Today, I want to have this important conversation with you regarding the 8 main character traits that narcissists look for in their victims. I really want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that a narcissist can’t just target anybody. I know there are people out there who say this is true, but it isn’t.
Pathological narcissists know what to look for in their victims. They know how to size people up, and like a predator in the wild, they target somebody with the most “meat” who isn’t going to take a lot of energy to snare, capture and take down. For a predator, this is important – to make sure precious energy isn’t expended beyond the energy payout of the meal.
What is the payout to a narcissist? It’s narcissistic supply. Narcissists need to work out who to target and enmesh with quickly in order to start securing and regulating the energy and Life Force from another required to feed their False Self who doesn’t have the ability to have its own source of energy.
So, with that being said, I would love to share with you the 8 main character traits, in my humble opinion, that I believe narcissists look out for in their victims. I want to start off with the really obvious ones that most of us know about, leading to the ones which will take you to a powerful inner truth, about what it is that you can heal and shore up within yourself to ensure that you will never be on a narcissist’s hit list again.
Please note these following traits relate to any person susceptible to a narcissist on the hunt for narcissistic supply – such as a potential love partner, accommodating family member, potential business associate, new friendship, client, student, neighbour … you name it.
Number One – A Generous Nature
Narcissists are in the business of taking energy, Life Force, resources and lots of miscellaneous stuff from others, even though initially they may appear as one of the nicest, most generous and caring people that you could ever meet.
Yet, they are sizing you up. They observe what your levels of gratitude are. Are you a nice person? Are you someone who has trouble receiving and wants to reciprocate readily? Do you give generously to others, even at the expense of yourself?
These are all very important matters for a narcissist, because absolutely and utterly if they capture you as narcissistic supply and start feeding off your Life Force you will be giving out a lot – favouring the narcissist at your own expense.
As we work through this article, I hope that you will realise that this beautiful super-trait that you have of being generous, even though it is capitalised on by a narcissist, in no way means that you will be susceptible to a narcissist. Yes, they look for it, but it’s not the defining reason why you will get taken in by one.
I hope that this is good news for you, that you can continue to be a warm-hearted generous person and not be afraid of narcissists. Read on, and you will discover how and why!
Number Two – A Trusting Nature
The next of the 8 character traits that a narcissist looks out for in their victims is not as desirable! You may wish to be a trusting person, because you want to believe that other people have the decent, honest nature that you do. Yet, I can’t say to you enough that the most effective way to be safe, empowered and have TRUSTWORTHY relationships, is to trust yourself.
This is something that I desperately needed to heal and learn myself!
Virtually everybody who first encountered a narcissist had an intuitive feeling that something wasn’t right, or at the very least not long into the encounter/relationship had uneasy feelings that really required questioning.
Maybe we had an idealistic belief that everybody just “is” or “should be” a good person, just like we are.
Maybe we felt uncomfortable and squirmy about having a difficult conversation questioning somebody else’s motives or behaviour.
Maybe, we were too busy (or lazy) to take time to do our due diligence or investigate, or ask for credentials, before committing to a business deal, or some other form of relationship that could leave us vulnerable if this person didn’t have good intentions.
Maybe we were feeling too empty, needy and emotionally enthralled to use sensibility and get to know this person’s character before opening up our body, bed, home and Soul to them.
All of this equates to being too trusting.
I promise you this (just as I fortunately discovered) when you start growing up as a result of healing your Inner Being, and take responsibility for being the generative experience of your own life born out of your choices, you can start to realise that it is not adult or healthy to just blindly trust people.
In fact, if we do, we pay a terrible price!
If we do (as I used to always do!) it’s because of an undeveloped “self”, unhealed trauma, causing us to be “a wounded child within” who has not become an adult taking proper care of ourselves.
If we don’t do the Inner Work, and just continue to be a victim, banging on about other people’s bad intentions, without taking responsibility to keep ourselves safe, healthy and on solid ground by showing up in honesty and with healthy boundaries – we are missing the point.
Narcissists used to love me, because, truly, I used to do all of these “maybe’s” I previously mentioned.
As a result of much needed inner Thriver Healing, no longer do I play Russian roulette with important aspects of my life.
I take my time. I listen to my Inner Being. I ask the difficult questions when necessary, and do the investigative research. I wait and see what people’s character and values are before letting them into the inner sanctum of my life. And, if things aren’t aligning with my values and truth once a relationship commences, I confront the issues and have the honest conversations.
Why?
Because never again will I bypass all of these adult necessities to enable a predator to infiltrate and rip my life, Soul and those and what is precious to me to pieces ever again.
Is this a terrible price to pay? Healing enough to show up in adult ways, rather than just believing “other people should do the right thing?”
Not at all! Rather, this “growing up” has allowed me more success, positive progress in my life and happiness than I could ever imagine!
And I know it will do the same for you.
Number Three – High Integrity And Work Ethic
Narcissists love other people doing the heavy lifting. This enables a narcissist to live their life like a loose cannon, grabbing narcissistic supply whilst leaving the “boring necessities of life” to be mopped up by you.
Things like paying the narcissist’s fines. Keeping the fires burning, the roof over everyone’s heads and the food on the table. Or maybe, you are just expected to be home, for whatever reason looking after the children, creating an image of a “happy family” whilst the narcissist is doing whatever the narcissist is doing out there in the world.
Within a business, family or friendship the narcissist may leave everything mundane, difficult, or which costs time, effort or money to you – shirking their share of responsibility.
For most narcissists playing “team” makes them feel like they are just like everybody else – inferior and normal (which are disgusting realities for a narcissist).
Another one of your super-traits that a narcissist will look out for, is that you are responsible, hard-working and like to “do the right thing”. This means that you will take responsibility for the narcissist’s messes, which they don’t want to take responsibility for. This enables the narcissist to be able to have a somewhat secure life, whilst they enjoy the drama and the mayhem of being a narcissist.
Again, I don’t want you to think that this trait is not a great one to have! It is! However, what most of us who’ve been with narcissists need to heal and learn is to stop taking responsibility for people’s lives who refuse to take responsibility for themselves.
And, after extracting yourself from the clutches of a narcissist and all of the enmeshment that you have with them in a love, financial, business and real-life sense, not combining with people like this again, until you know the reliability and truths of their character and their application in real life affairs.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is about detaching and allowing other people to suffer the consequences of their own behaviour, even if it means that it’s going to affect you as well. Because in the long run, the more that you try to hold the house of cards up with your efforts, the more the narcissistic destruction occurs with your Life Force, resources and Soul being sucked dry.
It’s best to get off the ship, regardless of the losses, before it sinks completely and takes you down with it.
At some point you need to quit holding things up, detach, let them fall and extract what you can to save yourself, heal and rebuild your life out of this mess.
