How Overt & Covert Narcissists Hook And Then Destroy You

Whether you’ve had the misfortune of encountering an overt or a covert narcissist you will have endured the cycle of idolise, devalue, and discard.

ALL narcissists apply this cycle of tactics … yet it’s in how they hook you in and destroy you that the difference lies.

Overts have big outgoing personalities, they are entitled, selfish and demanding but often charismatic, confident, and witty.

Coverts are secretly arrogant, superior, and passive-aggressive but mostly quiet and introverted. They appear to be the shy type and often play the victim card.

In my latest Thriver TV episode, I get very clear on how to identify the overt or covert narcissist. I also investigate the overlap between the two and I take you through the steps of the cycle with each one.

This video is full of valuable insight that will clear up any confusion you may have so check it out now.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to help clarify some stuff about overt and covert narcissists, specifically the differences in how they hook you in and how they start destroying you.

So, let’s be really clear that narcissists all use the same tactic, which is to idolise, devalue, and discard, yet covert and overt narcissists do it differently. Today we will do a deep dive into investigating this so that you know what you’re dealing with, what you’re stuck in, what to look for, and how to get out of this.

Before we begin, I’d just like to remind you if you’re new to my YouTube channel and you haven’t yet subscribed. Please do, also hit the notification bell, and remember to share and like my videos if they resonate with you.

In today’s episode regarding overt and covert narcissists, let’s get clear, this is not just about intimate love relationships, it could also relate to a colleague, a friendship, or a family member.

 

The Overt Narcissist

I’m going to start with the most obvious narcissist, the overt narcissist, and let’s start with the first impressions of an overt narcissist. This person is going to be charming, charismatic, engaging, and seem to be really confident. This person could be very attractive. They could have a finely honed body or dress really well. But regardless, they’re probably going to be a standout because of their outgoing personality.

Additionally, these people can be edgy, exciting, naughty, and seem not to care what other people think of them, and they’re often the rebellious type, which can be quite attractive. Because this person is so witty, big, and attention-grabbing, people may not realize how selfish, self-absorbed, and entitled this person is until much later because they are mesmerized by them.

Now, many people do make it known to the overt narcissist that they’re interested in him or her, and this could happen in business because this person seems to have all the confidence and the abilities, or it could be in friendship because this person is so fun to be around. And, of course, in an intimate partner relationship, because this person is so attractive.

So often, with the overt narcissist, they don’t really have to try very hard to investigate potential because they have a vast array of choices, and people gravitate to them naturally.

However, suppose this narcissist targets somebody not falling into their lap. In that case, they may turn on whatever charm is necessary to get this person into their orbit. They do what all narcissists do. They find out what your ON switch is. And there are usually two distinct ways that narcissists notoriously do this.

First of all, they use feigned care, interest and consideration – and it’s an act – to question you and discover what has either hurt you or what is missing and what you need. Then they pretend to be the saviour of this for you, and they do it at a business level, they do it also at a friendship level, and of course, they do it at an intimate partner relationship level.

It’s a highly effective tactic because you believe you found THE person you’ve been looking for, the person you need in business to get your contracts and contacts. It could be the friend you need to have fun with and, of course, the love partner who will see you like no other, always being monogamous – all the things that haven’t worked out for you in the past.

Please think about this, an overt narcissist is going to be big with what they’re saying and what they’re demonstrating. They could shower you with compliments, time, attention, consideration, and even gifts, and you could feel noticed, desired, wanted, and even adored.

Male narcissists are more likely to grant assistance, do the heavy lifting for you and splash the cash, whereas female overt narcissists are likely to come on with extreme care and empathy, they’ll be that wonderful friend, they’ll be that person that makes a difference, and also shows extreme sexuality with potential love partners.

A narcissist who’s overt will portray to future potential supply that they have their lives together, are incredibly positive, strong, capable, and are doing great. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’ll look at this a little later, as you’ll see.

