous even at the thought of it … But please let me explain.
When you know how to date, and what it takes to prepare yourself for healthy dating, then your dating experience will change forever. It will shift from being scary, annoying, painful and icky to becoming exciting, inspirational and more than hopeful.
Not only will you become a magnetic force to attract healthy and wonderful potential partners into your life, but you will also enjoy the growth, and further empowerment that dating brings you. Not just regarding potential love partners, but in every area of your life.
(I hope I have inspired you to further read on …)
However … this is my word of caution … and something that I experienced profoundly myself. If you ignore these 5 signs that you are ready to date again (which in my humble opinion are crucial), then dating is likely to be traumatic and extremely disappointing for you.
In fact, your dating experience will usually confirm for you the unhealed broken and painful beliefs that you are still carrying inside you. Meaning the exact people who you are trying to avoid and not hook up with, are the ones that seem to continue infiltrating your dating experience.
Of course, this will cause you to lose faith and possibly even retreat from dating forever,
Okay … so let’s get started with what I believe are the 5 ABSOLUTE signs that you are ready to start dating again.
Number One – You Love Being In Your Body And In Life
Please don’t ever think someone is going to come into your life to grant you happiness. A successful relationship baseline foundation is someone coming into your life who is already happy with themselves, sharing happiness with you, from a state of your self-established happiness.
Otherwise, you are looking at sharing a highly co-dependent and toxic relationship – where you will both look to the other for you own wholeness.
If you have a history of abuse, and you have not yet healed within to claim your confidence, love and joy for being yourself, then this means you are feeling unhappy, lonely and like you don’t have a fulfilling life. This leaves you highly susceptible to a narcissist who identifies where you are hurt, have something lacking and then pretending to be the provider of these things.
That is what creates the powerful and instant bonding with narcissists – they seem to fill the “gaps” within ourselves. They seem to be the saviour of our pain, loneliness and unrequited love – the love we haven’t yet learned to generate within ourself.
They know exactly how to do this!
I promise you that this used to be my “normal”. I thought that we all feel “incomplete” and “empty” without partners, but since my beautiful inner Thriver Healing journey I know how false this is.
Before I met my wonderful partner, I was FULLY in life. I travelled, socialised and did all the things that I wanted to do ALONE. I also took full responsibility for my own expansion, investments and generation of my future.
I was way passed the belief “I need a partner to do this!” One of the healthiest things about our relationship is that I still have a full relationship with life whether my partner can join me or not, and he is the same. We want to be with each other, but we don’t need to be. There is a massive difference. There is room and space for the relationship to breathe, grow and be healthy – a far cry from previous narcissistic relationships.
If you are whole and happy, then you are not needy, not presenting your gaps and not susceptible to being duped. You also won’t cling to someone when red flags (and worse) appear because you “need” this person to provide you with “this” or “that”.
As a child you had no choice – you were reliant on your parents to care for you (whether they did or not). As an adult this is a highly precarious position to put yourself in and means you are prone to tolerate abuse if it appears.
Think about this metaphor – if you go to a supermarket after eating a fulfilling nutritious meal, you are full, content and satiated. You are not likely to put junk food in your trolley.
If you go shopping when you are starving or craving toxic food to ease the pain, what do you think ends up in your trolley.
Dating is the same.
Number Two – Be Prepared To Love Dating
Let’s check out the second of the 5 signs that you are ready to date …
Enjoy dating for dating’s sake.
If you do, you get the incredible personal gains of experience, empowerment, setting boundaries, healing your triggers and becoming confident, empowered and magnetic with potential dates.
This means changing it around from, “I hate dating, it’s such a waste of time, I just hope I meet someone quickly so that I don’t have to go through this” to “Every person I meet is an experience to heal, empower and develop myself beyond my previous relationship fears and the places within myself where I was handing my power away.”
Yaya!
Know this: multiple dating is healthy – platonic multiple dating. This is about valuing yourself, your worth and your Soul.
It is foolhardy and immature to fall straight into bed with someone before assessing WHO this person is. Apart from the STD health issue, there is also a grave danger of connecting chemically and being swept away before knowing WHO you are connecting to.
Additionally, this is a recipe to being used and abused and not creating a truly foundational committed sexually exclusive relationship – which many women find out the hard way – “I thought I was in a relationship and now my calls are not being returned.”
By holding off with sex until you have an exclusivity understanding after having assessed over time if someone’s values match yours, then healthy suitors know you value yourself, and will present themselves in droves to you, eliminating other less valuable options.
With your shift from the former neediness of, “How can I appeal to you so that you like me” you have become a sought-after person who inspires good people’s interest and attraction by conducting yourself as, “Are you someone who matches my values and truth and could be a life partner?”
It’s intoxicating. It’s a turn-on for healthy people.
Brilliantly, it’s also a turn-off for narcissists (I’ll get to that later…).
As a healed-up Thriver Dater you can enjoy EVERY dating experience. You are learning to be comfortable in the presence of others, ask questions, be investigative in a powerful yet unobtrusive way, observe others, have boundaries and know that you are growing at an incredible rate by healing triggers that arise, learning to define who you are, and who and what is a true match for you.
