I love writing these “healthy relationship creation” articles for you – because they are very dear to my heart, as I know they are for you too!
It is human to want to love and be loved. It is also very usual to want to share our life journey with an intimate partner.
Many people in our community ask me, “Where did you meet your partner?” or, “Where should I go to meet quality people?”
My answer to this is always the same – you meeting a future healthy partner has nothing to do with where you are looking, or even what you are doing. It is all to do with who you are Being.
Too many people put all the emphasis on “the other person” rather than putting the emphasis on themselves. As you go through this article, I hope you understand how powerless and futile that is.
Generating real love is never about choosing the right person to grant you a healthy love relationship – rather it is about YOU being the right person who can emotionally generate and choose a healthy love relationship.
I can’t wait to help you get empowered to not just take personal responsibility with this (which puts you in the driver’s seat) but also to be able to make a healthy relationship a powerful reality in your life.
Everything Exists
You may think, “There are awful people, including narcissists, out there!”
Yes, you are right, and there are also wonderful, kind, genuine people out there; not perfect, because perfect doesn’t exist. Yet, there are countless people who are healthy enough, kind enough and genuine enough for you to create and grow in a loving relationship with.
Already I can feel your head spinning as you think, isn’t there supposed to be only “The One”?
What if I was to tell you, “You are “The One” and then love follows”?
I truly believe “The One” it is a complete and utter fallacy. It’s insane to believe someone outside of your inner universal manifestation, in the outer universe, is the “only one” who can give you true love.
This is exactly the warped thinking that causes people to hang on to narcissistic “twin flames” who are unavailable for a healthy relationship (they have neither the resources nor desire to be or love healthily) and the people clinging to the belief of “The One” can’t free themselves to generate genuine, real or satisfying love.
The person they assigned as “the One” certainly was not that!
Not only does “everything exist” from the highest to the lowest version of love potential out there, so does the potential for “unconditional love”, meaning the right person for you, who is a match for your healthy love generation is always available for you, no matter what previous loves you have lost, or whatever age or stage of life you are at.
This is true.
I hope this Universal Truth grants you more than hope – that if you seek True Love the right way … it is available for you.
Choosing Love Healthily
The following are very important questions …
Could you even be attracted to a “nice” person? Would a healthy person be attracted to you? How can you meet a potential healthy partner, and how do you progress forward into a relationship with them? (We will get to that part in the next section.)
One thing is for certain, at the Quantum Level – such a love relationship is available for you. It is seeking you as much as your Inner Being is seeking it.
Why?
Because true love and unity are unstoppable forces. They are God Godding (or Source Sourcing if that is easier for you to assimilate). Healthy love is your organic natural state – even though it may have not as yet been your “normal”.
Love is not just luck, or The Universe spinning dice, it is all to do with who you are Being and what you are seeking.
Your Beingness will dictate your Seekingness!
Let me explain …
If your consciousness is still low … mine was for a long time so I believed the illusion that “love” was the false narrative I had been programmed to believe – I was convinced that love had to do with chemical attraction, interests and fun.
I used to put more practical thought into buying a pair of shoes than I did into choosing a relationship. I used to think about shoes like this … “Okay they are really pretty but they are going to hurt my feet after a few hours.” Whereas regarding a relationship I’d think … “He’s really attractive and smart” and spared no thought to whether or not he had the character to be healthy.
This was because I had not evolved my maturity, self-development or the resolution of my inner wounds to be able to have a higher consciousness about this yet.
The reason I now have in my life a wonderful, functioning, kind and aligned love partnership is because I knew I needed to take a hiatus from relationships and sort all of this out! I knew I needed to BE the woman who could choose love healthily.
The men I was previously attracted to were not healthy. Men who were healthy were guys I had never been interested in. The truth is this was because they were not a match for my inner Love Code that was filled with emotionally charged wounds regarding “love”.
I knew I was the person who needed to change.
So, I got to work.
Shifting From Unhealthy To Healthy Love
Here is the powerful way to know what potential love partners you are presently attracted to and attractive to …
If you have unresolved traumas and hurts, it will be people who represent more of these hurts.
If you are afraid of meeting potential love partners, it will be people who you can’t trust and who will bring you more lack of safety.
If you are annoyed and angry at previous love partners for their dispositions and actions, it will be people who have those characters and behaviours.
It’s Quantum Law – so within, so without.
