Breaking up with a narcissist isn’t like ending a normal relationship.
It’s tumultuous.
It’s devastating and it can even be dangerous.
Why? Because, at the narcissist’s last stand, he or she will try to inflict maximum confusion, pain and punishment.
One thing is for sure, the narcissist will usually try to one-up you and severely affect your ability to move on healthily.
Also, he or she will try to maintain the False Self. What does this mean? It means he or she will want to come out of this looking like “the good one”, while you appear to be “the bad and crazy one.” You will be smeared and discredited and baited to make you look horrible and abusive.
Additionally, the narcissist will not say “I’m sorry it didn’t work out, let’s support each other and part amicably.” Rather, you will find your bank accounts cleaned out, your stuff is missing or you are blocked from accessing it, and anything and everyone that is dear to you may be under serious threat, or become compromised against you with the narcissist’s lies.
This is why I want to help you understand the 10 ways to prepare for the end of the relationship.
Really, I could have called this the 10 ways to PROTECT yourself at the end of the relationship – because as far as the narcissist is concerned, once it’s “over” you are firmly declared as the enemy.
Okay let’s look carefully at this, at the 10 most important ways to prepare. Please know this relates to ANY NASTY narcissist in your life that you are leaving.
Number 1: Realise Who You Are Dealing With
This is not a person who has the capacity for fairness or compassion. Do NOT try to work things out kindly, nicely or make a deal. If you give an inch the narcissist will take a mile (and more).
I know you have a conscience and want to do the right thing, and announce that the relationship is finished and work out how to separate. If you do this (as many of us painfully learnt) you are handing the narcissist the bullets to screw with you.
He or she may hoover you with false promises to get you to change your mind, or start manipulating, threatening and even commit criminal acts to punish you mercilessly. Or they will make it seem impossible for you to leave, so that they keep you attached where they can control and continue to hurt you.
ACCEPT that to get through this as healthily as possible, you have to think like the enemy. Which means you have to hide what you are up to. You have to be cunning about this.
Number 2: Make Plans
If you have a dependency or bind to the narcissist, it’s so much harder to leave. Narcissists love to keep you dependent (controlled). If this is the case and the narcissist ends up ending the relationship by discarding you, then you will feel incredibly precarious, unsafe and unable to support yourself.
Start putting away money where he or she can’t find it. Have a meeting with a lawyer or financial advisor if you need to. Make plans about where you can go if the narcissist won’t leave (many of them don’t) and who can be your support network.
Start working out how you to get your stuff out and away without the narcissist knowing. Assume whatever you leave behind will be used against you.
Don’t let the shackles of guilt stop you. You are not responsible for the narcissist – you are responsible for yourself and your own Soul.
Number 3: Be Careful Who You Speak To
Narcissists are experts at infiltrating your life and the lives of those who are close to you. If you have people in your life who still think he or she is a great person, then this is not someone you can confide in or rely on for support. Make sure they know not to tell anyone that you are leaving, in case it gets back to the narcissist.
In our wonderful NARP Community Forum, over the years, we have been able to be a support group to people leaving narcissists and assist them with the necessary process, which we deeply understand.
Number 4: Don’t Tell The Narcissist You Are Going, And Plan Your Departure
If you are truthful with yourself, you know how this person can behave. If they pathologically lie, can be malicious, name call, threaten and are jealous, abusive and unreasonable then I would recommend under NO circumstances tell this person you are leaving.
There is every chance with this type of narcissist that you will have to be the one who physically leaves. They often won’t leave even if it is your home and is in your name.
Do whatever it takes to make sure they are away when you move your stuff out. Make sure you have bank accounts and money secured. Ensure you have boundaries that have removed or shut the narcissist out from everything that you wish to protect, as much as you possibly can. Yes, if you have children, this is going to be another battle (we will get to that soon).
You don’t need to tell this person you have gone. Any contact with a malicious narcissist grants them an opportunity to confuse, manipulate and abuse you.
