5 Steps To Breaking Up With A Narcissist Without Being Destroyed

Today I want to talk to you about breaking up with a narcissist, and 5 key steps to help you go through that tumultuous time, without being destroyed.

Breaking up with a narcissist is one of the most terrifying things that you can do. This is regardless of whether you decide the relationship is over, or the narcissist does.

What I am sharing with you today is applicable with any narcissist. This could be your spouse, lover, family member or friend.

Narcissist don’t play fair. They don’t care about others. They feel entitled to whatever they can get from you and have convinced themselves that you need to be punished, because according to the narcissist the ending of the relationship is your fault. It’s a way they preserve their False Self, the ego, to avoid taking any personal responsibility themselves.

This is all very convenient for the narcissist to feel justified about the disgusting way they behave during a breakup. It’s all part of the vengeful vindication they seek.

Today, I want to grant you my combined emotional and practical tips to help you get through this.

Breathe deeply and let’s get started!

 

Number 1 – Stop Expecting Decency

Where many people go wrong when leaving a narcissist, is assuming or hoping that the narcissist will behave like a decent human being. They don’t. They don’t want consideration, equity and closure in a breakup.

Of course, anyone who is hurt can behave in ways that are not nice. Yet, decent people come to their senses, they have a conscience and are capable of doing the right thing. Plus, they are sane enough to realise ongoing drama and non-closure is not healthy for anyone.

This is not how narcissists think. They use breakups for their self-serving agenda, to create drama, pain and suffering to others in order to feel significant, and take whatever they can. These attempts will be for the home, the business, money in bank accounts, possessions and even the custody of the children. What you need to move on is irrelevant to the narcissist. Typically, what is best for the children doesn’t figure either.

It’s incredibly important you to get VERY clear that the narcissist is not going to cooperate and do the right thing.

If you spend your energy on trying to force the narcissist to “be nice” the nastier they get. What is a much better expenditure of your energy is to arm yourself with the strategies and emotional solidness you need to get through this and get out of this relationship emotionally, physically and materially in the safest, cleanest and most powerful way.

Let me help you understand these steps …

 

Number 2 – Know Thy Enemy

You need to strategise. I will go even further than that. You need to plan secretively.

If you are the one doing the leaving, secure money, a place to go and any of the supplies and furniture that you wish to get out without the narcissist knowing.

You may feel bad about this. You may worry about the narcissist’s reaction to this, and smearing of you to others about this.

Your survival, recovery and Thriving after narcissistic abuse necessitates giving yourself FULL permission to do what it takes to look after yourself.

You are literally in a WAR, so stop trying to adhere to your version of the right thing to do. Let go of what other people may think about you – what is important is what you think and know about you and your situation. When you are trying to disentangle yourself from a pathological dark Soul, you are pushed to extremes. You don’t need to justify this to anyone!

I promise you, once the cracks appeared in your relationship, the narcissist was likely strategising how to get the most out of this when it all goes down. He or she could have already set up alternative sources of narcissistic supply (replacements for you), as well as hiding money or doing whatever is possible to make sure they have the upper hand.

I can’t tell you how many people have been shocked to the core regarding the narcissist’s behaviour when they have left. Sad but true!

If you give an inch, the narcissist will take a mile. If you offer your neck in submission, they will rip your throat out. If you try to reason and make a deal, they will deceive you.

When making your exit plans, also, be very careful who you share your exit plans with. Narcissists are very good at infiltrating your nearest and dearest for information.

 

Number 3 ­– Emotional Self-healing And Support

Emotionally and energetically supporting yourself is vital when trying to get through the inevitable breakup tsunami. The narcissist is not likely to take you leaving lying down. The narcissist knows how to get to you and will unleash this on you.