Life and our Soul are always ‘efforting’ to make the unconscious conscious. We are powerful emotional energetic Creators from our Inner Beingness. Life will show you who you are Being and what you are unconsciously seeking.
Those who match your Beingness are seeking you too – it’s a match.
In my own inner experience, I discovered many hurts and traumas, including, “People who I love leave me, replace me, invalidate me and annihilate me.” Absolutely these had been my lived experiences in relation to love. We could argue that I had these painful inner traumas because this had happened or because I already had them, that they continued to happen.
Regardless of where they originated, they were in my body (therefore being my responsibility because only I could heal them), and thank goodness I found the way to release these traumas energetically, replace them with Source (NARP healing) and go free from them.
After doing so I felt more whole, self-loving and much more discerning.
No longer was “my head” tricking me into making excuses and having urges to connect to people who matched this previous traumatized inner Love Code. It was like these types of people faded into the background and healthier potential partners started lighting up in my real-life view.
Such a welcome shift!
I then got very dedicated to discovering “what constitutes a healthy relationship.” Of course, there has to be a level of attraction. What is great is when we become less traumatized on the inside from previous hurts, attraction starts to get based on someone’s Soul and inner beauty, rather than just their outer shell, and “put on” persona.
It’s like when we get healthier in our Soul we choose healthier food, pastimes and friendship circles.
Making healthier choices includes taking time to know and investigate a person’s character. Who are they in real life expression? Is this person kind, honest and authentic? Can they take responsibility and genuinely apologize? Is this person reliable? Do their actions match their words?
And … of course … are they honest?
How many of us previously went through the realization of, “you are attractive, but I don’t like who you are as a person” once you started sharing a bed and a life with this person?
Maybe this person is “shonky” and has beliefs and does stuff that make you shudder. Maybe they have completely different viewpoints that are just not compatible with who you are and what your orientation in life is.
Then, if we haven’t yet dedicated to our own inner healing and development, we begin the epic struggle of trying to change their character into one that will allow us to be loved, safe and secure.
I used to make a career out of trying to do that!
Yet, you can’t change someone’s character – it is what it is.
Rather, you can heal and develop yourself enough to align with and choose people with decent characters to investigate for love relationships, and be whole and developed enough to stop dismissing or overlooking the necessity for this.
The truth is – no one may have previously taught us how vital this is.
Generating Healthy Love
A great lie about love is that it’s supposed to be a “fairy tale”, a feeling of being on a high and in constant bliss.
A relationship like this is usually an indication that you are being love bombed, or conjuring up in your mind unrealistic expectations about someone who you barely know … or that you are attracted to someone who is a match for a highly charged unhealed Love Code.
The “high” is usually because you are, as yourself, still unhealed, empty and hurt and this person is offering the promise of taking your pain away – akin to walking miles in shoes with stones in them and then the stones have been taken out. The relief is huge.
This is a love relationship of dramatic highs and just as spectacular lows.
It’s not based in reality or maturity, which are components necessary for real durable, functional love. Rather it is based on addiction, compulsion and obsession – and will contain the holding of another as responsible for your “good feelings”. This is the vibrational trajectory where co-dependent and narcissistic relationships play out – toxic power struggles – trying to force the other person to behave in a way that would make the other person happy.
If you have had enough of that (just as I had) it is time to align with different love realities!
Healthier love is two people taking their time to get to know one another, before committing to an exclusive relationship.
How can you do this?
Be very clear about your values and truths – those that you need for healthy love to exist.
Know that you will not accept less than these fundamental decent character traits in your life.
Be prepared to speak up and lay boundaries if necessary. Explaining what you will and won’t accept and train people to know who you are and what you stand for.
Present who you truly are to attract and generate relationships that are true to you, instead of pretending to be someone else.
And …
Be prepared to lose it all to get it all – know you will leave if this person is not your match of a healthy potential relationship.
Most of all … love your Inner Being, your development and your expansion in life regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not – and work on your ability to take care of yourself in relationship interactions.
In other words, releasing your fear of other people – that you can’t be safe and that you can’t be yourself and speak up.
In Conclusion
I promise you with all of my heart, there are TONS of Thrivers in this incredible community, just like myself, who have been released from the programs of relationship trauma and agony, to experiencing the divinity and joy of being able to attract and maintain a healthy relationship.
Yes, they take work and honesty and development and courage. And, they spiral upwards into health, trust and greater connection, not down into the horrible descent of narcissistic relationships.
Because they (like I) became the people we needed to be to make relationships work.
I hope that this makes sense to you!