Your ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS and leaving is all that is necessary.
Number 5: Block All Contact And Set Up Third Party Channels (Only If Necessary)
If you don’t have any ties to the narcissist such as children, property, businesses or finances, then determinedly block all contact channels. Make sure you have also blocked yourself from being able to check up on their social media.
If you need to maintain correspondence for financial or custody matters then set up a third party to communicate where all correspondence can be recorded and available for later use if necessary. The more detached and non-emotional this communication channel is, the better.
Any replies you need to make through that channel must be kept emotionless and to a minimum. Answers such as, “This is what I will accept” or “This is what I won’t accept” are appropriate.
Any direct communication you have will delay your healing process and make you susceptible to mind-bending manipulation and abuse. This is why it should be avoided at all costs.
Number 6: Work On Releasing Your Emotional Ties
I know it’s hard to be done with a narcissist. It took me many times to finally let go (actually I couldn’t until I worked on myself with NARP). I know you may secretly have hope he or she will change. You feel like you still love this person, and also when you leave, the despair, heartbreak and absolute soul-crushing devastation can be worse than anything you could imagine.
You may be tempted to break No Contact for many reasons, including wanting to get accountability. It may feel excruciatingly difficult not to accept contact if the narcissist reaches out to you.
Most people go back, or try to get back with the narcissist if they have been discarded.
If you do get back together – please heed my words.
It … gets … worse.
Much worse.
Ten times worse.
The narcissist will punish you so much more now. How dare you try to leave?
Vitally, this is the time to turn inwards to heal yourself. Determinedly. As if your life depends on it – because in many ways it does.
My NARP Program has helped more people than you could imagine get out, stay out and never go back. It’s how I FINALLY could detach, heal, move forward and never even want to go back.
It could help you in the same way too.
NARP does this by dissolving your emotional anguish and ties with this person and resetting you into the anchored personal power you need to keep moving forward.
Number 7: Be Kind To Yourself
This is not the time to just “dust yourself off and get on with it.” I know you may have lost a lot of money, years and expended love on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Don’t be hard on yourself and go overboard trying to replace money, possessions or a lost relationship right now.
Rather, this is the time for you to devotedly self-partner, love and heal YOU.
It’s not important what you do or don’t have. What is important is honouring your Soul, healing and recovering.
Take the time you need for that.
Number 8: Face And Actualise The Separation
A big part of your healing is establishing boundaries, and your personal freedom. Your goal is to separate your life and Soul as much as you possibly can from this person.
The standard truth about narcissistic relationships is this – when connected to them you lose. This creates disintegration in every area of your life – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially.
You will start regaining your Life Force and prosperity by separating, reclaiming your Life Force, healing yourself and making space for the good stuff to come in. Sometimes you have to go backwards to break free so that you can then start going forwards.
It is my highest recommendation to start proceedings for settlements and joint parenting agreements with firm boundaries, as soon as you feel able to. These steps are not easy, yet each one brings you closer to your freedom and abuse-free life.
The more you keep healing and releasing traumas that arise within you, the more powerfully you will step into solution, support and ultimately, positive results. You will discover that when a narcissist no longer has power over you and you are no longer affected by them and can just be YOUR truth and enforce your rights – they often capitulate, agree to settle and get out of your life.
Number 9: Anchor Into The Mission of The Relationship With Yourself
Before, during and after separating with a narcissist accept it is much healthier to go on a relationship fast. This is not a bad thing – in fact, it’s a beautiful thing.
I have seen far too many people get involved with new love interests way too soon and end up with another narcissistic or damaged person and get exposed to all sorts of trauma all over again.
This can be one of the most sacred and special times of your life, truly self-partnering and falling in love with yourself, your life, your growth and the new trajectories that you can now access as a result of deeply working on yourself.
I promise you this – if you take the time to mate your own Soul, one day you will have a blessed Soul Mate as your beloved in your life.
