In this article, I’m not going to give you practical processes to help you simply get on with your life. For a very good reason, because they simply don’t work. Rather, I’m going to help you get free from the inside, because that is where your true recovery lies.
Narcissistic abuse is a spiritual Soul phenomenon, and it’s very true that there are deep emotional trauma cords that keep you connected even decades after separating, unless you work at releasing them. So let’s look at how to do that.
Step Number One – Dealing With The Anguish Of The Trauma
It’s incredibly difficult to assimilate what a narcissist has done to you because it’s inhumane and it is so, so painful. The things that narcissists do don’t make sense. The more we try to work it out, the more disturbed and confused we become. It’s unfathomable and it’s so illogical and there’s no way to get closure and peace around it.
One of the greatest disturbances is that this person, may have professed to love you and care about you yet their actions were barbaric, senseless and cruel. Many people don’t cut the cords because they’re trapped in the obsession of what happened. What could have or should have happened or what they could have done differently. These thoughts go over and over and over again in their minds without resolution.
Now, what happens with that is that it keeps you attached. And it means that you’re getting sicker and sicker with your energy tied up in this epic struggle to try to get some mental peace around this.
The true solution is to let go of the energetic trauma within you of what happened to you. This is a starting point of cutting the cords. So that space can come within you – the space of relief, the space of letting it go, the space of better things to come and healing to open up so that you can breathe. That way, other thoughts and feelings can begin to arise from within you.
I really want to suggest to those of you that are working with NARP, Module One is the go-to for this. Module One is all about Releasing The Immediate Pain And Feelings Of Loss. That’s the first step in your healing.
Step Number Two – Regaining Yourself
Specifically for this reason, regaining yourself after being narcissistically abused is so important because you’ve lost yourself. Your Soul and Life Force have been sucked out of you, which means that your self-confidence and your self-esteem have been shredded and everything that you thought was your life has disintegrated and has pretty much been torn away from you.
Narcissists are like insatiable black holes who believe that they’re entitled to all of what is yours, and the people and things that were dear to you are usually under threat as well. Narcissists are masterful in ensnaring your Soul and making you believe that you need them and that you can’t make it without them. Regardless of how much they take from you, that’s how they’re going to make you feel – that you need them.
It doesn’t matter whether or not you feel hooked into the narcissist because they are holding your stuff over you and you are programmed to believe that you need their love and their approval and their security to survive. These are very, very powerful, energetic cords.
The more you are hooked into the narcissist, trying to get them to give you your Soul back or your stuff back, or to step up and be a source of love, safety and happiness, the more this False Self is going to keep extracting your energy, your resources, your Life Force and your Soul.
There’s only one solution to cutting these insidious and abusive cords, which is to let go of trying to make them be a Source that’s either going to repair the damage that they’ve done, or step up and be a True Source. Let go and turn inwards to heal, becoming a Source to yourself.
This is achieved by releasing those energetic emotional ties that are making your Soul and life feel dependent on the narcissist. And by reversing the program of that False Source that you’ve been attached to, to be able to connect to True Source, which is your higher power – it’s Life Force, it’s wellbeing. It’s that invisible force that’s running through everything.
That’s where you can gain access to unlimited love, approval and security from healthy sources. Then the narcissist’s hold on you, with how they’ve been treating you, abusing you or holding things over you, all dissolves. That equals taking your power back.
Module Two of NARP is the go-to for that. Module Two is about Releasing The Illusion Of This Person As Your Source Of Self. It reverses all of that and puts you back in your power, which maybe until this point, you’ve never been able to actually connect to.
Step Number Three – Forgiving Yourself
It’s such a shock when you realize that you’ve been taken in by a narcissist. Of course there is so much grief, shame, despair, and regret for what you put yourself through and those that you love. It’s so normal to think that you will never make up the years, the security, the money, the love, the efforts that you’ve thrown away into the deep black hole that is the narcissist. Especially when you end up emptied out and discarded like yesterday’s trash.