 

The Overt Narcissist’s Idolising Stage

Let’s have a look at the idolising stage of an overt narcissist. When snaring a person as a new supply, the overt narcissist starts idolising them in a highly demonstrative manner. They make these people the centre of their life. They introduce them to family, friends – and even their children – way too fast.

They may show off pictures of the love partner’s hot body on social media, or other aspects such as their finances, their boat, their house, their life, whatever can garner the most “look at me attention” because this person is an object for this narcissist to bolster their ego, a prop to show off and brag about, to get acclaim for and to hopefully make other people envy the narcissist because of what the narcissist brings into the narcissist’s life.

The new person to the narcissist is like a shiny new toy, exciting, bedazzling, and the best thing ever. The narcissist may tell this person how they are the best friend they’ve ever had, the best boss, the best lover, how they’re in love with them almost immediately, how they are their “one and only”, and how they see life with this person and this person only, in the future.

Why does this happen? Because the narcissist is milking, to themselves, the “Aren’t you incredible” new narcissistic supply, they can get themselves high on their own idolising of you. It’s a drug, it’s obsession, it’s fantasy, it’s irresponsible, and it’s completely unrealistic, and it ultimately leads to disaster. You’ll have to fall off that pedestal … and you do.

 

The Overt Narcissist’s Devalue Stage

Let’s look at how that happens because when we get to the devaluing stage of the overt narcissist – the honeymoon starts to crash, as it was always going to, for many reasons.

As the person connected to an overt narcissist, you’re going to get the shock of your life, and you’re going to have a lot to complain about because the mirage starts cracking and wearing off, and you are stunned about how disastrous the running of their life is. They could have active addictions, debt, messes, overspending, carelessness, disasters, lies, broken relationships, and a lack of personal responsibility.

They’re also incredibly superficial, and they have high disdain for others, “I’m right, and everybody else is wrong” It’s the whole superiority inferiority thing they do.

There’s a constant need for attention and the way that they’re entitled to whatever they want whenever they want it without consideration for other people. The horrible and abusive ways they treat and speak to you when you do not agree with their ridiculous narratives and behaviour. They’ve switched from being so infatuated and adoring of you to treating you like the absolute enemy, somebody that they detest and loathe.

The truth is really coming up and out. Rather than being so solid and confident and having it together, this person is massively disordered and ridiculously insecure, and they’re controlling, possessive, and jealous. They hate not being the centre of the spotlight, and they can’t deal with you being yourself and having an outside life that grants you happiness, joy, and purpose.

This narcissist will isolate you and harshly punish you for thinking or having any energy, connections, or life away from the narcissist. They have to be the God, King and Queen of your universe. How dare you have anything or anybody else?

Of course, you’re not going to agree with this narcissist’s warped version of themselves in life, and you’re going to speak up, you’re going to say “ouch” a lot. The narcissist then has to turn on you. They have to devalue you and punish you because it was never going to go any other way, and then even if you are so bruised and shattered by being set upon that you think, well, I’m just going to shut up and put up and say nothing because it’s safer, the narcissist is still going to target you and attack you for detaching, going quiet, and apparently giving them the silent treatment by being terrible and abusive.

You cannot appease the narcissist’s insatiable, monstrous ego. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t – you can’t win.

 

The Overt Narcissist’s Discard Stage

Let’s have a look at the discard stage of the overt narcissist. There are numerous reasons why the overt narcissist will discard you. It could be because you are so emptied and sick now that you would require care, which is disgusting to a narcissist. There is nothing left to take from you and gain from you, so they will have to throw you aside and have a new supply.

Or maybe you’re waking up too much to the narcissist and risking their exposure to others. If you are doing that in a solid, calm, empowered way, where they can’t twist it back on you and make you out to be the lunatic, well, you’re going to blow their cover, so they’ll have to get rid of you.

Or maybe a richer or more fertile source or supply has come into their life, and there’s more to gain from that person and more to exploit.

It’s always been about the object you are, who either is or isn’t serving the narcissist adequately and now that you’re not the object of choice to serve the overt narcissist, the narcissist must throw you away like a defective object and completely obliterate your reputation so that he or she seems right in ending it with you.