Number 10: Work On Your Values, Life, Truth And Freedom
I am a big advocate for healing and expanding, regardless of the limitations you have in your life.
You may not have custody or your parenting plan defined yet. You may not have settlement with your property. You may even have pending court cases.
Source and life work like this – if you take a step, you are granted another two.
Of course, you may need to spend a great deal of time releasing and reprogramming your trauma, as your first point of call. Yet after “space” starts to open up within you, you are free to use that productively. Start studying that passion you have. Move to another home if that is what you wish to do. Start exercise and diet changes or whatever your heart starts singing out for.
Your mission for you and your children is for YOU to heal and be fulfilled and happy and calm.
If you are co-parenting, seek out parallel parenting (as a combination with NARP this is the most effective co-parenting combination I know of) and lead your children with inspiration, growth and empowerment.
Conclusion
I really hope this has helped you understand how to get prepared for the tsunami of emotions and challenges that breaking up with a narcissist will bring.
This is arguably one of the most challenging processes you could ever go through, yet once you survive and Thrive after this, you will see how “the world will be your oyster.”
Truly, the gates will be opened to your personal heaven after getting through this hell in an empowered and Thriver way.
For more information regarding my number 1 resource to survive and then Thrive before, through and beyond breaking up with a narcissist, please check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Sending you clarity sanity and powerful healing.
Hello- I have done many of these things and have always had an improvement in my situation when I do. I am in the last year and a half of coparenting. I wonder why some are able to win custody and I haven’t been successful. It’s an ego thing I guess. My recovery has been a little up and down and that has granted the N ammunition. The N also doesn’t often slip up and not yet with anything big enough to change custody. When he does slip up, he also finds a way to have the legal professionals changed and I have to start over explaining the situation. I have court this week and I want it to help me but there is so much I can’t control.
I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle.
Hi Mona,
my heart goes out to you, its wonderful you have done really well, and absolutely high-conflict personalities can be horrible in court.
Are you working with Gold NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and reaching out in the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?
That is my greatest suggestion to deeply investiagte and get guidance regarding how you may get there.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks Melanie! I missed the video along with this post and I hope that you are well. Even after over a year since leaving, these points hit home. I guess I was “lucky” when I was moving out, he played the nice guy. Of course he was hoovering within days and I got the ‘you are the one’ after 9 months of no contact. (I had blocked him on my phone and he actually sent me an email!). Even though I didn’t meet up with him or go back, I did respond with a long email and a ‘no’ but I feel like it pulled me back in it… Even now, I KNOW that a relationship with him is 100% unhealthy for me, but there’s still this little bit of cognitive dissonance left that says “but I LOVE him..” Grr! So frustrating!! Who I ‘loved’ never existed. SO thankful for Mel, NARP, and her regular posts to remind me of what really happened and to never go back. XOXO
Hi Melissa,
yes I am well sweetheart and I am sending much love to you!
Okay … I would love you to come into the NARP member’s forum and get some guidance and support with how to tackle that pesky inner trigger!
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
You can break through it!
Mel 🙏💕💚
If only information of this caliber had been available to me in 2000, when I left a raging, abusive narcissist and his overly enmeshed, highly dysfunctional family! I had NO idea of the atomic bomb that was about to go off in my life! I found out about all of what Melanie describes the hard way. Having wise guidance such as this would have saved my daughter and myself years of turmoil … I left 20 years ago, and am just now feeling whole again…and my discovery of NARP truly turbocharged my healing. What Melanie offers here is totally sound, trustworthy advice…wisdom beyond its weight in gold. What a blessing.
Hi Faye,
it’s so beautiful you are healing with NARP now!