Number Four – Your Still Existing Hurt
Narcissists infiltrate your life by finding out what it is that has hurt you, and professing to be the saviour of it. They know that this creates an instant trust and bonding with them. In fact, it creates a powerful bonding, not unlike feeling like a person in a desert who has just discovered an oasis to save their life.
Many years ago, a narcissist wrote in an email admitting (bragging really) how easy it was for them to get somebody to fall in love with them immediately. They said they would ask a person how the last relationship went, find out what was still hurting them, look them in the eyes, pretend to be caring and genuine and tell them they don’t think like that and would never do that themselves, and then this person would be eating out of their palm.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the real-life evidence of this happen to people who have been instantly caught up in narcissistic relationships.
It happened to me too!
Narcissists do this to people in business, friendships and all sorts of relationships, not just love relationships. It’s a simple formula – discover what is missing and then profess to be the saviour of it.
What does this mean when we are targeted in this way? It means that we have a limp, like a wounded gazelle, about to be pounced on by a predator.
What is your protection from this?
Not having a limp!
This is why I so strongly suggest for anybody, just as I needed to do with myself, to face your inner trauma and unhealed wounds and heal them up to a solid completion, so that you have become your own saviour and become a solid “self”.
Then you are not offering yourself up on a silver platter with those unhealed aspects of yourself that a predator can capitalise on.
Please know this – no one is the saviour of your wounds. As an adult that is between you and Source and your own Inner Being. People don’t come into our lives to rescue us, they come in as the match for the existing composition of our Inner Being.
If you are still carrying the hurts of your previous relationships, then your new relationships are likely to match and be that exact frequency. That’s what narcissists look for, and what they deliver.
Thank goodness there are REAL and powerful solutions to this! Myself and so many people are the poster children of those who were once SO susceptible to narcissists, who now are not at all.
You can make this evolution leap as well!
Number Five – Weak Boundaries
Many, many people who were taken in by narcissistic abuse had the fear of C.R.A.P. (criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment). When something was triggered inside us – letting us know that something wasn’t right – we didn’t speak up because we feared doing so.
And then maybe when we did, we did so ineffectively because we didn’t know how to lay boundaries which could be enforced.
Narcissists avoid people with good boundary function. People who speak up, confront and are not scared by what someone else will or won’t do as a result of them being true to themselves are NOT on a narcissist’s snack list.
A narcissist can’t manoeuvre them, guilt them out of boundaries, manipulate them with charm, or threaten them with disapproval or abandonment.
A narcissist will push boundaries very quickly to test what he or she can get away with. It may be in a conversation where they let “slip” some of their loose behaviour. Or it could be in their treatment of you, or others, or the inappropriateness of what they ask you for.
If you don’t put up a boundary to questionable behaviour then the narcissist will push the boundary some more.
Did you speak up? Or did you just agree? Were you your own person? Or were you the “yes” girl or guy?
This is why (as I talk about often) it is so vital for you to be healed up to the level of being a “self” who has solid boundaries. Are you prepared to have the difficult and even confrontational conversations right from the beginning if something feels “off” without the fear of someone attempting to CRAP (criticise, reject, abandon or punish) you?
Are you prepared to “lose it all to get it all”?
Please know this – if someone does not have your level of values and truth, if you are not TOTALLY willing to speak up, detach if necessary, let go and move on and know “there is much better and healthier coming to me,” then what you are choosing is what you will get.
There will be no “Okay I can handle this and address it later.” We all know how badly that turned out!
Number Six – Thirsty For Love/Attention
Instant enmeshment is the name of the game for the narcissist. They are drug addicts wanting the “high” of narcissistic supply.
Your attention, sexual energy and them being the centre of your universe may all be lofty and “incredible” romantic ideals – yet these ideals are incredibly risky, childish and unhealthy (okay I hope that was the cold bucket of water over your head that I intended you to feel!).
Narcissists love being like idealistic little kids in adult bodies, imagining that you are the best thing since poached eggs. They will tell you how you are better than all the others, ask you where you have been all their life, and how they are in love with you immediately (or something like that).
Narcissists also love bomb any existing relationships to drag people back in to use up again, and also in new relationships of all varieties, not just love entanglements.
If you are empty, depressed and unhealed, you could be extremely susceptible to this narcissistic unhealthy garbage.
I love the expression “hungry people make the worst shoppers!” Yes, they do! They put junk food in their trolly!
And, just like junk food, you could also be on a high from the rush of a narcissist’s love-bombing, but just like the sugar rush from the crap food you ingested, the big crash comes afterwards.
The pedestal that the narcissist put you on comes smashing down and then the narcissist starts stomping you mercilessly.
Why?
Because the “rush” was not real! It was not based on fundamental core values, a decent character and time to build a healthy interpersonal relationship, just like the sugary food held no real nutritional value!
Your inner healing and learning to heal and mate your own Soul first (especially after suffering narcissistic abuse) is vital to start connecting with real healthy Soul Mates in this lifetime.
Every relationship as an adult (without exception) starts with yourself.
Number Seven – Needing Approval
This next character trait that a narcissist looks out for in their victims is very much about what I just wrote about in Number 6, yet with even more to it.
If you are not yet healed up to be a solid “self” then someone you wish to be in love with (or have some form of important relationship with) can play on this HUGELY!
You needing approval is how this person can keep you hooked, and be able to extract and regulate narcissistic supply from you. This is why a narcissistic person looks out for this trait.
This is how it goes – you are horrified about what this person thinks about you, calls you, accuses you of and insinuates you are doing.
Narcissists do this a lot, because they project their bad thoughts, behaviours and broken malfunctioning parts onto you – accusing you of thinking, being and doing all the things they do.
If you have not as yet healed up to be a solid “self” you will stay attached. You will try to prove you are not this person! It breaks your heart and infuriates you that they think this!
You try to twist yourself into a million different shapes and jump through the ever-rising hoops to prove to them you are a good person, you are not like that and it’s actually them that is like this and not you.
Narcissists love this – they love the fact that you are now granting them copious amounts of attention that conforms with what they want to believe, “I am oh so important because I can affect another person this significantly.” (This to a narcissist is triple A grade narcissistic supply.)
How do you avoid being in this position?
Be healed up enough to be at peace with who you are and know, “What you think of me is not my business. What I think of me is my business.” Then you will recognise this as ridiculous abuse, pull away and carry on with your life, with people who do have the inner functioning ability to know and believe who you are.
Number Eight – A Desire To Change And Fix Others
When we don’t have a self, then absolutely rather than pull away to heal and change our own choices, participations and inner relationship codes, we try to fix and change other people. We try to get them to provide us with a “self” – the love, approval, security and survival that we have not as yet established between ourselves and True Source – our Higher Power / Life Force / Creation / The available healthy resources of life.
This creates intense trauma bonding. It means we will lecture and prescribe and keep clinging onto and rolling around with abusive people, often no matter how much they hurt us.