How are you feeling in regard to future love partners? Are you healing and developing towards this? Are you falling in love with your inner growth and outer expansion and development? Do you know that you have fears and traumas and inner Love Codes to shift out and replace?
Do you feel ready to heal this because you know you really do want to create a divine, wholesome, rewarding and authentic relationship?
If so, I cannot recommend NARP enough to clean up your traumatized previous inner Love Codes.
Also I am going to be doing a Dating Bootcamp Workshop in the near future! Would you love to be a part of this?
I look forward to your comments and questions!
Just what i needed at the right time. Thanks
Yes Mel I’d love to be part of a dating bootcamp
Yes Mel I’d love to be part of a dating bootcamp 🙏💜
Love you Melanie, thanks for this message and yes would LOVE to do a dating boot camp with you ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Love, Ellen xoxo 😘
I’d love to have you in one Ellen!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have read and reread this several times. Excellent information. So true. I would enjoy a dating boot camp! You have such amazing wisdom Melanie. Thanks for all you do
I am thrilled with all the insights I am getting from Melanie. I’m on a rocky road at the moment, but gaining so much insight and strength through her videos. I feel blessed to have discovered this precious woman.
Hi Robin,
Bless and thank you for your lovely words!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I did and do chose healthy partners especially when it’s a choice, I know the options and there’s consent. It’s awful though to know your significant other is being dragged through hell by a revengeful manipulator despite all the promises and “it’ll be greats”. Narcissists will make you sick if they get in there.
This definitely resonates. Im still working on my healing and sorting stuff out. A good guide to know what to be aiming for!
I have done so much healing work on myself the past 5 years . I was raised by a narcissist then of course married one. Years of pain. I did Melanie’s work, daily yoga and meditation and still do. I am finally healed and met the kindest most loving compassionate partner. We are the perfect match. It’s a health authentic wonderful relationship because I am healthy and authentic. The work matters 💕
Hi Andrea,
I am so thrilled for you that your self-work led to a divine relationship!
Bravo and that’s so beautiful!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This spoke to me & I’m working on my inner healing before putting myself back out there. Your dating boot camp sounds fun & useful!
So you’re saying, if true love has it’s way I still have a chance. I have to say, I like those odds. When the soul wants to experience something she throws out an image in front of her and then steps into a rapture of love and light.
I would very much be interested in the dating workshop
Oh gosh! Mel- I so can’t wait for dating boot camp! It is going to electric!
xoxoxo
Violet
Thank you Melanie for truth, light, love, and insight toward healing. Would be interested in a dating bootcamp/ workshop if you did one. Thank you again for these emails. The provide wonderful encouragement to start each week!
I really appreciate your shared info’ but I’m still in a narcissistic relationship-my third marriage & only during the past few months have I begun to grasp meaningful information regarding traumas! It has been revealed that I had a narcissistic father. traumas began for me at age 3 years & I am now almost 90! At this age, is there really any hope? I am English & currently in Africa so I have been seeking ways to be repatriated via Veterans (I am one) organisations. I need to get ‘on board’ on the right path but I cannot do videos since I am virtually deaf! Thank you!
Hi John,
I really want you to know that any age, your Soul Truth and True Self await you.
We have had Thrivers breakthrough at your age. Your soul is eternal – there is only truth and love to align with.
Sending you love, hope and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
John. Of course you can, you deserve it now.
I’m 61 and I was asking the same questions, and doubting myself. The world needs more brave men like you. Be a pioneer for the good.
I am very interested in a relationship boot camp!
I am very interested in dating boot camp. Excited to hear more.
Question – Recently my husband had COVID (not too sick). I took very good care of him. He went outside to do chores and was out there quite a while. I got panicky, checking all over for him. I thought he passed out or fell down. I called his name loudly and he emerged from the pole building. I didn’t know he was in there, because the light wasn’t on. When he came towards the house I said, “I couldn’t find you and was panicky”. I said this in a somewhat louder tone, but out of concern. My husband yelled at me for feeling like I did. He said that I should have known he was okay, because the cars were home. He also told me I yelled at him. He didn’t care at all that I was worried and concerned. We also live in the country with 6 acres. I am wondering if this is a narcissistic behavior on his part. I could not believe his reaction and then he said I was controlling. I was actually shaky from worry – don’t know how I controlled. He will not admit he was wrong for his reaction. This incident should have ended in him saying, “I’m sorry if you were worried”. He doesn’t care what happened and can merrily go on with his day, while I am worn out, stressed, and trying to figure out his inappropriate reaction. This seems like it should be simple – I don’t get it – is this how a narcissist would react? I am still upset. This isn’t the first time he got mad/defensive at me for similar incidents. Any thoughts? Sorry soooo long.