You also begin to love feeling magnetic, safe and powerful in your body, knowing you have the ability to be valued and sought after!
All that panic of, “Please God this next one HAS to be the one!” Or, “Just show me how to identify a narcissist, because I hate wasting time dating the wrong people” is gone.
Thank goodness! Because now you can just enjoy being and developing yourself … which brings us to the next section.
Number Three – Be Yourself
I used to think that I was too much for any man.
I used to believe that as a powerful, intelligent women I needed to dumb myself down so that men were not threatened by me.
When you deeply heal within and let go of the painful limiting beliefs of your past, I promise you that you will KNOW and FEEL the truth, which is – the right person for you will love you as you are.
If you pretend to be someone who you are not, then you will get a False Self in your life. How do you know when you are trying to be loved and approved of rather than loving and approving of yourself?
By ignoring your inner intuition, when something feels off, and not speaking up and not aligning with your values. By responding in ways that you think someone wants to hear in order to like and accept you. By going along with someone even when it’s not your truth.
Then of course lying to yourself with justifications such as, “Oh, that will be okay … I know I can handle that.” Or, “I’m sure I can change this person’s mind in the future.”
This is neediness. It’s Wrong Town. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I know, because before Thriver Recovery I used to do it all the time.
If you have not established the boundaries of your truth and values, and IF you let people get past these, then the fox is in the hen house.
Who you accept, is who you get.
If you don’t listen to your intuition, can’t show up, speak up and lay boundaries – then you won’t be respected and you run the risk of being abused. There is a price to pay for our unhealed wounds and lack of personal healing and development. We stay the same on the inside and just try different strategies, such as, “I’ll just learn how to identify these toxic people better”.
It doesn’t work – narcissists do not wear a T-shirt with, “Hi, I’m a narcissist” on it. Rather, they show up as lovely, charming, compassionate people. They are con-people. They are in the business of duping people so that they can suck their life-force and resources.
How do you avoid getting ensnared again? By powerfully being yourself. Trusting your gut, confronting things that feel off, watching the responses you receive. Do not get sucked in and pledge your time and emotional investment to ANYONE before investigating over time.
Retain your Thriving established life and boundaries, and do NOT drop everything to let ANYBODY hook up with you in a flash to get into your body, soul, home and finances.
Let’s consider this in easy to understand ways – you need to know your truth, your values and BE them.
If you are not ready to be this level of power, love and grace to yourself then do the inner work diligently, so that you know that in no way will you ever be susceptible to a narcissist again.
Then you couldn’t care less if you end up on a date with one, because you have NOTHING to fear. In fact, you will be punching the air with joy when you realise that they are a narcissist but that they can’t ensnare you and must move on to much more susceptible and easier to pick off supply sources.
It’s no insult to you, it’s a massive compliment to your development that you now effectively repel them.
Number Four – Take Your Time
I jokingly tell people that I used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than choosing a future love partner.
For me, it used to be, “You are cute, intelligent and tall with broad shoulders!”
Now I know how dangerous and reckless it is to just be attracted by chemical and physical attraction.
Knowing your necessary values for ANY partnership – like honesty, compassion, personal responsibility, ability to find solutions, have care for others and so on and so forth is essential. You need to get very clear about the values you live by and what you would like to receive in your life.
It takes time to ascertain and get to know someone’s values. People think common interests are essential. No they are not! Interests are negotiable, values are NOT!
Imagine this, you let someone straight in to your heart, body, bed and life then wake up one morning thinking, “I really don’t like you as a person” because you realise they don’t have a nice character. Then of course you are already hooked and have embarked on a quest to try to change this person.
We all know how badly that turns out!
A person’s character is their character. If they are not kind, honest, caring and don’t take personal responsibility for their actions, and don’t have the capacity or desire for true union and teamwork then there is ZERO possibility of a healthy relationship with this person.
The same goes for choosing an addict or someone who doesn’t want to commit to you. You have to stop KIDDING yourself!
Would you purchase a car with an irreversible hopeless chassis or motor issues? Would you buy a house that is built on a swamp and is sinking?
Of course not, and this is why you need to get VERY CLEAR about what constitutes the real-life fundaments for a relationship to have any chance of success, and stop making excuses for yourself and other people by making choices that are not healthy.
If you don’t heal and wise up in these areas and embody these truths, then it’s likely you could have more wasted years, another broken heart, Soul, finances and health disasters – having to start all over again.
How many times do we need to do this … until we stop doing this?
You don’t have to keep doing this. (I’m going to talk to you about HOW you can start reversing this at the end of this article.)
Number Five – Be Prepared To Lose It All To Get It All
This is my question to you, “If someone steps over your boundaries and won’t meet you at your values with REAL responsible, humble and truthful action … would you leave them?”
What I am really asking you is this, “Do you love and value yourself enough to walk away? Are you prepared to LOSE it all to GET it all?”
If you can’t honestly and powerfully say “yes” to both of these questions, then in my humble opinion it is not safe for you to date yet. Getting back out there will be like Russian Roulette.