Love and blessings to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
I love that you acknowledge the challenges of doing this healing work while going thru custody related court battles. It is hard to know when defending yourself to protect your child is just playing into the manipulators game and when it is the best thing to try. Having been defeated and traumatized in court several times, in a hearing last week, I tried to conquer and release my fear and worry that I could be harmed again, as part of my NARP healing. Even though my defense was carefully written statements I just read aloud, I could tell it would have been the same disaster if I had not prepared myself emotionally just before the hearing. It is hard to explain, but suddenly the judge could hear me and everyone present seemed to realize I wasn’t just a push-over to be blamed and taken advantage of. The usual dismissiveness and tangled tornado barrage of accusation and derisive ridicule from the narc and her attorney was absent. I can feel that they have lost their edge. So grateful for your NARP program, it truly works.
Hi Doug,
Im so pleased that this resonates with you!
Im thrilled that you are using NARP for court matters and expoereincing its power and magic.
Bravo and sending you many more powerful breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks the Melanie and team.
I can see that I am not alone. My situation is so draining that it is hard to get out of this abusive husband.
But I pray that one day, I will surely be free from further trauma from him.
I love the advice and experience shared on this group. It gives me courage that I will once be the kind of person I used to be.
Blessed day
Patience
Melanie:
Hope you are doing well! With COVID unable to get out at this time…the attacks are continuing. My mind goes back constantly to “we can work this out”, but I know it is impossible. Working through NARP. Thank you for your support. Dreading the final fallout!
Hi Broken,
Thank you yes I am doing well and sending much love to you.
Please stay strong and keep healing with NARP.
You are so worth your own recovery.
Mel 🙏💕💚
My husband has something. Sounds like NPD from what I’ve read. It took me researching a lot to figure out no, he doesn’t have a brain tumor.. but has been gaslighting & blame shifting. It was bad enough his rage & yelling. But when he would tell me I was the one always yelling at HIM?? I have felt so crazy. He shocked me w divorce papers after a couple months of me not letting him pull me into a fight. Then he suddenly wanted to do counseling. He let his mask off. Told them he wasn’t going to work on our marriage. I have no good qualities & am not worth the work. I guess he was “breadcrumbing” to draw me back in just enough. So he could be so cold & cruel once again. He married me 4 mo after his divorce & has a trail of victims in his life. But he takes no accountability. I have 3 kids. He is so good to my youngest & has raised her. And I want to make it work still bc her heart will be broken. But I’m trying to rem that her seeing her momma abused is not a good life either. My husband doesn’t act like my ex husband who was also narcissistic. My ex would beg me back & make promises of how he would change. All while having multiple girlfriends. My current husband has always told me he doesn’t love me. He’s never asked me to stay. But when I start to move on, he will be very affectionate w me & sweet. Never w words.. Does that sound like npd still? Joined my old church & he is so mad at me. It is so nice to realize everyone doesn’t hate me like he made me think for so long. And to have friends finally. Now to find a way to make money & get out.. emotionally as well…
Hi Jessica,
I am so sorry that you are suffering from the confusion and the trauma of this.
Please google my name plus “Am I with a narcissist?” so that you can get more specific details about what you may be experiencing.
After doing this, I’d love you to consider my 16-day free course http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse which can help you a great deal with what you are dealing with.
Sending you love, support and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have been following you very carefully and listen to what you say, and it does calm me down and make me feel sane! I am down the track, though it was only a few months ago that it was brought to light that I had been, betrayed, deceived, lied to, not only by my partner of 35 years, but by my very best friend too. I was only told because her husband set up a camera and was going to let me know. Since then I have had 3 panic attacks, and near breakdown, and I can see how easy it is to just swallow all the pills and not to wake up dealing with the unbelievable stuff that was thrown at me, but I have children, even though they are adults, I just couldnt do it to them, but I know how easy it is just to open your mouth, swallow the pills with water, easy. Anyway, I have such a long story that I could write a book, and am doing my best to recover and leave with dignity, he doesn’t know my plans, I feel that I can only trust a couple of people, feel insecure away from home, spend days alone, thinking, but I come from a long line of strong women, and I will get through this. Unfortunately he has cut my funds off, so I am on a very tight budget so I cant afford your workshops, but I so appreciate what you put out and is accessible, you are one very good kind woman, and thank you X
Hi Pamela,
I’m really pleased that I can help you.