The truth is, (that you may not have faced yet – just as I had to face within myself) you feel terrified to pull away and sort out your own traumas and fears and insecurities, and feel more in control by trying to change someone else in order to try to feel whole and safe.
This is the scary and self-defeating thing about this – the more you try to control someone else’s behaviour, the more out of control you feel emotionally with your own.
If we hang out with sick people, trying to force them to be healthy, we get very, very sick.
We also discover that nothing we do works. We are in a cycle of violence where problems don’t get sorted out, there is never any real or lasting resolution and the cracks are getting deeper and the painful times much more intense.
In fact, as narcissistic abuse intensifies, the problems start to morph into terrible losses, devastation and a battle for our very Soul.
Why does it get this bad?
Because the spiritual true lesson of narcissistic abuse is that we are not meant to make it work with these people, this is all happening FOR us to let go, turn inwards and deeply heal ourselves.
In Conclusion
I hope that this article regarding the 8 character traits that a narcissist looks out for in their victims has helped you deeply understand that the most important aspect of all is for you to have a healthy and healed up “self”.
Then you have the ability to trust your gut, speak up, confront, check out and take your time with people, and not be as needy as to blindly trust without due diligence.
And, above all, TRUST and BACK yourself to walk away from people who don’t check out as having the capacity or desire to share your values and truths.
After narcissistic abuse, we certainly can turn inwards to heal ourselves and develop these attributes, in order to healthily choose the people and situations in our life that do have the capacity for honesty, kindness, support, true love and teamwork.
I’d love to help you gain your true “self”, by connecting you up to my free 2-part Masterclass, ‘How to Recover, Heal and Thrive After Being Abused By a Narcissist‘, that comes with a ton of free resources to support your healing and development.
As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below – can you relate to this article? Have you healed some of these 8 points? Which ones are you still working on?
Thank you thank you and thank you I’ve been reading all the articles you have sent. I have being working towards the healing process
It’s my pleasure Erik,
I’m so pleased that I can help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Awwww Melanie, so true, so perfect. I’m still working through it all. It gets so complicated because of the feelings and the beliefs that hold us back. That human condition. I have had so much trauma to release and am still going. But I Thank GOD for you and Source for you. Thank you for the gift ❤️
Ballagh,
big hugs you are doing great! It’s beautiful having you in the Thrive group – you are on your way!
WELL on your way!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie I have all 8 traits I was told not to change just listen to my instincts I have ignored them in the past.my mam was a narcissist my sister too,my mam came from abuse I was the scapegoated child because I was different empathic and had spiritual interests.their treatment primed me for abuse in future relationships.i don’t want to change just put my goodness in more worthy direction love Beth 💞💞💞
Hi Beth,
when you heal on the inside, and all of the traumas and false painful beliefs are reprogrammed that unconsciously were stuck in this – then I promise you that you will be a good person.
And ultimately GOOD to you – because then you will serve life and others in honourable, inspirational and effective ways.
Healing within is key! If you haven’t checked out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp I highly suggest it for your situation.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Have been learning from your experience for several years. Had been completely blind sided by this evil behaviour. Gratefully thanking you for posting, sharing your lessons. Just in time I stumbled across your YouTube site. The false relationship almost drove me insane. Previously, couldn’t figure it out. I am 80 years old.
Hi Alan,
I’m so pleased I can help, and I love your willingness to heal and grow!
At any age (and you are still young!) there is nothing else to do.
Thank you for being an inspiration
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Yes to all aspects … and is exactly what they have energetically drained
This rings so true , your article Melanie resonates loudly why I became the target if my ex , my narcissist. Before I began a relationship with him , four years ago I never knew such people existed , I now know these predators seek out people like myself that try to be good , decent and forgiving souls .
I was am easy target , just out of a marriage of almost 28 years , at the lowest point in my life and ready to place my future happiness in the hands of , what I can only describe as a monster ….I tried everything to make it work , forgiving the 5 affairs , that I knew of , supporting him financially as he lay in bed waiting for me to come home , exhausted and still a smile on my face when he expected me to keep him entertained well into the early hours of the morning and throwing in late night runs to the shops to appease him with whatever took his fancy , often ice pops , crisps and accompanied with ” im hungry ” ….consequently, I run myself into the ground trying to provide a lifestyle that he never, ever experienced before ; foreign holidays, 3 last year alone ! , 2 cars, even though he couldn’t be bothered to put the work in to get his drivers licence and the last straw should have been when he sold his ” dream car ” which I still had to pay for ……to take himself off to Amsterdam with a friend , to say I feel ashamed and used would be an understatement !
2 suicide attempts later , the last one almost successfully nearly ending my life , I started to see what others had seen all along.
How could someone that professes to love you bring you to the point of wanting to end your life ? …..he used every painful disclosure to him to punish me , my estrangement from my children, the death of my brother and father to inflict wounds in me that I dont think will ever heal …..in some ways the physical abuse doesn’t come close to the knowledge that he used me , took advantage of the gorgeous, trusting and forgiving nature I’m known for and now I feel nothing but self loathing ….part of me still loves him deeply and I know I will worry about him until I die …..
Its heartbreaking, im the only person who cared about him , loved him unconditionally but at the end of the day he didn’t value that love ….I now know , I can no longer set myself on fire just to keep him warm! ….to say I would benefit from one to one counselling would be an understatement…..someone please help this tortured, yet lovable soul ( i am of course alluding to myself )
Hi Maria,
you are a beautiful and really honest soul!
Please see my comment to Jess – those are the most powerful solutions for you.
It IS your time to heal!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
firstly, acknowledge the strength you had, to survive all the trauma. You have an abundance of strength and love. Now turn that strength and love onto yourself and your healing journey.
You have survived so much, so far. You will not only survive this readjustment phase, but you will come out thriving.
Sending love and strength to you
Sally xx
I am only attracted to Narcissists. I’ve met other men and they are just not interesting. I feel no desire. Do I just get into a relationship where I dont have strong feelings, hoping the feelings grow? I feel I’ll be alone forever now because I wont be with another Narc. Help!
Heal within Jess is the way out of this,
Many of us were YOU!
Come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this, or if you are ready to start de-programming this, then NARP is the answer http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you very much for this. I have done a lot of reflecting reading this article and feel now that I have seen way above into falling for a narcist. I feel a lot more sure of myself and a lot more confident these days. I think I can identify the signs much better now when I meet someone new. I also look carefully at their behaviours and watch how they interact with others.
Hi Anna,
you are very welcome.
I’m glad that this has helped.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this. This is exactly what I needed to read. It has been almost a year since he moved out and 7 months of no contact on my part. He has reached out a couple of times but I have not responded. I think I hit all 8 of the criteria. Lessons learned and also begin the healing of those parts of me that did make me susceptible. Probably one of the biggest ones is not set setting boundaries.
You are very welcome Rosemary,
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This article shows I still have a lot to work on with myself & Narp.
