It may seem like the narcissist gets to coast through life never receiving the karma for the pain they cause. But it’s just not true!
Even if the narcissist has a hot partner, a Ferrari in the garage and an opulent home and lifestyle they don’t truly enjoy their lives.
Understandably, it’s hard to see this side of things because it is us that has been cruelly cast aside, stripped of everything,and left as a mere shell of who we once were … where’s the karma in that?
In today’s Thriver TV episode, I unpack and prove to you how the narcissist’s fantastic life is anything but the truth. In fact, the narcissist is having a shocking time and is locked into their hellish karma every single day! There is nothing to envy in that.
Video Transcript
Today I want to talk to you about how the narcissist is getting their karma every single day. This is so important for those of you who feel like the narcissist stripped everything from you and that he or she is having a great life and that you never can again.
Please know this, what appears to be true regarding the narcissist’s fantastic life is anything but the truth. In fact, the narcissist is having a shocking time and in today’s video, I’m going to unpack this for you and prove it to you.
What Happiness And Success Really Is
Let’s start off by getting a perspective on what happiness and success really is, because I know you may think the narcissist has these things but they don’t, and after I explain what it is, you may understand why he or she doesn’t have it at all.
What does everybody really want? I think that we can all agree that it’s love, happiness, good health, success, all the good stuff. If we peel this back even more, it’s important to understand that true happiness comes from feelings of inner peace, solidness, and wholeness. They need to be durable, they need to be lasting, not like some sugar rush gratification that gives highs when certain things happen and then crashes into lows when they don’t.
In fact, a life like that is identical to one of an addict, which goes like this: I feel good when I get my hit of whatever it is that takes me away from how I’m really feeling on the inside and I feel terrible when it wears off and I can’t get more of that.
Being in a state of happiness – which is durable inner peace and wholeness – has nothing to do with what people are getting or what they already have, because this is precarious. It’s subjective and it’s dependent on supply and a continuation of stuff.
Rather, a true state of happiness has to do with beingness. This is so important to understand. I’m going to explain more about this soon, but now let’s look at the narcissist’s karma every day that they’re experiencing as a result of their unhealthy beingness.
The State Of The Narcissist’s Beingness
So, what is the state of the narcissist’s beingness? I’m just going to be really frank with you – the narcissist’s state of beingness is garbage. It’s terrible and I really mean that. It’s in a desperately broken state. Because they’re feeling so insecure, toxic, and tormented on the inside, the narcissist tries to medicate with stuff and here is their grand delusion of, “I’m going to try to continually get things outside of me to try to feel better inside of me.”
The narcissist is the ultimate addict. He or she needs narcissistic supply to try to self-regulate these emotions. The narcissist needs attention, stuff, the claims, superiority, significance, objects, and whatever they decide that they’re entitled to have.
What this is really about is trying to get happiness and durable gratification, feeling gratified for a lasting amount of time, but it doesn’t last because the narcissist keeps defaulting back to how they really feel on the inside, which is horrifically insecure, broken, unacceptable, and empty.
They have the constant surges of addiction, which is the anxiety, that itch that always needs scratching of, “I need something outside of me to try to feel healthier on the inside.” This is so like taping sandwiches onto your jumper or pullover and hoping that you feel like you’ve had lunch. It’s not going to work.
The narcissist, if they are able to, keeps chasing the things that feed their ego, that’s what they do, such as the hot looking person, the money, the flashy car, the expensive dinners, the holidays, or whatever they can parasite off other people if they’re not capable of creating these things themselves, yet the narcissist is always coming up empty.
It’s like a sugar rush and their demanding insatiable False Self, which is like a black hole can be appeased momentarily but then like every addict, it wants more and more next time. I want you to think about this. We all know about people who have what we may think is everything, but yet they’re in a shocking emotional state and they’re nowhere near happy.
A Snapshot Of The Narcissist’s Everyday Reality
I’m going to explain these following two facts about narcissists. Number one, narcissists are never genuinely happy. They’re constantly chasing the hits of faux happiness when their ego is being fed and they’re seething pits of suffering, victimization, and hatred for themselves, life, and others when their False Self is not getting what it wants.