Let’s get very clear, the emergence of narcissistic traits in a potential partner like pathologically lying, cheating and being malicious and abusive are UNACCEPTABLE no matter WHAT someone professes to do to change for you.
For these, it is “There is the door and do not re-enter it.”
Anything else is abusing yourself.
What I am really talking about, in regard to clear boundaries is this – everyone can have a bad day. Humans are not perfect, they can screw up and do something careless, clumsy or hurtful. Decent people, when you explain that they have hurt you, have the ability to be remorseful and take responsibility and not just say the words that mean sorry but also engage in the actions that show mean they mean it.
That is a normal, healthy expectation for you to have.
That is not expecting anyone to fly to the moon.
You need to get very clear about what are deal breakers and what are not.
When I first started Thriver Dating 100% there were relationships, I needed to say a big, fat “NO” to. If I didn’t, I would only be signing up for more of the same. Was this terrible or meant that these relationships were a failure? No.
This was meant to be, because this was my graduation to prove to Myself, Source and Life that I finally loved and valued myself enough to be my own generative Source of love. I was no longer trying to be loved and rescued from external sources, I was completely and utterly aligned with healthy choices and actions for myself.
This is why I broke through and had success with love, because I was absolutely prepared to lose it all to get it all, and you may need to do the same. Hence why it is so important to understand that every relationship you have is a roaring success, even if it ends, because it is always granting you exactly what you need to be true to yourself and create REAL love.
In Conclusion
I hope that you found these 5 signs that you are ready to date again extremely helpful! Please let me know in the comments below, where you’re at regarding dating again.
I also hope that you know my work and the information that I share isn’t about dancing around what True Recovery or True Love really means.
Personally I experienced what it is like to lose years and years in pain, suffering, distraction, wrong turns and then having to repeatedly rebuild all over again. This is why I am SO passionate about you healing for real, in a STRAIGHT line, so that you CAN have the beautiful love, joy and intimate relationship that is your Soul Truth to have.
I know you don’t have to hide out in your home for the rest of your life. I know that you don’t have to give up on love, and I know that you don’t have to go through another abusive relationship, IF you are prepared to invest in and put the time, effort and self-devotion into healing yourself.
Getting love right is one of the most cherished desires of our wonderful community. If you are ready to go on the journey of securing REAL love for yourself as the building block to True Love, then I am so excited to share the following with you …
In this program you will heal in a beautiful supportive “healing bootcamp” environment, directly with me and my team virtually in person – covering so many of the areas we talked about today.
My Thrive 10-week program is all about healing you, establishing your rock-solid truths, values and boundaries and learning how to connect with real, solid and healthy people for your future wonderful Thriving Life … as well as so much more!
I can’t recommend Thrive enough to help you begin Empowered Dating, an Incredible Life and every other expansion you seek. You can find out all about Thrive including exactly what we will be covering during the 10 weeks right here.
And as always, I am SO looking forward to answering your questions and comments below.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for all the wonderful advice! To be honest, I am not even remotely ready for dating! I have too many inner wounds to heal and I need to stabilize and continue to develop my relationship with my little inner being. 👨👦 Quite truthfully that is more important than dating at this point in my life….When the time comes, however, I will hope to use and be able to refer to this blog and all its wisdom and guidance. Thank you so much for everything you have helped me with,
Melanie, and NARP. ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
I understand as three years later I am still not interested in a relationship. I lost the illusion of a home and family and with it a con man and my parents that had been abusive ( I accepted it all my life and had no boundaries until the penny dropped) myself and my two children are now living a very quiet life. I couldn’t expose my children to more of the same. I hope you get over the inner pain that narcissists bring out
Thank you Fiona!
For sure it is difficult but listening to Melanie and trying my best to absorb her wisdom and experience is so helpful! I hope that things get better for you as well.
The very, very best to you and your children. 🙏
Hi Peter,
you are very welcome and I’m really pleased this helps.
That’s so great that you are taking your time with the relationship with you.
It’s the most beautiful position to commit to.
Many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much, Melanie! Your words ALWAYS mean so much to me!
Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
I always read your post with interest, they have so helpful in getting me to where I am now, which is 6 months later. We are not born with the capabilities to cope with a narcissist, that is why it tears us asunder. My partner of 35 years has been having an affair with my best friend and birthday twin , she is 20 years younger than me, and she has played me very well, it was only after her husband got suspicious and set up a camera in their house that it was revealed. The shock and trauma of it nearly sent me over the edge, I never thought I would recover, but I have, and you have played a huge part in it. I would have joined your group but he cut my money off, gave me hell because I wouldn’t accept their relationship and so I put the property on the market, which I have almost sold, and he still tries to stuff me up, being awkward about selling etc etc.