In my own personal experience, and as a result of helping thousands of people make full Thriver recoveries from narcissists, I know that one of the greatest barriers to not being able to get free is not forgiving yourself. That’s why I’m such a fan of the deep inner Soul work, the Quantum healing work. Because the mind’s limitations are so crippling when it comes to reconciling the loss of the things that we thought were our identity.
Things like losing years, or our looks or our money or people and things dear to us. Or the life that we thought was meant to be our life. Logically, and from our own personality level, we believe that this means life can never be the same again, or it’s too late for us now.
Yet, at the higher level, this is not the truth at all. When you do the inner work on letting go of everything that hurts about this and you stop beating yourself up for what happened – space opens up inside and what enters is the higher wider truth of the Soul contract that just took place.
This is the powerful evolution of letting go of your dependencies and the handing of your power away to False Selves and outer authorities. And instead, finally being able to come home to the truth and power and sovereignty of your own Soul. This is where you know that as brutal as what you went through was, this was an incredible Soul contract that ultimately led you home to honouring, loving and accepting yourself and making right your relationship with your Creator and then resetting your life from that place.
Forgiveness is not a head level task. It’s a deep inner shift, away from the victimized trauma of, “What I went through was some sick mistake,” to “Everything that has happened, has happened FOR me and not TO me,” and the growth that comes from this understanding.
I love the shift that occurs for people when they go through this process, as much as it freed me.
Module Three in NARP is Forgive Yourself In Life For What You’ve Been Through. This is where you get free from that stuff. As well as the Quanta Freedom Healing Module included in NARP for this, there’s also an extensive workbook to help you process this very important stage.
Step Number Four – Releasing The Need For Accountability
It’s very usual to want to hold somebody accountable for what they did to you. Yet it’s not helpful at all in regard to untethering from the abuse and setting your Soul free. This is the reason why, when we need something to change outside of ourselves, for something to change on the inside, you’ve handed your power away. It means that you are not free to live and create unconditionally.
The miracle I’ve seen over and over again is when people have done the inner work on that cord of needing something from or to happen to the narcissist in order to get closure, rather when it just gets organically released inside instead – this is often when the narcissist is held to account. And this happens, ironically when there is no need for them to be held to account in order for you to move on.
This is a grand dichotomy of energetic Quantum Life Force. If you need something to happen in order to feel whole and complete now, then you’re only going to get more of the neediness of that, of needing it and wanting it. Yet if you do the work on letting go of what you need and come home to feeling whole and complete unconditionally, then more of what pleases you will naturally organically fall into place.
Module Four in NARP, which is Release And Heal The Pain Of Injustice And Betrayal and Module Five, which is Let Go Of The Fight To Win And Your Own Need For Justice often leads people organically to justice and wins against narcissists powerfully and directly.
Step Number Five – Letting Go Of Feeling Sorry Or Responsible For The Narcissist
You may feel sorry for the narcissist or hooked in to looking out for or after them, no matter how badly this person is treating you. This is a common and very big impediment in the way of getting free for a lot of people and not being able to move on and not being able to disengage your Soul from abuse.
Narcissists are incredibly good at working out what is your vulnerable emotional spot to keep you hooked in. Naturally, this could be your good nature and your compassionate feelings. It could also be the feelings of obligation for an elderly parent or a family member or your child. Maybe you have a deep and powerful tie within you, making you feel like it’s your sole responsibility to fix and heal your love partner or spouse, and that you are the only person who understands them or who can do it.
I promise you with all of my heart, that when you do the inner work on these powerful, energetic connections and release them, it’s like waking up out of a trance and coming home to the truth – it’s impossible to heal and fix people who are not taking responsibility for themselves. You only drown as they pull you underwater and you don’t ever offer them an opportunity to step up and stop their abusive behaviour by you saying no.