Hi Gem,
if you would like to understand more about specific and absolute narcissistic traits please see this article of mine
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/are-you-with-a-narcissist/
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Gem,
I’m from Germany and read your comment.
I am looking on it from the outside, from above 🚁 your situation, without being involved.
It’s natural that you are caring for your partner/ husband, especially when he is ill.
You wrote that you were “panicky and shaky from worry” because you couldn’t find him and make him understand..
This is a very strong expression which touched me and pricked up my ears … same as your excuse “sorry sooo long” …
Have you ask yourself:
Why am I panicking?
What this really stands for?
What is my real need behind it?
Have you had this kind of worries or panicking earlier on in your life?
Do you know a close person, may be your mother who was “caring” like that?
Can you remember earlier situations in your life, especially when you were a child?
Could be anxiety to loose somebody, who is important to you, who might be your anchor, behind your caring?
Have you had a big lost as a child or in your life, which you don’t want to feel again?
It might help asking yourself for what it stands.
Why I’m a panicking and worried in such a strong way?
But there is another point, too.
In partnership or in normal relationships we can learn to look at and to express our needs and worries.
I recognise that especially our generation (I will be 63 on Sunday😉) as girls we had been taught to be attentive, to care and look after others. The boys became trained to be tough, strong 💪🏻 and looking out for career or to stay up for their future family …. nobody taught us to be ourself, to be just happy and over all, nobody taught us to FEEL inside ourself, … if the situation in which we are feels good or bad.
So many of us forgot to listen inside, to listen to our intuition or better to listen to our inner being.
If you work with NARP you are going to FEEL more and more and it becomes calmer and clearer inside.
It’s like a little child who wants something. If you don’t listen to the child, (worries, anxieties), it has to come again and again until you take your time to listen.
As Melanie says: “You cannot heal, what you are afraid to feel”
You can’t change your husband, you can only change yourself in order to get to know YOU and your needs. Study your needs and recognise where they originally come from, to see the difference between your real needs (inner being) and the needs which are created by life experience or former education.
By the way::
I’m studying at the moment “Non Violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg and I recognise a lot and I see how difficult it is to express own needs and that is, why I was rarely looking at myself.
If we do not care for ourself FIRST, for our own needs FIRST (I imagine your eyes growing 😳, so did mine years ago), it will be difficult for us to really care for others, as we can hardly feel what they really mean or miss.
Thanks to Melanie’s work and my books and serval studies, I’m realising bit by bit, how far away I was from myself and in some parts I still am, and what’s really going on in my inside and for what life WANTED 💥 me to learn.
It took me 10 years by now to understand and I’m still working on it and I love my studies, as they support my liberation and that feels day by day more fantastic.
Our three girls are my cheerleaders, too.
Narcs are dissolving … a higher power seems to clean up my personal directory/contacts.
If you are interested to see what I mean, please take the chance to find yourself by working with Melanie’s NARP-Program or in addition you may listen to Marshall Rosenberg.
I’d like to share with you this lecture
https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc
I laughed but also became thoughtful.
For your situation scroll forward to minute 1:59:30
It’s sooo interesting.
May be you both are watching the whole lecture for a better understanding? It’s really worth it!!
If your husband refuses or isn’t interested at all , or waves you aside (I know what I’m writing about) than you might see a bit clearer about your position in your “partner”-ship, but you might also see his point, he might be just afraid too or simply embarrassed and doesn’t want to look at it, because he also is not used to look inside.
Work on YOU Gem, work with YOU, finally it’ll all work out FOR 👉🏻YOU. Just TRUST
I see relations like a mobile (art with small parts) if you move, means pulling at your own part, all the others will start to move, too, even if you don’t like the directions of the other moves.
Give yourself a chance, nobody else can do it for you!
If you want to answer please feel free to do so and please remember, you will never be “toooo looong”.
“Keep your heart up!!” (I’ve learned in Yoga) and immediately you will walk upright with a lovely warm and inner presence which you are spreading around you at the same time (mobile😉.
Just trust, you have found Melanies work for a special reason!
Take care for yourself,
with love
Liberty4me
Doing the inner work and healing right now, so that next time, whenever I’m ready, I can get into a healthy relationship. Very interested in the dating bootcamp!