Big hugs and please know you can and will recover from this. Be kind to you and accept the support from those who want to help.
I’d love you to connect to my free 16 Day Course. There are lots of free resources in there which will hope grant you clarity, relief and strength.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie!
Thank you for this! I sure wish I knew all these things a while back! But, thanks to your wonderful program and NARP I am learning and I am so grateful! My deepest gratitude to you!
Peter@44 ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
it’s my pleasure.
I love that you are doing so well!
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi there; I am Agnes from Africa. Have been married for 30+ years. There’s nothing I would love more than to just wake up & leave; but go where?? I don’t work & I need for my daughter to finish up her degree which will take 5 years. Furthermore; she is a private student. The horrors I have gone through!!! The isolation; gas lighting. I never knew the devil existed until 20 years into my marriage.
I started having my spiritual awakening in late 2018- growing into my true self, speaking my truth with so move self love. I started working on my mindset and shifting my perception to ”This isn’t happening to me, but FOR ME and my pain is my purpose.” Finding love peace and happiness from within and not outside of me. I started to love me and trust my intuition and learn how to follow it. When I started trusting my intution- I realized I was being abused and that I had severe childhood trauma. I just wasn’t awakened and had no idea I was being abused. I wanted to go No contact before because this was my chance to LIVE MY BEST LIFE—-but the abuse with my narcissitic mother got so worse that I’ve lost my self love and Identity. I didn’t leave sooner because the phycological abuse wasn’t so bad as she would gaslight here and then and I didn’t fully understand nor believe myself because of the chronic self doubt. Then I realized I became addicited because I would only believe myself when she would abuse me by gaslighting me or being verbally abusive- so instead of writing down the incidents- I would need more abuse to believe myself be cause of my self doubt even though I had the intuition and still do that I need to let her go. Before then- I wasn’t addicited and my love, security and happiness came from within that all I needed was myself and that was it- I didn’t need anyone to fufill me or complete it because even though I lived with her- I started building myself and working on my limited beliefs which caused me an idenity loss because even though I had a understanding of Covert Narcissism which is what my mom is, I understood the cycle but I didn’t know that it created an addiction if you stayed longer and I’ve lost myself. I have so much fear in my body, I can’t get grounded and connected to mother earth n o matter what i try——I have lower back pain. I have moments where I have intense love for her because I don’t want to lose her.
I can write a list of everything but only going to give just a few recents or the list would be long.
1.she has called the police on me because I don’t clean enough and she brought them into my bedroom as I was in my PJS and I woke up an hour before this happened.
2. She told my sisters dog to bite me over and over as she was walking the dog(the puppy didn’t bite me..)
3. She critized my leggings because they had a rip and asked me how can I wear them ripped if men are going to beep at me- I stood up for myself- and sat a boundary asking to not be critized. She said she wasn’t. (gaslighting.) I walked away angry and walked up to her and told her that if she continues to mistreat me- I’m cutting her off—- I went outside, she came outside with her phone camera and told me she was going to take pictures of me to send it to my sisters- I removed myself- she followed me around the house and took pictures of me outside while smiling—-she then says “Your thighs are so big and beautiful, complementing my body” (lovebombing) while taking pictures of me and I went for a walk—I came back inside- she criticized my sneakers by saying they were dirty and then told me “But I’m not criticizing you.” and I went into my room in tears feeling dizzy because I wanted to commit suicide.