The narcissist may ignore you, because he or she knows this makes your head tick. Or they may parade a new supply all over social media so that you see you have been replaced. It could be trying to turn your family and children against you. It could be sending you threatening messages or guilting you and making insane accusations that trigger you into defending yourself. Or they may hoover you with crocodile tears, false promises and finally telling you all the things that you have wanted to hear. Or perhaps the narcissist will start attacking you with authorities and minions.

This is the danger period, where the narcissist attempts to get control over you again. Please be warned that this never works out well. There hasn’t been a magic wand waved where a narcissist has all of a sudden become a nice person, or your acquiescing to certain threats, is going to defer or defuse a potential narcissistic assault.

Quite the opposite. If you get triggered into breaking No or Modified Contact (Modified Contact meaning all contact through a third part only for practical matters) then you are back on the hook, exactly where the narcissist wants you.

This is all about the narcissist’s ego, it has nothing to do with caring for you or your relationship. Maybe he or she wants to reconnect with you. If this occurs, you will find the cycle of trauma intensifies (the periods of being devalued and discarded by the narcissist get worse) because the narcissist will now punish you for trying to leave.

Perhaps the narcissist will never take you back, but enjoys tormenting you now, on the side, with his or her new supply. Or with promises of “one day doing the right thing”, which of course never comes.

I can’t tell you how many people do the in and out dance with a narcissist, every time losing more rights, Life Force, sanity and health and well as resources. All the time whilst the narcissist takes more and more, dangles carrots and smashes them with bigger sticks. I was one of these people, ultimately leading to my final psychotic breakdown.

It’s usual, terrifying and Soul destroying to not be able to leave, stay away and heal effectively.

This is why I am very passionate about supporting you, so that when you leave you have the mindset, tools and ability to get through this!

The greatest weapon to have in your arsenal against a narcissist is the ability to release and reprogram the panic, anxiety and shock, as well as terrible injustices, heartbreak and anger that arise.

You can also start healing through the aftershock that comes after leaving a narcissist. The sooner the better, because now with the space and time to finally feel the onslaught of emotions from the abuse that happened over the last week, month and year, you may be shocked at how after leaving you start to feel worse, instead of relief.

It is always my highest suggestion for people who are thinking about leaving, or who have left, to check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) as soon as possible. This helps support you emotionally and moves you through the temptation to re-hook and get derailed by the narcissist. NARP also connects you to expert support from my incredible Thriver Private Community.

We have seen it all and helped thousands of people from all over the world stay supported, strong and effective in their rebuild after narcissistic abuse – no matter what their situation is.

 

Number 4 – Become Anti-fear

It’s vital to understand that narcissists are empty dark Souls who feed off other people’s negative emotions.

Without your fear, pain and heartbreak a narcissist has no power over you. If the narcissist can get an emotional reaction from you, they still have you in their psychically enmeshed grasp.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is literally a spiritual battle for your Soul. What this means is you have to let go of needing this person to change, do something, be held accountable or anything else to change for you to get out of the pain and fear. That all equals how to lose this war.

If you keep doing the work inside of you to release and let go of what hurts and reprogram your inner trauma (NARP assists with that powerfully) then you will start feeling your True Self.

This is YOUR confidence, power, determination, solid feelings and knowing that you are supported by a Higher Force than yourself. This is True Source and your true essence that you are taking back, which the narcissist’s false power is no match for.

In short, your TRUE mission is to do enough inner work that you are no longer triggered into negative emotions. Therefore, no matter what the narcissist does you are no longer feeding the situation. The narcissist can’t get from you the energetic bullets to shoot you with.

Without your negative energy and attention (narcissistic supply) the narcissist runs out of steam. Tactics stop working on you. People cease believing the narcissist, and their plans fall flat. They get triggered and expose themselves.

Support networks and “events” (including legal ones) start working in your favour.