It’s all about maintaining the narrative that “I’m the good person, and you’re the bad one.” Even if you end it, the narcissist will tell people it was their idea, and they needed to because of who you were. Either way, you are going to be made out to be the sick, evil, abusive one, no matter what you have done or contributed, you will never, ever be recognized for what you did or what you gave.

You’re in for a tumultuous time in a discard by an overt narcissist. The overt narcissist runs hot. They may explode, spew abuse, and even threaten you, steal your money, and make your life a living hell in every way you could imagine. They may try to stop you at every pass for you restarting your life because they’re going to really punish you.

They also may flaunt how wonderful their life is under your nose with the person, the job, or whatever they’ve replaced you with – and of course, the love partner. They will parade around the things they stole from you to somehow vindicate themselves to others and how healthy they are compared to you because you’re shattered and broken. Your life is being destroyed, and you can barely get out of bed and function.

Revenge is a big deal for these narcissists who have convinced themselves and others that the things they were doing to you are exactly what you were doing to them. That’s what they will make out – and they actually believe it.

In regard to intimate relationships, there’s very little conscience operating, and he or she is likely to be seeking sex elsewhere even before the final discard and may even allow you to find out about it.

Also, this narcissist can keep playing with you on a string with hoovers, especially if you start getting strong and let go and start getting on with your life, the narcissist may scoop you up again with undying sentiments of love and how they’re going to heal themselves, but it’s all a ploy to get the control back and to discard you even harder.

Because this is about the narcissist managing their own monstrous and totally insecure ego, which above all else, cannot stand you detaching and moving on and making them a non-reality in your life.

 

 

 

The Covert Narcissist

That’s the overt narcissist, now let’s look at the differences in how the covert narcissist operates.

So, first impressions when you meet a covert narcissist – this narcissist is much less obvious. They may be at the back of the room, and they’re quieter, and this narcissist will listen more and take up less space than the overt. This narcissist, as a more introverted individual, seeks people out in a much quieter way.

And rather than the overt narcissist having their life on display like a “look at me” success story, this narcissist plays the victim. They told people about their hard luck story, that they never got the breaks that others did, that their previous spouse treated them badly, that they had a shocking childhood, and that other people have ripped off their hard work and ideas.

If the covert narcissist is high functioning, as many are, they can appear intelligent, Soulful, caring, nice people who just didn’t get the break they deserved in life.

Absolutely, covert narcissists demand attention and the limelight, they need superiority like any narcissist, but they do it in a much less obvious way. They may downplay their abilities and accomplishments so that others rush in to bolster them.

Especially after being with an overt narcissist, people often mistakenly believe that the covert narcissist is humble, much nicer, and probably couldn’t even be a narcissist because they’re not out there bragging and boasting and carrying on as overts do. Nothing is further from the truth, as you will soon learn about.

 

The Covert Narcissist’s Idolising Stage

In the idealized stage of the covert narcissist, the narcissist gets people into their life primarily by getting them to feel sorry for them. Plus, they’re great conversationalists. They do the same thing as other narcissists, such as appearing interested, caring and concerned for others while sharing their versions of the troubles and tribulations that they have suffered, as well as listening to your own and identifying with all of it so that you feel like you have a kinship with this person.

Then what they do, they also let slip, or they’ll talk about how they are really capable and amazing, and they have a ton of potential. If they’d only receive the breaks other people did, then they would be this incredible person, and they’re ambitious, and they want to succeed.

Covert narcissists set about convincing people that their potential and abilities are incredible if they could only get some support and assistance. Kindhearted people with high levels of empathy can believe that this could be a wonderful win-win situation – I can help bring this person’s potential to light, and we could share a wonderful relationship, whether it be a friendship or a business deal or a family member you’re trying to help, and of course a love partner, and I’m going to help this person, and then I’m going also to get to share in the best that this person has to offer.