Number two, the delusion that the narcissist is stuck in is the belief of, “If I do the getting, then the beingness will follow.” No, it doesn’t. Just like no amount of exercise can make up for a terrible diet, no amount of doing and getting can make up for a broken beingness.
I want to give you a snapshot of the narcissist’s everyday reality. So let’s imagine together this scene regarding the narcissist who you may feel has it all and it looks like they’ve got it all.
Let’s imagine this: He or she wakes up to the current hot partner, there’s a Ferrari in the garage, and there’s huge rooms full of opulence that surround the narcissist as their home. But the narcissist isn’t happy. In fact, he or she wakes up feeling horrible, like narcissists generally wake up feeling because they’re low on narcissistic supply.
The hot partner, the Ferrari, and the palatial home were all hits of significance from previous days. These things have worn off now. There is an inner anxiety and the ever-threatening inner self-critical black hole, threatening to engulf the narcissist once again.
The narcissist needs a hit from the outside to try to feel better. He or she, whilst in the bathroom alone, texts their lover to see if they can make an excuse, slip out, and go and get sex on the side this afternoon. They leave a message with the lover, which isn’t answered yet.
The narcissist’s anxiety is building. The new neighbour who the narcissist has been grooming for adoration by helping this person, is out in front of their home, watering the garden.
“I’ll ask them in for coffee,” the narcissist thinks. This person comes over and starts sharing the hard time that they’re going through at the moment. The narcissist makes an excuse that they have to go, cuts the talk short, and decides how much they despise the neighbour now. “They’re so selfish. It’s all about them,” the narcissist projects.
The narcissist who is now precariously low on narcissistic supply needs attention fast as they feel their energy becoming dangerously low, threatening depression, and turns to look at the hot partner. “Why aren’t they making me feel better?” seethes the narcissist.
Then paranoia erupts from within, they decide that the hot partner is a horrible person out to get them and take all of their money. The narcissist starts to give them the silent treatment and you could cut the air with the knife. The hot partner senses something’s up and asks, “What’s wrong?” The narcissist snaps back, “You know what’s wrong. I know what’s going on with you.”
The hot partner questions further, what on earth does the narcissist mean? And then the narcissist accuses them of all sorts of things, ironically, exactly what the narcissist themselves does behind this partner’s back.
The partner is devastated, fights back, and is shattered emotionally. The narcissist starts to feel some relief because they’ve offloaded and attacked and gained superiority again as a result of affecting this person so emotionally, so impactfully. The relief is getting better.
The more that they can tell the hot partner how shocking they are, how terribly they treat the narcissist, and take advantage and so on and so forth … as the hot partner descends into hysteria under the wrath of this callous abuse, this exonerates the narcissist who says to themselves, “I was right. This person is the cause of why I feel this way. Look at them now.”
Then feeling some semblance of power again, the narcissist deserts the partner, which grants them even more superiority seeing how devastated the partner is when abandoned, and they go to work. The partner is not there that evening when the narcissist returns. After, the narcissist did drop in for quick sex with their lover on the way home. The current partner has gone to stay with their friend. They’ve had enough of the narcissist’s nastiness, accusations, and abuse, and abandonments, and they’ve left to try to save their Soul and their sanity.
The narcissist then starts weighing up the options to get attention back from the current hot partner. What will drive him or her mad the most and make them come back for more? Will it be ignoring them, blaming them, love bombing them? Maybe it’s time to discard them all together and take up with the part-time lover more permanently. Hang on, no, the lover is too convenient. They keep things quiet and casual and don’t ask for more. What about the new person at work? Maybe. Or maybe the neighbour. Hang on. They wanted attention this morning. They need to serve me not the other way around, or maybe I could pretend to care and be interested and start a relationship with them. On and on and on and on it goes. The drama, the chaos, the ups, the downs, the sugar rushes, the sugar crashes, the lies, the covering up of lies.