Rather, you’re enabling them to behave the way they do and you’re also diminishing your health and your Life Force, which means you are not going to be able to contribute to life and loved ones in meaningful ways.
Module Six in NARP is Release And Heal The Need To Take Responsibility For The Narcissist. This inner work allows you to lay boundaries and even go No Contact. If that is what it takes for you to gain your Soul back with no residue or guilt.
Step Number Six – Feeling Free Of What The Narcissist May Do Next
What is so predictable about narcissists is how unpredictable they are. When a relationship ends with a narcissist, you are more than likely in for the most difficult time of your life. This person may maliciously smear you, attack you by proxy, threaten and stalk you or betray you to your close friends and loved ones.
Or the narcissist may profess to apologize, seek help, and attempt to love bomb you back into the relationship or feint helplessness and try to control you again with you feeling sorry for them, or throw new supply in your face to punish you or go missing and silent … or work through the list of all of the above.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people get sucker punched, not just by the narcissistic behaviours, but also by the terrible things they discover about the narcissist when other people come forward. About affairs, criminal behaviours, and the list goes on and on.
Then to add on top of all of this, often there’s the trying to disentangle property and belongings, custody arrangements, and even enmeshed businesses and loans, all with a person who doesn’t want to cooperate or play fair.
If you don’t have a way to stop trying to second guess what is happening and what the outcomes will be, you will be stuck in PTSD, as well as being toxically, emotionally connected to the narcissist. You are going to be so much more effective in dealing with all of this, if you can get at peace and connected to your powerful core in the now, regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.
Module Eight of NARP which is Release And Heal The Fear Of The Narcissist And What He Or She May Do Next, has been used successfully by thousands of NARP members worldwide, to stay centered in their power, render the narcissist powerless against them and also regularly win court cases and settlements.
Because the narcissist no longer has power over them and that’s when they crumble.
In Conclusion
I really hope today has been helpful in giving you six powerful ways to cut the cords and release yourself and take your power back.
I also really hope that this is a reminder for NARP members where these steps lie with the different Modules. For those of you that feel like you need a lot more to really get you over the line, I cannot recommend checking out NARP enough.
If you want to learn more about NARP, please come into my free webinar, which is no obligation and explains it at a deeper level and takes you through a powerful, inner healing, which is going to give you relief that you can feel straight away.
Remember to share this with people that you know it can help. I look forward to your comments.
Thank you Melanie!!
I am stronger everyday because of your emails.
🙏🏽
I’m so happy about this Belinda!
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Accountability on the part of the narcissist is something I’ve long let go of. They’re incapable of it. But as Melanie says, the more you cut the puppet strings they try to keep you on, the more you just turn your back on them as much as possible and refuse their outrageous attempts to impose on you— miraculously things start to fall into place. Miraculously they begin to lose power over you AND others they try to manipulate against you.
Hi Melanie,
I’ve found your emails and blog really helpful over the past 3 years as I’ve found my way out of a relationship with a narc. I ended it 2 years ago, however, it’s only 6 months since I finally stopped contact with him and put an end to his hoovers. I can’t lie that it’s been really painful and even though I’ve been doing the right things externally, internally I’ve really grieved and felt really injured. And the wanting accountability thing has been a big hurdle to get over for me.
These last 6 months of almost no contact have really helped, I feel like I have a lot of myself back now and though I still think about it all every day, there’s other things taking up my brainscape. But my big issue is socially. I can’t avoid him without cutting off some important friendships and big parts of my social life – his closest friend is my best friend’s partner. And that’s made everything awful. His current main source has been completely lied to and dicked around by him and I’ve had to block her abuse of me, as he has her seeing me as a threat even though i have no contact with him anymore. Then there are other minor sources who’ve also been completely triangulated with me over the years and they’re all friends with my friends and part of my small town social group.