I haven’t achieved settlement with my 1st partner since 2006, & have just barely managed to maintain our repayments & additional expenses since then.. trait #3 of this post has got me thinking that I really need to work on being ‘willing to loose it all’, to be free from this situation & to allow myself to move forward.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us all Mel xo
Hi Lotus,
I hope that this has helped liberate you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
All takes time and energy. My main focus is self now( if I’m not meant to comment ,don’t put a box!)
All takes time and energy. My main focus is self now( if I’m not meant to comment ,don’t put a box!)
Ok gotcha !!
Wow! This article left no stone unturned! I was never really in love with the narcissist, but we had kids. It is the 8th one I have been really wrestling with. I have felt the strongest urge these past 7 years now to put some real physical distance between myself and the narcissist. (Relocating to another state) We have twin sons- 15 year olds on the Autism Spectrum and have been co-parenting, although not a couple since 2008. I have full custody, but have yet to really play the card I do have, as legally he can do nothing to stop me, yet, have relied on him greatly for help with the boys. I have long suspected that the massive amounts of energy I give away lecturing and prescribing and expressing my feelings, concerns and values are is precisely what I need to maintain for myself to heal and awaken from the illusion that I need his help. It has been OFF since Day One and I keep thinking I just need to learn to “manage” him and navigate the terrain better. How crazy is that?
Hi Teresa,
Thank you!
I’m so glad this has helped you get clarity on this!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I had full legal and physical custody of my children and my ex was only having supervised visits when I moved to another state without getting his approval. Well 4 months later I was in court fighting him because he wanted us to move back. The court sided with him and at the end of that school year we had to move back to the state we were in, close to him. Eventually, he worked me down so much I ended up having a major psychotic episode and to save my children, I gave him physical custody and he promised to re-address the situation when I got well, however that was a lie and he would never reconsider. I would have had to take him back to court and fight and by this time I was involved with another narcissist who wouldn’t help me fight for my children… I did not have the financial resources to fight him in court and for the last decade I have been suffering without my children, being kept out of their everyday lives and now my youngest daughter won’t talk to me. I have since left my second husband, who was the narcissist that I have been with for the past 14 years and I still don’t know how to heal…
But please don’t believe that your narcissist couldn’t fight your move. He will and can win.
Please see my comment about my experience moving out of state with full legal and physical custody of my 3 children…
Never too old to learn….no matter what age ! I did read a comment of a dear Man who was 80 and I thought ,what a Gem,
Good on you sweet man for sharing with all of us .im not a great deal younger ,and hearing that is soooooo encouraging . Hope you live to 100 Alan
Cheers ,and best wishes
This saved my life
Thank you
From
Michelle
It’s my pleasure and much love to you Michelle,
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for sharing this information. Knowledge is POWER! I am doing the inner work. I hope to never encounter another one in this life time!
It’s my pleasure Fay,
the real truth is True Healing means you couldn’t care less if you DO come across another one again – because YOU are different now.
That’s true empowerment!
Whatever you fear or resist will persist …
Mel 🙏💞🦋
[Hopefully, I shan’t … run away from this, as it is a threshold, very much felt inside its frozenness.] To quote you, with additions:
“The truth is, that you may not have faced yet [I hadn’t], you feel terrified to pull away and sort out your own traumas and fears and insecurities [at deep background levels that can be detected –and also avoided– after more specific trauma is released] , and feel more in control by trying to change someone else [as a substitute for yet someone else and/or for oneself as disavowed self-partner] in order to try to feel whole and safe [–not only can you claim the injured’s surrender for supply, but in war you can’t kill the medic].
This is the scary and self-defeating thing about this – the more you try to control someone else’s behavior, the more out of control you feel emotionally with your own. [This is why there are so many clueless healers, doctors — and contractors and mechanics.]
If we [have subconscious, unresolved traumatic wounds and then] hang out with sick people, trying to force them to be healthy, we get very, very sick [low-to-negative immunity, leading to the failed narcissist syndrome].
[Thus, healer heal thyself, but not so as to self-narstly “make yourself whole” within your own dissociation, along with the decomposing trauma energy-fed struggle against it !]
Thanks again, Melanie. And, thanks to the truth itself, should I be ready for it.
You are so welcome Michman!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
As it always happens in my life, your blog/ instagram/ Thrive TV came to my attention, at just the right time – jigsaw pieces were slotting into place and I needed answers. Thanks Mel xx
I am a childhood abuse survivor/ a warrior woman. I have already done a lot of healing work, but it always felt like something was holding me back. It was, my mother – the silent assassin in my midst. I had a suspicion that she was causing me a lot of grief, but couldnt quite put my finger on it.
I have only just recently been able to label her behaviour, NARCISSIST!
It has opened a floodgate of answers – the bloody awful relationship choices, the emptiness etc. etc.
I have had no contact with my mother for about 8 months now. She is blocked everywhere – I’ve even created an email filter, her emails get deleted straight away.
She still tries to contact me- recently a plant left halfway down my garden path! I gave it to my neighbour with love.
I neither love or hate my mother. She just has no affect my emotional energy now.
I have also walked away from and blocked my narc ex. No explanation, no point, he’s a narc. And he certainly doesnt deserve my kindness or emotional energy.
When you love yourself enough, you dont care about others opinions of you. You dont feel the need to defend yourself. You take away a lot of the narcs power.
I am looking forward to your workshop this morning Mel
Stay strong xx
Bless you Sally,
I love that you are taking my workshop!
Sending you beautiful healing breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
It has been some time now since I did workshop. I was in a really bad way, and I have to say it was life saving/ changing.
The biggest thing that attracted me to your workshop was no blame on either the victim or narc, each have a responsibility for their part in the relationship.
It has enabled me to view my relationships with all the people in my life from the perspective of a thriver, not a victim.
I am pleased to say that I am now repairing the relationship with my mother, something that I didnt think was possible when I started. I was too angry and stuck in the role of being a victim. I was a victim of everyone!
However, since doing your workshop and gaining emotional freedom from my past, which has given me clarity on my present. I have been able to view her in a different light, as a person. And now see how her own life has been affected by her own traumas- She IS a person first, my mother 2nd.
I have also been able to see the exes who I unjustly labelled as narcs, as just as much victim as I felt I was. We all have a story.
It has brought about a lot of forgiveness for myself and others and huge weight has lifted from my life.
I now feel like a true thriver, thank you xx
I love this anonymous!
Power and love to you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Once again an excellent article Melanie. Thank you for expressing these traits so thoroughly. I have a friend that has an online healing show in Cape Town. I know that you would be a very good guest. Please let me know if it would be possible to arrange.
Your divine work has been so helpful.
Thank you, Michael,
Yes, we can certainly look at this.
Please write into [email protected] and it can be forwarded on to my public relations peeps!