Please know what I’m sharing with you is the truth. You may think that the narcissist has it all. They don’t. With this much internal chaos, disaster, and neediness, and the need to regulate the drug of narcissistic supply to hold up their insatiable, defective False Self, do you really think the narcissist has any consciousness, peace, space, or time to even be grateful and enjoy what they have? Of course not.
Their inner world and their outer life are a constant mess. It’s a life built on lies. When one lie has to turn into dozens to maintain that lie, and then even more, and the greatest lie of all is this external chase that the narcissist is always on, a merry-go-round that they can never get off that will never deliver them to personal nirvana.
There’s nothing to envy here. I know you want the narcissist to have the karma for what they do to people and specifically for what they’ve done to you, but I hope you now know that the narcissist is getting the karma of their insane dysfunction every moment of every day. He or she will never hold onto peace, wellbeing, and inner wholeness.
Narcissists Are Not Having A Great Life
So where does this leave you? Where does it leave all of us actually? Let’s have a look at our wholeness. We can learn a lot from understanding narcissism. We can even see parallels with ourselves in the ego, False Self attachments that narcissists have. Please let’s get clear. This does not mean that you’re a bad person. You have a conscience. You don’t purposefully lie to others, exploit them, and do terrible things behind their back. That’s not the normal, natural way that you operate because you don’t just see people as objects to serve you. You do recognize human beings as flesh and blood, autonomous human beings. I know you do. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.
However, if we are honest with ourselves, we may have been missing the point about stuff and happiness. We may have believed that narcissists are having a great life and we aren’t, and we are the victim because they ran off with our stuff.
It’s not true that they’re having a great life for all the reasons that I shared with you today and it’s not true that because they took your stuff, that you can’t have a great life. You can in fact be better, healthier, happier, and more prosperous than you could ever imagine as a result of getting your beingness healed up and right, then everything in your life can follow.
Please don’t worry about stuff because when your Being heals and feels durably whole and at peace and happy as you are as yourself, then the doing and the getting becomes far more easy and empowered and real and durable than you could ever imagine. This is the Thriving that I teach people. It comes from letting go of the narcissist and healing ourselves.
In Conclusion
Hopefully today has helped you let go of feeling envious and devastated and I hope it’s helped you know that there is nothing for you to envy about the narcissist who is locked into karma – this terrible karma in their life that they are living as hell every single day.
If you want out of all of this pain and drama and chaos and into your personal heaven and nirvana that does work and is durable, I’d love to help you with this by offering you my free two-part Masterclass, which explains this and much more. You can access this by clicking here.
Dear Melanie!
It continues to amaze me how you are able to put together all of this incredible knowledge of yours coupled with your own personal experience and wisdom in such an easy to understand, palatable form for us! Wow!!!
Today, once again, was no exception. Wow!!! Wow!!!
I have learned, so thankfully, in spite of my continuing own nagging shortcomings, so much from NARP….
this particular article is just another of so many you have sent to us beings on this earth that is giving me more hope and more inspiration in my ongoing “war” both spiritually and physically or psychically with a horrible narcissist.
When you mentioned today the narcissist coming around and taking and taking and taking it sure hit me “right smack on top of my head!” 🔔 I have so struggled with that…
As I’ve mentioned in some other comments this has been happening here and there with the narcissist. …each time it has happened and each time that I “cave-in” and let her get away with taking things in spite of it temporarily weakening me, knowing that I need to “stand my ground” where I’ve failed in particular so often in the past, I’ve learned something very important….
I have learned that I need to become inwardly stronger….and I know that will happen as I continue to work with NARP…. and I’m learning how powerful the phrase “get out of my space” is!!! 🙌🙌🙌
That might not sound like much but it means a lot to me because it’s been so damn hard!
You recently recommended for me to use the SH & R module for help with issues like this and, Melanie, it’s starting to work! I would never have used that phrase “get out of my space” in that way or situation had it not been for my recent so welcomed work with the SH&R module….