I read your post about dating and it made me smile, yes, I could do with a “fancy man’, wine and dine me, and say goodnight, nothing more than that, I am not so young anymore, so we will wait and see, and to be honest, I am very happy with my own company now, and realise what a lot I have been missing in my life with him. He just doesn’t know how to behave with me, no contact was a life saver, even though he couldn’t stand it and would come hammering at my door demanding I speak to him, the police have been supportive, as have all my friends and family. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and we women can get through abuse, it just takes time and no contact. You have been great Melanie, I found you in the nick of time. Bless you. Pam
Hi Pam,
wow that is so painful … you are doing a great job of getting through this!
I’m so pleased that my material has been helping you.
Sending you love, continued healing and beautiful breakthroughs.
You so deserve that Pam
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie and Pam,
First thank you Melanie for this wonderful article on 5 necessities before dating again. I took your NARP course and you guided me to coming back to life as I was sinking fast. Yes NO CONTACT has meant just that as she the N has tried to get back into my life a few times- even posted on a dating site to reconnect w me.
I quit the sites altogether as nothing was happening for me. I wasn’t ready!
I feel some urgency as a male in my 70’s and was glad to see the grey haired men
in the above pics who have been in Narp as I have and have benefited so much. And Pam, tks yes we are getting there after some long roads of pain. No matter what age, we can’t rush it. Mel’s article has taken doubts away from me and Vary Clearly points out 5 steps we need to achieve before dating again. Hopefullly more men will get on board w this program!!
It’s my pleasure Richard,
I LOVE That you took the time out for you.
Such wonderful male consciousness.
We salute you Dear Man
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
Same with what Peter has said – I am nowhere near to being ready to date, let alone talk to any potential men. I still have a long way to go with my own healing. Thank you for this article that confirms THIS, but most of all, thank you for YOU and for NARP. 💖🙏✨
Hi Anna,
it’s wonderful to take your time.
That time will come when it’s ready to.
You are very welcome and Much Love to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
I agree with the others — this article showed me clearly the specific reasons for “why” I am repelled by the idea of dating right now! I do wonder if I’ll ever be ready based on the article — especially #1. I seem to have lost all self esteem and because of adrenal exhaustion, which has caused me to gain 20 lbs that I can’t seem to lose. Plus I’m older now, and on top of that, I feel “less than” because I made bad decisions (re: the ex-narc) and am financially compromised to a point where I would feel ashamed for anyone to know how far I’ve fallen. Maybe it’s time for me to go back to NARP — I felt like I hit a wall with it after being very consistent for 8+ months.
Hi Susan,
it’s great that this resonated deeply with you!
Oh gosh YES! NARP is your answer! All of this will reset when that trauma generating these things is released from your body.
It’s the only true way I know to reverse this!
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
100% resonates with my beliefs. And no, I am not ready either. I am currently healing the co-dependent mother to daughter relationship I had unwittingly created and establishing a healthy one. There is work to be done.
I have already recommended NARP to many of my clients (I am a clairvoyant). And this article would be gold for quite a few deserving souls amongst them.
Hi Bridgette,
awesome that you align with this!
I love that NARP is working so well with it that you are recommending it to your clients – thank you 🙂
Much love to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
This was a reminder of where I was and what I was allowing when I ran headlong into the narc who completely upended my life. It’s been over 8 years since I’ve been intimately involved with any man. Straight up, it was because I was terrified, not to mention all of my energy has been focused on the custody purgatory that I’ve been forced into with this narc. After March 22, I finally accepted that this battle with the narc is not going to end at the bench. I’ve done everything that I can: I secured an ace, pro bono attorney who has stuck by me for 2 years; I secured an expert witness to replace my cherished therapist who passed suddenly; I had everything in order for my 3-day trial – and the judge continued it. I came home, took a nap and woke up to realize there’s nothing more I can do other than get on with my life. I am making every effort to do that. I may have to appear in court in a week, but I’m exhausted of putting my life on hold waiting for this trial to be over. I’m so much stronger than I ever was – and I was a strong person – I just didn’t have proper boundaries from my own childhood neglect. I’ve let my only baby know that one day there will be someone else in our lives, but she will always be prominent, cherished and loved. Plus, I do hope to be able to give her an example of a loving, functional and respectful love.
Hi Beyoutoofullest,
100% you have got that right … absolutely make it all about your development, healing and moving forward, regardless of what is or isn’t happening, and then it CAN all fall into place … including the legal stuff.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks for this article Mel.
A couple of years on since my ‘freedom’ from the perp, I’m finally beginning to feel it is as good as time as any to go out there and be curious in a platonic, fun, and self developing way. I am finally at (what feels like full) ease with myself and fully able to maintain healthy boundaries. I feel like I’m surfing life’s waves rather than feeling bogged down and trying to tread water in gelatinous goo trying to control everything. I’ve been on a dating site for the last three months yet totally not bothered about actually meeting anyone because I was still working on myself (kind of thanks to lockdown👍) and focusing on my own self care and investing mental space in friends, family, personal development, getting fitter, meditation regularly for mental fitness, and making a solid plan for my life and my daughter that I am really excited about. I don’t need anyone to complete that plan other than myself, and that feels so freeing and so good. I have felt at ease in being honest about where my boundaries are and when I’ve felt uncomfortable – people’s reaction to these honest feelings are extremely telling; do they acknowledge my feelings and agree something may have been inappropriate or do they try to bamboozle you into thinking your feelings are wrong? Their reaction says so much, and ultimately says all I need to know about them very quickly, and I know not to hand over my power the same way I used to.