Much love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
I’ve done so much work on myself since leaving my narc ex partner 8 years ago, I truly understand the core of it all, why I attracted him, why I’ve always attracted narcissists since childhood, what part I played ect, I’ve implemented all the necessary steps and still do to bring healing back to myself and my life these last eight years, but I’m still left with this subconscious voice of his that I hear, it’s like stuck on repeat in my subconscious, I’ve built myself up on many levels but the one thing that I can’t seem to shift that effects me daily is I see myself how he wanted me to see, I was very glamorous and dressed lovely, loved make up and accessories ie jewellery shoes all the usual things 😂 but since the abuse I can’t see me how I saw me before my relationship with him, I see what he made me see, I’m not anything like I was, I’m not as glamorous I physically can’t wear the clothes I used to wear, I wear the same thing everyday, I’ve not worn jewellery for 8 years as soon as I put it on I have a distorted view of how it looks, I can’t wear make up like I did I think I look silly or ridiculous, I genuinely feel so ugly all the time, I can’t look in the mirror for long or reflections of windows ect I miss my old self terribly and no matter what work I do, therapy I partake in I just can’t seem to rid myself of this distorted perception, it’s like my brain has been permanently damaged and I’m stuck this way forever, it literally feels like this in my inner being as I can actually feel it. It makes me so unhappy and sad, it worries me that il never see myself how I saw myself again, I miss me, how I saw me, how I dressed me, I never self loathed myself before him, I never doubted what I wore or how I looked, but it’s completely gone and all I can see when I look in the mirror is ugly I see it and I feel it in my inner being every single day of my life, if I try to put nice clothes on or make up like I used to it feels wrong it looks wrong it’s the most unnatural unpleasant feeling to me now, I also don’t like people looking at me so I constantly wear sunglasses when outside 😞 it breaks my heart as I’m writing this to you as I hear it in myself what I’ve become because of another’s behaviour, is there anything you feel could help me?
Claire from the Uk 🇬🇧 x x
This is extremely eye opening for me. I struggle so much with having a self. I have dissociative identity disorder. This makes me a prime target for narcissists because of my ability to morph depending on sorroundings and situations. I’ve been so afraid of my inner world that I’ve lived my whole life enmeshed with narcissists, trying to fix them hoping it would fix the parts of me that feel broken. I have an extremely long way to go but since I found my energy source, the self that isn’t enmeshed with trauma, it’s getting easier to reach my parts, heal and validate them so I can truly learn to respect myself enough. Thank you Melanie for forcing me to see the truth.
Hi Sylvia,
you are very welcome.
Please know rather than trying to work with parts that aren’t traumatised (which sadly doesn’t work), its much more effective to hold, release and replace the trauma with Light (True Source Healing), which is what my Healing Pprgrams do, hence why they are so effective in freeing people into their True Selves and Lives.
NARP does all of this. If you have had enough of the pain and struggle and want to solidly, durably and authentically come home to yourself, that is my complete recommendation.
Please check it out!
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
NARP is a game-changer in how you can heal from all of this.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Claire,
Dear Lady this is about trauma still wedged in your Inner Being that can be released, easily, meaning you will go free from this.
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?- because that is the solution.
If you are NARPing and want help as to how to get free of this, please post in the wonderful NARP member’s forum and one of our incredible Thrivers will help direct you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I grew up in a Catholic family. The teachings of the church towards women very much indoctrinated me to not stand up for myself, but to always be thinking and looking after men. Feminism taught me to begin to value myself more and to be more wary of men that were looking to exploit these traits. Your programme has helped begin to heal my emotional trauma from this training. My ex narc has now taken my daughter hostage for the past two years and he is turning her into his supply. I am still fighting through the courts to get her free but can see first hand the damage he has done and is doing to her soul. Thank you for giving me the strength to keep up the fight. xxx
You are very welcome Vicki,
sending you and your daughter so much love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel
OMG! Im so relieved I found your website.I have been married for 28 years and it has taken me that long to figure out that my wife is a narcissist. I feel drained as I have been trying to fix her behaviours ( I now have Depression , drink and smoke more ). My wife lies a lot and says the meanest things to me. Everything is my fault.She hides her finances and expects me to pay most of the bills citing ,” you are the man and should look after me and your children…”. She hides ( maybe throws out) things she thinks matter to me. I realised she is sick when she tried to push me down the stairs of our double storey house saying, ” I don’t care if you die…”. I had a fractured toe and wore a cam boot at that time.She has turned all her siblings against me ( she pampers them with gifts and money ) and has nothing to do with my family. Her behaviours escalated when we migrated from Africa to Australia 14 years ago and she is becoming even worse . Thank you for the emails and articles.Im positive this is the beginning of my healing. Im connecting with my inner self to move forward. Its scary but your articles are giving me strength.
Hi Shep,
please know how welcome you are.
Love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Reading these 8 traits was like being back in the relationship I ended 12 or 13 years ago. When I was introduced to the girl all those years ago, who, since thankfully enrolling onto the NARP course, I now realize was (and probably still is) a narcissist of the worst kind, I KNEW something wasn’t right with her, all my intuitions were telling me to walk away but I wasn’t strong enough and was drawn in to the most toxic relationship with the most vile human being I’ve ever met.
This girl used my trusting and good reputation, information provided to her by her sister who I knew at the time and who introduced us to one another, to enhance her own failings. Her behaviour was uncontrollable but she always drew me back in to make herself look ‘respectable’ again. All this has become clear now, It’s the reason WHY I was so passive and unwilling to face the truth that I knew I had to find. The trigger was me feeling ready to meet someone knew, this dragged me back 12/13 years and I don’t want to keep going round in circles as I AM a target for narcissists and have been on a few occasions, thankfully the last occasion I walked away from pretty quickly as I had a guardian angel in the shape of the girl’s friend who gave told me what this girl was saying about me behind my back despite being the nicest person when I was with her…I recognized the signs.
Since starting NARP I’m starting to recognize that a childhood trauma is the reason I have been in these relationships, I am that scared child I was all those years ago, powerless and unable to change the situation…not anymore! I know this will take time to find the person I was before the toxic time but I’m determined to get there. Finding Melanie’s programme felt like serendipity at a time I needed it most, I’m enjoying the self discovery and want to know more so I can say goodbye scared child and finally move out of that skin and into my own.
I love that you are healing and taking your power back Glen.
It’s wonderful when guys in our amazing community do the inner work!
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Melanie,
thank you very much for regularly pointing out that narcissistic relationships do not just occur between romantic partners. They can happen in any relationship, even between parents and children. One of your earlier videos about adult children behaving very unreasonably with parents, in which you spoke about problems you once had with your own son, really helped me. (So thank you so much for your honesty too). Your observation that such children are not necessarily actually narcissistic, but are caught up in old hurts and trauma, that often they learn and mature after leaving home, was especially comforting.