That is going to be 🙏hopefully🙏 an axiomatic part of my inner and outer repertoire that I will be able use when I feel or sense or see that she is invading my private space, not just my home but my private space within me…
right now. in this moment, it really feels that I will have the much needed supreme confidence and important belief that I can do this always! 🙏
This is really an important steppingstone for me as I’ve struggled with all of that so much AND I’m sick and tired of this person living in my space!
(BTW! She was here again! 🤮)
I hope that what I’m saying is understandable because a lot of it is still kind of cloudy to me but at least I feel stronger and more positive and determined…
I so appreciated ALL of this article although the issue that I mentioned above is probably the one that I need to take care of for this particular time.
Thanks, Melanie! You are such a big help! ❤️🦋❤️
PS! And, you are right they are like an insatiable black hole that never has enough…🌚🤮🌚
Hi Peter,
it is, as always, my absolute pleasure!
If I may ask these questions … Is she a part owner of the house, does she has a legal right to show up? If not there will need to come the time where you dont allow her any visits.
Do you have children together, what are the ties?
You can’t keep letting “the drug” that destroys you creep back in, when you know you want off of it, that’s the real issue Peter. If you do still have ties with her, then how do these get finalised?
Then true breakthrough healing can begin.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
In response to your questions I will try to answer the best that I can. Firstly, there is only one of my children left surviving and as I’ve shared in the forum before two of my children died unexpectedly and dwell in Spirit!💞💞
Secondly, she still is part owner of the marital home and we are going through a very contentious legal “battle” settling property and assets which doesn’t need to be described at all as to how miserable it really is.
The narcissist has been told by lawyers and the court that she should not be coming to the marital home and taking things… she has completely disregarded these rulings and, from my end, requests i’ve personally made.On at least two occasions I’ve had to have the authorities come here and stop her.
This particular a separation/divorce has been going on for 4+ years and there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. There was a business involved and various accounts and investments that need to be settled in the right way and I doing my best to not, every time she wishes, let her continue to bulldoze me and let her have everything only her way.
She, when she wants things from the marital home, for any reason, is still able to “hoodwink” me on some occasions… it is something I really have such a difficult time with.
That issue, that I so struggle with, is why I responded the way I did in the blog..
.So often in the past I’ve been submissive and let her walk all over me but I’ve been better about that especially the most recent time she made a visit to the marital home to grab things.
I was able to, with firmness, tell her to “get out of my space” and I didn’t just mean the marital home. It was a way for me of making an effort to stand firm and with this firmness, maybe, partially, release some semblance of this horrible Psychic connection that I still have to this person….During the moment that I did that I was present and knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I feel very confident that doing the SH & R helped me to be able to say that to her with conviction and inner strength. That was what I was trying to share with everyone.
I realize that I have a ways to go….I know that every single day of my life I work on this and I use NARP religiously to help me and guide me so that I do the right things and I know that “the Way of a Narper” will someday be, for me, my power!
I hope I answered your questions! Thank you so much, Melanie, for taking the time to reach out the way you did! That means so much!💞
Sending love and continued gratitude for everything that you have helped me with and continue to help me with! Much much love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
I do know – and it is mindblowing what loss and trauma you have been through Dear Man …
Oh gosh that is so difficult what you are going through – yes it does answer my heart goes out to you and I pray you can bring it to a conclusion.
They really do love hanging on, having control over and keeping their supply going.
Your greatest option is freedom – however that becomes necessary.
It’s great you are speaking up and standing your ground to get your soul back.
Much Love to you too Peter
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie,
Once again you are spot on! Your understanding makes clear sense to those of us who have experienced this abuse. I greatly value this article and thank you for all the good work you do to help all of us on such a continual basis 😊. Much love!
It’s my pleasure Tressa,
many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Every word of what you read here is true. Every single word of what every single person who speaks here is true.
That’s kind of rare in the world(s) of a narc. It is SOOOOOOO refreshing here.