I have a walking date planned for this coming weekend and I have zero expectation of where it will lead; just pure curiosity – who knows what I’ll get to learn about myself as well about another human being – life is full of wonder now. I feel your focus on values values values is a great reminder. Thanks!!
What a powerful article Melanie and sooooo true. Thanks for all the ‘hand holding’ you and your great team have given me and others over many years. Recovery from narc abuse has, at times, been agony. But my new foundations in life are the greatest reward as i hold myself steady in this game of life. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND any curious of hesitant readers to join your FREE 16 day recovery from narc abuse programme and see for themselves. Still my best resource when i have any wobbles. Love and thanks.
EXCELLENT! My last “love” relationship was 14 years ago, with a NARC. I dumped him after 2 years, seeing him for what he was. I’m signed up for your new 10 week Thriver program as a Birthday gift to myself… turning 67 shortly after it begins. In this time of Covid and of 6’ physical distancing I won’t be getting remotely close to any potential partners. I think Covid is a built-in blessing for anyone looking to get in the Dating Game. Slow down, watch, and listen. Don’t burn any red flags. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. And get on with loving and taking good care of yourself first and foremost. I’m really looking forward to our time together starting in just 20 days. Happy Birthday to me!!! Celebrating with you, Mel. What a gift…
Hi Susan,
that’s so awesome that you have gifted you to break free and shine!
I agree with you that has created a great time to self-partner, reflect, heal and become self-loving and empowered.
It’s wonderful that now is your time, it’s very exciting and I’m so looking forward to seeing you and working deeply with you in Thrive http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie
It’s a no from me. My self esteem and self belief is on the floor. I am nearly 4 years on from a 25 year relationship. I too am financially compromised but it’s not that it’s the belief that I failed both my kids and my marriage. I think years of it all being about him has left a wall that it cannot be about me. I too have put on weight, gone from being really active to a sedentary office job. I am crippled by the finances and am terrified to make a mistake in case I cannot fulfill my role as parent. The discard has left me trauma bonded to him. He is fine living a wealthy life. Our kids have forgiven him and they are all off on a family holiday together. It hurts. But I know my inability to get out and move on means I am stopping myself from having a life but I don’t understand why. The idea of dating makes me feel so upset as I feel no-one in the world could ever look at me.
Hi Helen,
I know how much this hurts. They are very good at manipulating people but true narcs don’t take the kids in holidays for the right reasons as they always have an agenda, even if it’s only to look good or to get at you. Know that you deserve better and are going to be better to yourself.
Hi Helen,
inner healing truly is the key that can turn all of this around for you.
Big hugs and much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I chuckled when I read “there is the door and do not re-enter it”.
I have met a good guy. I’m practicing healthy love with him. I have honestly told him there is better for us both out there.
I’m looking to get full compatibility with someone. The current guy I’ve met I’m emotionally attracted to him but not sexually (which matters).
And you’re right about interests being negotiable and values not.
This guy has potential in being a good friend rather than a partner.
I’d rather stay single for now.
Todays porn soaked men are not good dating material full stop. The level of hatred towards women is off the charts. I totally get what you are saying about doing the inner work on yourself but the current generation of men are pretty hideous towards women and the not so hideous ones tend to have long lasting relationships. Theres only so many widowers to go round
As sad as it is, I totally agree. I started thinking it was ME because it was the same thing over and over again.
Hi Mel! It will be six years ago this October that my make believe, house of cards life came crashing down around me. I was devastated and so very confused. I thank God that He led me to your website!! You helped me wake up and I will be forever grateful for your help and guidance!! I joined NARP and did the inner work. I did have another relationship with a narcissist. Another lesson! It took these, I believe, to open my eyes to see that my mom was also a narcissist! She was emotionally abusive to me my whole life and I didn’t see it! After the second narcissist I did more healing and releasing. Around last May I realized that I was truly okay alone and that I was also a damn good human and would be a great catch for a good man. I met my soulmate last August! He’s sweet and honest and real!!! I tell him that he’s my “gift from God”!! I know that he truly is!… and… he’s so, so handsome 😜! Thank you for helping me heal Mel! You’re an angel😇!!
So wonderful to hear about others that are healing and enjoying a beautiful life. It’s motivating. I am also happy you’ve found a handsome angel. I have at times the feeling that I should compromise on the physical aspect, but just can’t. Maybe it’s better if I will do some more shifting 🙂
Blessings,
Maria
Nancy, this is wonderfu!
I’m so so happy for you lovely lady.
You totally deserve this – you did the inner work.
Much love and blessings to you both
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie I would love someone in my life I was married to the narc for 20 years and alone a lot of the time . His siblings also narcs helped destroy our marriage as they gave him a sense of entitlement to abuse me along with the ego stroke of his many supplies . He left me in dire straits financially and my kids have been turned against me in favor of his family They all still create terrible rumors about me . Every guy I meet seems to be consumed by porn and objectivity of women and it runs into a dark theme .