Absolutely, covert narcissists can fly under the radar because they are so good at pretending a deep one-on-one connection with one person, rather than the big, shiny, “you have to share me with the entire room” of an overt narcissist.

 

The Covert Narcissist’s Devalue Stage

Let’s look at the devaluing stage and what happens with a covert narcissist. Somebody connected with a covert narcissist will discover that this person has no desire to step into their potential or be encouraged and supported to get there. It doesn’t matter what you do for them or with them to try to help them, nothing will take off. Yet, of course, when you’re connected to a covert narcissist, you keep hoping that they will come into good, and you’re going to hang on accordingly, trying to crack that code with them that ignites them into happiness and a healthy, prosperous life.

The truth is this, the covert narcissist is an entitled victim, and they’re a parasite who is exploiting the person trying to see and support their potential. They actually believe that they are entitled and expect other people to take up their slack and give them what they want.

They have a high level of entitlement, and of course, they take advantage of this person who’s one to keep the fires going and the roof over their head, paying the bills and funding the narcissist being a narcissist, which is caring only about themselves.

To avoid having their cover blown, and the person that’s hooked into them waking up and getting away and stopping being a host to the narcissist’s parasitical behaviour, this intelligent colder type narcissist works with demeaning and degrading, insidious, non-obvious comments and behaviours to chip away at the victim’s self-esteem and sanity and keep control of them.

So, whereas the overt may blurt out hot abuse and rip your head off verbally, the covert will do it more with gaslighting. They’re going to say things in a really calm way that’s going to make you doubt yourself, your intentions and your sanity, and they’re really passive-aggressive.

These are two of the covert narcissist’s favourite weapons, and they can be really cruel in dispensing them. They’ll bring in allies, they’ll talk about other people by saying, “Well so and so does this, and so and so does that, what’s wrong with you? Why are you thinking this?” Or “Why are you like this? Why are you so selfish?”

It makes people literally feel like they’re the bad and the wrong one and that they’re losing their minds. The more confused and traumatized you are, the less you can be self-defined, get clarity, and defend yourself against what is happening.

Even though you know something is terribly wrong with a covert narcissist, you may not be able to put your finger on it, whereas, with an overt, it’s right in your face. The abuse is not as obvious, and the covert narcissist will continue to do whatever they want, which is feathering their own nest at your expense.

If you try to get them into action and contributing, they will act like the victim, that you’re abusive, and they’ll work with guilt and accuse you of being selfish. They twist facts. They will deny that they said something at all, or that they promised something, or they were going to do something, they change realities and the goalposts, and they mess with your mind. And they often do it in a very calm, cool way.

They’re also very good at making you think that other people in your life also agree with them and think that you have issues and that there’s something terribly wrong with you. If you try to leave the covert narcissists, they may do something like threatens how bad their life will be, or they can’t cope, or even worse … to try to train you to never stand up for yourself or leave again. He or she knows how to play on your feelings of empathy and over-responsibility for them. Like all narcissists, this is all about control and emptying you to serve the narcissist.

 

The Covert Narcissist’s Discard Stage

Let’s go through the discard stage, what happens with the covert narcissist? Often a covert narcissist discards people in their life after they’ve made them so sick and emptied out that there’s nothing more to get from them. These relationships don’t usually blow up in a blaze of glory or as quickly as the overt narcissistic relationships do, and they don’t often keep cycling back through the hoovers and get back together and repeat dramatic breakups that happen with overt narcissists.

A covert narcissist may keep hoovering somebody until they’ve emptied them if there’s still more to get and if they haven’t been able to replace them with a better supply. Because victims of covert narcissists often stay the years or even decades through guilt or obligation. The discard if the narcissist leaves is because there’s nothing left to take, the person is broken down and sick, and they would be far too needy to continue a relationship with, which the narcissist isn’t going to tolerate. Or the relationship could end because somebody has just had enough, but they’ll be emptied.