My own son left home about four months ago, after several exhausting years when I kept apologizing for my mistakes made when I was bringing him up and making excuses for his behavior. He alternated between being super understanding and helping me deal with my own issues connected to my birth family and being endlessly argumentative, complaining about my failures constantly, shouting at the top of his lungs, hurling filthy abuse, belittling me, regularly calling me stupid and worse. He had me believing that I had no understanding of human beings, that I had no healthy emotions, that I was emotionally numb. I was terrified that I was about to lose my mind. My son studied psychology at college and was able to see that I did have some issues.
As painful as it is to be left with no relationship with my only child, your analysis helps me see the bitter truth — that we had reached a dead end with no possibility of forward movement for the time being. I can sympathize with people healing from disastrous romantic relationships with narcs, as you call them, but can’t help feeling that losing a child in this way is really an impossible, crazy-making situation. As a mother, I will never stop loving my child and cannot imagine giving up on him…
If you can take up the topic of unhealthy relationships between adult children and parents in another essay or video, I shall be very grateful.
Warmly,
Abha
Hi Abha,
you are very welcome.
My heart goes out to you, there is no deeper trauma to our heart than that of our children.
Abha, I really want you to know that it was the deep inner work that I did on myself that was not only able to deliver me from the trauma of my son and what he was doing to himself and me, but also it ultimately healed him, as this inner Quantum work deeply healed me.
Energetically, vibrationally from our Inner Being, our inner programmed beliefs, when we shift, our children organically follow.
I can’t recommend enough that you dedicate yourself to your inner healing at the level not just for you, but potentially for him and his future generations.
It’s the most powerful possible solution, on so many levels.
NARP is key to this (as it has been for so many parents and their children in this community) – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you want to learn more than please come into my free workshop http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’ve listened to a lot of videos and read a lot of Melanie’s articles.
I relate a great deal!!!
One big confusion is my Achilles heel of vulnerable body image. Not overweight but issues of body shape, composition etc. In a world so focused on the female body and what it “should” look like, this is my biggest vulnerability in romantic relationships.
What kind of “healing up” is possible here? I’ve struggled with an eating disorder which is well moderated. But I also don’t want to become obsessive and compulsive about eating and exercise. I would like to be accepted without needing to have a “perfect” body.
My last relationship triggered my insecurities a great deal without him EVER saying something negative about my body.
It was more about seeing lingerie ads and saying, “I’ve never been with anyone who looked like they!” Or, “Look at the legs on that woman!”, or, “I don’t see you depriving yourself.” About how I eat.
I could never get a clear understanding on dozens of similar comments! If I would check something out, there would be solid sounding explanations!
Oh the ad is unrealistic! Oh her legs aren’t attractive! Too muscular from years of dancing.
Oh I just meant you eat healthy!
Really?!
Yet I spiraled lower and lower into what felt like being led into the dungeons…
Hi Irene,
I know this may be hard to imagine, but the healing is simple for every “false belief”.
All that is needed when you work with the right Quantum Inner Tools is …
“I am targeting the trauma in my body generating (that)” (Exactly what you are describing.)
Qunata Freedom Healing (NARP) addresses any belief / trauma / dis-ease that is not True Self / Source /Higher Consciousness … so much more easily than you could imagine!
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
One through four certainly resonated more deeply although the others were and are probably true. I am still in recovery from wounds (psychological, physical and emotional) from military service. I can see how she used, probably fake empathy, to hook me in as she offered occasional comfort and occasional guidance for what I was going through.
Naturally, I was appreciative. Unfortunately I discovered later that this was part of a ploy to use me and hook me in and take advantage of my goodness and work ethic….
And, of course, it’s easy for me to be irritated or angry for what she has done. However, I’m thankful that I have NARP. 🙌 when I follow the principles of NARP some of those feelings of anger or irritation simply dissolve.
Even as I write this I can feel certain thoughts that may have been engendered by reading your blog are dissipating! I am thankful for that!
And I am thankful for you, Melanie, as well!
Much love to you! ❤️🦋❤️
This entire article mapped out perfectly my life. I can’t describe how this made me feel reading that each characteristic was what hooked me into this slow death of a marriage.
I have been working on forgiving myself and being strong with solid boundaries. I have a child in this marriage and that is the hardest part of it all…knowing it will break her heart when we split. When I dont know…as i am still feeling terrified and scared…probably because of the trauma bond.
I thank you for all your informational videos and articles/emails, as they have helped me open my eyes in the past year to an understanding of my situation I could never have figured out alone.
Hi Rach,
I am so pleased I have helped you get clarity.
Sending you healing, strength and positive breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Oh my goodness. I’m sitting here in aww and so much gratitude that I read your email today!! Thank you Angels!! I recognize all 8 traits clearly though I have done my inner work and are ready to walk out on a narcissistic relationship. Wow!! It’s all clear to me but I love having the wording and description right in front of me.
Thank you for making it even more clear to me how far I’ve come and how important it is really to take the next step.
Pernille
Hi Pernille,
you are very welcome and I’m so pleased I can help.
Sending you power and love with your next steps to Thriving.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am on a toxic rollercoaster with a narcissist. Mental illness substance abuse and a heavy loss to death last year. No matter how horrible he is or how many times he lies cheats or mentally abuse’s me I always end up accepting his excuses. He’s never wrong and when he’s caught dead lie there is never a sincere apology. It’s always he’s sorry I feel that way. He’s not the person I believe. He puts up with all my abuse because he loves me. Or he already apologized for how I feel or what I think happened so why bring it up? He tells me all the things I’ve done to hurt him and when I give an example of his same behavior I’m changing the subject. I’m just too damaged to love I guess. I hate him I hate that I can’t stop. It’s like an after school special you would totally tell your friend to get out if it was the same. I’ve tried suicide 3x since meeting him. He pushes until I break. But hey Its not his fault no one can stop someone from suicide. I just wish to God he would leave me alone.
Hi Tara,
I believe you need to form a plan to leave him. Not sure how old you are, but time keeps going by and I am sure you want to eventually be happy. My ex-son-in-law is a narcissist. My daughter divorced him. He actually emotionally abused her so much that she ended up in a psychiatric hospital. He is remarried and is starting his narcissism on her. She had to leave for the weekend and stay with her parents. The upsetting part for me is that he emotionally abuses my 3 grandchildren. My oldest granddaughter recently was in a psychiatric hospital. Everyone is afraid to speak up, so she was given a diagnosis of bipolar I. I know this is not correct, because narcissists can make a person crazy. I keep tract of what he is doing to everyone. It is extremely hard to do anything. If my grandchildren would speak up, it would help. His new wife will have to get the strength to get out. Her ulcer kicked in and the kids said she was throwing up blood. You should not try suicide. There is a better life out there for you. I am sure it is very difficult for you. Maybe talking to a counselor who understands narcissists would help. I do not think many people know much about narcissists and what they can do to another person, in a secretive way. They can deceive others, even doctors. I believe your husband will never change and things might get worse. They also follow a circle of abuse – honeymoon stage, slowly cutting one down, getting worse, and then back to honeymoon, and so on. You are damaged from him, but you can be quickly undamaged by getting away – things will slowly get better and you will be surprised. I have seen so much through my ex-son-in-law, still see it, and everyone needs to get out of his life!