4. Triangulation happened when I invited someone to check my car for an oil change If I can remember (mobile car mechanic) She told my dad I wasn’t wearing a mask after I told her I wasn’t going to wear one because I felt safe standing 6 feet away and the guy was wearing a mask, the mechanic was- I said no-she involed my dad- I was so filled with rage that I called him a child- He called me a stupid bitch—-I stood up for myself and he almost got physical with me that I had to run to the other side of the house to protect myself but my father stopped himself-which tells me he has awareness. I was angry- the police came and didn’t understand and it was my fault—-I spoke my truth to my mom and she said he wasn’t going to get physcial with me. (gaslighting) my dad also denied about getting physical with me and he recorded me with his cell phone and made fun of me.
5. My mom called me crazy and has told me I need to go see a physiologist and so has my dad because I’m crazy as they said—— and my mother then says “Don’t call her crazy to my dad” and says outloud to where I can hear it” She’s my daughter and I love her.”
Ever since #5 happened- I have intense love sometimes.
I was putting things in my car yesterday because I’m planning to move and I started to feel intense love flushing through me out of no where yet she only detroys me. I’ve never felt this way before and I’ve hit rock bottom because I don’t want to even move anymore or even leave her yet cut her off but I have to and I know this because boundaries aren’t honored- I’ve tried 10000000 times- it’s alll about control and power and I’ve noticed that standing in my power -she doesn’t like because the moment I stand in my power- she gaslights me so boundaries don’t work. I’m trying to force myself to do this but I’ve noticed that the adult part of me the wise teacher- the mother within is the one who knows best- yet the part of me that is rock bottom and aka my inner child- doesn’t want to leave because I have so much fear and anxiety and I’ve noticed my nervous system has become addicited- it’s like a drug. WHAT DO I DO? Just forcing myself to leave- I don’t want to cut her off YET I KNOW this isn’t healthy. It doesn’t accure that I’m trauma bonded until I started realizing my true self leaving and needed a close bond because I feel so bounded aka trauma bonded
WHAT DO I DO? The real me- the wounded me doesn’t want to let go- the mother within- the wise one within- the adult within is forcing me- it’s almost like I have to seperate from my wounded self to DO THIS but I’m so scared of leaving and losing her because the reilef in seeing her is much better and the fear of losing her is traumatic because trauma bonded. Am I crazy? Can I trust myself?
what do I do? No matter how bad the abuse gets- I don’t want to leave her.
Hi Lorraine,
please know you are not crazy – mother wounds are huge.
You are trauma bonded Dear Lady.
Please know my resources can help you so much! Have you heard of NARP, it is my number one recommendation to help you heal and get your soul back http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope that this helps and sending you much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I left my husband after 1.5 yrs of marriage.I just could not take his abuse anymore.It was physical,mental and always emotional.I never knew the word narcissist existed until I married him.I did everything and anything for him because I love him.He would gaslight me often.usexmy my mistakes and failures I life became his ammo.I could not say anything anymore.I was told I better be afraid.I was told it was his prison.I was under his control allthewhile he’d accuse me of things he was doing…such as chatting with other women he had only on messenger.Hed flip the screen very quickly whenever I entered back into the room.I been married before but only to liars.This was a horrid experience .I spent numerous hours and money helping him fix up his home as it was our home….were making it better for us…..but I somehow knew my name was never going on any deed….and sometimes he’d make me aware when someone upset him….its my home!He had rages and trashed rooms,called me all manner of ill names,caused me many tears but never even hugged me or acted sorry.He really had no remorse for his actions or the way he treated someone who truly loved him.I could never please Him.He had put his hands on my face and smothered my breathing,and choked me….and always threaten me.I felt so hurt inside.My feelings didn’t build bridges.I learned I couldn’t let him see my tears.And if he was quiet I knew more abuse was coming.Yes he always gaslighted me,lovebombed,.So I cried to God.I was isolated.My family lived 600 miles away.No friends where we lived.He was sure to tell me “no-one will believe you.” he thrived on his fake lifelong reputation….ex military….niceguy….Godly…..I felt sorry for the soul