Covert narcissists are as cruel and calculating as any narcissist. They’re just less showy about it. This person could dump you like yesterday’s breakfast, move on, turn their phone off, have zero empathy, and they’re happy to leave you with whatever illnesses you’ve procured, and nothing left to rebuild with. They feel entitled to the lot. You’re much less likely to see this person parading a new partner all over social media. Yet, for obvious reasons, you can see how deadly a relationship with a covert narcissist could be.

 

Healing And Protecting Ourselves From Overt And Covert Narcissists

Let’s look at our healing and protection from overt and covert narcissists. Much more than just recognizing them and the different types and what we do, we really need to study and identify our own tendencies that got us caught up and trapped with these people. We can’t change narcissists, we’re never going to, but we can change, heal, and empower ourselves.

Regarding being attracted to overt narcissists, we may have felt small, unprotected, and unable to make it in life by ourselves, even though we might have been really capable and resourceful and even successful. Still, it’s an emotional feeling that made us feel drawn to wanting somebody big, capable, and confident to help us with this.

Maybe we were used to this type of personality being in our life from early childhood, and it’s really familiar to us: somebody big and strong and apparently capable, yet also egocentric, selfish, self-absorbed and dominating. Maybe we were used to being controlled and having somebody take over our lives rather than feeling confident enough to do this for ourselves, even if we are. It’s all about our emotional inner feelings.

In our unconscious desires for a rock – because we hadn’t yet healed and grown-up those inner parts of ourselves which still felt small and afraid – we experienced a hammer again, somebody who hurt us, crossed our boundaries, violated and invalidated us, and didn’t add support and care to our lives at all. That’s what can be going on with an overt narcissist for us, that’s why we get hooked in.

The attraction to a covert narcissist is that many want to be rescued. We’re attracted to vulnerabilities and getting behind somebody we think needs love and a better chance at life. Covert narcissists will share their sob stories very early on. If you are empathetic and kind in nature, you feel really sorry for these people about the childhood abuse and the terrible things that they’ve suffered at the hands of others. You may feel protective, and that bonds you to them deeply.

You may also hang on and on to these people and the cognitive dissonance of, “He (or she) is like this because of their childhood,” and “I can understand why they’re like this.” You make excuses and justifications for their behaviour no matter how badly they treat you.

At the deeper levels of our Inner Being, if we’ve had relationships with family members (usually parents, but it could be any family member) who were damaged and vulnerable, and we were trying to fix them so they could be healthy enough to love us and look after us, then we’re going to be naturally subconsciously attracted and attractive to victims who need fixing.

Now, of course, you may identify that you’ve been connected to a narcissist who’s a mixture of overt and covert behaviours, and the truth is narcissists can switch from being overt to covert to get what they want and target potential victims.

Maybe you’ve had relationships with both types. Often, people get with an overt narcissist, and then, if they still haven’t done the inner work to heal up their own inner identities, they can get with a covert belief that this person is not a narcissist, yet they still are.

Or maybe you’ve had a relationship with a covert narcissist who was the victim and parasitising off you. Then you choose an overt narcissist who is more confident and capable and positive, or seemingly so.

 

In Conclusion

So, it happened to all of us in many ways, the overlap of covert and overt, and the overlap of our wounds that caused us to be susceptible to all of these types of people.

I created NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, specifically to bring the focus back to our healing, emancipation, and liberation from narcissistic abuse. To dissolve our bonds, ties, and narcissistic abuse symptoms, to completely heal from those, and then to go forward with a changed Inner Identity.

That way we get better, and we choose better, and we don’t fall into the clutches of these people, and we don’t allow them to enmesh with us very, very quickly. Like all predators, they have to strike and start feeding very quickly – instead, we are able to stand back, trust our gut, speak up, have boundaries, question things, and pull away when we know things weren’t right, and it changes everything.

To check out NARP, I want you to look at this link. I hope that today’s video has been enlightening, that it has cleared up some confusion for you, and that it helped you know what you’re in, what to look out for, and also give you some hope that you don’t have to continue living with this type of abuse from either a covert, an overt, or anything in between.