Fog lifts as the sadness and “what hell your life must be” is properly reflected where it belongs (upon the life and actions of a dizzyingly broken person), instead of absorbed as “something to do with me.” Speaking personally, what seems to replace that (it takes work, and is SOOOOOOO worth it) is a blend of gratitude, confidence and happiness. Wow, that’s nice!
Hi Man from California,
what you just wrote is SOOO liberating and true also.
Thank you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Very helpful. The metaphor of taping sandwiches to their jumper – and never feeling satiated – is a brilliant metaphor and visual. I can see my ex in everything you wrote here – especially when you run through their morning routine. I can cut and paste this to my exs evening routine, understanding their behavior better of why I never knew what mood was going to be walking back in through that door. Or why he would try everything to break me down every time we were having guests over. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Lolly,
please know how welcome you are
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow! Thank you so much for putting this together. This is exactly what happens but we just don’t want to believe it. You explained it exactly to a T. We need to open our eyes so they no longer have this power that their deceit continues to gaslight us. Please do this more and hit the point home as it was so very much on target.
You are very welcome Janyss,
I’m pleased it has helped you connect to the truth
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for your precise and exact understanding of this, which so encourages me! I’ll hold onto this as my ex buys my kids, slanders and shuns me.
It’s my pleasure Barbara!
I’m so pleased that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie!
Loved the sandwich metaphor!! 😂
Much love
Hi Indigo,
it’s my pleasure!
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Mel –
Considering the topic, I didn’t logically expect this article to be so helpful for my current difficulty, but, you went right to the core of the storm and made a calm clear straight path to the healing work when I was too triggered to even see it. Just what I needed.
You seem super charged with some kind of magical resonates and clarity lately because your messages are so multileveled and spot on while conveying something you can just feel.
I am just so very grateful for your healing tools, NARP, for your enthusiasm, focus, skill and your caring enough to help us.
Peter’s comment was also inspiring and your response to him very helpful in that you show that, even though sometimes things are tough, we can move from stormy poisonous entanglement that blocks our healing to a place of boundary that protects our calm peace by focusing on ‘feeling first’ and stepping up for ourselves by making boundary, while avoiding getting trapped by that outward needing that traps the narc. I made a needed boundary with someone today, a beautiful women that really tempted me to compromise my peace and values, and it was hard and difficult emotions ensued, but now I can’t believe I almost let that person in and feel so much better.
How, I connected to you was because you were the only one who could speak to that magical-seeming power of the narc to hypnotically deceive others and align them against me despite the clear facts. The abuse-by-proxy persecution through childcare facility, courts and police is as intense as it ever was. What is different now, however, is I can see these challenges more and more as happening for me. They are no longer front-and-center, I can function and appreciate.
These challenges feel like they are sometimes too triggering to allow focus on the healing work and also they feel like they are just too unbelievable to dare attempt to share but when you do the NARP, through commitment, the clarity that all these challenges were necessary, is huge and the relief, forgiveness, peace, all that, is huge. Thank you, Melanie.
Hi Doug,
I’m so pleased that this bored down into the truth for you!
Thank you for your lovely words and I truly do feel like I am “ascending” now, more than ever 🙂
I love Doug that you are meeting the triggers, NARPing them and coming out the other side.
That is the turning point for struggling as a human, to truly becoming clear, powerful and peaceful and knowing there is no “loss”, just the healthy choices of yes and no. Every well-placed no leads to an even more triumphant opportunity for wonderful yes’s!
You are SO on track!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie,Very real and very inspiring.It’s always good to be reminded how dismal and unhappy they really are after so much abuse from them.It puts things in perspective.This was a very vivid and brilliant piece.Well done.x
Thank you Shelly,
and love and blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
All of it true. I ended my relationship with the narcissist 15 years ago, and from time to time he still has to email or try to call (but I don’t answer) and tell me how happy he is and he has everything he wants now (he has been stealing from my home). I can sense it is not true. I don’t contact any of my past relationship partners to make these claims. Why am I even in his thoughts anymore if he’s so happy? (rhetorical) But his calls make me nervous because I have to wonder what he is going to steal from me next. I have a social worker and we are documenting everything. 3 years ago we photographed every item in my home as proof for Police after his thefts. And now we are installing security cameras. This is all so unbelievable to me because while I dated him I helped him and had to make great sacrifices in order to help him. What I already gave was never enough, obviously, he wants everything I own and could care less if one who helped him is left with nothing. A true narcissist through and through.