Hi, I am replying to my reply, above. Forgot to say my husband and I have been married 18 years. He has been married 2 times before. Today, I basically told him everything that has/is on my mind. He, of, course got mad and very defensive. I told him maybe we needed time apart. He quickly said he would leave. He said that he has been feeling the same as me. I told him I would leave, but nowhere to go. He is a very defensive man and turns arguments around on you. I get so mixed up that I quit. Wanted to add this, because I wasn’t completely on the blog subject. I actually feel like a new relationship wouldn’t excite me. I am 63 and my husband 70. I am the type of person, who wants everyone happy and to get along, with not a lot of drama.
This was wonderful, thank you!!! 🙂
What if your narcissists have all been “friends” instead of intimate partners? Can the entirety of this article be safely applied to finding future friends?
Hi Tressa,
yes it does – because relationship is relationship … no matter where it comes from!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Timely article! I’ve been thriving with NARP and other MTE programs for a while – amazing results! I started an online dating experiment last summer after a several years-long self-healing hiatus. I got very few and eventually zero responses from this experiment. A couple of nice dates, only to be “ghosted,” or addressed inappropriately. However, I did not allow this lack of responses to affect my self-esteem and sense of worth as a human, as a woman. I wrote my profiles like a declaration of my True Self; I spoke about integrity, self-respect, being grounded. I showed up joyfully in conversations and on dates as myself. What other people do with that is not my responsibility. I noticed how living as a Thriver roots out narcissists! The more exciting and happy and FULL your life is, the more the narcs realize you don’t have any voids they can pretend to fill!
For the first time, thanks to Mel, I now stand in my truth and am unapologetically myself regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing! Too “strong”? Too “real” for people on these sites? That’s okay – I’d rather be my True Self and let the chips fall where they may, rather than relinquish my boundaries for a sub-par relationship! Thank you Mel for helping me get my groove back, regardless of what happens! Sometimes a healthy relationship still seems out of grasp for me, but that’s my cue to return to NARP. It’ll happen some day, there are healthy men out there!
Hi Tabi,
you are very welcome … and absolutely tweaking some more inner programs will unlock the dating experience for you So much!
You are doing a wonderful job of Thriving!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’ve found that people who have a hard time choosing a healthy partner also have a problem choosing other healthy habits for themselves. It’s not that they don’t know better so much as there is an underlying issue that overrides that.
Like you said here, I think a lot of the time it’s that something needs to heal, and often, it’s like that person believes that they are supposed to keep suffering until they’re healed, so they keep making the wrong choice over and over (in relationships and other areas) to facilitate that pain.
Hi to everyone. Just joined Narp and all ready feeling much better. Melanie is walking me through and I feel so safe and happy now
New, eye-opening, and extremely helpful information for me regarding relationships. Thank you dear Melanie.
Hi Joseph,
it’s my pleasure!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Very insightful. Thanks! It begins to sink in …as I creep along in my healing. I think a dating bootcamp sounds great,!
Your words are so important to me! I regularly reread your blog posts to help ground me in myself, and unravel some of my knots. 1000 thanks for the good work you keep birthing!
Hi Sm,
I’m so pleased I can help and you are so welcome!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dating bootcamp! What an amazing idea! I was thinking only earlier this week that it would be so cool if Melanie could offer a NARP dating service. But this is even better 🙂 XXX
Everyday Mel, everyday I am growing, shifting, learning, releasing and blessing. Everyday I am in awe of who I am. I would gratefully accept the opportunity for a dating boot camp.
Hi Lady,
that’s awesome that you are doing so well.
I love what you wrote!
Bless!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I didn’t choose an unhealthy partner. That’s not my reality or diabolical machinations.
Thank you Melanie. I needed to hear this. I have not been truthful with myself and what I need and want in life. I kept thinking of what you said- that people treat us how we treat ourselves. And I kept asking myself why are others being so dishonest with me? and now, I realize it is because I have been dishonest with myself. I have stayed in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, lying to myself and telling myself it is not so bad and he can change. I have been trying to get all the commodities of love, security, safety and approval from people outside myself. Well no more. I don’t care what I have to do. I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t care if I lose face. I am coming home to myself and I am going to generate love. Thank you for the article and guidance, as I am the one who will do this work and change my life, I also thank myself for finding this material to help me. thank u.
Hi Molly,
I’m really pleased that this helped!
Mel 🙏💞🦋