The result is that I’m totally uncomfortable socially a lot of the time. My gut ties in knots when I see these people and I’ve pretty much hermitted myself, missing my friends’ parties and events wherever possible, because I just don’t want to be around them. It makes me really unhappy and I don’t know how to get past it – I know I can just put my chin up and I do when I need to but I’m never going to be comfortable in small groups with them – and my friends are aware of this but I can’t ask them to choose sides, and they wouldn’t anyway, so I just exclude myself.
How do I truly get my life back when the social part of my life has been made so excruciating?
Hi Bec,
please know the answer is by healing these emerging traumas (which are completely normal and understandable)within you.
Then truly you will be completely benign to all of this and free to be yourself.
NARP is the key to getting this achieved http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
I have been through narcissistic abuse and have had a lot of childhood trauma in repeat throughout my life. I have connected the dots and have done some therapy and EMDR and am open to the NARP. I am currently experiencing this very thing as you have written above with an old toxic work experience that I found hard to resolve as it may not have been narcissistic but a reflection of painful beliefs that were just playing out there with nasty people. Can I apply this process to that experience as I walked away with a lot of after shock, trauma and brain fog as you wrote about.
Hi Shelly,
the answer is yes!
Please know that NARP is effective and very powerful for literally ANY previous traumas, as well as any limiting beliefs that may be holding you back in any area of your life.
NARP is about so much more than just recovery from N-abuse!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Its been about 8 years and I think the hardest thing Ive done and been through. Part of me still questions if I could have done anything differently or better. It is sad but I am free…. And that has been a tough journey that I never want to forget. Its not possible to go back anymore.
Hi Mel,
I greatly appreciate your worthiness in highlighting recovery and self reinvestment from narcissistic abuse. For me, this valuable approach to survive a normal self after the bowels of hell narcisstic abuse has a timeless feeling which I wish every survivor to achieve, although I have noted that it’s a hellish experience to have complete and comprehensive no contact, especially when children are involved.
Healing takes time, but it’s worth it than to have an episode of a second of manipulated glory which drains ones energy and leaves one depleted of self worthiness. Thanks Mel for keeping the guidance to self realisation, respect and value.
Hi Ig,
thank you for your comment, and I am so pleased that this spoke to you.
Sending love and blessings
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hallo gibt es das Narp Programm auch auf Deutsch? Can I buy tue NARP program also in german of is it only in english?
Hi Katka,
at this stage the program is only in English.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I woke up to this email this morning and am facing into a week which sees me in court with the narc husband. I am away from him physically and reached out to make an informal agreement last night ahead of court. He still does not accept responsibility, he is still a vacuum trying to suck the life force from me, he will not succeed. I am taking back control of my life, let the cards fall where they will. Freedom and peace await. Thank you Melanie x S. (Ireland)
The very best of luck to you Stephanie, I am in a similar position and it’s absolutely terrifying. But you can do it. Don’t be surprised if he has a carefully constructed concoction of lies at the hearing. Fight on facts and truth. Marcelle (Cheltenham, UK).
Hi Stephanie,
you are doing a wonderful job!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have been through absolute hell separating from a narcissist. He’s tried to take my children by approaching their school, GP, parents at school, friends, a judge saying I was an alcoholic with mental health issues and was going to kill them. I was so lucky I started seeing a therapist 6 months before (when he said I was mad/paranoid and coincidentally whilst he was in his latest affair, unbeknownst to me). A hair star and test disproved the alcohol, a full psych evaluation by my psychology that o had no mental health issues helped me get my kids back. He attacked, attacked, attacked through expensive lawyers. I was in a constant state of fear of what he would do next. Then he tried to take all the money/possessions we built together, and I now have to disprove his lies. I write now because everything you say makes so much sense, is so incredibly spot on and really helps me. And your book is brilliant. THANK YOU Melanie. For the amazing work you do, I read every word you write. You give me hope I can get through this.