of his deceased lovely wife of over 30 yrs…what she endured…cause I knew this behavior wasn’t new….not in one over 50’s.I was called acrazy b.A mentalcase…..By time I left I felt empty inside,devoid of life,not lovable,etc.I knew I had to leave and count all losses .Only gains was knowing I did love him…and take any good and bad and learn what I can.I did get several emails ….all the “stuff”they do….I went no contact.He attacked my son’s Facebook who is mildly retarded and try.d to get all the people of color to come after him. The n word.And nasty posts to men and women….I reported it to FB.He also sent a letter to my oldest saying vile things about my son and me…..slander and lies.I never knew such evil until I looked into its eyes everyday.I had already spent years recovering from childhood abuse.I am a honest loving person.I been doing counseling with someone who specializes in narcissist behaviors.They cannot love and they make life a living he’ll on earth.And true when you leave they want you to suffer.They cannot stand to lose control.He controlled my every move….He didn’t even work anymore….so when and how did I commit “these false realty acts of his”…i could not even breathe fresh air without him.I am moving on.I have peace in my life.Nomatter cause I know God has my back.I don’t do evil to others and call myself Godly.I actually was very broken and hurt when I left but now I pray for his family.I seen him behave badly to them too.He loves control.I was supposed to “make my son’s afraid of me”.And with his he’d say “i’ll get my respect!” They want control of everyone in their life except for outsiders. Where they must maintain their “shiny appeal”.Thank God He always loves me!Healing is a journey …it takes work.I often have to positively redirect my thoughts.They prey on weak and vulnerable people….sometimes going through a very dark hour in life.Thank you Melanie for helping people survive and thrive.God bless you.
Hi Elizabeth,
You are welcome and I hope you can find clarity and healing with my resources.
Sending you love, strength and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
When I read your story I felt like I was reading my past. It’s awful to have family members pull the crazy card when you, A). Just need your own space.
B). Should be able to express yourself especially in a creative way. Ex: dressing.
C). You didn’t give an age range but I felt like I wanted to run many times. Your are not crazy. It’s normal to run from environments that make you feel unsafe or disrespected. In fact sometimes it will actually save you too.
Be safe first!
I think that you know the answer. We have to learn radical acceptance as well as be radically honest with ourselves about the people we love that abuse us.
From personal experience…. You must gray rock and work on moving out of her nest and into your own space where you can enforce your boundaries and not be subjected to abuse on a daily basis.
Just moving out alone will empower you immensely and help you to focus on the healing and self care thats absolutely necessary to survive.
You know your trauma bonded. What you are explaining is a part of being trauma bonded, unfortunately. You need to keep in mind that breaking trauma bonds is literally harder than getting off heroin for most folks. Its is an actual addiction… Caused by the narc and the extreme highs and lows you have endured your whole life.
Breaking these bonds and overcoming this will be the hardest thing you will do thus far and possibly ever… But if you do it… You will come out of this as the best version of you. You will be stronger, smarter, able to survive anything life throws at you and ready to finally embrace and live a healthy, happy, drama free life! It’s worth every damned second to me and it will be for you too… But you have to do the work. There’s no other way.
Learn all about their tactics and how to deal with them in ways that give them the least amount of supply. “Respond don’t react” is an awesome tactic but not easy to implement fully without dedicated awareness of SELF (gray rock is fantastic in these situations though).
Put all your focus into working on all the baggage you have that keeps you down. Work on building your emotional intelligence, do daily affirmations to build up your self esteem and reverse all the self doubt and brainwashing, practice mindfulness, meditate, make art, go for walks in nature, one of the most important things you need to do imho is write in a journal (which can be a locked one on your phone or tablet etc for privacy) about everything you experience/d and ultimately, you got to become the best friend/mother/father to yourself that you need/ed and obviously never truly had growing up. You must heal your traumas so you can thrive as a whole, stable, healthy person. Doing that will require lots of changes and self reflection and you will come to enjoy it all.