It’s been 51 weeks since I let him (ex, narc) leave. The reasons were all of the above negative outcomes from getting in relationship with someone while not having tended to my wounds. Been doing pretty good; reattaching my heart with better thread; then we each lost a parent, turned to each other (talking/texting) and whamo. OK, not as bad as 5 years ago, but he got into me again, showing me my still unhealed/tended to parts. I have re dis-contacted him the past week. I mean I saw SAW that the woman he moved in with the second he walked out of our door has taken his last name; in less than a year. You. Know. BUT IT STILL FOUND MYSELF WANTING (NEEDING) TO MAKE CONTACT WITH HIM again. I blocked him when I saw the reality staring at me with her having taken on his last name. It was “easy” for a few days. Then, like I said; WHAMO…the pain, the missing him, the want, the regret of letting him leave…grabbed me SO HARD I was Just About To Text Him, when I saw this post of Melanie’s. Somehow it did indeed work like cold water on someone semi un-conscious. And how she (you Melanie) added the insight about *how* these character traits work as a magnet for the narc (I still hate labels, but if the shoe fits..). AND how it’s our wounds to heal. There’s something profound and lasting about one actually tending to one’s wounds. Applying salve, bandage, rest…vs “Get over it” or “Don’t look at it”.. I should edit this comment probably, but if I do I’ll probably delete, and I don’t think I should do that. Thanks. Love.
Hi from South Africa. After being with this Narcissistic Monster for 20 years I am trying to escape. I am 69, he 75. Your posts have become my Bible. They are so valuable & I cannot get thru a day without reading something that always resonates. You really have a deep understanding & I bless you for this support. Better than any therapist.
Hi Maxine,
please know how welcome you are!
Im so pleased that I can help.
Have you thought about healing with Qunata Freedom Healing?
It is such a game-changer to help you really break through!
I’d love you to try it in one of my free webinars http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can help you even more!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
So accurate Melanie. Thank you.
It’s my pleasure Lin,
Cheers!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
I’m 68 yo & took your wonderful, life-changing,life-enhancing NARP seminar series online in June of 2020. Suffice it to say: There has been sooo much healing to my life & IN my life ‘because of you & bc of NARP. Thank you for formulating & developing this amazing program!! Someone earlier stated something along the lines of “This is better than Therapy”. There’s a lot of icky, toxic stuff I found myself walking through (& I “was” doing my best to take responsibility for all of the problems within my own family) but I was shocked to discover 7 or 8 yrs ago that my dad (my daughter’s Grandfather) the narc had abused her (right under my nose) & that most (if not all) of my husband’s & my family (i.e., my daughter’s & my son’s) “problems” were ‘incited’ (or “instigated”) by my father ( who always seemed to come out “smelling like a Rose”). I did conront him once about it; but he skillfully turned it back on my daughter. Iow, my Dad (who died in 2019) was the source or cause of much of the stress & strain (to put it mildly) on my family unit w/my kids & husband. I didn’t know anything about narcissism & had “put my dad on a pedestal” for most of my life. So it was confusing to first come to terms w/the fact that ‘I really didn’t know who my dad was at all’. But after NARP & after doing lots of work & healing on myself (& coninuing to ‘grow’ through reading articles on this forum; I can finally see in myself that it’s true; I am “Thriving”—even if at first ot was in ‘fits & starts’. The unfound “Puzzle Pieces” of my once shattered life are all starting to fall into place & I am so eternally grateful to you Melanie & to NARP. My husband’s & my Daughter is 36 & just had a serious break-up happen w/a boyfriend & my 34 yo Son is single as well. I just hope that I can be a helpful support to them (along w/my husband) & that the earlier child abuse inflicted by my father can just make them into stronger individuals. Thanks again for ALL of your help to so many suffering families & individuals! MUCH LOVE to you!
Hi Laurel,
I always find it so inspirational to meet incredible people like you in our community!
Thank you for your post today, and please know how welcome you are.
I want you to know, from my heart to yours, that our children do follow no matter what age they are when we heal with NARP. The evidence of this is overwhelming. In the NARP community forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member , additionally, there is incredible support including proxy healing that you can get coaching with (all included for free with NARP) to assist this even more organically and beautifully.
If you haven’t already Laurel, I can’t recommend the NARP Forum enough!
Sending love to you and yours
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is the state of my life and inner being summarised in 8 points. I have been ALL of these things. I’ve never read anything which so concisely and clearly summarises my core psychodynamics. This makes mincemeat at all my pretensions at spiritual development, which really amounts to a compensation and construction of a false self that sits on top of all these core wounds. That false self has now spectacularly imploded with my leaving my (spiritual/altruistic) narcissist and starting NARP. You can’t transcend a self if you don’t have one to begin with, or if the one you have has holes and gaps where narcissistic abuse can take a hold. Your work has helped me understand and grasp vulnerabilities I’ve struggled with over a lifetime, and more importantly provided a path through the confusion and misconceptions. I will be bookmarking this article and returning it often to remind myself how pseudo spirituality cannot replace the necessary imperative to self partner and self parent. I can’t thank you enough.
Hi Sandra,
it’s really refreshing regarding how you truly get it!
Power and love to you Dear Sister!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Oh Melanie, I’ve had the worst weekend. I’ve been divorced from my narcissist for 8 years. Finally healed and feeling good. Until at a mini high school class reunion lunch, one of my classmates pulled me aside and told me that she is dating HIM. I told her to run. I gave her several reasons and examples of his infidelity. Come to find out, she had been in a very abusive narcissistic relationship and is waiting for her divorce to be final when this predator found her (he was also a classmate). I’m just sick. She knew what I said was true, but I could see her reasoning it out. I gave her your website and told her to RUN, don’t move in, don’t get married. GET HELP. In talking to another classmate who is her confidante, I found that she’s already experienced several red flags, but he’s already got her entangled in his web. And just as I thought, after he knew we spent time together, he became even more loving, giving her a story with a kernel of truth but twisted it to his favor. That meant I spent all weekend reliving all those emotions, old scenarios of infidelity and emotional abuse. But I realize I am better now, have boundaries that I set, etc. It just hurts me to see her ensnared in his web. She left the door open to talk more. I told her no, I could give her 100’s more stories but that she’s already justifying his behavior so one more story won’t matter. I told her I will be there to help her pick up the pieces when he’s done with her. What else can I do?
Hi Ellen,
I love Man from California’s supportive answer to you.