This is also my story. I would just say: we all can reinvent, heal and thrive. Realizations come in waves. I am still having memories of stuff I thought I was over, or, stuff that hits me like a rogue wave. I hope someday to have a lover and a partner who is not a liar or cheat
or a guy who uses POW tactics on his family.Spent 20 years in private POW camp I called home. I Busted out.
Recovering.
Hi Marcelle,
I’m so pleased that my work has been able to help you.
You have been incredibly strong and you should be so proud of your progress.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Yes, such a Great reminder Mel – Thank You 🙂. This is an Incredible article and the steps to Freedom and Letting Go. ❤️
Thank you Kondwani!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Ohhh.
So great @MTE.
Finally I can tell you dears that I feel much much much better after 12 years of narcissistic trauma from my husband.
All the above are so real.
I have learned to detoxify myself from him and his actions, expectations, and many more.
May God bless this MTE community for being a parent to many of us who had lost hope in ourselves die to narcissistic abuse.
Many blessings to you Patience!
You are doing great!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
I have been offline for a while – it’s my special self-care gift at end/beginning of year.
Decided this 2022 to handle ‘Narcissism’ on a level other than personal – from now on.
Narcissism is so pervasive globally, I have found it so hard to not feel the pain everywhere.
I had to find a platform for my feet if I am to be useful to God while I am on Earth.
Since I don’t want to heal these injuries one at a time – either for myself or my patients, I am dropping the effort completely in order to turn to exclusively deeper devotion to Universal Truth. God can do what I can not do and being with Him is my precious delight no matter what else is happening.
When I take my cues and information from Divine Source, I am happy, free, secure and at GREAT PEACE. Not that anything makes sense, it just does not harm or touch me.
Everything just works out.
Even politically, I am making room for a Higher Source to fill the space within which would otherwise be filled with sorrow, judgement, bewilderment, baffling confusion, hatred, angst.
Following the NARP approach and process of facing, feeling, finding, filling and finally freeing, I am applying it for all hurts that I feel for the collective and humanity’s shared pain in my prayer times.
The most important discovery or admission I have had to make is this: MY personal perception is probably wrong. MY personal, limited conclusion is not the whole TRUTH. MY grief and anger can be removed – and not by the means I would concoct -but by the REALITY. If I am in pain that can be removed by the “Light” (or Spirit of Truth), that means that my pain is not of the Truth to begin with.
It is not of the Light, but of the ‘darkness’ or ignorance of Truth. So it is not powerful unless I do not allow Truth to shine on it.
Instead of holding on to the pain trying to justify and explain and validate it, I separate it -the pain- from myself long enough to hold it up to the light of Truth and be WILLING to let Truth clean up all the networks of sorrow and grief that the pain had created within. This takes “Courage”. When all I have known or concluded is pain, I have no grid for freedom and do not KNOW what it is. But when I am willing to SEE Truth, I do. And the TRUTH does set me FREE from pain (because the pain was not of the Truth).
So this is my focus at this time in 2022 – to be willing to face the pain I have concluded was true and valid and justified, and willingly allow Truth to show me otherwise. This is the Way.
This is what NARP teaches a process for.
I can’t wait to see the world returned to its True roots- by a Power higher than ourselves. I can’t wait to SEE. Those who chose to SEE the Light or Truth, will be Free.
May we all turn to the Light this year.
Love you Melanie – thank you for the precious work you do. Hope we will meet in person this year.
Hugs
.
Thank you Iris for your words. I’ve been struggling with how to accept that Narcissistic Abuse happened FOR me not TO me. I can tell myself this intellectually and repeat it as a mantra and such but there is still a part of me that either blocks this idea or is not ready to accept it. Maybe it doesn’t feel like “justice” enough? In any case, I recognize I’m a work in progress and NARP has taken me a long way from where I was and I am eternally grateful.
But to my original point I love what you said about TRUTH. If my pain can be taken away, then it was not the TRUTH. There is something much higher and much better which is the true REALITY. I’m going to keep this in mind as I continue my work and march forward. Much love.