You must learn all you can to come out on top. If money is tight you can get all the best books free. If you aren’t much of a book person, you can download the “libby” or “overdrive” apps and use your local library card to get audiobooks on your phone for free. Then listen whenever you can… helps tune the drama out too. I do it daily and im smarter, stronger and more equipped to handle any topic I want with every passing day.
If you prefer to read or want to do some excellent workbooks to help you work through the issues arising from this… I’d look up an app called “pdfdrive” and search for narcissistic abuse recovery books and workbooks, gaslighting recovery workbook, codependency and some inner child healing books. You can download many free here.
Definitely sign up for the email newsletter, youtube channels of Melanie, sam valkin, dr. Rashida, narc survivor, covert narc channel, mental healness, etc. They are amazing resources that are constantly adding new info.
Most importantly, make sure you join a few groups for narc abuse survivors so you have fellow thrivers to talk to. People don’t understand unless they experience it themselves and you need validation right now… Not more invalidation. Facebook has a bunch. There are also apps you can download that can help you track your moods, experiences, no contact regiment, etc…
There are apps for peer/therapy support too. Either by humans or by AI. Depends on your preference. One of my favs is 7 cups but there’s a good range of other awesome, free resources available beyond that as well. Since you mentioned finances, I figured you could use these, as I do. They really have been awesome.
Remember you are not alone. Forgive yourself when you slip up because you will. We are human. Imagine yourself happy, healthy and thriving after you have overcome this and when you struggle…. Visualize that. It helps to visualize where we want to be to keep us focused and motivated when the going gets tough (and before the tough get going)!
We believe in you and stand with you, in solidarity, fellow warrior! You can do this! This will be the beginning of the rest of your life and before you know it… You will be on the other side of this, happy, healthy and thriving!
Sending lots of love and light to you, fellow warrior!
Every single aspect —— Spot on ❤️
Hi Mel,
I have been following you for sometime now and have been a NARP member probably for two years. My partner moved into my home 5 years ago. Many things have happened between them and now and it took me a few years to start figuring what was happening. Covid hit making things that much worse. Two years ago after one of so many incidents I told him to leave. He started looking for a house and at the same time hoping it would be “our” house. I never would have moved or sold my house and be under his total “control.” Anyway I still had hope and since then the relationship deteriorated even more, daily arguments over the stupidest things, his nit picking, blaming, etc and wondering why we don’t have sex. I realized some time ago that with his ex wife that sex was a form of control as he paid the bills and out a roof over the family’s head. She complied to keep the peace. I could never do that.
Fast forward, another lack of disclosure was found and the last straw, he is looking for a house in a difficult market. I am trying to be supportive and interested to help it all move forward.
I am sad because all the while I kept hoping things would work out, they were just getting worse. I kept telling myself this was happening for me to learn important things about me. I think the lesson was maintain my personal boundaries and don’t hang on to a bad situation hoping he’s gonna snap into being a normal person.
I read this blog and fear the days ahead. The stress, the arguments etc because he doesn’t want this. I tell him I think he will be much happier as king of his own castle and that he will be happier with a younger woman. At the same time I am mourning all the hopes and wishes that were never possible.
Today I feel very sad. I don’t want him to see me this way so I will have to pull it together soon. But I also don’t want to deny my feelings and these are the steps I must take to get to the other side.
I am sending out blessings to the universe for me and all the other people finding their way out of chaos to find peace and joy.
Hi Lori,
absolutely it is painful and sad.
But yet dear lady, this way this is an end and then the rebirth into a true and beautiful life for you.
They don’t change, but by letting go and healing you – everything will change for you.
Sending you love and hugs in these painful and challenging times.
NARP is there for you, and its so time to go back to Modules as your best friend. You have got this!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Which is exactly what you should do to a narcissist after years of putting up with their lying, cheating, and out of bounds behaviors. You don’t need teeth to suck on a beer bottle forever.