Mary…. you need to do Narp asap
My story is quite a longish one–the crux of the matter is ,i escaped my Narc wife of 23 years almost 5 years ago–it still Hurts–she stole everything from me–she was gambling–cheating on me . It got to the stage where i couldn’t take anymore. Hang in there–things will get better–Jim
Wow! The timing of this article could not be more prefectly timed! After my 25 years verbally abusive relationship with my Narcissist, the ensuing 2.5 years divorce saga, finally getting my home and finances in order, learning that co parenting with a Narcissist is impossible, doing the work… I am starting to date again! Happy to report that it’s been rather fun to dust myself off and feel radiant again. I’ve let a few suitors go listening to my intuition, and am not rushing into any commitments, instead this is an active learning exercice to discover what works for me. I did have the crazy notion that I was too much for most, I’m now okay with being a big package with kids and animals included. I will make conscious choices, instead of blindly getting involve with someone that is wrong town. It’s taken a lot of self reflection to know that I don’t have to take on others reactions, and that I don’t owe anyone anything after a few dates, certainly not lifetime commitment. I owe it to myself and my children to be the best example of healthy living and loving that I can be. Thrive on you crazy diamonds!!! You will survive this.
That’s so well said Sarita, ” I don’t owe anyone anything after a few dates”. I feel stuck on that, to the point that I’d rather not date. I will reflect on it as well.
Many blessings,
Maria
Well done Sarita,
you are Thriving!
I love that you are choosing YOU!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Great advice. It is a “no” for me. I am 67 and have no interest in another relationship. I have joked with my son that I do engage in what I call “speed dating”. After a lifetime of various dating and people experiences I can size them up rather quickly and have the good sense to not get overly involved in a situation. When I was young it was a case of “my biological clock is ticking and I have limited time to find someone and create a family”. I think that led me to be too hasty in my decision and partner up with a Narc.
Hi Mel xo
You never fail to have perfect timing girl, it’s uncanny!
I’ve recently been on my first date in over 5 years & have been meaning to go to the community forum for advice on the topic for the past 2 days but hadn’t gotten around to it, & now here’s your blog with everything I needed, like you read my mind.
After knocking back a few different invites I finally accepted one from a guy I haven’t seen in many years. I’ve had an absolute ball spending time with him again. Have stated I’m not interested in making any commitment at the moment & that I’m enjoying being single for the first time in my life, (many thanks to you, your team & Narp), & he seems to be ok with that & happy to catch up again for another date in a few weeks time.
I am amazed at how far I’ve come, & never thought I’d ever be brave enough to date again without feeling insecure & needy.
Though he does seem a little too ‘full on’ too fast, & I’m not sure his story measures up yet, I feel like the experience is an adventure either way & I don’t feel obligated to submit if he requests something more than I’m willing to give. I’ll be happy to walk away if that’s what’s needed & will still feel like I’ve gained some valuable growth from this experience.
Can tell the attention has given me a bit of an ego boost & lift to my self esteem, but I feel I’m alert & wary of getting carried away with that feeling & rushing into things as I have in the past. Pretty certain I still have a LOT of clutter to clean up on the inside of myself & outside of my life, so I’m in no rush that’s for sure.
Have been working the Narp modules for any doubts & fears in myself & I play your ‘Healing & protection’ meditation each night as I go to bed. Will definitely be rereading this advice again too.
I regularly say out loud to myself;
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou Mel!
I love that we are in synch Lotus!
It’s great that this was timely – and yes I agree, exercise your boundaries.
Remember this – the Universe tests us to see where we are at! Be very mindful if the same patterns present that you don’t participate with them.
I highly, highly suggest if you are going to date – really do it – multiple potential suitors… otherwise you could be lured into “less than” again.
Just my gut feeling for you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks heaps for your reply Mel, you have absolutely blown my mind because I have been feeling like I’m being tested repeatedly to see if I have ‘graduated’ that particular stage of trauma.
The few offers I had previously were so ridiculous & total no-brainers so I didn’t hesitate to say no thanks.
One being longtime friend of my first Narc partner, even tried to tell me we’d shared a moment together years ago, (which was a straight out lie), trying anything to persuade me.. & the 2nd was ‘how bout it chic? you seem like a fun girl’.. & I asked ‘ umm.. aren’t you married?’ he told yeah but that doesn’t matter (🤢).
I do feel very nervous dating this new fella, so worried I’ll get suckered in again, so I have increased my Narp work & also self-care activities, & will be extremely alert for red flags, (which I’m suspicious there are a few).
I am questioning myself if they are actually red flags & that’s my intuition, or is it that he seems a bit foreign to me as it’s not ‘my normal’?
I will definitely consider dating others as you suggest, though I don’t feel I know any other potentials, or how to find any. I’ve never really liked the idea of meeting people through online dating sites. I will have to give this one some extra thought 😉
Each day your advice inspires & gives me hope that there really is magic in life as I had always believed in my earlier years.