Iris my darling,
That is a powerful choice of self-love to you! Well done.
It is painful, big and all pervasive what is occurring.
Everything you have said is 100% truth.
The truth I know, and I know you know, and feel is that the old systems, the old false idols, the outer props that replaced soul and source are going to crack and fall. (They already are.)
Just as the shattered “reality” of what we believed we were going to live with a narcissist crumbles into dust.
From the ashes will come something much greater, and we are all here (when awake) to participate in this midwifeing of heaven in to and on to Earth.
It has to be this way.
Bring on the Light, Truth and New Realities!
I hope too that as soon as Australia is no longer locked up that I can come to Florida and see you.
All my love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’m coming to a pivotal point in my struggle to get my daughter away from my NPD ex; we are about to finally rescind his parenting time and reduce his rights. As I reflect on the last 6 years, I can honestly say that I no longer feel the anger, angst, regret that I initially felt when I first divorced him. I used to feel that I lost so much time; now I feel like it was necessary to make me a strong mother and leader. It is really amazing how things lose their power as you work on yourself and shift the stuck energy. He is still the same jackass but he has no power over me. I’m finally strong enough to actually feel empathy for him without getting hooked in. The only thing I’m focused on is my daughter and moving forward with her healing. It happens… if you do the work. Do it. You and your children are worth it.
Hi Carrie,
that is so great that for you and your children that you took your power back!
Well done!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is solid gold truth and wisdom right here, everybody. The “ladder myself up” is many steps long. Thank you, Melanie!
Mel, Thank you for creating this program addressing these types of individuals. I needed it 20 years ago and, after finally separating from him 11 years ago, it has been a long journey of struggle to find myself and reconnect with my source. As I read your articles and posts, I am reminded of my journey and how it would have been nice to have someone lay it out for me so as to start healing a lot more quickly. Fortunately, we had no children together and he was not trying to ruin me financially. But the relationship almost ruined me. I became vengeful, working to outsmart him and catch him with his next victim (while still married to me). A quote I came across many years later shows exactly where that path was leading me: If you seek revenge, dig two holes first. Yes, I was slowly killing myself by trying to outsmart him. I did, actually, which made things really bad. When I finally let go, all I could do was think of him. But I did not go back. Unfortunately now, I have not been able to have a good relationship with another man. I see them all as broken. I am still working on the trust aspect. Your posts help in spotting a narc fast are really good, and yes, I saw so many red flags but he was so smooth and had an answer for everything. I hope others see this post and realize that they are lucky to have you and the healing programs you developed. Being in love with a narc is kind of like living in Harry Potter’s world: Nothing is as it seems and you cannot trust what you see.
Hi Ellen,
please know how welcome you are.
It is so true about the revenge part – I love the two holes analogy!
That’s great that you are healing and letting go!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Here is a thought from someone who grew up with parents that I suspect behaved a lot like narcissists:
The first question is not so much “Why did this happen to me?” as “What happened to me?”. There is no “before” to compare with, no “baseline normal”. And asking your parents is not going to produce any useful answers, obviously.
What is the difference between normal disciplining and abuse, under the circumstances? What is the normal level of confusion in a child over their parents’ apparently contradicting rules and behaviours? Which beliefs from childhood are normal and which are not, again considering the circumstances? Unless the abuse/neglect was clear, it’s hard to tell because you were a developing child at the time. And you can only let go once you know what to let go of.
Then comes the inner emotional work.
In practice (I totally agree), walking away from narcissists is the only sustainable long term solution. And accepting some degree of confusion about what happened is part of that.
Thank you, Melanie, your input really helps on my journey.
I have been following your work for a long time but never actually started the process. I want to enroll but my name was submitted in the past and I am not able to join this week. Can you please help me?
Marie, If you email Melanie’s lovely Support Team at [email protected] they will be very happy to help you. xxxx
Hi Marie,
if you email my lovely team at [email protected] one of them will help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