ALL TRUE! 1000%. A day in the life of a narcissist! Ugh….it’s been a while since I have had to think about that….and never wish to relive it.
Wakes up texting his lover…never could get out of the house fast enough…even when our kids were little, he was just MIA…always had to go go go…and I believe this is part of the narcissism. They are never settled. Never happy. Always looking. Then eventually it turns onto Us, as partners…and them “not being happy” because we are just not enough, even though they can’t quite say it! And, yes, we end up being shattered emotionally and devastated, for which they come down on us for Having those emotions/reactions to THEIR actions.
It definitely is a vicious cycle. One I never plan on being in again.
He surely does walk the walk like he’s got it made in the shade now, with his 3-yr supposably “hot” girlfriend. It’s laughable to think that of course he is doing the same thing to her, no matter how much he says he’s changed now.
No way. I don’t believe it for a minute. And the new gf shouldn’t either.
Thanks again Melanie! I have referred your blogs to so many people over the years. I feel these really saved me.
All I can say is “NOW I really KNOW”.
Hi Karen,
I’m really glad this has helped give you validation of the truth!
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow….how grateful I am for having found you Mel, in my 60 th year of life!
I have needed to hear and know every nugget of wisdom and insight you have shared and I pore over your posts and listen so carefully to your videos.
I have just finally found myself able to go no contact with a man who I lived with after high school and who came back into my life a few years ago, and I am finally understanding why things went the way they did!
I had suffered so much – blaming myself for the relationship not working out, both times – until finally I began to learn about narcissism.
I am a child of a narcissistic mother and have been co dependent my whole life and every relationship and friendship has been to narcs.
I can’t say enough how deeply grateful I am for everything you bring to us Melanie!
I am old now, but I feel like I have an opportunity now to change and grow as a person who has been given this wonderful opportunity and gift of knowledge!
The pain was so intense and overwhelming and I was lost in a sea of self blame and agonizing ignorance!…now it’s subsiding the more I learn!
I hope you get back so many blessings for the help you give Mel!🤗🥰🙏💕
Hi Jo,
it is really beautiful to read your note and I’m so pleased that I have been able to help you!
Well done for being strong and choosing you!
You are still so young darling lady and you have an incredible Thriver life ahead of you.
There are women in our NARP community at 80 who broke free and adore their lives now!
Much Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Simply magnificent and so consoling !
Thank you very much Melanie for sharing g your wisdom and life experience with us !
Andrea
I’m pleased Andrea this has been so affirming for you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Reaching out to a lawyer and the Alzheimer’s society as the narc in my scenario is my sweethearts daughter also his Power of attorney .
She is pure evil.
You helped me to leave and go no contact now for 2. 7 yrs. after a long and painful 25 yr. marriage. He is a textbook covert narc. So happy now I am free!
The divorce lawyers took care of things, and my adult sons and I are now thriving. Thank you so much for everything. You are a blessing.
Thank you Melanie. I could hardly get out of bed this morning, exhausted from these repetitive thoughts. This is by far the best video yet. I can now get through my Sunday xx
I’ve had this surface for me again recently. My Mother would neglect me and leave me without and then have no consequences (I could see) and so now my ex leaving me “without” and then going on living his life with his new girlfriend [days after sleeping with me- claiming he loved me and would do anything to make me happy], with every video game he could want, a partner tolerant of his alcohol and drug abuse, lots of kids in the house to give him attention, her providing for him etc.. It’s made me feel really annoyed and frustrated. It feels like I don’t matter. As if people can treat me horribly and then trot off on their merry way. Deep down I know that’s not true but I find myself wanting proof it isn’t.