My dear Melanie,
As always I deeply appreciate your sharing and wisdom. It is obvious the love you have for us and for yourself. I joined NARP 14 months ago and know I’m no where close to dating. I am still working on number one as I apply and put into practice 2-5.
I just recently, last week in fact, threw in the towel and resigned from my church where I was the lead and only music person. It took a very long time to consider “losing it all to gain it all.” The relationship with the self proclaimed narcissistic pastor was unpleasant and a threat to my inner joy. So, it had to go.
I’ve decided to change the direction of my life and focus on other things more important to my fulfillment of number 1, “You love being in your body and in life.” I actually FEEL excited about these changes. I’m set to pick up my knee brace next week so I can begin a walking regiment, and have resigned from a position where I did not feel respected or allowed or encouraged to expand my creativity.
I think it was you who said that when we make changes within, on a quantum level using NARP, then those people who are roadblocks will somehow begin to drop out of our lives. I’ve experienced this with the removal of my narcissistic mother who has been in a nursing home since last November, and a “friend” of 38 years terminating our friendship after I had been questioning continuing an unloving relationship with her. I am NOT the person she met 38 years ago and it’s telling that she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
So, all this to say I will continue to work my NARP program and come into alignment with loving my body and my life. THANK YOU for all your love and wisdom.
Kathryn
Hi Kathryn,
I love your energy and thank you for your beautiful words.
Your life and soul are absolutely unfolding into a beautiful celebration for you!
Blessings to you Dear Sister
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie!
Thank you for this article. I personally don’t feel I am ready to go on the dating scene. On one side because I feel scared, on the other because I feel I still need to be with myself, to build that beautiful life I’ve always dreamed of for me and my daughter. But reading that made me connect with some wound that have been hiding inside. I love when I can see more things I have to work on.
Also I have to thank you form the bottom of my heart for the NARP program. In summer 2019 I separated form my narcissistic husband after being together for 7 years. I was a ghost at that time but I wanted my daughter to know who I really was. Couldn’t see then how much work I actually had to do…
Later the same year I dated shortly a man who disappeared from my life without saying anything. That made me collapse for good. Looking back I can see how that experience came to make me put aside my poker face that had become so engraved in me.
In January 2020 I discovered NARP and started my inner journey. It was amazing how the Universe helped me with it! When I started I could barely sleep 4h per night, I would cry for hours or sit numb on the sofa, I would feel pain in the chest (my heart felt like a piece of raw meat) and had such a hard time connecting to my daughter. Little by little my sleep became better and in about 2 months I could sleep throughout the night. The pain in the chest also started to go away and I rarely feel it now, only when I do some intense healing modules. By the time the confinement started at the end of March I was enjoying again spending time with my child. What a blessing!
Now I have hope in life, in myself and I plan for the future. Also I have learned to be with myself, to listen to that inner voice. There’s still a long journey ahead, but now I have confidence I can navigate it.
Big loving and grateful hugs,
Maria
I love that you are healing, gaining confidence and stepping into your True Self Maria!
Keep up the great work, and please know how welcome you are for NARP.
Much love to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel, while enjoying self-partnership I am having these feelings of sadness about being the sole pillar in my family – I hope I don’t run out of energy with the single parenting and taking care of my older parents, plus working to rebuild financially and creating personal dreams. I have moments of feeling sad for not having someone to serve me and support, but being in this continuous role of the server and it feels exhausting. Any suggestion for me? Any words of encouragement?
Hi Sidorela!
I can imagine how much you have to give and that it can really feel exhausting.
If I can give you an advice, I would say to take the time to look in the mirror and talk to yourself with love and appreciation. Compliment yourself as often as possible. I am sure you have plenty of reasons to do it. Talk to your inner self when you feel you need some love and attention.
Maybe see also when you could take some time for yourself: a bath with salts and essential oils, a walk in the park, put on a perfume you life, use your favorite clothes more often. Start little so you can build gradually a life of self love.
Blessings,
Maria
Hi Sidorela,
when you feel like it’s all too much and can’t see a way for “you” then your inner healing dedication means you will be able to.
Have boundaries, say “No” when appropriate, delegate and generate solutions so that you can claim the life that it is your soul right to have.
It all starts from healing, what is not allowing you to carve that out, from within …
When you don’t have time to heal yourself, that is the time you need to do it the most.
Then you will have time as well as all else that you seek.
You MUST come first
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel.
What a great article. Yes, 5 years later, I now feel like I am ready to date again. I have not paid for a online dating subscription, yet for the past few months, I have been reading profiles. It is amusing to me how some men either don’t take the time to write anything or they are unconscious about what they write. I wish there was a consciously evolving dating website.
As always, your articles come to me in perfect divine timing.
Much love,
Amy
That’s great that this was timely for you Amy.
Much love returned to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie, your words ring so true as I read them!
I am now 7 years apart from my ex with no “lovers” between, it’s been a long lonely journey and recently because of COVID I decided to join an online dating site, mainly to meet others and find companionship. Perhaps some company and who knows even love if it is meant to be.