Dear Lady, please know at a deeper soul level, every soul is having the experience required for awakening and healing. If you were to divert her away, she would simply fall into another narcissistic relationship somewhere else.
What is the narcissistic experience in all of our lives? Hurting us enough to let go of a False Source (idols) to come home to true Source (Creator) and our own Souls.
That is what her soul is up to. Bless and accept this and be there for her, with love, when she starts to awaken and is ready to heal. Until then, keep healing you so that you can be a shining Light for yourself, her and the world.
I hope this helps
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Ellen Forbus: I know you’ve addressed Mel, but I’m going to sneak this in for you. In answer to “what else can I do?” I’ll suggest you can sleep well knowing you have done all you CAN do and that the rest of it is likely out of your hands. So, “nothing” could very well be the correct answer.
I had the nearly 100-year-old mother (and she’s always been sharp as a tack!) of my decades-long narc partner once call me an “idiot” to my face (and I am no such thing) because she knew what her daughter is. (A covert narcissist, and “covert” is why I was bamboozled about it until I was discarded). She wouldn’t come right out and SAY what her daughter is, her daughter wasn’t about to give up her “covert lifestyle” (so she could steal from me and cheat on me in every way imaginable), and tell me herself, but she could call me an idiot for not seeing it — even as it was being deliberately kept hidden from me!
That is sometimes what it is like to tell someone “you are making a deal with the devil here…” and have them not listen to you. There is something about this whole phenomenon of narcissistic abuse that some of us simply must “discover for ourselves.” Yes, there is great pain and destruction that comes with that discovery, but I keep having this sense that I have been given a gift, like I am able to see the world more clearly (after my discard). And learn to establish better boundaries and all the rest. Perhaps this will happen to your friend, too, and absolutely NO amount of warning on your part can prevent this. Why? I don’t know, but perhaps your friend must be “shown this” in a way that SHE can see for HERSELF, rather than YOU showing it TO her. Does that make sense? It is something I have experienced with this strange sickness, and I wish to offer to you that such “reveals” should not shock or surprise you. Narcs are simply not like us.
I offer you the above (for what it is worth), good human warmth and caring from afar.
Every single word resonated here with me. Thank you is inadequate for what you do, teaching us to honor our souls. When we heal ourselves we heal the world. I love how you explain things because I can easily put things into my awareness/radar and start practicing.
Excellent article, great tips. So what happens when you get to a self-healed place, strong boundaries in place, and then you are no longer the target. Soon you are witnessing the narcissist (parent) abusing new targets…your young nieces! How do you deal with that? The children are too young to understand the manipulation(as I was in their position), and confronting the abuser just makes them more stealthy, committing offenses when you aren’t looking, and/or blaming you for things(still) behind your back, and attempting to turn the children against you. It’s so insidious!
Hi A,
If you google my name plus “our children” you will find information regarding how, as adults, with our beloved children (even your nieces) you can help lead the way for them.
There are many resources there which I hope can help you as well as help them.
Much love to you all
Mel 🙏💞🦋
How will you know you are ready for another relationship? I am absolutely terrified of getting into another narcissistic relationship. The previous one where I was married and had kids was so traumatising and damaging not only to me but my entire family.
I will NEVER get married again, live with someone again or engage in anything that allows the Australian legal system say over my future. This is thanks to experiencing how narcissists can and do severely manipulate the courts and their gender to use the legal system as a sword to punish you over and over for years. No thank you! Never again, not a chance!
So now where to from here?
Hi Ronald,
it’s about healing – and being you, and knowing that there are great people to love, and when we know how to differentiate, love ourslves and have healthy boundaries, never again will we need to go through such trauma.
I promise you that it is possible.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you. I’m sure you’ve heard that from so many thus far, but thank you. My biggest downfall has been the need to be validated amongst all of the other defeating things that they love to exploit and abuse you with. It took some seriously deep honesty within myself to see that most everyone I have dated (sparing a kind few) have had narcissistic tendencies, my last one being a full fledged one to the n’th degree. I went to the source of why and it led me straight back to a parent that I can never be good enough for and the punishment was immensely psychological. I left after turning 17 because he had refused to speak to me at all for nearly 3 months. It was only him and I in the house and I was always grounded for the sake of control. He still won’t speak to me to this day, me at the age of 48. But I’ve concluded its how I prefer it. Doesn’t help that his best friend (my rich godfather) used money for reward and all these other tactics they do that began from the day I was born. That’s all I known- that was my “normal”. I’m working on the acceptance of who they are now, how they set the pace of what kind of person I would allow in my life… making it my comfort zone because I thought it was the norm. Now I know that I don’t have to suffer, just love me and my inner child that just wants to be hugged. Reading your article has validated my experience and feelings in a way that Ive needed to start healing. It’s overwhelming, but it’s releasing so much heaviness and pain. So again, thank you for your raw honesty and loving truths. 🙏🏼✨💜
I’m so pleased you feel validated Lisa!
Please know how welcome you are and know that I and this lovely community are sending you much healing and love.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie, I am/have worked through all 8 of these, am figuring out who I can be my true self with, and this entire month my monster in law has been trying to play me. Her son ( my husband) isn’t falling for her crap either and her daughter, the golden child, has been pulling the silent treatment and other manipulative tactics on her. My husband has all 8 of these as well, he grew up the scapegoat. Today she called me at 416 am June 17 2022. I have strict phone boundaries with her, I go low contact, my nephews live across the street from her and they already have enough unnecessary drama with their mom and grandma. We are close with our nephews. Anyway, she’s been breaking all phone boundaries on purpose again. I have decided to block her cell number so she can’t call and text. I’ve also restricted her FB account and messenger. She was active con messenger the same time she called me, as always. I did not text or call her back. She didn’t call or text her son so it obviously was no t an emergency. I used to be afraid of what would happen if I stood by my boundaries. Went through hell from her through that first time around. Today, not. I’m keeping her cell number blocked this time. She wants to make me out to be the crazy drama maker she can. Doesn’t bother me anymore. Is it right to feel anger as I am healing?
Hi Jamie,
you would not be human if you didn’t feel angry!
Be kind to you 🙂
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I left the narca demon a little over a year ago. He puts me in financial abuse. He then recruits 3 family members who made my life a living Hell. There was a major crime that I almost didn’t make it. They are lying & smearing my name for miles. It took two years to fight all of this. Then, my daughter killed my dog. Now, I have a lawyer for victimization. They made a mess out of my finances & fighting this for years. I am so exhausted, but I must keep going. My daughter did a video supposing to be you, but I knew better. You don’t keep stopping someone from saying what they need to say.
I was so so lost, unhealed and traumatized before I found you that I look at it now and it’s almost ridiculous.
How can someone walk the earth so emotionally unprotected!!
And of course I payed the price multiple times , the last one almost costing my life and sanity.
How many times can I say thank you??
Never enough!!!!
Love you Melanie,
Much love from Madrid