The most successful people in this community leaving narcissist are those who:

1) Work on their Inner Being to become untriggered and “emotionally over” the narcissist very quickly (this can happen in weeks or months) and then,

2) Walk a very straight clear, logical, untriggered line. They don’t answer any emotional contact. They simply reply with “this is what I will agree to” “This is what I don’t agree to” over practical matters. They stop dancing around the narcissist’s wounds trying to get a deal. They just stand up, deliver and go for what they want, calmly methodically and factually. These successful people go on the offensive.

In dealing in court settlements with a narcissist it’s important to not try to diagnose “narcissism”. Don’t get triggered with the rubbish that comes at you and just expose the paper trail of facts.

Narcissists are loose. They shoot themselves in the foot. They lie, they abuse, they mess up. And they do this so much more when you have detached. If to you, emotionally they have become unimportant, and you are not feeding them any of your energy anymore, it’s the ultimate insult to a narcissist.

In fact, so much that clients of mine and members of our NARP community have experienced narcissists capitulating, and settling quickly, because they simply can’t be connected to someone who couldn’t emotionally care less about them anymore.

In my 10 plus years in the bunkers helping people leave, recover and then Thrive from narcissistic abuse, I really want you to know that there is a powerful straight line you can take when you heal powerfully from narcissists – from the inside out – and then show up without being triggered and fearful of what they may or may not do.

If you deal in integrity, calm and inner strength, this is formidable. Narcissists are no match for this.

 

Number 5 – Take On Becoming Your Own Source

Narcissist don’t do the right thing when leaving the relationship, and they certainly don’t do the right things after it ends.

In the case of your children, they are not going to be a decent co-parent, because narcissists don’t cooperate.

He or she is not going to want to emotionally support you or help you in the future, unless they can spin it back for their own benefit and agenda – using you for their own purposes or to continue getting the vindication of being able to further hurt you.

With co-parenting, a narcissist is unlikely to provide financial support or look after the children responsibly when they are in their care.

If you have to continue on with a narcissist in the future because of co-partnering, or family events in the case of a family member, or because they are in the area or circles or profession that you mix in – detach. Let go of any expectation, connection or requirement from them.

This can be very difficult to do when you are trying to co-parent or co-exist, yet when you understand that this is the greatest opportunity for you to model for yourself how to heal, be empowered self-actualised and whole and be able to generate your own love, approval, security and survival then you have no need for the narcissist to grant or give your anything.

You also lead the way for your children to know that trying to force someone without the desire or resources to do the right thing, means that you will be victimized and abused. Yet, when you become a Source to self, with True Source (all of the healthy opportunities and people in life) you leave a life of lack, pain and disappointment behind and start living a life of plenty, inspiration, joy and growth with no need for the pain ever again.

This may sound easier said than done, yet it is incredibly true. Many people in our community within a very short amount of time, as a result of Thriver Healing from narcissistic abuse, break free from dependencies and connections with narcissists, and start living more abundantly empowered lives than they ever previously have.

They also start experiencing how glorious it is to attract and sustain healthy, whole and empowered relationships far superior to those they had with psychic vampires.

 

In Conclusion

I hope that this has helped you understand that being smart, doing inner healing, detaching and working at taking your power back, is so important when dealing with a narcissist.

Maybe you have already broken up and didn’t know this information (just as I didn’t once upon a time) and tried to leave in “all the wrong ways”. You may be in the throes of the continued abuse, the narcissist not letting you have access to your things, punishing you as much as possible and suffering the cruelty of what the narcissist is capable of doing.

No matter where you are at with this journey, including if you are the one who was discarded and left, please know the Thriver inner work will help you to stop feeling like you are losing your mind and Soul, and help you detach, heal and take your Soul, sanity and Life Force back.

It will also allow you to tackle the narcissist logically and legally from a position of being in your power.

For details regarding NARP, please click here, as well as read the success stories of those who did get away, break free, and start to Thrive.

I want you to know, this CAN be you too!

I really hope this article has made sense and given you some hope that there is a way out of the insane narcissistic mess … please let me know in your comments below.