I have some interesting and wonderful new “talking friends” now, but those that I have gone on dates with left me feeling very vulnerable and afraid to take any steps forwards towards any kind of intimacy with. I realize that my wounds are still raw and that I am going to have to do some work to open my heart again. My boundaries are so solidly in place that I need to learn to trust myself to allow love in again.
Can your course help me in this as I don’t believe I am meant to be alone the rest of my life?
Thank you for your wonderful resourceful reads and encouragement.
Dear Melanie, your words ring so true as I read them!
I am now 7 years apart from my ex with no “lover” between, it’s been a long lonely journey and recently because of COVID I decided to join an online dating site, mainly to meet others and find companionship. Perhaps some company and who knows even love if it is meant to be.
I have some interesting and wonderful new “talking friends” now, but those that I have gone on dates with left me feeling very vulnerable and afraid to take any steps forwards towards any kind of intimacy with. I realize that my wounds are still raw and that I am going to have to do some work to open my heart again. My boundaries are so solidly in place that I need to learn to trust myself to allow love in again.
Can your course help me in this as I don’t believe I am meant to be alone the rest of my life?
Thank you for your wonderful resourceful reads and encouragement.
Hi Claire,
YES! 100% Either NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp or Thrive http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive are fundamental for you to safely and powerfully generate and enter real love … and know the difference with that which is not.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
It’s been a decade since the last major relationship betrayal (on top of all the other post great recession disasters, disappointment, losses, grief, stuck in survival mode) and based on this list I’m STILL not ready to date, it appears…
Dear Melanie,
The healing process that NARP gives is a lifetime journey. I have followed your universe inspired teachings with my entire heart and soul. It took many months…..now the rewards are rushing in.
Part of the healing process is now being able to fully understand and enjoy the good things in life.
So all you NARPers just starting out…..NEVER GIVE UP!!!
I dropped the alias online name and go with the real thing now…….no problem.
All of the sudden there are amazing women everywhere. It feels like I am on mini-dates everyday.
Guys….never look back now you have found Melanie`s safe sanctuary.
You will be able to spot a NARC from miles away and move on quickly…….
There have been so many miracles in this journey back to reality, life and love
The big miriacle is just up ahesd………the trip there is so exciting now!!!!
Hi Warren,
that is so awesome!
Thank you for inspiring other NARPers. How brilliant that the Quantum Law of so within, so without, is supplying you with lovely dates.
Your post has made my day!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Love this ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Melanie I would love someone in my life I was married to the narc for 20 years and alone a lot of the time . His siblings also narcs helped destroy our marriage as they gave him a sense of entitlement to abuse me along with the ego stroke of his many supplies . He left me in dire straits financially and my kids have been turned against me in favor of his family They all still create terrible rumors about me . Every guy I meet seems to be consumed by porn and objectivity of women and it runs into a dark theme .
Hi Mary,
I can’t emphasise how important is to heal first.
You have gone through significant trauma, that is very painful.
When you have mated your own soul, your soulmate can appear.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie bless you and I’m getting there , for the first time in 11 years I felt peaceful and a warm healing come across me . I also laughed out loud without feeling guilt in forever!
How beautiful Mary!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
After 42 years with the first Narc and five and a half with the second as well as other Narc males in my life I don’t want to commit to anybody, even after 16 years post divorce.
It would be nice to have a friendship with a caring male to occasionally talk to each other about life and our likes and dislikes, kids and general stuff like that but being in my late 70’s I don’t think I can be bothered sorting the wheat from the chaffe anymore.
Thanks for this advice should I ever reconsider my options, guess my Autistic grandie who lives with me most of the week and my son will have to be my sounding boards but at least I have them.
I love your heart Maurenn.
Never say never and a lovely gentleman would be so lucky to have you!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hello y’all, I’m ready to start dating again but haven’t found anyone that meets up to my standards. They’re all deal-breaker after deal breaker. I’m not actively looking for a date, date. These are just people I meet in everyday conversation. I don’t even want to be friends with them. The first sign of disrespect and I’m so gone. Who needs it. I’d rather be alone than with someone, even though just a friend, that crosses my boundaries. I meet them every day and they are out there. I’d much rather be alone with myself than have someone around that has even the slightest remote possibility of crossing my boundaries. Been there, done that and I ain’t going back again. It’s not so bad being alone either. I can enjoy myself with myself. I like being around other people though. It’s just too chancy anymore. I think I’m that much in tune with myself and my truth to have anyone else coming around to muddy the water. I won’t allow anyone to do that. Not to me and not anymore. That’s for sure. I’m not looking for anyone, however, if that special person does come around, I’ll know it. I hope everyone is doing well and Melanie, you are great at what you do for the thriver community. I really validate myself after reading what you have to say. It’s all true. Thank you so much.
Gambling is a game and anyone legit isn’t interested in getting mixed up with the rotten vibes that seep out from gamblers whose souls smell and feel like someone passed out in a public bathroom at a dingy bar.
QFH is such vital process for inner freedom no matter who you may think it –
All worth it because I am worth it
Thank you Mel ❤️❤️❤️